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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - husband going on holiday.

199 replies

TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:18

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going! Hmm
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 11/03/2017 10:01

I think he's been pretty selfish but whether he was going or not, you need to make some local friends to get you through the next few years.
Do health visitors organize meet ups for new Mum's? Is there play groups you can go to or swimming or a book club for adults?
I would desperately need regular adult company in your shoes.

Also do you think your DS senses that you are still in the building and that's why he won't settle at nursery? A good nursery should be able to find a way to distract him surely from missing you?

chocorabbit · 11/03/2017 10:03

So when his mates have little children they won't be able to go but he can? Hmm

You did leave it too late I think. But if you can't cope tell him AGAIN.

Charley50 · 11/03/2017 10:04

Cross-posted! What if you go into labor at 38 weeks? Your DH should really want to be around to be there at the birth or to look after his DS. That is selfish. How much parental leave will he be taking when you give birth?

TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 10:05

Sorry I should have been clearer about DS and nursery. He has got to go to preschool in September and I knew it would be difficult as rightly or wrongly he is super attached to me. I take him to lots of groups and always have and he is sociable and bright. Nursery started badly with him screaming and me unable to leave. He now goes in with minimal fuss and stays for the hour and comes out without crying. On
Monday I am planning to leave him and go home for the hour. I think I have struggled with it as much as DS has to be honest and I feel better sat in the reception.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 11/03/2017 10:06

Yeah and agree that he is being massively hypocritical saying his friends won't go when they have kids, yet it's fine for him. I suppose he's the first to have DC and doesn't want to miss out, but still.

TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 10:07

I completely agree that I need local friends, it just hasn't happened but yes it would help. I just want you all to know that I am usually fine with our situation, if he works late or goes away overnight no big deal. This 9 day holiday is what grates.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 11/03/2017 10:08

I know it's baby number 2 but it might be worth going to nct or antenatal classes locally? You might meet some people that way (I did, we meet up weekly now). Because you meet the same group of people for quite a while it's easier to build a friendship. Just a thought.

ClaireH26 · 11/03/2017 10:08

You poor thing. 9 days really is excessive. I'd hate that. 4 or 5 days is plenty. Now it's all booked I think you have to let him go with a smile as it's all arranged and there's no point in him feeling guilty the whole time as it's too late now, but I'd make it absolutely clear that there will be no repeat of this and NO WAY would my husband be going away when I was 38 weeks pregnant, what the hell? You could go into labour any day!!!! Tell him absolutely no way to that. Also book yourself a weekend away with your best girl friends this very minute before you get too pregnant to enjoy it x

TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 10:09

Oh and yes to those that asked, he is going to Canada.

OP posts:
CoffeeBreakIn5 · 11/03/2017 10:09

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but to be fair to your DH I don't think he's doing an awful lot wrong. He's right that if he doesn't go no way he won't get the chance to go again because when there are 2 children there will never be a 'right' time. 9 days is a long time and I feel for you because I struggled being pregnant whilst looking after a 2 year old, but after the first day or two you'll realise it's ok.

daisychain01 · 11/03/2017 10:10

He shouldn't have asked in the first place, it put the burden on you to agree to it. If you didn't agree, it made you look bad.

His priorities are shit.

NavyandWhite · 11/03/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuubyLuu · 11/03/2017 10:12

I echo others comments about finding more of a social life locally. It sounds like you're pretty isolated with little in the way of interaction or friendship.
Am sure there must be lots of classes, meet-ups etc around where you are, worth investigating?

kaitlinktm · 11/03/2017 10:14

He knows he was unreasonable to even suggest it but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going! hmm .

I would be hurt to by the fact that he wants to spend nine days of his holiday entitlement away from his family - snowboarding obviously is more important to him.

I know it is too late to cancel, but at least you know now that you can't leave it to his finer feelings, you have to say you don't want him to go and why.

kaitlinktm · 11/03/2017 10:15

too (grr)

Tram10 · 11/03/2017 10:18

can you organize a babysitter for a few hours a day while he is away, I totally understand how overwhelming it must be with nine days looming ahead of you.

limitedperiodonly · 11/03/2017 10:24

He's a selfish git and he should cancel

greenworm · 11/03/2017 10:25

9 days seems like such a lot. It's tricky as it's all booked now, but YANBU in feeling that it's unfair.

