AIBU - husband going on holiday.

[TimtheEnchanter]

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going!
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

I understand why the way you feel you do, 9 days is a long time, but i think you are being a bit unreasonable to be resentful about this now - you should have discussed it at the time he booked the holiday.

You have a toddler and are pregnant - it's tiring but it's going to get so much harder when you have a new baby to look after as well.

Your DS is in nursery a couple of mornings a week so you will have some time to recharge your batteries then.

Think about the benefits of not having him around for a while - early nights, choosing what you watch on TV, soup every night for supper (if that's your thing).

And if you can't get extra help from extended family, buy some in. Really, it's not going to be as bad as you think. My DH spent long periods of time away from home for work when my dc were small and I coped fine. You are understandably apprehensive but it will be fine. And your dh will hopefully have a great holiday with his mates too, which is a lovely thing.

I think a decent father and husband would realise that swanning off for 9 days when you have a young DC and your DW is pregnant is selfish and would never have asked in the first place.

Oh well hopefully the other blokes DWs will get sprogged up quickly and they are less selfish about how they spend their free time.

Dh has done this to me twice - once while I was pregnant and again when dd was eighteen months and we'd just moved... the first time was fine and the second time... not so much. You're not unreasonable to be resentful at all, imo, it's one of those things that seems fine as a hypothetical but then suddenly seems a lot more alarming as it approaches! Can you have friends to visit while he's away so you're not rattling around alone for the duration?

kittybiscuits , no, welcome to the real world.
If you are unable to cope on your own ever, it doesn't mean that other people are useless.

he shouldn't have asked to go why?

I've never understood how people are so accepting of their partners going away on a holiday without them!
Okay, maybe I'm getting old, or I'm old-fashioned, but holidays are what you do together or as a family, aren't they?
I would be very upset if my husband ever did that ( especially when I was pregnant) and so would he be , if I went off without him, too.
YANBU, OP

It's not your job to say no he knows it's too much, he knows his mates think it's too much 9 days where a 4 or 5 day trip would do (and the expense for this must be huge) and he wants you to say it's ok and you can't. Because he is being selfish

It's not about whether she can cope it's about the fact that his life seems to go on as before. I would make it very clear when he gets back you are going for a spa day or two and he can have your son show him life from your perspective

It's nine days, it's very little time at all.

Do you really begrudge him that when we works all week in a job that allows you not to have too? Being at home is a doddle compared with a commute and work, there's no targets, no pressure, no boss etc.

I love the fact that he says he won't be able to go in a few years as his mates will all have kids so won't be going,yet he already has a child and is of course going?! Obviously his kid isnt as valued or important to him as his mates as yet unconceived kids will be to them! Made himself sound a right ungrateful prick there! Really hate people sounding so unappreciative of having children they are only little for such a short time nothing in this world world could persuade me to leave my little boy for 9 days!

YANBU. 9 days is too long and he should have thought that himself.

I'd be seeing if he could come home early tbh.

Let's not attack each other personally or each other's posts. We need to offer practical advice, that's what Mumnetters are good at.
Feeling resentful, considering the OP's circumstances is quite a mild emotion to express, but what is done is done.
I am not a fan of mulling over and seething.
It is mean now to spoil his holiday, and so she needs some really good practical advice to prevent her continuing to feel resentment, which will hurt both of them.

Can you leave ds in nursery longer? And every weekday of the 9 days? If he goes every weekday while dh is away for a good chunk of time it will (1) speed up his settling in process and (2) give you every morning off or afternoon.

I don't think your being unreasonable to be feeling resentful of him getting 9 days away no! But I don't think you should make him feel really bad about it either. He asked and you really should have said if you didn't want him going.
It's only 9 days, you'll manage. I'd speak to nursery about leaving your son for longer sessions, if he's going in and coming out happy he should be fine to go longer. Maybe even see if you can book a few extra sessions. Get your DH to phone or FaceTime on a evening so you still have a bit of adult chat. Buy some lovely treats in for you and your DS, pick up a few DVD's, new games etc! Treat it as a bit of a holiday, plan easy meals, if the housework slides, he can catch it up when he's back.

And I'd make it clear, I expect one hell of a Mother's Day gift! And pay back with a least a weekend away for yourself.
My boyfriends going to Vegas for 5 days on a stag do and I've got a Leeds fest weekend ticket and a spa weekend booked and payed for by him, he'll be having DD both weekends.

I think 9 days is too long but you're stuck with it now. I was about that pregnant with a 2.5 year old at home when DH went on a stag do recently. He would have been willing not to go at all or to go for a shorter time. We agreed the 4 nights was fine. DS was in nursery for 1 day and I went away with my parents for 3 days.

