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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - husband going on holiday.

199 replies

TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:18

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going! Hmm
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 11/03/2017 10:37

He knows he's pushing his luck, hence his 'justification' that he won't have the opportunity for much longer because the holidays will stop when others have kids. He's just pissed off that you're not happily going along with it. Too late now for this trip, I would say something like 'I'm really unhappy at how this has all come about. One brief mention and then you book a 9-day holiday that you know will be really hard for me because you say your friends won't be able to do these holidays when they have kids. To be clear, next time we need to have a proper discussion of dates and options BEFORE anything is booked'.

And he can cancel the trip at 38 weeks RIGHT NOW unless it's within an hour of home. 'Full term' is 37-42 weeks, no fucking way is he going further than work when you could drop any minute and have no friends or family especially close by

MaQueen · 11/03/2017 10:41

Just for future reference OP, what you should have said, right at the beginning, when your DH first mentioned this trip is...

a) how long will it be for?

b) okay, well I think 9 days is too long for you to be away.

c) I would feel more comfortable if you only go for a week, I think that's a fair compromise.

d) Great. I hope you have a good time. But I will expect you to give me sometime off from parenting when I get back? Deal?

It really is that simple. All this passive, game playing fuckery is just sooooo pointless and draining, and almost always achieves exactly the very opposite of what you hoped for.

OllyBJolly · 11/03/2017 10:44

Superb post MaQueen !

Charley50 · 11/03/2017 10:47

Yes McQueen!

BeaderBird · 11/03/2017 10:51

I'd give anything to be a SAHM and if I was afforded this luxury from a husband who worked hard and was a brilliant dad then no, I wouldn't begrudge him a 9 day sporting holiday. I'd suck it up and focus on being able to raise my children without also having to work 11 hours a day.

YABU.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 10:59

Yeah, cos being a stay at home mum is a 'luxury', isn't it? Goady fucker.

Bananamanfan · 11/03/2017 11:01

Why don't you change your lifestyle to accomodate this "luxury" Beader?

Lilyloo456 · 11/03/2017 11:05

👏🏻👏🏻to Maqueen. Completely agree! You should have had this discussion when he first mentioned it! My boyfriend goes away every year with his mates on a golfing holiday and our compromise this year is that we go away as well so I don't feel hard done by. Posters saying he has to cancel
And how selfish he's being are making me laugh! Just make sure you have time away kid free in the future! All about compromise. Make the most of the time with just you and your little one before baby comes. As for nursery ( I'm a nursery nurse) an hour here or there is nothing. And waiting anxiously in reception is not doing any of you any good. Drop and go, make the most of the time for yourself while he's there. All the staff will be trained to look after your little one and no doubt will ring if things are too much. I've nearly 20 years experience of working in a nursery and I've never had a child not settle in. More often not the child cries for a few seconds and then is easily settled.

Vanillamanilla1 · 11/03/2017 11:12

Why does everyone think just because you're married youre joined at the hip
I'm currently scouring he net for a break away by myself WITHOUT DP to do what u want in my own space in my own time for ME
And I'll be leaving 2 children behind
I think it's important for mental wellbeing to just get away

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 11:13

It's all very well telling the OP what she 'should' have done - but at that point, she had no idea how exhausting she would find combining pregnancy with looks after a little one alone to be.

BeaderBird · 11/03/2017 11:15

As I manage to be a mum while working 60 hours a week I do view it as a fucking luxury to be able to be a mother without the additional pressures of a full time job.

Sorry, forgot there'd be SAHMs who think that being a full time mum is harder than being a mother that also works rolls eyes

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2017 11:15

Who are these men who take family holiday time to go off with their mates? I don't know anyone who does that. And to go when he's working away a lot anyway... the men I know would want to be with their families.

