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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on this 3 year old

266 replies

ogbu · 08/03/2017 19:44

My friends and I go on a night out every fortnight. We arrange childcare for the night. My son goes to his dads anyway on alternate weekends and most of us have a partner at home or get a babysitter.

Now our friend hasnt been able to find anyone who is willing to babysit as her daughter sleeps so on our nights out she gets dressed, then takes her daughter at 9pm to a childminder that does overnight care. She takes her in a taxi.

We don't go clubbing we're too old for that! But we have a meal and a few drinks. This friend always gets a bit too drunk. She then orders a taxi which I sometimes share. She gets to the childminders house in the taxi and picks her daughter up. Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed as she's suddenly been woken up and put into a taxi. She also takes a while to get to sleep at the childminders so goes about 11pm to sleep so has only been asleep for about three hours at this point.

She then has a 20 minute taxi ride and my friend takes her home and into bed. At this point it's 3:30am easily. She then sleeps until late that day or wakes at her usual time as is grumpy.

I've always suggested my friend just collect her in the morning and give her a full nights sleep and her a chance to sober up so she's not picking her up drunk. But my friend will not even consider that as she then has to get a taxi in the morning or the hassle of the journey by public transport when she's hungover. She would rather pick her up after her night out.

I've not discussed this with friends and don't want to. so that's why I'm asking here.

I understand she has no one to have her daughter and she wants a night out. But there are other options.

We regularly meet at hers, we have day time meet ups, she could come for just the meal and be back earlier. I'm sure she could find someone to babysit at her house.

I just feel sorry for the daughter being kept awake until 10pm, woken at 2am to be transported into a taxi with her drunk mother, then having to stay awake for the taxi ride, taken home, put to bed again. Having her sleep pattern disrupted like that.

If it was necessary than that's different. But all this is so her Mum can go clubbing.

It's not a child protection concern. But AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:24

But all of those things are presumably with her dd too? She might want one chance a fortnight to have a break, same as you have?

littledinaco · 08/03/2017 22:25

If she chooses to fall out with you, that is up to her. If it was me, I would have to say something. I couldn't enjoy myself going out with her thinking of her poor little girl. It sounds so horrible for her Sad

littledinaco · 08/03/2017 22:27

The friend can still have a break/night out she just needs to find another way to have her DD minded, such as a babysitter in the house or she goes to collect her in the morning.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:29

Little - op said a few pages back that the friend can't have a babysitter because of her controlling parents.

unfortunateevents · 08/03/2017 22:32

Did I miss this but is her child put in a car seat when she is picked up from the childminder? Taxis don't usually carry them, unless you request in advance. How is her DD being transported?

m0therofdragons · 08/03/2017 22:33

I have a df who is a single mum. When we go out my dh looks after our dc plus df's dd who has a sleepover. You sound like a crap judgemental friend who could actually support her but instead criticises her. I assume she collects her dd as she can't afford the cm totally overnight.

coolaschmoola · 08/03/2017 22:34

Crikey what a leaky tap!

littledinaco · 08/03/2017 22:35

arethereanyleft-I know, I just meant for OP to speak to her friend to see if she can help her find a way round the situation. The friend could still collect the DD in the morning, the reason for that was not the controlling parents but that it was 'a hassle'.

littledinaco · 08/03/2017 22:38

I assume she leaves the car seat at the childminders - hope so anyway.

LadyHelenOfShitsville · 08/03/2017 22:40

I would be more concerned on whether she is fit to get up and supervise the DC if she's hungover/still ratfaced and been out til 3am. We all know DC of this age don't generally cooperate with parents needing lie ins!

nokidshere · 08/03/2017 22:47

Do people really think that we live in a world where all 3 year olds are in bed by 7 and sleep all night without waking up? You only need to read the many threads from parents who's children haven't slept a full night since birth, who are so tired each day they can barely function but drive to work anyway?

How can we not know that plenty of parents parent adequately after working a night shift or having a night out?

