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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

253 replies

jobergamot · 08/03/2017 18:18

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 09/03/2017 06:45

star that meme is infuriating.
There are hundreds of threads on MN about schools raising safeguarding concerns based on something a child has said at school.
The overwhelming opinion is that the school is always, always right to do so 'just in case'
Because 'if you have nothing to hide, no harm done' 'I would rather a hundred families were checked for no reason than one single child gets harmed' 'they are just doing their job' etc etc.

So apparently its fine to be suspicious based on a throwaway comment from a child if you are an institution but not if you are a parent?

I am an advocate for common sense and rational thought when dealing with safeguarding. That has to be a two way street. In the most part teachers are no more qualified to make a decision whether a concern is reasonable than a parent is.

People are saying that the OP wouldn't have a concern if the teacher were female. I am saying this thread would look very different if the OP were a teacher talking about a parent.

Notthinkingclearly · 09/03/2017 06:52

I can't believe that such a silly comment as " you are my favouite" a joke the Bruce Forsyth uses all the time could potentionally have a swimming tutor investigated. You have no idea in what context it was used and it's probably just used as a way of encouraging students. My 6 year old daughter recently came home and told me that her male PE Teacher called her a princess for something she had done- I would never ever think this was grooming. It's a joke in my school that the head calls the reception class her favourite but don't tell the other classes.

MooCahnt · 09/03/2017 06:56

Roll on the day when robots can replace male teachers eh.

BertrandRussell · 09/03/2017 07:00

One of the problems here is the title of the thread. the OP has obviously gone a long way along the path of suspicion. Not ""Was this a bit unprofessional?" -which it may have been, depending on what was said and in what context- , but "I suspect him of grooming". Which is a pretty bizarre leap on the strength of what has been reported.

r0tringLover · 09/03/2017 07:01

When I was an assistant head, I had a parent complain to me that they had heard a teacher calling another child in the class a favourite. I said I'd check it out and went to have a quick word with the teacher. They smiled at me and asked the class who was his favourite pupil and every single one put their hand up. It was lovely. It wasn't unprofessional. It made them all feel important and liked and valued. None were upset that they'd been "lied to".

I taught for over two decades. It's inappropriate.

So have I and I think it's fine. I think asking where a child lives is fine. An address is a little strange but the teacher is likely to have access to that information anyway. Of course, under DP Laws, they would need a reason to access it, but they could.

Thank you to the posters who have taken the time to give thoughtful, considered responses and not just dismiss my concerns.

You're thanking people who agree with you? Did you only post to be told you're correct. People usually come to AIBU to get a range of opinions.

humourless · 09/03/2017 07:11

Trust your gut and be reasonable. See what she says next week.

MaisyPops · 09/03/2017 07:17

Not ""Was this a bit unprofessional?" -which it may have been, depending on what was said and in what context- , but "I suspect him of grooming". Which is a pretty bizarre leap on the strength of what has been reported.
Total leap. And one that could mean somebody struggles to get another job if reported as such because there's a massive differenve between querying a comments and suggesting someone accuses somebody else of grooming.

But hey, the OP just wants to be told they're right. i guess I better avoid saying I think my classes are beautiful, individuals are lovely, that I adore teaching them, favourite comments about work/answers etc. Nothing nice to build 1-1 relationships and nurture children in case i see a MN thread about me

MrsPeelyWaly · 09/03/2017 07:17

*'Mr X told me I'm his favourite'8

I think its innocent and there's more to it than you were made aware of.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2017 07:20

Eg it's discrimination to stop xyz type of people at the airport - why, if the terrorists are usually xyz type??

Because the vast majority of "xyz type people" are not terrorists.

BertrandRussell · 09/03/2017 07:23

Do not trust your gut. Guts are absolutely useless at this sort of thing.

Thinkingblonde · 09/03/2017 07:27

I had a teacher who told me that I was his favourite. I worked harder for him and swelled with pride every time I got a star for my work. I told a classmate that I was Mr. X's favourite, she said "no you're not, I am!". It was like that scene from Spartacus". Thirty kids saying "I'm his favourite".

