AIBU to suspect my daughter's swimming teacher of grooming

[jobergamot]

Ok, so DD, 8 goes swimming with school. The school has a specialist PE teacher who takes them for swimming. She really likes this teacher, tells me he's funny. He has told my DD that she is 'his favourite' which she thought was lovely. They walked back to school the other day and she was walking with him and he asked her about her family and where she lived.

Of course my alarm bells are going ten to the dozen even when she first mentioned that 'Mr X told me I'm his favourite', I grilled her a bit, does he watch you get changed or anything? But this recent thing where he's asked her who she lives with, and where has got me even more paranoid.

What do you think? AIBU to suspect anything untoward?

I work with teenagers and some of them are like, "Who´s your favourite? Who´s your favourite? It is me? Is it my friend? You must have a favourite. You told me last week I did good work, That must mean I´m your favourite. Hey listen everyone, I´m the teacher´s favourite!"

When they are still doing it at aged 17, I would imagine they are even more keen at a younger age.

So unless you actually know the circumstances in which she was told that she was the favourite, i.e. if he went out of his way to tell her, I´d take it with a huge pinch of salt.

Italiangreyhound

just becohe said to DD that she was his favourite doesn't mean she actually is and he has, as you put it 'taken a sine to her'

He might just have been encouraging her and trying to lighten the activity for all the children by joking that she was his favourite. It also gives other kids a reason to try and excel so they can be told 'Eric did that lap so well he is my new favourite now, well done eric' etc.

The OP might be right and the bloke might be a massive weirdo but I'm giving my opinion which is that it all sounds fairly normal and okay.

The OP sounds quite decided that he is a weirdo anyway so I'm sure the bloke will be suspended and investigated which should put her mind to rest.....or she could calmly keep an eye and ear on the situation knowing that it's all probably ok and not to be too worried.

The "favourite" comment was unprofessional. You are being unreasonable for being "paranoid" (your word), but neither can you ignore the possibility of bad things happening, but that would be the same for male, female, old, young, black, white, Christian, Muslim, French, etc, people. Listen out for other things that might be a concern, but don't assume that all friendly people are bad.

Jesus sorry for my auto corrects

The favourite thing does depend on context.

Your daughter says something clever/makes a great suggestion during swimming class/understands something immediately and the teacher is: "Awesome, Annie. That's why you're my favouite, haha...". Seems innocent to me. probably something he tells many pupils, a way to say "well done".

However, depending on the context I would be worried about that remark, yes.

Just keep an eye on the situation and make sure to continue talking to your daughter.

Renaissance2017 I am very sorry you have been put off teaching and hope your future career will be brilliant and just what you want.

The fact is also that at the moment many, many examples of abuse of children is coming to light, through the church/media/teacging etc and, the vast majority of which seems to be by men. Parents are scared and wary.

My dd had an excellent Year 6 teacher who was male, I thought he was great. I would not have questioned you talking to my dd at a sports match.

Make your own choice about your future, but be aware mum and sad will make their own choices about what is right or not, or potentially risky for their kids. Decades of not thinking the worst could happen may have contributed to it happening for a number of children. Just as i would not want teachers, male or otherwise, scapegoated, I also can't blame parents of being wary.

I work for a. Luv that teaches a sport to kids, the general conversation about family would not bother me, if I found out that one of our coaches make or female had been telling a child they were a favourite I would be concerned, it would be made very clear to the coach that it was not acceptable

Mummyoflittledragon "Despite what anyone here has said to make you feel like this isn't a safe place, no, I'd not let my guard down to anyone." Very true.

brasty "There are always people who care more about upsetting men, than about protecting children." It is so sad that the adult male always ends up getting centred in things.

There are always people who care more about upsetting men, than about protecting children.
The favourite things is a big no no. You could always mention it to teacher at the school responsible for safeguarding.

1. You don't think the school think about protecting the children themselves when the men go through a recruitment process?

1. From the sounds of it. We only have the OPs DDs word that he said favourite. If OP is that concerned, then she should talk to the safeguarding team for them to establish what was said before taking it any further, whilst also being aware of the implications of doing so.

This morning my 8yo DS told his friends we have a Great Dane called Charlie and I have a silver car.
I dont drive and we don't have any pets.

He should not of told her she is is favourite.
That is a no no and anyone who works with children should know it.
As well as the grooming issue it puts them in danger of being accused of favouritism (particularly when competitive sport is involved) and of course it lays them wide open to accusations even when they are totally innocent.

Grilling her was daft. Watching a group of children get changes is hardly grooming is it? Its gone way past that.

I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time. I am not in the least paranoid about child abuse but there is a tendancy on MN to be as laid back and contrary as possible.

Reading some of these responses you would have thought child abuse in sport was an utterly ridiculous notion

It is a sad fact that child abusers will seek out positions of power and influence over children and their parents. Sport clubs have always been a soft target.

This is not about poor male teachers being targeted by shrill women with nothing better to think about. Its about being sensible and mindful.

If you were posting about a mum telling her child to 'Shutttt it!' you would have half of MN telling you follow your gut and report her to SS 'just in case'

If the person had said it innocently they are stupid, and have opened themselves up to suspicion from parents

With all the examples of various degrees of inappropriate behaviour by coaches in so many sports coming to light in recent times, and myself having been the victim of such behaviour by a coach, I would say that the OP is completely justified in feeling uncomfortable about this situation in view of the 'favourite' comment.

