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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on this 3 year old

266 replies

ogbu · 08/03/2017 19:44

My friends and I go on a night out every fortnight. We arrange childcare for the night. My son goes to his dads anyway on alternate weekends and most of us have a partner at home or get a babysitter.

Now our friend hasnt been able to find anyone who is willing to babysit as her daughter sleeps so on our nights out she gets dressed, then takes her daughter at 9pm to a childminder that does overnight care. She takes her in a taxi.

We don't go clubbing we're too old for that! But we have a meal and a few drinks. This friend always gets a bit too drunk. She then orders a taxi which I sometimes share. She gets to the childminders house in the taxi and picks her daughter up. Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed as she's suddenly been woken up and put into a taxi. She also takes a while to get to sleep at the childminders so goes about 11pm to sleep so has only been asleep for about three hours at this point.

She then has a 20 minute taxi ride and my friend takes her home and into bed. At this point it's 3:30am easily. She then sleeps until late that day or wakes at her usual time as is grumpy.

I've always suggested my friend just collect her in the morning and give her a full nights sleep and her a chance to sober up so she's not picking her up drunk. But my friend will not even consider that as she then has to get a taxi in the morning or the hassle of the journey by public transport when she's hungover. She would rather pick her up after her night out.

I've not discussed this with friends and don't want to. so that's why I'm asking here.

I understand she has no one to have her daughter and she wants a night out. But there are other options.

We regularly meet at hers, we have day time meet ups, she could come for just the meal and be back earlier. I'm sure she could find someone to babysit at her house.

I just feel sorry for the daughter being kept awake until 10pm, woken at 2am to be transported into a taxi with her drunk mother, then having to stay awake for the taxi ride, taken home, put to bed again. Having her sleep pattern disrupted like that.

If it was necessary than that's different. But all this is so her Mum can go clubbing.

It's not a child protection concern. But AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 08/03/2017 20:46

Why don't you let her daughter stay at your house op.then you could share the taxi back at half price..

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 20:47

She can't stay at mine.

My house is empty at the weekend. My son is at his dads.

She would still have to find someone to look after her daughter for the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 20:47

She could have a babysitter at mine and all go back to mine. But that wouldn't help her at all.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 08/03/2017 20:53

Do you do other things which don't involve drinking op she could join in? I don't agree with it but I do feel sorry for her being a single parent is really hard I been there but I valued my down time and was lucky to have my parents who enabled me to go out socialising with friends otherwise I think I would still be depressed now.

Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 20:53

you sound a nice person ogbu, it's hard to make friends when you're low and feeling hard done by, as I imagine she is, it doesn't make you appealing and generous. I wonder if it's worth asking her if this CM is cheaper than a babysitter? Obviously this particular night out is important to her for some reason, I wonder if that's worth exploring as a why? It's a worry that she's got family but is close to none of them, you'd think they'd want to see the child.

Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 20:54

yeah, i've got 3 family members who've been lone parents for various stretches of years but the key difference is my parents have helped them a lot with childcare so they could still have a bit of a life, even with very limited money.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 20:58

I'm a lone parent without family nearby. My ex has our son every other weekend.

We do lots of this that don't involve drinking.

She just loves the night out.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 08/03/2017 21:00

But your ex has your child does her ex not have access to her child? Is she fairly young?

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 21:01

I'm just thinking back to my childhood. We regularly (maybe monthly) would go to my aunt and uncles house on a weekend night. My parents and aunt/uncle would have some drinks and my sister would always either fall asleep on the sofa or go up and sleep in my cousin's bed. It was always around1/2am when we would get a taxi home. About 15 minute journey. I'm really struggling to see the problem. It wasn't every night, she can have a lie in the next day.

Teddy1970 · 08/03/2017 21:01

Could you not go round to hers for a nice meal, some wine a DVD and perhaps you could stay over or get a cab home? Being sociable doesn't have to mean going out, just some adult company and good food does the trick!

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:02

She won't let her ex see her child. But he's currently going through the courts and been granted daytime visits.

This is part of the reason we don't offer to have her daughter. Her daughter has a wonderful father who could have her overnight. She won't let him because she's angry and bitter than he left her. Therefore her lack of childcare is entirely her own fault

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:03

We do lots of things other than this night out. We want to have this night out. Her lack of chills at eis no our problem and we are not changing our plans because she can't be bothered to find a babysitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:03

Childcare*

OP posts:
Robynmasters · 08/03/2017 21:03

It sounds to me like the childcare arrangements are of more concern than the mother's behavior.

The person looking after the child is happy with the pick up in the early hours arrangement, despite having numerous other children there. She may not be registered. They're may be other unidentified adults there.

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:04

I do feel for her regarding the ex situation. She is angry at the moment and I'm sure in time she will come to realise her daughter needs to see her dad and will come out the other end.

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:05

Anyway I'm getting sidetracked. Her relationship with her ex is not my concern.

It's just the waking the child up and her childcare arrangements for the night that concern me.

I think the childminder charges £40. That's for 10pm-3am roughly.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 08/03/2017 21:07

I don't think it's a huge problem once a fortnight if the child is safe. She obviously knows and trusts the childminder.

We used to go to friends for dinner and drinks when mine were small, we would put them to bed, enjoy our evening and then scoop them up and take them home. The next time the friends would do the same at ours. I can't imagine telling my friends they were being irresponsible for taking their child home Confused

There are plenty of times where this would happen for parents with no support surely? Travelling at night, family occasions such as weddings, holidays.

hollyisalovelyname · 08/03/2017 21:07

OP
Your friend collects her dc from an unofficial ( possibly) childminder at 3 am !!!!
Mind boggling. From the childminders point of view and the child's pov also.
And she is inebriated.
I wouldn't want to have anything to do with that.
Alarm bells ringing for me.

TwentyCups · 08/03/2017 21:07

Well the more you post the more it seems like you judge this friend a great deal.

If a court has only recently granted her ex day visits only it's very likely he is not a wonderful dad at all.

I don't think this set up is great tbh but she sounds lonely and a bit desperate for adult company.

Could you suggest hosting drinks and sing star or something at yours in the evening instead? Her daughter could sleep over in your sons room and they could leave together in the morning?

Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 21:09

that's hardly the deal of the century, is it? 5 hours for £40 plus the hassle of getting her to and from the CM. Do you think if you tried to talk to her about it she'd turn it into an argument? Could it still be somehow easier to her because this CM is known to the child?

Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:09

I know her ex and he's lovely. A great Dad.

No I'm not hosting anything at mine. Why should I? I want a night out with my friends. She can arrange suitable childcare if she wants to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
ogbu · 08/03/2017 21:11

I do lots of other things with her and won other friends which she comes to.

There's no reason why I should have to cancel this night out we have once a fortnight.

She doesn't have to come.

And she does have the money for a babysitter. As another person she's not even getting a good deal!

I'm not sure why she chooses this particular childminder but she seems reluctant to try another or find anyone else.

OP posts:
SaltBae · 08/03/2017 21:11

You sound judgemental & like you're just looking to come on here and verbally bash your friend.

If you don't agree with what she does don't be her friend? Don't be a shit friend and come on here to judge and bitch about her.

nokidshere · 08/03/2017 21:11

But she has arranged suitable childcare - it's not her fault you are so judgemental about it

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 08/03/2017 21:12

Um perhaps it's because this is my field but I am more concerned that any childminder is happy to let someone "more than a bit tipsy" collect a child. "Loss of physical control?" Ffs! And what's with taking a child from 10pm to 3am??? When did that become part of the EYFS? Frankly OFSTED would take a very dim view of all of that.