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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

253 replies

jobergamot · 08/03/2017 18:18

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

OP posts:
JonesyAndTheSalad · 08/03/2017 22:38

Shaking Oh it's an old MN thing. Someone comes on and expresses some concern about a man and their child and everyone piles on and accuses them of being a Daily Mail reader and hysterical and there's always a mention of "peedo" for some reason. People seem to think it's ignorant to have any fear for your child.

Naturebabe · 08/03/2017 22:38

YANBU at all. That she's his favourite is a very worrying comment - why would he say it except to 'impress' her. OP, trust your gut. Ignore those who think this is normal. It won't hurt to keep a very strict eye on this and document everything.

ChocolateWombat · 08/03/2017 22:44

I guess parents who hear something like this can gather something of the tone in which it is said....or maybe not.
However, I don't think this would ring an alarm bell for me. I'd probably consider it a bit of an unprofessional thing to say and wouldn't be bothered about the talk about where they live etc. If it heard similar comments reported again, then I make take notice, but not as a one-off.
I would ask DC if they felt he was being overly friendly and if he shows more interest in her than the others .....but if there is no sense of that and nothing has happened previously to arouse concern, I think I would be leaving it and moving on at this point.

People say slightly daft things quite often. Yes, people working with kids do have to be careful, but the comment in itself as a one off doesn't concern me. However, the OP knows the guy and will have instincts. It isn't clear from this thread if she has already felt or ride about him/has a gut instinct. If she does, then she should in a very low key way raise those concerns and what has been said. However if she doesn't have those concerns and has only heard this comment reported as a one-off with no other concerns, I think she should probably leave it. She needs to think about if this is part of a bigger concern about this man or not.

cantmakeme · 08/03/2017 23:14

I would just keep an eye on it, as others have suggested.

Also... just a thought... but it could be that he's attracted to YOU rather than your daughter. Asking who she lives with, might have been working out whether you're single?

TheStoic · 08/03/2017 23:15

You are the reason why we have so few male role models in schools, and childrens settings generally.

What a stupid thing to say.

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 23:25

Interesting that the OP and others like her are being blamed for too few men in teaching! No one has yet blamed all the sex offenders who have contributed to so many parents feeling very cautious about who has contact with their children!

foxyloxy78 · 08/03/2017 23:34

Keep an eye on it and trust your gut.

PennyPickle · 08/03/2017 23:40

Oh ffs. It sounds perfectly innocent and i dont doubt for one second that you wouldnt think this if it was a woman teacher. Christ

This

Are you totally anti-male teachers OP? Would it have been such a great deal if a female instructor had said this? Get a grip FFS!

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 23:55

What makes you think the OP is anti male teachers Penny? Expressing concern about one person doesn't mean someone is anti all those in that group! I am sure the OP has plenty of grip!

AYankinSpanx · 09/03/2017 00:03

Are you totally anti-male teachers OP?

How on earth do you arrive at that comment?

I would think exactly the same if the teacher was female, incidentally. An inappropriate choice of words from any member of staff.

Emeraldie · 09/03/2017 00:04

IF the 'teacher' did in fact say the child was his favourite. Does everyone categorically believe everything their 8yr old says?

Agree with this...and that's not to say the child is 'lying' just that all 8 year olds can puff up with pride and exaggerate/overstate.

Ds2 proudly told me a couple of weeks ago that his teacher said he's the cleverest boy in his class (which although he's bright sounded a bit too sweeping for a teachers comment!)

Anyway, we talked about his day and it slowly changed to 'well she said I'm really clever' to 'she said it was so clever of me the way I worked out xyz'...you get the idea. Kids interpret things in different ways.

OneSecondAfter · 09/03/2017 00:09

I think the "favourite" thing is a bit unprofessional and possibly a bit groomy, but asking who she lives with and where just sounds like normal small talk you make with an 8-year-old that you don't really know, to be honest. There's not much to talk about with them after all!

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/03/2017 00:17

It is odd and very unprofessional for a teacher to call her his favourite. And it is vocab right out of the grooming textbook (along with establishing family dynamics), so you are right to be concerned.

But it's one of those things that's hard to work out if you weren't there. Does your DD share everything with you? If she doesn't usually but felt the need to share this, that would also be a concern.

There isn't much you can do based on a conversation though. Have you spoken to her about predatory adults and keeping safe? I think that's where you should focus, and keep talking to her about swimming, be vigilant about any changes.

