AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

[jobergamot]

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

Jimmy Seville and Rolf Harris would have both been cleared to work with children as they HAD no convictions

To all those who are suspicious, please think about the following true story.

I was driving home one afternoon, and on an A road in a residential area near my house, saw a boy of about 3 or 4 by himself on the pavement. It was odd that there were no adults nearby, but here were 2 middle aged women about 100 yards away, walking away. I stopped the car, and asked the women if the boy was with them. They said no, and I asked them if they would help me find out where the boy lived. We all walked back down the road with the boy who wanted to go down a lane beside one of the semi detached houses, where there were kids’ toys in the front garden and kids playing and shouting in the back garden. I rang the doorbell, and spoke to the woman who answered, who was the boys mother. He had been playing with slightly older kids in the back garden and she hadn’t realised he could, or had got out. She was very grateful to the two women and me.

But imagine the situation if the two women hadn’t been there. Until I saw them, I did wonder if I should have stopped. What would have happened if I, as a middle aged man, had been walking down a road with a young child, trying to find out where he had come from? If his mother had noticed him missing, and run out of the house in a panic, and seen him walking possibly away from the house with a middle aged man, would she have thanked me for stopping my car to help a young boy on the pavement of a busy road, or would she have thought that I abducted him from the garden of his house and was taking him away?

It all worked out in the end. But if those two women hadn’t been there, would I have stopped? That split second decision could have had horrendous consequences either way.

The 'favourite' thing is unprofessional and potentially worrying but without context its hard to know, might have been said in a joking manner which your DD didn't 'get'. The rest doesn't bring a concern (unless he actually asked for her address but that doesn't seem very believable - sure DD didn't get the wrong end of the stick?) but if you're concerned then keep an eye on things and make sure your DD is up to date on what people shouldn't do to her or ask her to do.

Thank you for what you did, careless dad.

Sounds totally innocent to me. Makes me so sad to hear how quickly parents jump to conclusions. ........

Oh dear, it's inappropriate to ask students about their family?

You'd better tell the Cambridge exams syndicate. It's the one of the first three standard questions examiners ask. The very first one tends to be "where do you live?"

Having recently completed training on CSE I think some of the comments are a bit mean. OP there is some great information on Bernardo's website.

Anyone telling my child is thier 'favorite' outside of immediate family would make me feel uneasy.

Chickenvindaloo- quite right. Most child abusers are male.

And tend to be members of the victim's family (isn't it something like 85%?)

I wonder how the OP would think Granddad or Uncle Fred, or cousin Stuart were "grooming" if they were chatting with the 8 yr old.

carelessdad there is no issue with that at all.
IME people fall all over themselves to protect men's feelings, before protecting children.

OP. Would you mind clarifying the thing about asking for her address please? You said in your first post that he asked where she lived.

They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Asking a child if they lived at 1 cherry tree lane or if they simply went to Hogwarts are two very different things. I'm very surprised he asked for her address and none of the staff accompanying him pointed out this was wholly inappropriate.

I tell my teenagers they are my favourites when I want them to do something for me! I tell my childminded children they are my favourites then one of the others points out that's unfair so then they become my favourite with much hilarity. None of them really think they are my favourite!

It depends on context I suppose. The OP said he asked where she lived, not what her address was - there is a huge difference when the answer to one could be Milton Keynes and the answer to the other could be 23 Queens Drive, Putney SW6.

I'd mentally file the convo if you are concerned and listen on swimming days in case anything else causes concern. It more likely that he is just a lovely teacher taking an interest in his class than anything else though.

carelessdad there is no issue with that at all.
IME people fall all over themselves to protect men's feelings, before protecting children.^

Not really brasty. Asking for clarification of things that have supposedly been said that can potentially ruin a mans career is hardly 'protecting their feelings'.

To be honest, he'd have to be a bit of a useless groomer if he was planning on popping round to the family home of an evening to do it, hence the asking for the address.

A more groomy kind of question would surely be to ask about when the kid isn't at home.

Like other teachers on here, I tell all my kids they're my favourite, it's become a standing joke- like a Brucie favourite as mentioned upthread.

I don't want to shag any of them. They're teenagers. They smell baaad.

It's a fact of life that most child molesters are male so why the handwringing about a different view being take on a female teacher?