OP I would just make sure your DD knows she can tell you about anything that makes her feel uncomfortable with regard to this coach, I would not allow her to be alone with him, and I would also raise the issue of the 'favourite' comment with the person responsible for the coach.

Hope this helps.

I tell each of my DC that they're my favourite!

I don't think that's a good idea, they will find out you are lying to one of them. Unless it is in a "you two are my favourite children in the world" way.

Teachers shouldn't admit to having favourites, it is unprofessional.

The OP wouldn't be thinking about this twice of the teacher were female.

Might have something to do with there being so much, much, much fewer female sex offenders.

It's a Brucie phrase to say 'you're my favourite!' to everyone!

He is not necessarily grooming her, but him saying 'you're my favourite' is a bit odd imo.

If a person's default stance is to be suspicious of men, I hope to God they don't have sons.

through the church/media/teacging etc and, the vast majority of which seems to be by men.

I agree. However, in so many of these situations women have known and didn't do anything/covered it up/actively allowed it. Not trying to start this huge argument but I really think that some people primarily worrying about men may open a new can of worm.

I for example had a bullying, objectifying and verbally abusive teacher that crossed many very persoan boundaries (like the bodily integrity of us, her pupils). She was female. And whilst I'm not saying what she did was as bad as sexual abuse... it was pretty horrible. Not that people thought to think of "bad things" back then...

The thought of people being primarily vigilant where men are concerned is imo scary. I think parents should aways be vigilant.

So, anybody making the OP feel bad for this? I think that's really shameful behaviour!!

Watching a group of children get changes is hardly grooming is it? Its gone way past that.

Where did he watch them get changed?

Foxysoxy "Italiangreyhound

just becohe said to DD that she was his favourite doesn't mean she actually is and he has, as you put it 'taken a sine to her'"

OK, so she is not his favourite then, why say it? Whether she is or is not his favourite or whether he has or had not taken a shine to her, I would not expect a teacher male or female to tell a child they are their favourite student, it is unprofessional whether it is true or not.

The taking a shine to my child was in relation to a fictitious female teacher to show that my feelings in this are not about whether the teacher is male or female, not to suggest that this was the case for the OP's child.

"He might just have been encouraging her and trying to lighten the activity for all the children by joking that she was his favourite. It also gives other kids a reason to try and excel so they can be told 'Eric did that lap so well he is my new favourite now, well done eric' etc." I would say this was a very unprofessional and not a very 'modern' approach to teaching.

The normal way I would expect teachers to encourage children would be where all children should be valued for their own input and their own effort, not in relation to how they out perform each other.

"The OP might be right and the bloke might be a massive weirdo but I'm giving my opinion which is that it all sounds fairly normal and okay." Of course and you are 100% entitled to that, I just felt that the idea it was some kind of safeguarding wasn't very realistic and I would be surprised if this was expected from a teacher teaching sports (it might be from the form teacher or class teacher who sees the kids each day).

OP

i'm not even reading the thread to know you'll get torn apart here. Mumsnet manages to hold the bizarre belief that all men are abusers of adult women (no evidence required) but that no men are ever child abusers. It's a weird anti-daily mail thing where people think it's "right on" to shout this stuff down.

Bear in mind that mumsnet was originally pro jimmy saville and against project yewtree. Pretty much all cases of historic child abuse on mumsnet were originally classed as "a witchhunt" and "anti male". People loved to bring up the "paedophile" "paediatrician" thing as a way to feel smug until all the evidence came out. Oops.

Again, you can get your DH declared as an abuser for simply sighing too loudly in your direction.

So just to support you: a teacher singling one student out as his favorite is completely unacceptable. It's bad practice, shows bad judgment, is unfair to other students and is definitely a warning sign for grooming. There is absolutely no fucking way that this teacher (a PE teacher for god's sake) doesn't know this because this guy would have gone through huge amounts of safeguarding training. I would definitely keep a watchful eye open at least.

Sorry for all the abuse you're about to get but seriously, fuck political correctness! Those poor parents in Rotherham followed political correct bullshit and where did it get them? Your daughter is lucky to have a switched on caring mum like you. Forget trying to seem "progressive" and shit and just do right by your kids.

I think you're right to be cautious and the teacher was being unprofessional at the very least.

MN always shocks me at how teachers are regularly deemed to be worthy of sainthood, a person who was grooming a child would prey on exactly this parental naivety.

"OP, trust your gut, in this as in everything else"

Well, so long as it's processing food you're talking about- that's what guts are good at. Processing information? I'd say that the brain was the "go to organ then........

Foxysoxy I was not having a go, I was just discussing..

If he was a she would you think she was grooming? Wow he probably tells everyone that !!

Saying that she is his favourite probably isn't advisable as it opens him up to being accused of treating some kids better than other kids. Talking about her life and where she lives isn't a reason for concern IMO. I always ask the kids in my class questions about themselves for various reasons but mainly because it makes them feel like I care about them (which I do). Kids want to be heard, plus there is a lot to be gained as a teacher by getting to know each child. Not to mention it opens up a pathway of trust between teacher and child so that if the child had concerns about anything they know the teacher is someone who will listen to them.