And anyone who pulls out the line 'Get a grip! FFS!' needs to find a grip themselves... The Op isn't planning to tar and feather this person, she just wants to talk through a concern.

quizqueen · 09/03/2017 00:55

Could he have maybe said something like, 'That was a great dive, it was my favourite today'? Children can sometimes misinterpret things that are said to them, just like they can also tell the truth. To put your mind at rest, could you volunteer to go with the swimming class just one time so you can see 'from a distance' how this teacher reacts to his pupils in general. It's great to have men in the teaching profession especially at the younger stages, I might add, but it's also very important for parents to be vigilant and some of the comments on here are way over the top. Jobergamot is not suggesting ruining this teacher's career but it is inappropriate to tell one pupil that she is 'his favourite', if that is what he actually said.

PuddleJumper01 · 09/03/2017 01:02

OP, if you're uncomfortable at people who give up their time to support your child's learning/life skills/leisure time/skills, perhaps you should be volunteering yourself at these activities so your DD isn't at risk from strangers but doesn't miss out.

There are probably peodos at swimming, dancing, acting, netball, football, art, gymnastics, singing, rainbows/brownies/guides, after-school clubs, school-related activities, church groups, booster learning etc and so forth.

So it's probably best if you don't sign your DD up for any of these activities unless you're there to coach her yourself.

I'm sure someone who opens a thread with what you've posted is a regular volunteer who gives up their time to help and support children, so I'm sure none of this will be a problem for you.

Trifleorbust · 09/03/2017 01:20

I hate all this 'trust your gut' crap. The OP hasn't even met the man. She is relying on the very thin reported content from one conversation. Her gut is underinformed.

Peanutandphoenix · 09/03/2017 01:44

It was just small talk I think your massively over reacting because it's a make teacher you wpuldn'the bat and eyelid if a female teacher made small talk like that with your DD.

Peanutandphoenix · 09/03/2017 01:49

*wouldn't stupid phone.

TheStoic · 09/03/2017 01:59

I hate all this 'trust your gut' crap. The OP hasn't even met the man. She is relying on the very thin reported content from one conversation. Her gut is underinformed.

Too bad. Better to trust an 'underinformed' gut than to get it wrong.

seven201 · 09/03/2017 02:34

Are you sure it wasn't something along the lines of 'mr x am I your favourite?', 'yes of course'. Or favourite of the day for the best backstroke or whatever. Where you all live was probably just small talk. He could have just looked it up on the school system if he really cared.

MaisyPops · 09/03/2017 04:07

No 'of course' about it. They made a comment that's entirely innocent.

I make comments about my 'favorite classes' and it's silly things like 'you are my favourite y7 class that i teach on Monday' and students make all kinds of jokes like 'but miss you like me more than Timmy/Sophie... be honest i am cooler than Jane'.
I've also had students back after school and asked where they live (to check if they need to be reminded they have a bus to catch or when theyrr deciding on colleges and logistics might play a role). Their adress is on the school system but mid conversation it's easier to ask.

I think you're being paranoid.

TealStar · 09/03/2017 04:32

Seeing as so much has been made about the 'favourite' comment here, perhaps the OP could give a little more information on its context? I haven't seen anything here to explain why it was said, how it was said etc.

It really does seem to be the only 'worrying' thing that was said so I suggest before the pitchforks and torches are taken up there is a little more information regarding that dialogue?

Trifleorbust · 09/03/2017 05:25

TheStoic:

I think you might mean, 'better to make a prejudiced guess than to get it wrong'? There is no basis for even a gut reaction here. The OP is massively reaching and deeply unreasonable.

VintagePerfumista · 09/03/2017 06:28

Nobody has said the child was lying.

I believe absolutely the child is telling the truth.

It's the mother who is imagining all kinds of batshit.

And abso-fucking-lutely mothers like her are the reason there are so few men going into teaching. I have been a teacher for 23 years and seen the numbers go down year after year. And when I ask my own teen boys if they'd ever be a teacher, the first thing many of them say is "no way, I'm not risking being called a paedo"

I'm also the safeguarding joint-co-ordinator in my school. Would we take this mother's concerns seriously? Of course we would. There'd be all manner of investigations, interviews, observations and outside agencies brought in.

And that'd be another one gone. Because no man is going to want to carry on, even if his name is cleared is he?

And in those 23 years, I've been lucky- I've had one child who was being abused and it came to light. By granddad. I'm not saying there aren't more. I'm not that naive to think we hear about all of them, or that it isn't going on under our noses "all the time".

The threads evenly balanced though- so what are you going to do OP? Because we can all row for days, but you're the one who has to decide if you're going to take it further.

Devilishpyjamas · 09/03/2017 06:41

The favourite thing is odd, but my first thought would be that my child had reported the conversation incorrectly - not that the teacher had actually said it.
'Do you like me mr teacher am I your favourite?'
'Oh yes you're all my favourites'

Part of the reason I would think that is because I can remember asking my grandad whether I was his favourite and him doing a bit of 'yes dear'. My mum broke the news to me that he'd say the same to any grandchild (there were lots of us) putting him in such an awkward position!! I think 8 year old girls are more interested in favourites that adult teachers.