Why do you put up with this, OP? He's not a single man, but he's living as though he is. And put your foot down about the stag do when you're nearly due, too!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/03/2017 11:18

Imo Op shouldn't have to say no because he should be!
I agree with this. By asking for your permission, he put you in an impossible position. If you said 'no' then it's your fault that he didn't go.
Why couldn't he just realise that it isn't the ideal time to go on a 9-day snowboarding holiday when his wife is heavily pregnant with a ds to look after and she has no local support? He could have booked the holiday for anytime.
I understand why you don't want to upset your DS again and have to resettle him in nursery but if you think you'll get more support at your parents, go to your parents. Prioritise you for that week because your DS will benefit from you feeling supported and less stressed.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 11:20

I'm a single parent to a child with severe SEN who can only cope with three hours of school a day. Please don't assume everyone is in the same boat as you.

BeaderBird · 11/03/2017 11:22

Sorry. I'll correct. I forgot there would also be people who would get busy being outraged on the behalf of other people despite them seemingly having a decent deal in life.

RB68 · 11/03/2017 11:27

Well someone looks after your kids while you do your 60 hrs Beader so its not about being a luxury its about how you choose to spend your money. They choose to live off one albeit good it seems salary , and save on the costs of childcare etc. But its risky if they don't stay together and also from the point of view of NI contributions if salary is over 50K. Everyone has choices, not everyone sees them

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 11:28

Well, getting outraged is a bit of theme on AIBU.... I don't think she has a decent deal. She's lonely, she's not sleeping, she's pregnant, but sure, why shouldn't her partner have a nine day break with his chums... He DESERVES it. I'm off to do some 'stay at home' parenting now - very little of which involves actually 'staying at home'.

JaneEyre70 · 11/03/2017 11:29

My DH goes away every year for 5 days with his mates on a golf break. They are all dads so it isn't over a weekend, they go Mon-Fri and never further afield than a 2 hr flight so they could get home quickly in an emergency. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, in fact I quite look forward to it and he's in touch every day checking we're all OK. I am not sure he'd even consider going to Canada........... it's a long flight both ways, likely to incur jetlag (I felt horrendous when I had it) and probably spending a lot of money too. You've agreed though so it's not acceptable to make him drop out at the last minute. Stuff the madness and DS's routine, and go to your parents. At least you will get company in the evenings and can have a bit of a break yourself.

BeaderBird · 11/03/2017 11:31

My husband looks afte the children. He loves his life as a SAHD but wouldn't for a second suggest he didn't have an easier/less pressured life than me. It sucks being the bread winner sometimes although I'm grateful to have a job.

No reason why the OP shouldn't use this holiday to recognise her husband's wider contribution rather than an opportunity to feel hard done by.

BeaderBird · 11/03/2017 11:33

Jingles, imagine how shit she'd be feeling if she'd also worked all week. Suck it up, I say!

Notso · 11/03/2017 11:37

Who are these men who take family holiday time to go off with their mates? I don't know anyone who does that.

I hardly know many couples who don't have holidays and weekends away separately. The one I can think of off the top of my head who always was horrified when I told her either I or DH were going away solo leaving the poor other half to cope alone is getting divorced.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/03/2017 11:40

Beader your DH has never been pregnant and a SAHP. You have never been a SAHP and a WOH parent at the same time. Your attitude is odd but this thread isn't about you.

stitchglitched · 11/03/2017 11:43

Does your DH know how little you respect his contribution to the household Beader?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 11:52

I imagine beader's DH is fairly familiar with the term 'suck it up'....

rookiemere · 11/03/2017 11:56

So who knew that Canada was the only place that one could go snowboarding?

When I have gone on trips with my friends we've managed to fly over to Geneva on a Friday morning, hit the slopes by lunchtime and get a lot of skiing in before heading home on Monday evening. That's kind of what a ski holiday looks like when you have young DCs.

The DH already works long hours and has a number of work trips. Doesn't he actually want to spend time with his family? I wonder what the family budget is for holidays - if I were the OP I'd go absolutely ballistic if there was any suggestion of any constraint on the costs as clearly a 9 day ski holiday to Canada is not a cheap option.

There are good points about the OP widening her social circle, but you know even if she had plenty of pals and things to do, or indeed was working, it still doesn't make it right in my eyes that her DH thinks it's fine and dandy to disappear off for 9 days to do his own thing.

I'd tell him in future to curtail his ski trips to 4-5 nights in Europe until the DCs are much older and you can go on a family ski/board holiday together.