Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on this 3 year old

266 replies

ogbu · 08/03/2017 19:44

My friends and I go on a night out every fortnight. We arrange childcare for the night. My son goes to his dads anyway on alternate weekends and most of us have a partner at home or get a babysitter.

Now our friend hasnt been able to find anyone who is willing to babysit as her daughter sleeps so on our nights out she gets dressed, then takes her daughter at 9pm to a childminder that does overnight care. She takes her in a taxi.

We don't go clubbing we're too old for that! But we have a meal and a few drinks. This friend always gets a bit too drunk. She then orders a taxi which I sometimes share. She gets to the childminders house in the taxi and picks her daughter up. Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed as she's suddenly been woken up and put into a taxi. She also takes a while to get to sleep at the childminders so goes about 11pm to sleep so has only been asleep for about three hours at this point.

She then has a 20 minute taxi ride and my friend takes her home and into bed. At this point it's 3:30am easily. She then sleeps until late that day or wakes at her usual time as is grumpy.

I've always suggested my friend just collect her in the morning and give her a full nights sleep and her a chance to sober up so she's not picking her up drunk. But my friend will not even consider that as she then has to get a taxi in the morning or the hassle of the journey by public transport when she's hungover. She would rather pick her up after her night out.

I've not discussed this with friends and don't want to. so that's why I'm asking here.

I understand she has no one to have her daughter and she wants a night out. But there are other options.

We regularly meet at hers, we have day time meet ups, she could come for just the meal and be back earlier. I'm sure she could find someone to babysit at her house.

I just feel sorry for the daughter being kept awake until 10pm, woken at 2am to be transported into a taxi with her drunk mother, then having to stay awake for the taxi ride, taken home, put to bed again. Having her sleep pattern disrupted like that.

If it was necessary than that's different. But all this is so her Mum can go clubbing.

It's not a child protection concern. But AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?

OP posts:
Atenco · 08/03/2017 22:09

I honestly can't see what you are worried about, it is hardly child abuse and one night out every fortnight for a single mother is hardly the highlife. I must cost her a fortune too.

nokidshere · 08/03/2017 22:11

*She says she has to have the hassle of going in the morning to pick her up when she's feeling hungover.

She used the word 'hassle'.

She would also have to pay more as the child would be there longer and for a taxi to get there or a long journey on public transport.*

What's wrong with the word hassle?

When my teenagers want me to get up at 6am on a Sunday morning to take them to an activity it's a hassle - but I still do it. When one of them wants me to take their friends home all over the town it's a hassle - but I still do it. When my DH wants picking up from a drunken night out with work it's a hassle - but I still do it.

Presumably she can't afford all night care which is why she does it.

MelinaMercury · 08/03/2017 22:11

arethereanyleftatall fortnightly isn't occasionally, that's a regular occurence and there's a massive difference between "revolving your life around the child" and putting their needs ahead of your own. It's what parents do.

However, I also agree that there is a massive difference between going out and getting tipsy being responsible for a child than being aboslutely slaughtered and not being capable of looking after the chld.

It's not a child protection issue from the parental side aslong as she is capable of dealing with accidents/emergencies which may occur (however slim the chances) but IF this is a registered childminder there are red flags waving about her methods and ability to practice. Handing a child over to a drunk adult is not okay within the profession.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:12

Xpost

Megatherium · 08/03/2017 22:12

In fact, there's much more of a danger of your friend's parents finding out about this under the current arrangements, given that it's a matter of time before her daughter tells Granny and Grandpa about Aunty Jane whose house she goes to every fortnight, or about how she doesn't like being taken out of her bed twice a night especially when Mummy smells and behaves funny. Whereas if she's just put to bed by your friend and a babysitter comes to the house whilst she's asleep, most of the time she'll know nothing about it.

littledinaco · 08/03/2017 22:12

That doesn't make any sense about her parents finding out. Why/how would they find out if she had a babysitter in the house?
Surely the 3 year old would tell them she was dropped off at the babysitters, not at a sleepover anyway.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 22:13

Sounds like the poor woman is surrounded by people either telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing or judging her for what she is or isn't doing. No wonder she clings onto this once a fortnight break from everything! Her life sounds really claustrophobic. How would her parents even know she had a babysitter in her house? And surely her daughter would tell them that she stays at a babysitters house and not yours. I'm getting the impression she is a new friend. Or that you've only gotten to know her better recently. Like in the last 6 months to a year. Possibly since her relationship broke down.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:14

Why can't her parents babysit?

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:14

I think they call round at all hours. And often early morning. They have keys. That must be why.

Whatever the reason, this isn't the answer.

I'm torn between thinking it's not too bad and thinking it's awful.

If it was once every three months maybe. But it's every single fortnight.

It's unpleasant for the child certainly. I've had to stop sharing a taxi with her as it upset me seeing her daughter disorientated and upset.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 08/03/2017 22:15

So she has a friend who is highly judgemental, parents who are controlling and an ex who is only deemed fit by the courts to have his child in the daytime.

I'm feeling more sorry for her by the minute

LavenderDoll · 08/03/2017 22:15

With judgmental friends like you who needs enemies... Sounds more like you are friends with the ex......

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:16

Her parents come round whenever they want.

Her daughter doesn't speak many words.
So wouldn't have he language to say where she had been.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:16

Melina -twice a month is occasionally if she's with her dd 24-7 otherwise.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:17

What she's doing is wrong. I'm not assassinating her entire character.

OP posts:
glitterazi · 08/03/2017 22:17

She would also have to pay more as the child would be there longer and for a taxi to get there or a long journey on public transport

In that case, you don't go out until you have someone to look after your child, then.
(This coming from someone who loves a good night out. Lucky as always had my parents to have the kids overnight if I wanted a night out though.)
If I didn't though? Nope. You have nights in with your friends instead, or come back at something more reasonable like 10pm. NOT 3am.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:17

She always says she doesn't want to bother her parents. Obviously they're not close or there's other issues there. She's not gone into it.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 22:18

What she's doing is wrong

That's an opinion, not a fact.

littledinaco · 08/03/2017 22:20

Could you not speak to her and say you feel what she's doing is really unfair on her DD and offer to help her come up with a better alternative.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:20

I think it's wrong. It's not necessary. It makes me feel bad for her daughter.

I'm not saying she's an awful mum. She's not. But I feel bad for her daughter having to put up with this.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:20

I feel really sorry for this woman. She has one fortnightly outlet with her one friend, only one way of achieving it, and her one friend judges her for it.
Can you not help make things easier for her by simply going out 7-12, rather than 9-2 (or whatever)? And when you're response to that is 'why should I?' The answer is 'because it's the nice thing to do.'

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:21

I was worried about speaking to her. I don't want her falling out with me and never speaking to me again. That would make her very isolated.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 08/03/2017 22:21

What she's doing is wrong. I'm not assassinating her entire character.

But you are really aren't you. With a lot of drip feeding and judging.

If you had been really concerned for your friend you would have said "How can I help my friend sort out proper babysitting arrangements for her daughter without sounding like I am trashing her patenting".

Or you would have reported her already.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:22

She has lots of social meetings with my friends and I. This isn't her only opportunity.

This is just a night out we do.

We go to the cinema, meals, soft play centre etc.

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 08/03/2017 22:23

If you want to be a real friend stop judging her.

LavenderDoll · 08/03/2017 22:23

If you want to be a real friend stop judging her.