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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider escorting?

237 replies

MakeItRainOnMe · 10/03/2017 15:58

NC'd.

I'm so sick of being poor, I can't even save money to put in to a pension let alone for new and much needed clothes.

I'm (almost) 25 with a 1 year old DD studying at uni and if it wasn't for DD then I would work in the evenings and on weekends but with no family nearby I have no options.

Plus I plan to move back to London when I finish my degree and as there is no room at my mums I think that this will be the best way to survive in London.

Anyone got any suggestions? Help or advice?

Thanks

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 12/03/2017 19:27

It stays with you and colours your feelings ever after. Be aware of that. This statement says it all IMO.

PoorYorick · 12/03/2017 19:45

I remember watching a Channel 4 documentary once about women who worked on sex chatlines. It was all presented in a very comedic manner, and I did laugh quite a few times.

But I remember one young woman (very upper class, very cut glass accent) who left it after a year or so to become a photographer (her real passion), telling the interviewer, "They're all wankers!"

She sounded surprised...

Glossolalia · 12/03/2017 20:29

That link to to the 'blog for Johns' is really upsetting.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2017 20:35

'I remember watching a Channel 4 documentary once about women who worked on sex chatlines.'

I saw another featuring two independent prostitutes. They were totally fucked up in the head. And the one, her dad knew about it and his comment about it was, 'Well, at least she's not a single parent on a council estate.'

Glossolalia · 12/03/2017 20:41

'Well, at least she's not a single parent on a council estate.'

Shock because being a prostitute is more respectable?! That's awful. Truly awful.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2017 20:46

I'd highly recommend that documentary. IIRC they were called 'Cookie' and 'Emma'. It was a C4 thing.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 12/03/2017 21:39

I remember that doc. I think his exact quote was 'it could be worse, she could be an unmarried mother'. Very strange attitude.

Emma has a baby daughter now and seems really happy. She's packed in escorting. I randomly saw her on Twitter a few months ago.

meganorks · 12/03/2017 22:19

It sounds like this isn't really a good idea for you OP. It sounds a lot like you are unhappy about some fairly traumatic experiences in your life and think that money will solve your problems. If your boyfriend was abusive maybe a bit of 'how bad can it be? At least I would make a lot of money'.
Personally I think you would benefit from some careers/interview/cv advice. There are a lot of grad schemes out there that pay pretty well. Market research companies have grad schemes that would suit your prefered modules/skills.
You don't always need relevant work experience for any job but you need to be able to think about how your experience is relevant, what you have gained from your life experiences. I had only done Saturday work/waitressing/temping before I got on a grad scheme but I really prepared for interview by finding and having answers for lots of interview questions. And don't underestimate what being a mum, living away from home and studying for a degree has given you. That is much tougher than most people have to go through to get a degree. And no doubt it takes a lot of planning, organisation, determination, budgeting etc to do that. Don't underestimate your skills. And don't risk it all on escorting!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/03/2017 00:43

I always imagined "Escort" to be a (Male or Female) very well turned out, impeccably mannered, attractive companion to go out for dinner, a +1 for an event where the Customer doesn't have to find a friend or rack their brains at who would be suitable. Sounds nice and genteel that , doesn't it? Maybe not how you'd choose to spend a Saturday night , being attentive to possibly a boring overbearing or chronically shy man.
And if you meet one of your previous clients in the same event .....?

But that is naive to say the least.

Most of the articles I've read about prostitution I thought was either some bloke wanting sex and thinking it was more "honest" to pay for it than to attempt to ply a womean in a bar with food drink and compliments with the sole purpose of sex. At the end of the evening he'd think "I paid ££X and I've got a peck on the cheek. At least with a Prostitute there's no pretence"
I'd always believed it was an 'honest' profession of supply/demand.

But now it seems some men want the sex , they don't give a shit about the woman. They've paid for it, they'll have what they want.
Those InvisibleMan reviews were chilling.
"She was too fat/said she was a 10 she was a 14/ too old/ didn't speak/didn't look at me/should've bought a blow up doll" (and those were the kinder reviews)

OP, my NHS work involves me going into houses, some of my patients are youngish most older.
Some of them are in bed /on a bed.
My mind does sometimes ponder the thought that if I was a Prostitute I'd be expected to fuck that. And my stomach turns.

Just don't.

peaceout · 13/03/2017 00:49

have a read on here, should give you some insight
www.saafe.info/main/index.php

choccywoccywoowah · 13/03/2017 01:08

I have fond memories of doing this job. Met so many interesting people and saw lots of lovely places and of course I was amazingly compensated. But it becomes a life style that you can be sucked into. Drugs, easy come easy go cash, unsociable hours. But the worst thing for me was that I became an amazing liar and my social circle shrank considerably. Trust issues and guardedness. I don't regret as such but I wouldn't do it again.

choccywoccywoowah · 13/03/2017 01:10

Plus to think that men will pay a lot of money for just company is HUGELY naive OP. Of course they don't. It's prostitution whatever way you like to view it.

Xenophile · 13/03/2017 09:31

Prostituted women and ex prostituted women have some of the highest per capita rates of PTSD for any job, including military.

tangoman · 15/03/2017 15:42

The claim that “Prostituted women and ex prostituted women have some of the highest per capita rates of PTSD for any job, including military.” Is frequently made and the work of Melissa Farley is cited.

However the population of prostitutes she examined was particularly disadvantaged and her claims wilted (under cross examination in Bedford v Canada ) that the PTSD resulted from uniquely prostitution (i.e.sex for money) rather than some pre-existing trauma-such as drug addiction or childhood abuse).

