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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

253 replies

jobergamot · 08/03/2017 18:18

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/03/2017 18:54

Huntley was the reason the checks were enhanced! Confused I know this because I used to help out at a church Sunday school and even the musicians (who didnt have any interaction with the children) had to be checked too!

Sorry OP. But you really are overthinking this.

ExConstance · 08/03/2017 18:55

op you are both paranoid and dangerous, people like you are the reason there are so few male teachers, which is a great pity.

TheElephantofSurprise · 08/03/2017 18:56

OP, trust your gut, in this as in everything else.
He should not have told your dd she was his favourite.
He should not be talking with her about personal things.
Even if he is as innocent as a lamb, he should be cautious.
Teach your dd to be more wary and to keep away from him.

ClaryIsTheBest · 08/03/2017 18:57

Sounds innocent to me.

Just make sure she knows what's allowed to happen, that she can talk to you and keep an eye on the sitation.

Because whilst I do think that this sound innocent:

You are her mother. If you do have a bad feeling... Maybe your wrong (I think you are) but always listen to your gut and be vigilant!!

Whilst I don't think he is grooming her I don't think being cautious is a bad thing. And listening to your gut isn't bad either. So, keep observing and listening to your daughter...

user1487372252 · 08/03/2017 18:57

Op I can't see why people are being so hard on you. You are querying if people find this odd so you have others points of views. I can't see why more than one person has said you are the reason there are few male teachers etc. You have not reported anything or done anything to make this man feel awkward so I don't see why people think this.

You can't know based just on these comments if they are innocent or not. They could be. None of the posters know if they are or not so without more information I don't know why folk are being so hard on you purely for wondering.

228agreenend · 08/03/2017 18:57

Probably innocent, but no harm in keeping an eye on things. i wouldn't say anything at this stage, but just monitor what is going on.

I don't think you are wrong in questioning the situation.

ShoeEatingMonster · 08/03/2017 18:58

Agree with others about the favourite thing. Completely depends in what situation it was in - joking around, fine. Not joking around - not fine. And as a teacher it does ring alarm bells. What did your dd say when you questioned her?
The other stuff sound completely normal.

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 18:58

OP you are not the reason so few men work in teaching. I might guess there are plenty of other reasons men don't work in teaching,.

Personally, I would not be happy to know my child was the teacher's favorite. Whether it is true or not. It's a pretty stupid thing for a teacher to say to a child.

Foxysoxy "I would have thought from a safe guarding situation it is only sensible of teachers to find out a little about pupils family and home life, gently and without being invasive obviously. " I can't quite imagine it is part of any sports teacher's remit to try and find out about pupils home life from a safeguarding point of view.

I am guessing it was just chit chat. I would want to keep an eye on it and I might speak to him and just say it is not appropriate to tell pupils that they are your favourite.

Personally, would I be worried about a female teacher taking a shine to my child, calling them their favoruite, probably yes I would. It's so important to be PC these days if it is a case of being initially trusting of all men or initially suspicious of all people then I guess I will go with the later but only when there is something to be suspicious of.

I just think it is an odd thing for a professional to say to a child. At the very least likely to lead to a big headed pupil.

Olympiathequeen · 08/03/2017 18:58

I am a bit suspicious of things like this too, so I would just do some sensible talking to your DD about personal space and so on. I don't think YABU.

Crispbutty · 08/03/2017 18:59

Op, does your child have male relatives? Would you have alarm bells if she said "uncle Fred says I'm his favourite niece!"?? Because there is much more likelihood of abuse within the family than at school.

These days more than ever men are terrified of being accused of inappropriate behaviour and many are scared to work with children because of the vigilante mentality and also children who are rightly taught to recognise what is wrong from an early age, but few also use it as an untrue accusation maliciously.

Shakirasma · 08/03/2017 19:00

I'm amazed that people have no problem with the "favourite" thing. In all of the many safeguarding training sessions I've been in, this sort of language has been empasised as a huge no no. The grooming process begins with making a child feel special and as though they have a special bond with the groomer. Nobody working with children should be talking like that, even in jest, as it leaves the (probably innocent) staff member vulnerable to suspicion just like in the OP

bloodyteenagers · 08/03/2017 19:00

Teachers ask children about home life
Etc. normally activity.
Where do you live? Not everyone lives close to the school. Some live in the next borough/county... follow up - how do you get to school? Follow up talk about the journey.
Any siblings? Follow up questions.

