To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

[dogdayafternoons]

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

Thing is, there's not much competition. Most of male cabin crew are gay. There are lots of young beautiful female. Beautiful location. Everybody getting drunk. Beautiful hotel room for each is provided.

I agree with Laiste:
I'm very on the fence about all this 'youth trumps everything else' type stuff. He wants kids. He's found a woman he loves who's willing to go through IVF with him to get that - but is running out of time due to her age. Maybe he should be counting his blessings and not running after a 'dream job' right now?

Flippin heck, the number of comments about the age gap! Many, many posters on MN blithely mention that "DH" is 12 years older, 15 years older. This guy might be a decade younger than OP, but they are both adults.
I don't know about some of you, but it's perfectly normal to plan parenthood in your 20s where I live!? He's not 17 is he?
So, she would be "thwarting his dream! and "dragging him to counselling".. not to mention "if you hold him back he will resent you". (you evil dried up old witch)
No. He's an adult who has plans to get married and have a child. Maybe working for an airline will work out, maybe not, but I think that if having a family is part of his plan then he cant just assume he can skip out of the majority of the drudgery, routine an commitment. The fact that he is considering doing just that is not an age thing, its a man thing, as endless posts on MN about hubby dumping the wife work and working insane hours show quite clearly.
I also think counselling is a good idea in most relationships, and not necessarily a bad thing, or a red flag.
Maybe he wont be the right man in the end, but God, the number of posters ready to assume its all her infertility problem and he doesn't really want to get married (he's sooo young ) and he must be cocklodging for the free flat, because what man in their 20s would stoop to settling for a woman a few years older. (!!!)
Good luck with the IVF OP, and remember; it could be a while before a baby arrives, he may get the job and decide after a year its not for him. There are any number of variables really so try not to panic. Also, maybe start refusing to "make everything happen" and let him take on some of the burden. Ultimately, you get whatever you settle for.

Obviously, that doesn't mean everyone cheats!

YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted to start a family with somebody who was away from home for long periods of time.

I don't know anybody who works as cabin crew, but I do know a lot of forces families. The women I know in that situation seem to get the shitty end of the stick a lot of the time (and acknowledge this themselves). For a lot of them their lifestyles don't seem to have moved on from the 1950's with them taking the brunt of all the childcare and household chores, and not having much time or opportunity to do anything else. That's without the whole 'what goes on tour stays on tour' macho bollocks which is another subject entirely...

Anyway, my point is, I'm sure some people make it work but I wanted to have children to be a partnership with my DH, and for us to do it together. I wouldn't have wanted him to miss large parts of it any more than he would have wanted me to. If you're not happy with the idea and it doesn't fit with how you see your future, and he won't acknowledge that, then you have a fundemental problem with your relationship IMO.

It may take a very long time for you to get pregnant (it took us five years to have our first child), so I really wouldn't make decisions based on a future baby. It's possible he could be doing the job for years and be ready for a change by the time you have a baby.

Tricky though isn't it because their desires are compatible - but with what sacrifice to whom and for how long?

''Giving up your life for a relationship'' is a phrase which could apply to both of them. He gives up his life [job] for her, or she gives up her life [baby] for him?

Relationship counselling isn't a punishment or something that people only do if they're in bad relationships that are doomed to fail. Many couples benefit from relationship counselling and they're stronger as a result.

Agreed.

Lots of my friends in super strong relationships have had couples therapy - often there hasn't been great relationships modeled to them by their parents and they had a desire to do better. Relationship therapy can help you head of situations that could grown into horrible resentment and give you useful tools to work through times where there may be conflict/different priorities.

he cant just assume he can skip out of the majority of the drudgery, routine an commitmentIt may take a very long time for you to get pregnant (it took us five years to have our first child), so I really wouldn't make decisions based on a future baby.

But who wants a relationship where one party has to give up on what they want so that the other one can have what they want ? No partner is worth that!

In ten years' time, if it doesn't work out, he is going to be resentful or you are so what's the point?9

I don't agree with the comments about 'too much temptation' - if you're inclined to cheat, then temptation is everywhere, surely?

Nah Jess, humans are creatures of opportunity. Obviously some people are more inclined to cheat, and some will actively seek it, but most won;t think about cheating until they are in regular close proximity with some one attractive and there's flirting...I think that's more likely to happen with airline crew, and also armed forces and police, because there is an added intensity of being in dangerous situations together.
I basically trust my DP not to cheat, or go looking for opportunities, but I don't 100% trust anyone in situations where there is constant opportunity and very little chance of being caught. Maybe I'm very cynical!

And I know some people would give up on what they want willingly, and that's fine but it's clear that neither of the people in the OP's relationship are in that position. Someone will have to be prepared to give up on their dream.

not to mention "if you hold him back he will resent you". (you evil dried up old witch)
I said that and stand by it. The same way OP would resent him if she didn't have a child. Why should he give up his ambition to achieve hers? Why should she give up her ambition to achieve his? It's all doable, but give has to happen on both sides or they need to walk away from each other.

I focus on DP's career right now and facilitate that but steps are in place for the tables to turn and he is going to support me whilst I achieve my dreams. It's what good couples do, support each other to achieve their goals. Maybe he puts off the cabin crew for a few years, but if working away is a deal breaker for the OP then she should walk away if he is serious about it as it won't end well.

Yes Cromwell1536

My dp has an office based job. He works for a company that sends him off 10 days to 2 weeks every month. In the time he has been doing this job we have had 2 children and I would have never thought of stopping him going. It certainly never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to cope.

I personally think you are focussing on the wrong part of your life. The rent free flat is fro what I gather not exactly rent free if you are having to work to keep it.

