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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

253 replies

jobergamot · 08/03/2017 18:18

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 08/03/2017 21:27

I would hate to be a teacher in these times...

In these times of better awareness and safeguarding procedures?
Yeah, horrible.

smurfest · 08/03/2017 21:27

yes it would ring alarm bells.

A teacher at my school was later imprisoned for his offences - he would often speak about having favourites.

impossible · 08/03/2017 21:28

AwaywiththePixies27 - I've noticed that too. My dcs' male teachers have been mroe standoffish with parents but have had really good relationships with dcs.

Inkanta · 08/03/2017 21:29

I understand that if it's said with humour Bruce Forsyth style - 'you're my favourite' - then that is different.

I get the impression it wasn't said in that way

danTDM · 08/03/2017 21:31

O.K,... you sound crazy

AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/03/2017 21:33

TheFirstMrsDV sorry the first, it seems I must have misunderstood your post where you said this.

Grilling her was daft. Watching a group of children get changes is hardly grooming is it? Its gone way past that.

AndnoneforGretchenWeinersBye · 08/03/2017 21:34

I appreciate that I'm very late to this party, and haven't rttt if I'm honest, but really why would you go from "she's his favourite" to "he must watch her get changed" so quickly? Seems insane to me.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 08/03/2017 21:38

Grethcen because that's the sort of thing predators say. They single a child out, tell them they're special.

I CANNOT BELIEVE the way the OP has been shut down here. She has concerns. Her alarm bells rang.

HOW many times are we all told to trust our instincts when it comes to our children's safety?

OP if you're still here, speak to another teacher about this "favourite" thing and about him asking her where she lives.

If he is innocent then he STILL needs telling that neither of these is ok. If he is not innocent then this will be logged.

AndnoneforGretchenWeinersBye · 08/03/2017 21:47

So to use Ian Huntley's name in the same thread as a teacher who told someone that their DD is their favourite is ok?

TheFirstMrsDV · 08/03/2017 21:49

Away that was in response to the OP. She asked her DD if the teacher watched her getting changed. That isn't grooming.

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 21:51

carelessdad if you saw a child walking alone aged 4 and were alone I'd probably think ring the police.I would not just leave them. You are right suspicion might have fallen on you and might not on me if I (as a middle aged female) had attempted to find the boys home. I am still not sure I would have attempted to take him anywhere. I might have waited with him or flagged down a passed by or even called non emergency police services. You are right to be cautious. It's just a fact.but well done for doing what you did.

Chickoletta · 08/03/2017 21:55

It's a standing joke in my classroom that I tell them all that they're my favourite!

cansu · 08/03/2017 21:58

sounds a bit of an over reaction tbh. When walking with kids I often make chit chat about where they live, what they do at the weekends etc. It really is just conversation. Kids love to talk about it and they then think that you are really interested in them genuinely. It is called building up a positive relationship! It isn't in any way sinister. Use of the word favourite could be a kind of joke. On its own it really is nothing to worry about.

StarUtopia · 08/03/2017 22:02

I think you're completely over-reacting (if it's simply as you describe in your post)

Obviously, be on your guard - but in general terms. I highly doubt he said she was 'his favourite' directly. And to me, he was just being friendly. Being a teacher is hard enough.

Common sense should prevail first.

AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming
whataboutbob · 08/03/2017 22:07

I was groomed by a sports instructor (my parents had no idea). I have 2 boys and am still vigilant. Listen to your instincts, don't let anyone talk you out of it. The "favourite" thing sounds inappropriate and concerning. I don't think you are necessarily being paranoid, at all. Keep a close eye and if you have any further concerns you may have to cancel the lessons. Your daughter may kick up a fuss but sometimes you have to be unpopular.
FWIW listening to your instincts and not ignoring alarm bells, even when you can't rationally justify them, is part of police training. They probably know better than most posters on here how subliminal clues are given out and in turn captured by observers. Don't ignore your feelings.

VeritysWatchTower · 08/03/2017 22:13

Very late to the party but the favourite comment is the alarm bell for me.

It could just be a throw away remark that the teacher hasn't even thought of but it can be the start of something more sinister.

