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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

253 replies

jobergamot · 08/03/2017 18:18

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

OP posts:
AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 08/03/2017 19:29

a teacher singling one student out as his favorite is completely unacceptable.

We don't know he is! We have no idea what the conversation was.

Megatherium · 08/03/2017 19:31

I'm assuming that when you asked your child whether he watches them when changing that the answer was no - otherwise you would have said so. That being the case, I agree that this sounds like innocuous chitchat and you shouldn't be worried about it.

kali110 · 08/03/2017 19:32

Yabu, massively.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/03/2017 19:32

When you say 'specialist PE teacher' do you perhaps mean a Sports Apprentice? Several primary schools in our area have used the PE Sports grant to hire sports apprentices, generally teenage or early twenties - majority are male, keen to learn, very enthusiastic - but need guidance on how is and isn't appropriate to speak to young children. Young children who take things that are said to them and often mis-interpret or take it far too literally and wouldn't get any hint of a joke out of 'you are my favourite'
As an aside - one of my dear deceased Grandad's favourite little quips was to tell me I was his favourite grand-daughter - I was his only grand-daughter!
From a practical side of view, I might be inclined to speak to the safeguarding lead or HT at school, very low-key and just mention the terminology being used by the guy in question, and then that will be dealt with I'm sure. I wouldn't have any problem with him finding out/enquiring about your home life - that is quite normal!

originalbiglymavis · 08/03/2017 19:34

Every swimming teacher (they've all been male) has told ds that he is their favourite student. I'm sure it's not true - he's a nice kid and all, but just responds well to teachers who are pally and act like a cool big brother. His table tennis teacher says the same.

I think it's just a way of talking to kids. Often they don't have kids themselves so might not have the 'parent radar' that would question whether an innocent comment may be misconstrued.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:35

This is not an interaction. Any safeguarding training for professionals explains why the "favourite" thing is a no no.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:37

Then mavis it sounds as if your school is very poor on safeguarding

nancy75 · 08/03/2017 19:37

Most sports professionals shouldn't need a parent radar, they should have had safeguarding training and should also know what things they shouldn't say so that they don't end up with parents being suspicious of them.

TFPsa · 08/03/2017 19:38

It's possible that he's grooming but of course nearly all teachers aren't and OP has provided next to no reasons to make me think this one is any different.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:39

It isn't just about parents being suspicious of them. It is about making sure those who are innocent do not create a culture where grooming can go unnoticed.
I wouldn't expect everyone to understand this. But teachers should.

DancingDragon · 08/03/2017 19:40

I'd keep an eye on the situation, it's likely nothing, but the favourite bit would concern me as well.

Userone1 · 08/03/2017 19:40

Is asking a child where they live and about their family considered to be grooming questions?

DancingDragon · 08/03/2017 19:41

Most sports professionals shouldn't need a parent radar, they should have had safeguarding training and should also know what things they shouldn't say so that they don't end up with parents being suspicious of them.

Absolutely.

ilovesooty · 08/03/2017 19:41

I would not allow her to be alone with him

No teacher with any sense would allow that to happen anyway.

Katnisnevergreen · 08/03/2017 19:41

My students constantly ask if they are my favourite class/ students and I always say yes with a long suffering tone and eyebrow raise. Perhaps your daughter asked in the same sort of way?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/03/2017 19:42

one of my dear deceased Grandad's favourite little quips was to tell me I was his favourite grand-daughter - I was his only grand-daughter!

NotInMyBackyard1 I do this with my niece and nephew. I have one sister. Who has two teenage children. So only have one niece and one nephew. They've both been my favourite niece and nephew since they were babies because they're my only niece and nephew.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/03/2017 19:44

I would not allow her to be alone with him

At what stage is this likely to happen? In a school setting with hundreds of children and several members of staff. There was presumably several members of staff on the swimming trip too.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:44

It is totally different with relatives. GPs do many things with kids that it is not okay for a teacher to do.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/03/2017 19:47

We haven't even verified that he has said it yet though have we?

BishopBrennansArse · 08/03/2017 19:49

Where did he watch kids get changed?

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 19:49

SoupDragon "If a person's default stance is to be suspicious of men, I hope to God they don't have sons."

I am not sure if you were referring to my comment or not, maybe not.

But I said " ... it is a case of being initially trusting of all men or initially suspicious of all people then I guess I will go with the later but only when there is something to be suspicious of."

By that i meant as soon as I am not sure if something is right I would feel suspicious and that would extend to women and men. I guess for me it is also about setting, I don't walk past people in the day thinking they are up to no good but in some situations I feel wary. I don't extend trust to everyone automatically. Not because of any personal experience, it is just who I am.

I have a son too. I am not fearful for him. I am much more fearful for my daughter. I am not automatically suspicious of men but I am not automatically trusting either. I guess I quite quickly made a decision on people and usually trust but I reserve the right not to be, I just don't let it show.

If anyone treats my son that way (or my daughter) that is fine by me, I am polite to everyone face to face.

ClaryIsTheBest "...through the church/media/teacging etc and, the vast majority of which seems to be by men.

...I agree. However, in so many of these situations women have known and didn't do anything/covered it up/actively allowed it. Not trying to start this huge argument but I really think that some people primarily worrying about men may open a new can of worm."

You are right that many women have stood by and done nothing. I do not condone that at all.

"I for example had a bullying, objectifying and verbally abusive teacher that crossed many very persoan boundaries (like the bodily integrity of us, her pupils). She was female. And whilst I'm not saying what she did was as bad as sexual abuse... it was pretty horrible."

I completely agree, all forms of bullying are horrible, whether they are committed by males or females.

ellash · 08/03/2017 19:53

OP, you came on here to address your worries and for a little bit of advice & you've got some really shitty replies!

I do think you're perhaps being a little paranoid, but I don't think it's just come out of thin air.
The 'favourite' bit - shouldn't have been said. But may well have been said light heartedly in jest.
Talking about personal life is something most teachers would do.

But... something has triggered the worry in your mind. I don't think that its because he's male. Maybe the way your daughter has spoken about him so admirably has concerned you?

I definitely think sit down & talk with her about what is and isn't allowed to happen with her body so she is always safe.

Ask your daughter on a weekly basis about her conversations with this teacher and if there are some more alarming things then it is up to you to do what you wish in regards to addressing this. Just BE SURE!

At the end of the day you are a mum. Your sole responsibility is to care for your daughter and ensure she is safe.
I for one would NOT ever risk my sons safety, just because a load of people on the internet told me I was being paranoid.

Gut instinct. How many times do we all wish we had gone with it?

ChickenVindaloo2 · 08/03/2017 19:53

My PE teacher touched me and some other girls inappropriately when we are about 10-11. We were too young to explain that we didn't want Mr S resting his hand on our shoulder or "helping" us swing the racquet or manouevering our legs whilst in swimming costumes. This was about 1990.

He used to "check" the girls changing room when we were doing lengths.

I wish one of us had had a parent who had noticed and said something. Sad

angeldelightedme · 08/03/2017 19:54

Context is very important

Most likely at the poolside 'lets see who has the best breaststroke today?
'oh I think this one is my favourite' (pointing at OP's kid)

some hours later: 'Mr Flipper said I was his favourite today.'

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 19:55

ApplePaltrow21 great post.