ChickenVindaloo2 No. I was just as pissed off when I found out the lady in question in our case had been allowed on trips and excursions for five years without having once been checked. I couldn't care less about all the "awww but Mary wouldn't hurt anyone - she's lovely". Doesn't matter, checks are there for a reason and she shouldn't have been allowed to continue.

I tell my kids' friends that they're my favourite all the time when they do something I appreciate - they say 'I love your spaghetti' - I say: 'you're my favourite'.

Isn't it possible that a teacher might do this?

I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Does your dd have other adult males in her life? If not she may particularly like having a male teacher be kind to her. She may also have exaggerated what he said because she wants his approval.

A friend's ds (age 12) told his mates his PE teacher (at parents' evening) said he was the best athlete in school. My friend overheard him bragging and pointed out this wasn’t remotely true. I think dcs can often exaggerate their specialness / popularity. It's quite possible this teacher did not tell your daughter she was his favourite.

I do feel sorry for the male teachers - who have to deal with suspicious parents at primary school and flirty schools girls at secondary. In my dcs' experience some of their favourite teachers have been male.

I wouldn't like that at all
And take it from someone who happens to know of a few convicted peodophiles who I never expected could have been like that

I would hate to be a teacher in these times...

I wondered about that impossible. It sounds like exactly the kind of thing an 8 yr old would say to impress their parent. "Oh Mrs X says I'm the best/their favourite/got the top marks"

Hi OP. Haven't RTFT. I am a teacher and I would always encourage anyone with concerns to speak to a child protection officer. They are the professionals, and they would much, much rather receive 100 reports that turn out to be "nothing" than miss one that is a problem, and I am sure you would rather err on the side of caution. Our designated safeguarding lead actually told us not enough reports were coming in from staff!

That said, I would be hesitant to call it grooming - focus on the facts when reporting your concerns: you don't like what he said/ asked your DD and want to share that concern. Whenever teachers file a report about a concern there is a very strong emphasis on focusing on facts, not opinion or interpretation (for this reason please be careful about grilling your DD too much - leading questions make any evidence unreliable and potentially inadmissable should it ever come to a court case). When you report it, I would imagine (but I have only received the statutory safeguarding training) that you would be thanked for sharing the information and told to get in touch again if you had further concerns. I am not even sure the outcome of the investigations would be shared with you unless your DD is actually at risk.

To all the posters screeching that you wouldn't be saying this if the teacher was a woman: you probably wouldn't. But that doesn't mean it isn't a concern to you now, with a male teacher. Also, like it or not, most child abusers are men. It would be foolish not to suspect woman where you would suspect a man, not the other way around.

And regarding there being so few men in teaching: women earn less than men overall, because most low-paid (and "caring") positions are filled by women. Teaching isn't exactly a gold mine, so maybe prestige and earning potential have something to do with men being underrepresented...

VintagePerfumista - exactly! I well remember my dcs' and their friends having all sorts of wrangles about being teachers' favourite.

I also feel compelled to add that a male teacher friend was put on indefinite leave because a pupil made a sexual allegation against him. The allegation was found to be completely untrue but my friend didn’t work for three months and has since battled the awful reality that some people are suspicious of him. He is contemplating a new career – which is a tragedy because he is a truly inspirational teacher.

Accusing someone of grooming because of a gut instinct is terrible. Accusations have to be investigated so in an instant a career can be tarnished or destroyed. In my friend’s case the child who accused him had been misunderstood by the adult he spoke to and the whole ghastly business rolled on for months.

I would like to add that asking where a kid lives seems quite innocent to me - if for no other reason that that information is readily available to teachers on any pupils management system I should imagine (it is at our school). The favourite thing I would never ever say - my reaction to pupils being complimentary tends to be "What have you done???"

In my dcs' experience some of their favourite teachers have been male.

Mine too impossible. One particular teacher of DDs. I never really got on with. Hadn't done anything untoward I just felt like I couldn't approach him. Think he probably said two sentences to me in the whole of that year. DD still talks of him with fondness - he was one of her favourite teachers during a very bad time she had at school.

I don't like the favouritism comment OP.

That's a red flag to me too.

You don't say that to kids.

awaywiththe
He didn't watch them get changed and no one said that he did