Nevertheless, there are a number of other pieces of research find higher levels of PTSD or depression in prostitutes-but again they mostly suffer from confounding effects (so for instance comparing PTSD in drug users who do or do not sell sex, or those trafficked for labour and those trafficked for prostitution) and attempts to remove such confounders by statistical tools are fraught with difficulty.

What is clear from much of this research is that the reported levels of PTSD in prostitutes is very variable and invariably lower than that reported by Farley and very low in those that are independent working indoors and not drug addicted and have control over their working conditions where levels of PTSD of the majority may match that in aged matched non-prostituting women but there are a minority who have problems.

So for instance for instance Donovan et al 2012 The Sex industry in New South Wales www.acon.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/NSW-Sex-Industry-Report-CSRH-2012.pdf p26)
“On the whole LASH respondents appear to be well adjusted and comfortable with their occupation, however 10% had high scores on the Kessler-6 psychological distress scale that indicates that they were likely to have a serious mental illness (Table 14). This was consistent across all states, and is about twice the rate for similar- aged women in the general population.”

There are other pieces of research that back this up-for instance Exner, J. et al. (1977). Some psychological characteristics of prostitutes. Journal of Personality Assessment, 41 (5), 474-485.

What it suggests is that there is in prostitution a subset who are either particularly vulnerable or who have had extreme experiences in prostitution (e.g. subject to rape or violence ) or possibly entered prostitution as its low hours/relatively high reward is more tolerable for those with preexisting mental health problems who would find a conventional job difficult.

In this regard it is particularly welcome that a new project funded by the Wellcome trust (the largest medical charity in the UK) is “funding a research project which will compare the experiences of violence and mental health amongst sex workers with other ‘risky’ occupational groups”

Perhaps at the end of this we might have a clearer view as to whether the sale of sex is inherently traumatic.

msrisotto · 15/03/2017 17:03

What a strange post. Sexual abuse and drug abuse are not confounding factors, they're prerequisites and consequences to prostitution. And OP has already disclosed her vulnerabilities which make references to risk of PTSD highly relevant.

msrisotto · 15/03/2017 19:05

Thank you for mansplaining confounding variables to me over PM tangoman, as it happens I have a masters in research methods and a doctorate in a related area so I know very well what confounding variables are.

If you remove sexual abuse and drugs from prostitution, you fundamentally change the sample and are no longer measuring prostitution.

PoorYorick · 15/03/2017 19:30

sob Please stop it, msrisotto. Won't you please do the decent thing and think of the boners!

Xenophile · 15/03/2017 19:36

Thank you so much for mansplaining PTSD to us all.

It's always lovely to hear an amateur's view on things, especially when they have a vested interest in continuing to harm women.

Prompto · 15/03/2017 20:06

Perhaps at the end of this we might have a clearer view as to whether the sale of sex is inherently traumatic.

Have you read the Web pages linked to previously detailing the 'reviews' given to prostitutes by the men using them?

Read the descriptions of these women both of their appearance and behaviour, the descriptions of the flats/houses they're working out of, remarks the women have made and so on.

Then consider the men writing these things and what their remarks say about the sort of men they are. They are not nice men. They don't give a tin shit about the women they're paying and they very much consider them to be a commodity, the women are not human, they are property. Bought for an hour and "I've paid my money so I'll do what I fucking well like to you". Some of the 'reviews' describe actions that could well be considered rape as women are coerced into acts they've said no to or the punter attempting to carry out an act she's refused regardless of her refusal.

Read them and then tell us all that it's not at all traumatic to be a prostitute.

maggiethemagpie · 15/03/2017 20:09

I've read through the whole of this thread with interest, and the one post that said it all to me is the one that said 'Don't do it -you'll feel bad about yourself'.

You will. You'll feel wrong and you'll lose respect for yourself. IMHO that's worse than losing any material possession.

Your respect for yourself is the thing that makes life worth living. Please don't lose it for the sake of a few quick bucks.

tooyoungtoknow · 15/03/2017 20:25

NC'd. I did this about 20 years ago when I was a student. I ran out of money and didn't want to work for £3 an hour making sandwiches. It's not fucked me up permanently, 20 years later I'm pretty normal and I don't think it has really affected me long term. I'm married with kids now, and not many people in my life now know about this. My husband doesn't and I'll never tell him.
What I would say is, it's easy money but comes at a price. It did make me feel shit about myself. You get guys who play on this, asking you why are you doing this, why can't you get a normal job like everybody else?

I was never attacked or raped. I worked in a sauna, there were panic buttons on the walls. I didn't feel particularly in physical danger. But I did feel a massive loss of self respect and I think it exacerbated existing MH issues.

I was lucky i only did it for a few months then got out. I never went back. I have a normal life now, good job. No one would ever know.

It's easy money, but if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.

FlounderingDaily · 15/03/2017 20:35

But I have very low confidence, suffer from anxiety and depression. On top of that my brother committed suicide in November. I found his body and my ex was abusive towards me so yeah, I hate life at the moment.

Really sorry to hear this OP. I have no experience of sex work, but my brother also committed suicide just over 2 years ago. It's a horrendous, awful, traumatic thing to happen and it hits you so hard, it's different to other kinds of grief. I would really recommend you don't make any major life decisions in the next year at least. I had some insane ideas in the first 6 months. Have you had any counselling at all, or do you have anyone you can talk to? uk-sobs.org.uk has helped other people I know, and I have found counselling helpful.

Xenophile · 15/03/2017 21:04

prompto tangoman is a punter. He doesn't care if it's traumatic, as long as he can continue to get his boner serviced.

He probably even writes reviews, who knows?

Prompto · 15/03/2017 21:14

tangoman is a punter

MercyMyJewels · 15/03/2017 22:16

Ugh. And there's allllways a happy hooker.

Don't be fucking stupid OP. You will fuck up your head, your life and your daughter.

Would you like her to do this?