It's called shock horror, taking an interest in people you are with for at least a year.

Nothing sinister about it.

That1950sMum · 08/03/2017 19:01

FFS Elephant do you really think it is inappropriate for a teacher to talk to a child about their family? Or do you just think that male teachers shouldn't do this?

I know for a fact that my DD's teacher knows where we live, what me and my DH do for a living, what the cat's called, where we go on holiday and probably how often I buy Prosecco on the way home!

Children are naturally chatty and love to talk about their family because that is their world. They should be encouraged to chat to adults, not scared off by paranoid nonsense.

WhenLoveAndCakeCollide · 08/03/2017 19:01

OP - Ian Huntley passed checks, due to failings by some of the agencies involved. Changes were made to the system as a result of these failings. You're comparing something well over a decade ago, to a new system.

JigglyTuff · 08/03/2017 19:02

Only in AIBU would posters rather their kid's PE teacher is grooming them that to be told they're overreacting. Hmm

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 08/03/2017 19:02

He may just be a bit thick and socially inept - teachers don't tell kids they are their favourite.
I tell all my classes they are my favourite class - just a joke and they know it.
Sometimes I ask a child where they live ( eg if they tell me there was a power cut in the area so they couldn't do their homework Grinbut emphasise I mean general area, not the address! )

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2017 19:05

user1487372252
"Op I can't see why people are being so hard on you."

I can;'t either but maybe it is because:
-people on Mumsnet seem to either be here to defend teachers or moan about them, not sure where the middle ground has gone - HUGE generalization I know Wink
-people often like to pick on the OP in the first couple of pages of AIBU, it seems to be 'a thing'
-maybe people don't really care because it is not their child involved

There will be people who think this is all innocent and maybe it is but surely then everyone could say so nicely, as some do!

I do wish people would stop being mean to women when they are suspicious of men, there are reasons why women are suspicious of men, sometimes unfounded but sometimes founded in fact. The OP wants to work out what the situation is. The shaming of her for doing this is appalling!

Renaissance2017 · 08/03/2017 19:06

I have a first in physics. I am looking to retrain for a new career. I am male. How about teaching?

No thanks. I'm not going to have people like the OP wondering if I'm similar to Ian Huntley.

A few weeks ago I umpired a girls (13 year old) cricket match. I noticed one of the girls bowling had an issue. At that age, if I can help them play better it doesn't hurt to point them in the right direction. Her mum immediately wanted to know what I was discussing with her.

Think I'll stick to adults.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 08/03/2017 19:06

What was the context of the 'favourite' remark?

Asking about family etc is just general chit chat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2017 19:07

Dd came home and told us her teacher has told the class they're better than the other class and her favourite class ever etc etc. I was a bit Hmm when dd told me (she's 8) but it's having the desired effect of making the children think they're special in an innocent way. I'm sure you've had the hands in pants type conversation with your dd. This all sounds quite innocent too. Thankfully these days, we are so aware of paedophilia these that it would be very difficult for responsible adults to act inappropriately. It's great to have your radar switched on. And it's great you checked here instead of real life. Despite what anyone here has said to make you feel like this isn't a safe place, no, I'd not let my guard down to anyone.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:09

There are always people who care more about upsetting men, than about protecting children.
The favourite things is a big no no. You could always mention it to teacher at the school responsible for safeguarding.

DebiNewberry · 08/03/2017 19:09

I'm not sure that I would go straight to 'grooming' but I would possibly have a conversation with the person responsible for safeguarding at the school, re the 'you're my favourite' stuff. He should know that that's not on.

People have all kinds of reasons for being anxious about this kind of thing, I hope you are ok, op. It's ok to talk to your daughter about her body being her own etc - there's some good stuff on the nspcc site, if you want some help with how to talk to her.

SecretsandLies2 · 08/03/2017 19:09

I really think you are being paranoid.

It is so sad that adult males can no longer have any interactions with children without being accused of pedophilia.

BishopBrennansArse · 08/03/2017 19:09

Ooh ooh it's a peedow 'murgenceee fred.....
~grabs popcorn

RebootYourEngine · 08/03/2017 19:09

I think you are over reacting. I volunteer at a childrens group and i asked a child where they lived because their mum was late picking them up and i wanted to know if they had come a long way and were maybe stuck in traffic or had just forgotten about the child.

The best teacher at my ds' old nursery was a male. Everyone thinks he is the best teacher there. The only thing dodgy about him is his new hair style Grin

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