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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on this 3 year old

266 replies

ogbu · 08/03/2017 19:44

My friends and I go on a night out every fortnight. We arrange childcare for the night. My son goes to his dads anyway on alternate weekends and most of us have a partner at home or get a babysitter.

Now our friend hasnt been able to find anyone who is willing to babysit as her daughter sleeps so on our nights out she gets dressed, then takes her daughter at 9pm to a childminder that does overnight care. She takes her in a taxi.

We don't go clubbing we're too old for that! But we have a meal and a few drinks. This friend always gets a bit too drunk. She then orders a taxi which I sometimes share. She gets to the childminders house in the taxi and picks her daughter up. Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed as she's suddenly been woken up and put into a taxi. She also takes a while to get to sleep at the childminders so goes about 11pm to sleep so has only been asleep for about three hours at this point.

She then has a 20 minute taxi ride and my friend takes her home and into bed. At this point it's 3:30am easily. She then sleeps until late that day or wakes at her usual time as is grumpy.

I've always suggested my friend just collect her in the morning and give her a full nights sleep and her a chance to sober up so she's not picking her up drunk. But my friend will not even consider that as she then has to get a taxi in the morning or the hassle of the journey by public transport when she's hungover. She would rather pick her up after her night out.

I've not discussed this with friends and don't want to. so that's why I'm asking here.

I understand she has no one to have her daughter and she wants a night out. But there are other options.

We regularly meet at hers, we have day time meet ups, she could come for just the meal and be back earlier. I'm sure she could find someone to babysit at her house.

I just feel sorry for the daughter being kept awake until 10pm, woken at 2am to be transported into a taxi with her drunk mother, then having to stay awake for the taxi ride, taken home, put to bed again. Having her sleep pattern disrupted like that.

If it was necessary than that's different. But all this is so her Mum can go clubbing.

It's not a child protection concern. But AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 08/03/2017 21:36

Me too.

Miserylovescompany2 · 08/03/2017 21:38

Who needs enermies?

If you aren't comfortable with what she's doing then surely you would of said something the first time she did this.

Another who thinks Zilphas has it spot on.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:38

We like to stay out until that time. But obviously she can leave at whatever time she likes.

I'm not here to judge. I just don't know what to do about her daughter because I feel sorry for her.

This doesn't affect me at all. Her childcare arrangements doesn't affect me at all. It's only that I feel sorry for her child.

She's never going to decide not to come. She enjoys the meet up too much. I just wish she'd consider another option as I feel it's unfair on her daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:38

I'm 29. She's 24.

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:41

And it's possible to not think a particular thing a friend is doing is okay and not judge them as an entire human being!

If something isn't okay it's the right thing to at least notice and consider what the best thing to do.

OP posts:
Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 21:41

What's putting you off having a friendly chat to her about getting a babysitter in her house?

nokidshere · 08/03/2017 21:43

nokidshere, No, there is no "evidence" the childminder is dodgy. However, I'm not sure any ofsted registered childminder would be participating in such a set up

The OP has no idea if the person looking after the child is registered or not. She "knows nothing about her". She could be a friend doing a favour, or a babysitter. The child will not come to any harm from having a disrupted night twice a month, a 20 min cab ride and straight back into bed.

And there are many many children asleep in bed tonight who's parents have had a bit too much to drink. Not something I would do myself but certainly not the end of the world.

The OP sounds like she is regretting inviting this friend into her group "none of them like her" and is trying to find a way to cut her out.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 08/03/2017 21:46

And there are many many children asleep in bed tonight who's parents have had a bit too much to drink. Not something I would do myself but certainly not the end of the world.
That may be, but they're not dragging their children out into the cold at 2AM!

MrTCakes · 08/03/2017 21:49

I am surprised that so many think that this is fair on the child. No it is not the worst thing in the world, but it is piss poor parenting.

nokidshere · 08/03/2017 21:59

And there are many many children asleep in bed tonight who's parents have had a bit too much to drink. Not something I would do myself but certainly not the end of the world.
That may be, but they're not dragging their children out into the cold at 2AM!

She's not dragging her she's picking her up and taking her home. Really do we have to be so melodramatic all the time. Presumably she is wrapped up for the journey.

Although I'm sure OP is going to come along and drop feed that she is only in a flimsy nightie Confused

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 21:59

I don't think doing something for yourself occasionally, which will cause no long term harm to your child is piss poor parenting.
A friend of mine's life revolves entirely round her child, he is an anxious wreck with the pressure of his parents happiness resting on his shoulders.
I think there's a balance to be had to keep everyone in the family happy.

Megatherium · 08/03/2017 22:01

It's not just dragging the child out at 2 a.m., it's also dragging her out at 10 p.m. when most 3 year olds have been asleep for at least two hours. I really don't understand why anyone would want to do that rather than pay a babysitter so that the child can be left peacefully asleep.

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 22:02

If the childminder provides overnight childcare like you say, then whu on earth is your friend picking her child up well after midnight?! Confused
That's ridiculous, poor mite. I'd leave her be until morning and pick her up properly!

blowmybarnacles · 08/03/2017 22:03

As a childminder you can't hand over a child to a drunk parent, its a safeguarding issue.

Mother and childminder and both fucking atrocious, to be frank.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:05

She says she has to have the hassle of going in the morning to pick her up when she's feeling hungover.

She used the word 'hassle'.

She would also have to pay more as the child would be there longer and for a taxi to get there or a long journey on public transport.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 22:05

Hmm @ "piss poor parenting"

It's half an hour of dozing in a taxi before getting into her own bed where she can sleep until she naturally wakes the next morning.

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 08/03/2017 22:05

So does the childminder stay up until 3 then?

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:07

She wants to be able to stay at home on the morning after. Which i do understand.

She says also that her parents don't know she goes out without her daughter and wouldn't like it (she doesn't live with them but live in a house they own) so she can't have a babysitter at hers.

I'd forgotten about that.

So that's why she needs to be out of the house. She pretends she's at a friends house having a sleepover (probably pretending she's at mine as I'm the only friend she has)

OP posts:
Megatherium · 08/03/2017 22:07

Given what she must be paying out on a taxi to go via the childminder's and hang about whilst she drops the child off and picks her up, surely employing a babysitter has to be cheaper.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:08

The childminder must stay up the entire night. She has other children she is paid to look after
At night.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 22:08

We don't know the "childminder" is a childminder. She could be just a babysitter.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 22:08

It is strange that your friend chooses this option over a babysitter, which would cost the same.
I wonder why?
There's babysitters everywhere, neighbours, teenagers etc

Can you help her find a sitter?

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 22:08

I've only just remembered what she said about her parents.

I'd forgotten about it entirely. It was a comment made in passing. She has extremely critical and controlling parents.

OP posts:
Megatherium · 08/03/2017 22:09

Would her parents ever find out about it if she has a babysitter? They're not going to call round after 10 p.m. after all, I would hope.

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 08/03/2017 22:09

Surely even a childminder who provides overnight care would go to bed.