I volunteer in a primary school and you categorically cannot tell any child that they are your favourite. It isn't just unprofessional and in the conduct guide I had to sign before I worked there, it is opening you up to allegations.

As a volunteer (and I come under the same rules as paid staff) I am not allowed to disclose my home address/phone number/connect with any child on social media etc. There will be huge safeguarding policy booklet, not necessarily the one on the school's website but the one for staff to read about their conduct toward children.

I would just stay alert. But yes, surely grooming is singling out, making a child feel special and gaining trust.

AYankinSpanx · 08/03/2017 22:16

I'm amazed that people have no problem with the "favourite" thing. In all of the many safeguarding training sessions I've been in, this sort of language has been empasised as a huge no no

Yep.

MN doesn't half love a pile on.

The teacher's questions were okay, but the 'you're my favourite' would make me raise an eyebrow and pay attention to what my child told me from that point about interaction. Most teachers would know that's inappropriate.

It could be completely fine, but YANBU for the comment to have jarred with you. Although you are admittedly out of step with the majority of posters who would ignore it completely.

I went to a school where many lines were ignored and blurred, and abusive behaviour completely normalised. "You're my favourite, you know," is a bit of a blast from the past.

DionFortune · 08/03/2017 22:19

Reading this thread I can't help but think of the book 'Protecting the Gift' which is by Gavin de Becker who also wrote 'The Gift of Fear' which is often quoted on here.

He describes how in case after case of a child being abused that parents or other people around them felt uneasy, without necessarily anything concrete to base it on. He advocates always listening to your instincts particularly when it comes to child protection. It's well worth a read by parents and anyone who has an interest in keeping children safe from harm.

OP something has set off alarm bells with you. I would in your shoes just be vigilant and keep a close eye on your daughter and the situation. Don't dismiss out of hand how you feel, it may well be nothing but to completely ignore your uneasiness would be unwise.

And it is almost always men who sexually abuse children. That's just a fact, sorry.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/03/2017 22:22

IF the 'teacher' did in fact say the child was his favourite. Does everyone categorically believe everything their 8yr old says?

Original poster
jobergamot · 08/03/2017 22:23

Thank you to the posters who have taken the time to give thoughtful, considered responses and not just dismiss my concerns. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
AYankinSpanx · 08/03/2017 22:30

Does everyone categorically believe everything their 8yr old says?

I was waiting for this.

The OP obviously doesn't think her daughter is lying. Other parents will make their own minds up when it comes to their DC.

aquashiv · 08/03/2017 22:33

If I were you. I would talk to him. Not tell him off just talk to him. ..see how he responds..

JonesyAndTheSalad · 08/03/2017 22:34

If my 8 year old tells me something to make me worry about their safety, I will ALWAYS believe her. If it turns out to be untrue, no harm done.

OP expressing concern about this teachers style and about him asking students where they live, will cause no damage to his career if he's not done anything wrong. It will merely result in him being told not to do those things.

ShakingAndShocked · 08/03/2017 22:35

Astounded by the flaming OP has had here.

You'd think she'd already reported him to the police or demanded an immediate investigation from the School based on some of the responses on here FFS Hmm

What she has done is come on to a wholly anonymous forum to sense check her gut instinct with other parents - on a site that's all about support (in theory, anyways...).

She has done nothing wrong and precisely everything right - alarm bells ringing at 'favourite' comment; running her concerns by others in what is meant to be a safe place.

OP I would just keep listening to your child as well as having the conversations about autonomy over her own body, but I would let the school safeguarding Lead know about the 'favourite' comment; they can speak with your daughter to ascertain quite what it was that was said/how it was said etc and then they will almost certainly ensure he has further training as, as so so many PPs have pointed out, that is a: unprofessional; b: breach of safeguarding training; c: placing himself at risk.

And can I suggest that those of you who just want to have a pop or prove how 'cool' you are maybe find some other ways of soothing those needs?

bunnylove99 · 08/03/2017 22:37

YANBU OP. The 'favourite' comment is unprofessional and inappropriate. You might well have nothing at all to worry about but I think you are best to trust your instincts if you have niggles, and keep an eye on things.