AIBU - husband going on holiday.

[TimtheEnchanter]

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going!
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

It really is that simple. All this passive, game playing fuckery is just sooooo pointless and draining, and almost always achieves exactly the very opposite of what you hoped for.

100%

PA goes no where. Be direct. Be honest.

I am a VERY keen snowboarder and partly why I haven;t got children is because of the long trips I like to have.

9 days when you have a family is taking the absolute proverbial.

I absolutely value my DH. We appreciate each other's contributions which make our lives work and neither would begrudge the other this holiday. We wouldn't choose to go on holiday apart but that's irrelevant.

Jingles, you're a knob.

But I'm not sure where OP has allegedly been participating in passive mid-fuckery.

Her DH said could he go on a boarding trip. She said yes, presumably expecting it to be this side of the Atlantic and not for 9 days. Yes she should have asked, but perhaps she assumed her DH was a reasonable person and wouldn't prioritise his jollidays over his pregnant DW and DS quite so much.

Will be very telling to see what happens when DC 2 arrives. If he finds time to take his full 2 weeks paternity leave or if he is too busy and important to. Would suspect the latter.

YABU. I can't see how spending 9 days without your partner, even when pregnant and with a small child, is an issue (unless your pregnancy is severely affecting your mobility). You are a fully grown woman. My DH was away for several months while I was pg with DC2, DC1 was little and I was working. I survived and I did not think he was a selfish bastard either.

I don't get the "you should have said no" from other posters. He is her DH not DC. I could not be someone who dictates what I can and can't do. Would not dream of doing it to my DH either. It looks like the matter has been discussed and mutually agreed.

jingles, you're a knob Well that's that little dispute settled then. Thank you for your appraisal, I will consider your thoughts and try to be less knobbish in future

Don't know how much money you have but given he can afford a longish holiday, I'd say get yourself as much help as poss during this time - cleaner, play dates, maybe a babysitter who can give you a bit of time off a couple of times a week. You can stay around if your son doesn't tolerate you being away, but it is still more relaxing if you can put your feet up whilst someone else does the 'entertainment' for a bit.

And yes, I'd want dh to do a few more bedtimes and nights in the run up, so you can go into the 9 days as fit as poss.

Being less knobbish will put you at a disadvantage on MN this weekend Jingle . It seems to have become a beacon for unimaginative, unempathetic, knobbish (or should that be knob-ful) posters.

Maylani. It is 9 days... How about just getting a grip?

couch I've never been called a knob by a woman before.

So Beader, when you claimed that OP should be grateful for the luxury of being a SAHP and should show her appreciation by happily waving him off on his jollies because her life is so much easier than his, you really meant to say that she makes an equal contribution to the household and as such should be afforded respect and equal chance for a break?

That's good

My OH had to go to South Africa when I was 38 weeks pregnant. It was for work and he could have postponed for 2 weeks but no more. I had a 3 yr old and chose for him to go before the birth, not after. I looked at it as 7 days to eat and sleep as much as I could and do bugger all else! I did pray the baby wouldn't come early. It didn't seem a big deal at the time and now I can hardly remember it! I know it was work and not a holiday but loads of us cope and I'm sure you'll be fine.

He's a dick. A decent husband/father would not have asked you if it's ok in the first place. You're not his mother or his keeper and any decent father out there would not even have thought of going away for 9 days!!! That's 9 days of annual leave he won't be spending with his family!!!

OP does cope when her DH goes away with work.
This is a holiday not work.

Has your DH ever looked after DS for a few days by himself? I suggest you go away for a weekend by yourself so that DH can appreciate how hard looking after a toddler can be.

Tell DH that 9 days is too long and you know arrangements can't be changed now but it doesn't stop you resenting him and being upset by him choosing to spend so much time away from his family.

9 days is a long time and I get where you're coming from re the isolation and not realising how knackered you would be feeling back when he booked it.

The best way to view it is that you will have 9 days owed back to you. When the baby is big enough, take those days. You could even do it a day at a time if you don't want to be away overnight.

