To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

[dogdayafternoons]

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

And, oh god, massive warning signs if you want relationship counselling at this point! Honestly, if you think that's a solution, and you're fed up with being the organised one, then whatever you say about him being the light of your life, your deeds and feelings aren't bearing that out. If he really is the light of your life, and this wobble is just that, then don't start moaning and dragging him off to relationship counselling. Big girl pants on and get on with it. I know plenty of families (including one where husband is a long-haul pilot) where mother or father is lead parent and other parent is away a lot for work, and they are absolutely fine and happy. Enormous mutual respect for the contribution each makes and a desire for the other to be as contented as possible makes it all work. Good luck.

DH does a job with a long commute and quite a bit of international travel too.

I actually find it easier to manage when he's not around as DS and I have a little routine of our own.

When he's here I have to cook 2 dinners every evening. The dinner, bath, bed, dinner routine takes me about 3 hours.

Much prefer eating with DS and then having a few hours to chill!

If his motivation is aviation, rather than serving passengers, he will soon be bored.
DP has flown with same company for 25+ years. In that time, he's seen so many crew leave for the higher pay and more glamorous lifestyle of big international airlines often based abroad. Then as soon as children come along, they return to his UK based airline where they can generally come home to their own bed every night. I'd say 90% of DP's shifts do not involve night stops.
On a different note, OP, it sounds like your DP has not actually recieived a specific job offer, but rather, got through the initial stages and is now in a holding pool? If so, he could be waiting there for ages (years even). I think it could be worth you looking at the cabin crew section on the pprune website.

Lots of misconceptions about flying as a career on this thread.

"I am sure there is some fucking around (pilots mostly)" - I'm sure there isn't (airline pilot of nearly 2 decades here.) There are about 20000 pilots and cabin crew in the airline I work for, and as with any other workplace you get 'office romances,' and because you are all in a hotel together it is more obviously when it happens. But the rest of us are not running round like sex-crazed beasts looking for a shag at any opportunity. And yes, as with any population of 20000 there is always someone, as you so succinctly put it, fucking around. But we all know who the individual is when it happens and it is as shocking to the rest of us as it would be if they were in any other career.

Not all male cabin crew are gay. There are lots of gay cc, but increasingly the newer generation are more likely to be straight.

It doesn't pay well, but the perks and lifestyle are good. It is very much dependent on the airline though.

OP, how the job pans out does depend very much on whether this is a job for a LH or SH position. If it is with BA Mixed Fleet, it will be a mix of both. Many of my colleagues, both flight crew and cabin crew, live all over the place - you are not just confined to living in London. If you think about it, if you are only driving into work once a week it doesn't really matter if you live an hour's drive away, or 2-3hrs away, or even a flight away! (Many of my colleagues fly in from Spain, France, etc for work using their staff travel tickets.) As far as jobs go, it is one that has minimal impact on your home life when you are at home. There isn't really any part of the job you can bring home with you - once you walk through the door and take off the uniform there are no calls to make, reports to write, emails to answer, etc.

The majority of my flight and cabin crew colleagues have families at home and many of them have children. You need to take a different approach to the idea of how to juggle a family and the job, but it is very, very doable. I wouldn't be getting so upset about it - he hasn't actually got the job yet.

I've read the thread and sorry if i've missed it, but what will happen about the flat which comes with your job if you're going to be staying home with the baby OP? Or decide you'd like to?

fgs the people excusing his lack of organising because of his age, and telling the OP she should put up and shut up because she's lucky to have a man who may swan into her and any DCs' lives occasionally.

OP going to counselling when you're happy is actually a good place to start. If you both love each other then you can make this work. But you can't make it work with you shouldering the burden of his dreams and him resenting you for standing in his way. If you want this relationship to last, you need to learn how to communicate and compromise. But you also need to be prepared to walk away, if it doesn't make you happy. It doesn't matter if posters on here would happily have a DP who works away. It only matters if you'd be happy with it.

You've definitely posted about this before OP now that I've read the part time flat bit.

"don't start moaning and dragging him off to relationship counselling"

Relationship counselling isn't a punishment or something that people only do if they're in bad relationships that are doomed to fail. Many couples benefit from relationship counselling and they're stronger as a result.

Or the OP could follow your wise advice to "put up and shut up" and be resentful and unhappy...

Also i'd be interested to know the age gap. I know you've said 20s and late 30s, but him 21 and you 39 (so nearly 20 years gap) is different to him 29 and you ... 36, for eg. (7 years gap).

I echo a pp who said can given his age, can you look at this as you both persuing a dream? You the baby, he the job?

You've definitely posted about this before OP now that I've read the part time flat bit.

The flat part seemed familiar to me too.