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/03/2017 07:52

Before you blindly trust your instincts, I'd suggest reading 'Blink'.It helps you to determine when an initial response is your instinct and when it's being shaped by other factors.
tbh considering it's unclear how and why the teacher said she was his favourite, and there's confusion over whether he asked where she lived or asked for her address, I don't know how you expect to get any useable advice. The context and wording are important and you've provided neither despite posting several times.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 09/03/2017 08:04

I don't know how you expect to get any useable advice. The context and wording are important and you've provided neither despite posting several times.

^^This. And yet the pitchforks are out.

originalbiglymavis · 09/03/2017 08:57

I was teachers pet in history. Loved the subject, worked really hard, wantef to be a historian since I was little.Teacher was a gruff ex-miner who had gone to night school to get a degree as he loved history.

Now my science teacher hated me, as aid o was rubbish

originalbiglymavis · 09/03/2017 08:58

Phone sent wonky - anyway, science teacher really didn't want me in the class and made no bones about it.

allthingslipsticks · 09/03/2017 09:33

I'm a teacher, and I would never, ever tell any student that they were my favourites (even if they were). It's highly inappropriate. Any teacher who openly shows one particular student favour above others would send alarm bells to me, I'm afraid.

TealStar · 09/03/2017 09:57

OFGS 🙄

AYankinSpanx · 09/03/2017 10:00

This. And yet the pitchforks are out

Where are these pitchforks Anoise?

As far as I can see, most posters have said 'it's no big deal' or 'keep an eye on it, it might be.'

AnnPerkins · 09/03/2017 10:33

I think you posted a completely reasonable question, OP. And your later response to remain 'Vigilant but not vigilante' sounds exactly right to me.

It is inappropriate and ill-advised for a swimming instructor to tell an 8yo girl she's their favourite. If my child told me that I would take note and I would ask my child a few more questions. My DH volunteers with the local Beaver group and he would do the same.

Those who are accusing you of completely overreacting and declaring themselves happy to not be a teacher in these terrible times are the ones who sound hysterical, not you. Nobody's accusing anyone of anything, with the exception of some of the posters here.

BertrandRussell · 09/03/2017 10:47

"Nobody's accusing anyone of anything, with the exception of some of the posters here."

Well. Apart from the OP who suspects the swimming t acher of grooming"

Because if she genuinely thinks he is grooming her child, then she should sure as hell report him and now! if she doesn't then why say it?

CountMagnus · 09/03/2017 11:23

He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely.

There is no context to this - he might have said something encouraging and the DD has interpreted it in a particular way.

Did the DD choose to walk with the teacher rather than with another child? IME, the children would usually walk in pairs back from the pool.

Or maybe the teacher has concerns over the DD's home situation?

AnnPerkins · 09/03/2017 11:28

As parents we are advised to be aware of things that can be signs of grooming. OP didn't say she was going to accuse the man or act in any way other than be vigilant.

She has been accused of causing all men to avoid working with children.

derxa · 09/03/2017 11:30

Well what are you going to do OP?
I used to say to pupils e.g. 'You're my favourite pupil called Kevin.'
He wouldn't have been walking along to swimming with her on his own. There would have been at least two other members of staff there. He wouldn't have been in the girls' changing room. Have an informal chat with the class teacher. Just say, 'Julie told me that Mr X said she is his favourite'. There's no point in asking MN.

Pagwatch · 09/03/2017 11:50

The favourite thing does depend on the teacher and the context. One of the coaches at my DDs club has a standing joke that every child, everytime they do anything right, is their fav a la Bruce Forsyth.
I've often said that to my DDs friend if they clear the table or laugh at my joke or something similarly lame.

It's hard to know without context.
I wonder what else is bothering you op because nothing you have posted would worry me but surely you must have reason to imagine something us off because otherwise it is a big leap.

AYankinSpanx · 09/03/2017 11:53

Well what are you going to do OP?

Because if she genuinely thinks he is grooming her child, then she should sure as hell report him and now! if she doesn't then why say it?

The OP has already said, many posts ago, that she was just trying to air her concerns and that she would be 'vigilant but not vigilante' about it.

In other words, a perfectly measured, low key and sensible response.

Unlike many of the comments here.