Come up with a plan for how you will survive the 9 days on your own. Could you invite a friend or relative to stay for a few nights for company and support? Can you treat yourself to some good boxsets to watch in the evenings etc?

The more responses I read the more ridiculous it all sounds - talk about hysteria. Maylani a cleaner? For 9 days? A babysitter? It's 9 days!

Op you're not UR for being a bit hacked off here but please gain some perspective. It sounds like you're quite anxious, the issue with your DS and nursery suggests that. Most little ones cry when you leave them, I don't want to be harsh here but the more you are there and the longer you stay the worse it is for him. If he doesn't settle within a few minutes of being distracted then ask nursery to call you and go back - but prolonging the separation and being anxious about it yourself will pass to DS and it gets a whole lot worse.

Whilst your DH is away use the time to do special things with DS - little things in the house such as picnics for lunch, dvds and a duvet on the sofa. If you meal plan and outfit plan for DS before your DH goes that will make things easier. I get that it's difficult to find the energy when you're pregnant but the thought of it is far worse than the reality.

Glad you're in agreement!

And the DH is getting a horribly unfair picture painted of him, he's chosen to go on a holiday not chosing to abandon his child and pregnant wife! I wouldn't have a problem with it, marriage is all about supporting each other. I'd definitely expect some consideration when he got back but the transactional suggestions on this post are quite sad. It's like the assumption is there that because the DH is going away then he does nothing for his DW.

I can relate to you OP.. I have a boisterous energetic 2.10 year old and have just had my second baby, being a SAHM whilst pregnant with a toddler was hard (for me it was far harder than now having a newborn and toddler together!) and I'm not sure how I would have managed without DP. I worked in a school full time teaching IT to 500 kids during pregnancy with my first and that was a 'doddle' in comparison. 9 days is a long time... I do think it's too late to say anything but it's strange he doesn't see anything wrong with it himself.

Stitch, of course the OP should have a break if she's able to, if DH can have time off to look after the kids (or other childcare) and if that's what she wants.

I don't think I ever suggested she shouldn't be 'allowed'. I did suggest she was BU to complain about her DH's plans (particularly as she agreed to them) and that is what she asked.

I think that you can't cancel his trip now, but I would go cold turkey with your ds in the nursery and book him in either a full morning or full afternoon each day. There is only you that is having a problem with nursery now and it would do you both a world of good. (Hopefully finances can run to this). I (and am sure the childminders amongst us) think he will be absolutely fine.

Woah wasn't expecting to come back to so many replies. Just to clarify, I haven't said I won't be able to cope, I've said it will be knackering but I honestly don't need a cleaner or a babysitter. I cope on my own an awful lot. I know I should have said something at the time but I don't really see how i've played mind games as I said he could go and I haven't said anything to the contrary to him now or changed my mind. I have just told him that yes I think it's a bit much and it's selfish when he's asked. My original post was about whether I am U to feel hurt he would want to put me in this position for this length of time. I realise I am probably drip feeding but we are not attached at the hip, he has had a snowboarding holiday every year and when we were childless and while I was pregnant with DS and I honestly didn't give a shit. Now it seems unfair. He said himself his mates won't be going when they have kids.

I agree with rookie. It's a pisstake to plan long holidays when you have really young ones because they're very hard work at that age. It's selfish to think this is okay. OP, your mistake was that you agreed to it.

All the medals given for 'Oh, but he works hard, poor lad,' 'He's good' 'He helps you' are sexist bullshit.

No one puts a gun to a person's head and forces them to have a family, it's a voluntary decision he made and such means those children will need to be supported financially. Diddums, a commute and a job - hardly toiling down the mines, is it.

You'll have to suck this up now, but it's pretty selfish of him to have even considered this.

They'll be going to W. Canada, too, so there'll be an even bigger time difference and jet lag.

I realise I have been crap at explaining this but I should have mentioned that when he told me about it my agreement was something along the lines of 'well
It will be shit for me but it's up to you'. Point taken that I probably should have said something if I really didn't want him to go but I am not and have never been his keeper and I didn't expect him to go for 9 days. Then it was all booked.