I agree with those who say that if it were the other way round no one would be advising someone to compromise on their dreams.

When I was in my 20s I was rattling around working abroad etc etc and would have felt terribly stifled if I had had an older partner who had wanted to start a family and clip my wings. You are at different life stages and failure to appreciate that will lead to resentment. The IVF business is just the icing on the top of the life stages incompatibility cake.

Also, my dh is not anything to do with airline or cabin crew, and he is never in for dinner on the dot of six! In fact, unless you're in an absolutely regular 9-5 job that dinner is going to have to be re-heated in the microwave every so often.

Yanbu. This is not a job compatible with starting a family.

If he is only in his 20s and has always been clear about this being one of his goals then you either accept this might happen or you find someone different for a relationship. I agree with another poster about careers often lasting longer than relationships and if he was my son Id encourage him to go for the career and have a relationship with someone younger less keen on imminent parenthood.

''The IVF business is just the icing on the top of the life stages incompatibility cake.''

The fertility issues resulting in the need for IVF are HIS though rhoda. So that's his life long issue not a life stage issue.

I'm very on the fence about all this 'youth trumps everything else' type stuff. He wants kids. He's found a woman he loves who's willing to go through IVF with him to get that - but is running out of time due to her age. Maybe he should be counting his blessings and not running after a 'dream job' right now?

When did using the words 'following your dream' mean that you could stop thinking about bills, accommodation, family commitments? Is it related to all the Pop Idol, Britain's Got Talent programmes telling people that manufactured 'dreams' are the focus of life?
People balance their dreams with their commitments all the time. Arguably, that's what separates adults from children.

Agree that you need to think about whole approach.

Very few people are home for dinner at six. Many, many jobs involve shifts, travel, irregular hours etc. So you need to assume that is the norm.

This is a job which he wants to do. That is a massive thing. Ok, might not be the glamorous life he imagines but he actually wants to do it.

The travel perks are fantastic for the family and potentially worth thousands.

What softly says is very true. The baby stage is very short, lots of couples have a family while juggling long hours/working away/shifts ect and get through it, and the traveling perks would be lovely - taking the child traveling together ect.

I'm so on the fence i've got splinters up my arse so i'll bugger off now

I think danny makes a good point. It obviously depends on the relationship, but I have a friend whose husband works for the Royal Navy. She has said that, while initially, she struggled with his time away, she actually quite enjoys it now and it means the time they DO spend together is more precious. When you're 'all touched out' from being with a baby/toddler all day, you might appreciate an evening or two to yourself.

Yes, but your 20s are likely to be responsibility-free and so is a time when you can pursue dreams, even if they are a bit pie in the sky or downright daft. And the guy wants to be cabin crew, not a pop star.

It sounds like your desperation for a baby is overriding everything. You can't stop him following his dream and if your dream clashes with that then you need to go your separate ways

I used to be a cabin crew and agree, it's not a great job for married man. Too much temptation.
That said, it's great thing for a family. Lots of free flights and days off.
Airline discount at shops and hotels.
Official pay isn't great, but you always get allowances(spending money) abroad, which was about same amount or even more in total than actual pay for a month at home.

I don't disagree about pursuing a dream career. I just don't understand why OP's partner is allowed to try to have it all (marriage on his terms, child, living in OP's subsidised accommodation and a dream career) but OP has to sacrifice her career, where she wants to live and the type of family relationship that she wants. That's so unbalanced that it can only tip into resentment.
I don't know any man who is enough of a prize to balance all those losses. And I know some fine men but, when their family lives became incompatible with flying off at a moment's notice to a far-flung destination, they didn't tell their DPs to suck it up. They moved posts. They changed assignments because it wasn't just their DW's job to make their families work as an unit.

I don't agree with the comments about 'too much temptation' - if you're inclined to cheat, then temptation is everywhere, surely?

I see two people with dream goals.
Couples who are cabin crew + parents can make it work.
He hasn't got this job yet but you foresee major hassles.
You weren't expecting him to seek this job.
For you, it doesn't fit in with prospective fatherhood. Maybe he's not the Yes man you expected him to be if you're used to taking charge.

If you feel his priorities are wrong before you even start a baby then you were right to say something. He listened but is still applying.

If he gets it don't be fooled into thinking it's just a career detour for a couple of years, just to get it out of his system. In spite of not paying well and pure sleep becoming the holy grail it can be addictive so be prepared for him to revel in it.
(That isn't code for shagging around btw).

He's 'allowed to' want it - just as the OP is allowed to be desperate for a baby.

If their desires aren't compatible then they are both better off splitting up - giving your life up for a relationship is incredibly short sighted. And if people are talking about relationship counselling at this stage then it's really not worth it.