It's a concern that you're so isolated, that doesn't sound good.

I wouldn't agree to him going away at 38 weeks. Not just because of the risk of baby coming but because of the likelihood of you needing support and company.

Rainbowsandaunicorn you are clearly either childless or think you are some kind of supermum,the poor man having to actually work for a living and to commute to work too eh?! Cos looking after a toddler and being pregnant are both super easy for every one and every child is the same right?

Presumably the DH gets 25-30 days annual leave. Going for 9 days means he must be using at least 7 days of that. When does OP get her £1000 (minimum) 9 day childfree break? Or does she not deserve one as a lowly SAHM ?

Actually I'm thinking that the holiday length suggests it might be USA or Canada in which case it will easily be at least £2k for the break.

When did relationships become so transactional?

Dh is taking a holiday so you have to have equal time off to make up for it??

Jeez. My DH is mad about skiing and so are our ds's ...me not so much. I'm happy for them to go on their own and know they are having a great time. I don't demand another holiday in return.

Snowboarding isn't a great holiday for the OP and her toddler to go on - seems to make perfect sense that her dh goes alone with his mates. It's not going to get easier when they have 2 dc.

The Op says herself: My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband

You don't have to do everything together, all the time.

I would be very upset if my husband ever did that ( especially when I was pregnant) and so would he be , if I went off without him, too.
I would hate to be in a relationship where I couldn't go away with my friends, my sister or my Mum for a few days. Its good for the children to have alone time with DH, it's good for DH so he completely understands what it's like for me for the other 50/51weeks of the year and it's good for me to have proper lie ins and no responsibilities.

It's fair enough that he asked to go and since you ok-ed the trip I think you are being a bit unreasonable to now change your mind a few days before departure. However, nine days? Bloody hell - that's taking the piss! A long weekend - maybe - if discussed and agreed - but to leave you alone for 9 days with a 2-year-old, pregnant and somewhat isolated is not very kind or considerate.

My 'D'H did something similar to me when DS1 was a few months old. He asked if he could go on a lads' snowboarding weekend. Weekend - okay. It ended up him going Thurs night to the following Weds morning . I was absolutely fuming and told him if that was his idea of a weekend then he could fuck off next time he requested time away from the family. Suffice it to say that he hasn't been on a lads' snowboarding trip since!

So I guess, just learn from this. Say no or place certain conditions (no more than 4 nights away, for instance), and then stand your ground OR insist that any trip he gets to do, you also get an equivalent girls' trip once your baby is born.

Tim- can I ask why you don't have any local friends?

Thanks everyone. I have accepted I should have said something at the time although to be fair it was a fairly brief discussion as I recall and then it was suddenly booked. Trust me I am not walking around scowling and bitching at him about it, it's just playing on my mind and pissing me off now that it's closer but I suppose that isn't his fault. I do have lots of friends and a great family but I don't see them week to week due to distance. My mom and dad will visit a couple of times while he is away I think, I just have no one close. I am usually very happy with my lot, I know how lucky I am to be in my position I guess what I didn't articulate in my OP was that I feel hurt that he would want to do this. When he goes away with work he is so apologetic which me doesn't need to be. I never say anything about work trips or nights/days out with his mates, it is knackering for me but it is for him too. I don't feel hard done by. It's just when he says he wishes he was around more to see DS and complains so about work trips I'm a bit hurt that he would want to go away when he doesn't have to. I don't go snowboarding, I fall over on flat, even surfaces in bare feet!

The OP is not resentful when her DH goes to work away, it is WORK. Neither does she say that she cannot cope. And the poster saying that everyone needs a break - where is the break for the OP?

FGS put a stop to a weekend away at 38 weeks. Unless it is work there is no excuse for something like that to happen. At 38 weeks you will need to rest a bit at the weekends if you can.

I would be seething tbh. But I would have said so at the time as I am not a superhuman who needs no respite from my toddlers when pg, I take all the help I can get.

You really, really need local friends!

we moved to a small town so that I could be closer to my family and friends and he could still commute to London within an hour. It means people can visit me now without staying overnight and I see a lot more of people than I did but it's still too far to meet up for coffee or lunch etc IYSWIM. People coming over or a night out for me is usually planned well in advance. I chat to a few people at toddler groups and neighbours say hi but i haven't made any friends here. It's not usually something that bothers me, I'm friendly and chat to people when me and DS are out, I just haven't got anyone to call on if I want some company.