To think this is unfair on this 3 year old

[ogbu]

My friends and I go on a night out every fortnight. We arrange childcare for the night. My son goes to his dads anyway on alternate weekends and most of us have a partner at home or get a babysitter.

Now our friend hasnt been able to find anyone who is willing to babysit as her daughter sleeps so on our nights out she gets dressed, then takes her daughter at 9pm to a childminder that does overnight care. She takes her in a taxi.

We don't go clubbing we're too old for that! But we have a meal and a few drinks. This friend always gets a bit too drunk. She then orders a taxi which I sometimes share. She gets to the childminders house in the taxi and picks her daughter up. Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed as she's suddenly been woken up and put into a taxi. She also takes a while to get to sleep at the childminders so goes about 11pm to sleep so has only been asleep for about three hours at this point.

She then has a 20 minute taxi ride and my friend takes her home and into bed. At this point it's 3:30am easily. She then sleeps until late that day or wakes at her usual time as is grumpy.

I've always suggested my friend just collect her in the morning and give her a full nights sleep and her a chance to sober up so she's not picking her up drunk. But my friend will not even consider that as she then has to get a taxi in the morning or the hassle of the journey by public transport when she's hungover. She would rather pick her up after her night out.

I've not discussed this with friends and don't want to. so that's why I'm asking here.

I understand she has no one to have her daughter and she wants a night out. But there are other options.

We regularly meet at hers, we have day time meet ups, she could come for just the meal and be back earlier. I'm sure she could find someone to babysit at her house.

I just feel sorry for the daughter being kept awake until 10pm, woken at 2am to be transported into a taxi with her drunk mother, then having to stay awake for the taxi ride, taken home, put to bed again. Having her sleep pattern disrupted like that.

If it was necessary than that's different. But all this is so her Mum can go clubbing.

It's not a child protection concern. But AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?

My son is at his dads so there's no childminder at mine. So her daughter can't stay at mine.

His dad has him in his house (20 miles away)

He'd never be willing to look after anyone else's child.

Certainly far from ideal and I am surprised the childminders goes for it as not many would want to stay up that late for a pick up which probably also disturbs their own kids.

That is puzzling me too Squirmy!

I don't know if thdon't childminder knows she's drunk. she's good at not showing it when she picks her up.

The childminder probably guesses she could be as she knows she's been out until 3am but not everyone drinks on a night out

The childminder does seem a bit dodgy though. I know nothing about her but she has children overnight and seems to have a lot of them. More than one adult is allowed to look after.

But that's another issue.

She might not be ofsted registered. She might be doing it unofficially. I've never asked.

To be fair, it's not up to the OP or anyone else to sort her childcare arrangements.

It's her kid and if she feels that this is appropriate behaviour then there's not much anyone can say about it unless the child comes to harm.

Although in this case of be questioning the merits of the childminder before the Mother.

It's fucked up whatever way you look at it. I'd hate to be gotten out of my bed in the middle of the night by a drunk and I'm 34.

Im surprised the childminder hands her over to someone intoxicated.

That seems pretty awful.

Drunk (drunk enough to be so hungover using public transport the next morning is too much!!!) and looking after a child? That's really bad...

But I think there's other ways to achieve that without the current set up.

What other ways?

Do you know what

Personally, I'd prefer to have my child with me. I hated sleeping away from home as a child.

Poor woman must be struggling enough if no one can take her child. I imagine she is going out with you because she's lonely.

I would have thought getting a babysitter in is way cheaper than an overnight childminders plus the extra taxi costs involved. It would also presumably be better for your friend if she can get to bed earlier and not have to go home via the childminder's.

Can you get together with your other friends and talk about maybe finishing your evenings out a bit earlier and keeping this friend off the booze a bit? If you've all got children it's probably better not to stay out that late drinking anyway if you have to look after them the next day.

I'd get a babysitter. Sitters.com etc vet their sitters. This would solve the problem.

I don't think it's right picking the child up drunk. I'm pretty sure it's an offence to be drunk and in charge of a minor. It's all a bit weird and unfair. Fair enough for her to go out but she should get proper childcare

No big deal really.

I've known babysitting agencies to be really reliable so your friend isn't looking hard enough for a babysitter.

Is it, Chocolate?

Blimey, my mother must have been in breach of the law on numerous occasions!

Sitters.co.uk is the way forward. All their sitters are nannies, TAs, nursery staff etc. In the familiarity of her own home, no middle of the night taxi, no unregistered childminder.

If you are really concerned can you try and find a sitter for her? Maybe find one, let them babysit for you a couple of times and then suggest this amazing sitter you've used to her

Got to be honest it's horrible trashy behaviour to me! Cannot believe any sane parent would think this is acceptable,I would be so upset at having to endure this myself neve mind a little girl! She should be ashamed of herself for putting her daughter through that for her own selfish reasons. There are other much better options available.

your friend sounds desperately lonely. Honestly, it's not ideal, but she's not putting her child in any danger and perhaps she really DOES need the release every couple of weeks. Do you know how much she pays for the CM? My suspicion is that she's cheaper than a babysitter as well as known to your friend. Do you have any friends or family that could get involved in the child's life? They both sound in need of back-up, help really.

Yes you can be charged for it but I don't know how likely. Probably would only happen if the taxi got pulled over and they noticed the adult is drunk. Chance is probably minimal but still.

come on, SS have enough trouble keeping on top of parents that use drugs and abuse their kids, I can't think they are stalking the streets waiting to find a lone parent that's had a couple too many! I wish there was more community help and less bloody judgment of what is clearly a less desirable but not terrible situation.

Surely a babysitter that stays in the house is a much better idea... I can't understand why she would want to transport her daughter to a childminder's house and then collect her again a few hours later. I haven't got anyone who could easily look after my child at night (or day) either but I certainly wouldn't choose to ferry the kid around so that I could have a night out. Letting your hair down is important but there are better ways of going about it than this.

Yes she's very lonely. We're her only friends and I'm the only one who knows her well. I introduced her to my group of friends and none of my friends have really taken to her.

So if she loses me she will literally have no friends so I don't want her falling it with me.

She has family but says she's not close to them.

She does meet up with me a lot though so I'm company for her.

She doesn't have to go on this particular night out as we do other social events together.

We're not finishing early for her though. She is more than capable of leaving earlier than us to be back at a better time for her daughter.