No-one is looking for a perfect parenting prize here but we need to get a grip. A disturbed night once a fortnight and a parent with a hangover in the morning is really not a criminal offence Confused

Mrsglitterfairy · 08/03/2017 22:50

God op, who needs enemies with a friend like you? Your post is littered with contradictions to make your friend spurns worse as the thread goes on.
No it's not ideal what your friend is doing but it's also not the worse thing in the world depending on how drunk she is which is hard to gage as one minute she's tipsy, then physically unstable and then not drunk enough that the cm notices.

I also wouldn't like to do it to my DCs, I am lucky that DH is at home whenever I want to go out but sometimes she must just need a break.
The main thing that strikes me here is how loaded you all are. 2 big nights out a month?! I'm lucky if I can afford one and even then there's no babysitting costs involved and it's always local so taxi cost is minimum.
If you're that bothered by it, don't go out with her or suggest something else

And this by chocolate ;
I'm pretty sure it's an offence to be drunk and in charge of a minor
Really? I'm pretty sure it's not or most parents up and down the country will be breaking the law at some point.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:52

You don't need a car seat in a taxi.
It's one of the only times is legal to transport a child without a car seat.

It's not judgemental to say I think what she's doing is wrong.
I'm only thinking of her child. I'd hope someone would worry about my child if he had to endure this too.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 22:57

Maybe she already does worry about your child. I wonder what youre doing wrong that she could post about.

Karmin · 08/03/2017 23:01

Wow i'm confused by the majority attitude on this thread.

This is a 3 year old who regularly gets their sleep disturbed by a drunk adult who then wants a lie in whilst the child presumably is vaguely taken care of whilst somewhat hungover or still drunk the next day.

A mother who didn't want the "hassle" of picking her up the next day?!

Yes the OP doesnt seem to like her much and their is a sense of judgement and or pity but I think how the OP thinks about this person as a friend (or not) has got nothing to do with the toddler.

OP says "Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed" and this is fortnightly not now and again.

As for the AIBU which was "AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?" - absolutely not and I would be blunt in broaching it as it is really not fair on the toddler.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 23:03

Thank you. It's not acceptable. Whatever people think of me. The post is about the daughter and they are defending the mother because they don't like how I've come across I think.

OP posts:
Roseandbee · 08/03/2017 23:09

Very awkward, the thing that concerns me most is how drunk she is when she gets in, considering she is the only carer. The waking up thing bothers me less, if say a single mum had to work nights once a week and picked her child up after then I don't think it would do the child any harm.

Kanga59 · 08/03/2017 23:13

Why don't you have her over for a sleep over

yabvu

unfortunateevents · 08/03/2017 23:16

Why don't you have her over for a sleep over - the OP has said at least three times that she can't have the daughter for a sleepover because her house is EMPTY. Her own child is 20 miles away with his father for the weekend.

Expat38matt · 08/03/2017 23:19

I was also going to say couldn't you bring it up tactfully by offering to have her kid sleep over at yours and share your sitter "because it seems like a hassle to have to pick her up and disturb her sleep"?

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 23:20

I don't have a babysitter. My son is at his dads the weekend I'm away.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 08/03/2017 23:21

Expat there is no sitter to share, OP's son is with his father miles away.

Poorlybabysickday · 08/03/2017 23:25

How long have you known her for?

noitsnotme · 08/03/2017 23:26

My DS is 12 now, but a few years back when he was maybe 6/7, we were at a friends and i had a few drinks after a bust up with my ex earlier in the day. I ended drunk. We got a taxi home and I stupidly gave DS a piggy back walking up the path. We fell. We were both absolutely fine, but it terrifies me to think what could have happened to us if it had been a bad fall and we ended up in A&E. I'm ashamed of what happened and scared for your friend.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 08/03/2017 23:28

I'm another one who takes DC out at night.
If a friend asks us over for drinks or a party, DC come too. They chat to the grown ups, play with toys and then crash out in someones bed while the grown ups do some drinking.
Then we get them out of bed in the early hours and carry the home sometime slightly tipsy
If we invite people round hours- their DC are welcome to top and tail in our kids beds.
I don't think it does them any harm. Once a fortnight is just occassionally really.

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