Depending if your dp gets the job would it be more sensible to move out to Gatwick or Heathrow area (friend worked out of Heathrow but lived way out.) and get either a couple of part time jobs like you have now or a fulltime job.

Don't do what a few people I have come across have done which is to be blinded by cheap rent and 30 years later your life has not moved on.

As I have said I only know one family who have a father who is cabin crew. Whilst the basic salary might be quite low the extra stuff more than makes up for it. On a holiday he would work there and back. The kids were left in economy and his wife flew 1st class to a south American country for I think it was £40 return and they stayed in a heavily discounted hotel.

Whilst he might have been gone for a couple of nights at most he was certainly never away for anything like 7 days. Not too sure where you get that from.

now Completely agree. Why is it still such an issue when the woman is the older one in a relationship but not a problem when the man is? I've read some ridiculous comments regarding this on MN, the usual one being that older men need younger women because they are more fertile. But by that reasoning, you can also argue that a woman in her late thirties would equally be more attracted to a younger, more fertile man (except the irony in this case is that he isn't). It's really weird. No one would claim a forty year old man was 'holding back' a twenty something woman purely because of his age.

As you've said OP it's early days on both counts. I'd try not to worry about how compatible these two things are at this stage.
I'd have given a different answer if you were pregnant / if he had a job offer on the table. He may well be thinking along these lines too.
Have you talked it over properly?

Wishing you well.

No one would claim a forty year old man was 'holding back' a twenty something woman purely because of his age.

I'm pretty sure they would on here! Wasting her fertile years and all that.

Oliversmumsarmy, when I used to work for airline, there was 5 nights 7 days trip to Carribbean.
It all depend on contract and the airline's destination and schedules.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.Lots of people combine working as cabin crew (and other jobs with unconventional hours) successfully with being a parent

I agree. However they all have a partner or family member or employee who does the vast majority of parenting and homework and Wifework, which allows them to pursue their dream job / career / build their own business / explore the Artic/ fly round the world.

Which is great if your mother / partner is willing to live like that to support your dream. Either because it fits with their dream or they think it's worth it financially.

Or if you have good staff and the wages to pay and treat them well.

The OPs partner has neither. His partner doesn't want to do it all and he can't afford staff. The job doesn't earn good money, it's not a step on a lucrative career ladder and it's not short term pain for long term gain ( like that two year job in Dubai that will allow you to be mortgage free ) .

The Op doesn't want that. She wants him to be around and help her care for their baby.

They are completely incompatible in this area, regardless of how sweet they are together. They want different things out of life.

And she's desperate because she ( wrongly ) thinks that she has no options because of her age.

Ive been cabin crew for years and years. I can't think of any airlines based in the UK that pay anywhere near £25k. You don't have to live in London, I'm based at a London airport but live 200miles away. Not everyone is shagging, despite the glorious (sometimes!)) locations. My ex fiancé cheated on me while I was away on trips, it turned into an affair, so he had more opportunity than I did..

Flying is great practice for having kids, staying awake all night, no routine etc! Lots of people that fly are parents. It has plus points and bad points. Lots of time off, children that see the things their friends only read about (my stepson saw the pyramids and the Great Wall of China when they were learning about it at school..). Children have great relationships with the other parent and are a little less upset on going to school and saying bye - they're used to it. We have time off mid week, probably more time off than a normal job (although that's changing for new recruits). Flip side, you miss Xmas frequently, weddings, birthdays, funerals..

I'd give him a chance. He may not get it. He may not like it. It's not a forever contract. He can leave if you get pregnant and are struggling. You might like it - cheap flights around the world.. It will show you any cracks in your relationship.

Plenty of people have jobs which take them away for weeks on end.

I have one school mum friend who is away 2 weeks a month and her DH covers the gaps, she does the same when he travels, neither are resentful of the other. It takes planning and give/take but they manage it.

Another school mum friend is cabin crew, her DH is a pilot. They align their shifts to avoid them both being away at the same time frequently and are both on short haul routes so are not away from home for days on end. She gets weeks off at a time. Her work life balance is way better than my mostly home based allegedly 9-5 job. As is her husband's.

YANBU to feel how you do. If I were you, I'd probably let him have his dream job; however, with the understanding that if you do struggle when the baby arrives, he needs to quit as his family should be his highest priority. Talk to him and make him commit to this promise.

Hi there, despite your fears and concerns, Cabin Crew is a brilliant job for a parent who wants to be hands on. Lots of time off during the week, loads of discounted travel and free flights. having been Cabin Crew at BA for 10 years I can understand perfectly his desire to do the job. Its brilliant MUCH better than an office job. You should let him give it a shot, he won't look back! The pay depends on the routes you do... depends which airline. I was on about 25k when I left. You can go on trips with him as a clingon.
Its a brilliant career he will make fab friends and be so happy. Lots of perks too. He will gte paternity leave too. The airlines are fab to work for if your a parent. Loads of parttime possibilities. Come on let him go for it !!!

In my day, many a teenage girl dreamed of being an 'air hostess' it sounded so glamorous, and in the 80s quite a few of my nursing colleagues left to join the fledgling Middle East airlines for far more money, but just as hard work.

I have to say never heard of it being a man's dream job - perfectly reasonable job to have but a dream job? Even if you do love airplanes.

Have you had an IVF cycle already?
Because there is no way you can do that AND be travelling around.
The time when the egg collection will happen will be decided at the last minute and obviously he will need to be there to give his sperm.
So he is looking for a new job, that will involve travelling at the very time when he will need to be with you at short notice... somehow I can't see that working TBH.

On that POV, YANBU.
Plus of course, it does mean you will be much more on your own with a baby etc... MY own DH did that and it was clearly an avoidance tactic, even if subconscious.