I think he really should have pushed with his friends to make the trip just a few days, or a week at the very most AND shown you somehow that he understood he was very lucky that you'd look after the DC all by yourself during this period while pregnant.

Charley50 · 11/03/2017 10:27

It's gonna cause YOU more stress if you're resentful about him going so it's best you take control of those 9 days and plan stuff for you and DS to do, like you said a weekend at your parents, and maybe invite a friend up for the other weekend so you are not sitting at home feeling pissed off. Maybe 'reach out' (yuk) to some parents near you.

MaQueen · 11/03/2017 10:30

"Monday I am planning to leave him and go home for the hour. I think I have struggled with it as much as DS has to be honest and I feel better sat in the reception."

OP this rings alarm bells with me. To be honest (having read your posts) you sound rather passive aggressive, and more than a bit of a martyr. It's perfectly acceptable (and actually sensible) to leave your DS at nursery...yes, even if he's upset. I speak as a Mum of a DD2 who howled dramatically every time I dropped her off. Then one time I popped back in 20 minutes later, to drop off her bag which I'd forgotten, and she was perfectly contented playing with some plastic dinosaurs (the little Madam).

There is really no need for you to sit in Reception, wringing your hands, and leaving him there for only an hour is really neither here nor there. He doesn't get any chance to really get into the whole experience.

You describe him as 'your little buddy' and I think you are depending on him too much to give you, and your day some structure and meaning. You need to leave him at nursery for a decent amount of time and invest some time in making a bit of a life for yourself.

It isn't your DH's fault that you haven't made any friends locally, and so will feel lonely while he's away. It's not up to him to create a life for you there.

It's very unfair, and rather passive aggressive to agree to him going away for this trip while secretly hoping he will read your mind, and realise you aren't happy with it FGS. You have already been pregnant once, so know how tired it can make you - and it doesn't take a rocket science to know that 2nd pregnancy + toddler = even more tired, does it??? Come on...

And, if he's going to Canada, then it's just silly to only go for a few days, because the cost of the flights is a big part of the overall cost.

You have handled this whole scenario is such a silly, frustrating way and there was no need for any of it. You need to start acting like an adult and be far more direct and sensible in how you behave. Otherwise, you are going to have the sort of marriage where petty frustrations, resentment, and pointless game playing rules the day.

So you need a game plan...

a) stop fannying about waiting at nursery, counting the minutes until it's over. It's doing no one any good. Drop him off, and go home or go out for a few hours.

b) Use your free time to do something you enjoy, which hopefully will allow you to meet/make friends locally. Your DS is your child not 'your little buddy'. You need adult friends and adult socialising.

c) Stop trying to spoil your DH's trip before he even goes. It will only make the situation even worse, I promise you.

d) Make it very clear that when he gets back you will be treating yourself to some time off too.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, but I am much older than you, have been around the block more than once, and have witnessed too many people make silly school girl errors, which lead to pretty unhappy lives and marriages.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 11/03/2017 10:33

Where do you actually live? I live an hour from London too, and I might be able to recommend some good places to meet people. When my DH is away, I like having my friends over after dc are in bed, getting someone to look after one of them whilst the other two are in school/nursery and get my hair cut, get waxed, get spray tan, watch my favourite films, eat toast for dinner and give my dc loads of fun days out so I feel good about life!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 10:33

I absolutely can't wait until the day men get pregnant...

MrsTwix · 11/03/2017 10:35

I think you should increase the nursery time so you can have some time off. If he's fine for an hour, he is fine for longer than an hour. He has the relationship with the staff now and they will look after him.

If you can settle him for a half day you could go and have your hair done or something. I also think you should try to find some friends locally if you can. You could ask the nursery staff if there are other mums in your position. If you are in the commuter belt you are probably not the only one to have moved there and not know anyone.

MaQueen · 11/03/2017 10:35

And to the people saying 'he should cancel, he shouldn't go' how on Earth is that going to make the situation better???

He'll lose all the money. He'll feel incredibly resentful. The OP will feel awkward and possibly guilty. There will be simmering resentment, left, right and centre.

Totally unhealthy and counter productive.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 11/03/2017 10:36

Oh and MaQueen's post is soooo good! And so right!!!
You definitely shouldn't be martyring yourself and you definitely need to find a life and company outside of your child!