To talk to FIL about his partner not being our DS's Granny....

[Writerwannabe83]

Almost three years ago my MIL died very unexpectedly when DS was 4 months old. Throughout the pregnancy she had been so excited as she so desperately wanted a grandchild but due to her being unwell she only ever got to hold him once before she died. DH understandably took her death very badly and I know it breaks his heart that she never got to be in DS's life and it kills him that DS will grow up never knowing who his Grandma was (he's now almost three).

About four months after MIL had died our FIL came round and announced that he had met someone - my DH was very upset about this as it felt as though hardly any time had passed since his mother's death and he actually walked out of the room because he didn't know what to do or say.

My FIL has now been with this woman for 2.5 years and my DH has only met her once (and even that occasion was an accident) and he does not wish to get to know her. I think the fact she came on the scene so close to his mother's death has caused him to put up a brick wall and I think he's angry with his dad and deflects this on to the woman. I have met her plenty of times and she seems very pleasant but DH and I never really talk about her, she just generally isn't mentioned. FIL never makes reference to her when my DH is around.

Anyhow - yesterday my FIL looked after DS for me for a few hours and his partner was there too which is obviously fine. However, when DS came back he started referring to FIL's partner as 'Granny' and when he did it for the first time it really stung DH. DH later said to me that the woman isn't DS's Granny and he was really upset to hear it come out of DS's mouth.

We don't know whether FIL is referring to this woman as being our DS's Granny, or whether the woman herself is doing it, but either way my DH is finding it hard to make sense of. He's adamant his dad would never allow another woman to refer to herself as 'granny' (out of loyalty to his past wife) but I'm not so sure.

DH has said that if DS is being told by either FIL or the other woman that she is 'granny' then that's it, he won't let FIL look after DS anymore. He said he won't have DS growing up thinking FIL's partner is his Granny as his mum will always have that title. I think DH feels like his mum's role is trying to replaced as that's how he felt when FIL started dating again so soon.

I feel like I need to say something to FIL because it's really upsetting DH but I don't know what? I can just see this snowballing and I don't want it to create even more family division.

The arrival of a new partner after a reasonable time of loss (by death or divorce) may well also be seen as a happy occasion too. But a few months, or in the case of one poor poster, days, after the loss of a loved one I doubt many adult children would be ready to welcome a new person into the life of a parent

I have a step father, I actually like him far more than I like my own mother.
I am incredibly pleased that she has him in her life I have every reason to believe that if she had not met and married him when I was 16 she would more than likely have trodden a very different and unplesant path in life. He prevents her worst traits and as such protects the rest of humanity from her vile nonsence.
He is kind, dependable,honest,helpful,and as far as I'm concerned one of the people I aspire to be like, I may even go as far as to say I love him.

None of that changes the fact that he is not my parent nor is he a parent figure and he is not my childrens grandfather.

Thankfully his own happiness is not based on a ridiculous illusion that rewrites history but I strongly suspect that that is one of the things that contributes towards his over all decency.

Your DH is not being unreasonable or unkind. He is entitled to his feelings. No one has the right to tell him how to grieve.

He's not stopping his father living his life how he sees fit. Therefore no one should stop DH doing the same.

If he chooses never to see this woman or use granny thats his choice.

I would hazard a guess that most of the posters who are calling OP's DH 'selfish' and saying he needs to get over himself have not experienced the loss of a parent themselves.

Wrong. My father died a year ago this month. If my mom were already dating someone, that would be her business and I'd be happy with anything that made her happy. If she felt strongly enough about someone that my daughter came home calling him Grandpa, then he's grandpa. I'd object to my Dad's grandparent name being re-used, but the actual position is currently vacant and able to be filled...

I can well believe DH was shocked by his father revealing he'd met someone new as soon as he did. Having lost both my parents I can see it felt way too soon.

Two and half years' later they aren't living together. Not quite the insensitive rush the intial meeting suggested? FIL curbs the impulse to refer to her whenever talking to DH to enable contact. Consequently DH has kept up a relationship with FIL and enjoys attending sporting events regularly but has barely seen his father's partner.

And you have met her and get along on a superficial level and weren't fazed by her helping FIL to look after DS.

DH thinks she usurped his mother's role. I do wonder just when it would have felt acceptable for FIL to reach out to someone. I doubt he knows what the PILs ever discussed regarding the possibility of one outliving the other. I do hear of widowers very often settling down with a new partner within a relatively short time.
You and DH had your hands full with DS. This woman stepped into a void. How would she replace MIL?

DH never gave her a chance. He does want FIL to be happy - only not with her - and I'm sorry but he cherry picks family contact to his satisfaction.

Teaching FIL some kind of lesson by denying contact would be to deprive DS of the grandparent he already knows and another adult who would give extra love and support.

I dont see why so many posters believe this woman needs to have a "name" its strange, They arent living together, They arent married, they have only been together 2.5 years and she barely knows the child as stated by the op.
Its ridiculous to assume it will be for the childs benefit, Its a NAME, Yes all great that its best for kids to have all the more people to love them but not having the name granny wouldnt stop someone from doing so.
The ops dh feelings are important you cant just call someone selfish for having feelings on their dead mother its appauling, he hasnt stopped his Dads relationship he just isnt ready to be involved with her.
Loosing a parent can be very emotionally tramatic, I have to say watching my Dad die in front of me was horrific and if someone told me I should just get over it and was selfish because I didnt want a stranger to my child being called grandad I would say they were the one displaying disgusting behaviour!

Boney, I think the problem here is the speed with which fil did this. It didn't give his son time to adjust. I think if he had met his new partner later on, the son might have been more accepting, but in his shoes I would feel my dad had been disloyal to my mum, I would wonder how much he had really loved her and I would be angry at her being 'replaced'. It would damage my relationship with my dad because I would feel he had been disloyal.

The dad being honest from day one is not necessarily a good thing because the message his son hears is 'I'm over the death of your mum, I don't care how you feel, deal with it!'

Truthfully, I don't think 4 months is any time at all and I don't get how the dil could even think about seeing someone else so soon but he needs to understand that while he is getting something out of the new relationship, his son is not. It is just another thing imposed on him.

All that aside, I do consider it to be upto parents whether someone who isn't family gets to be called granny and fulfil that role to their children. Fil has crassly and selfishly taken it upon himself to decide that on his son's behalf, which is inappropriate and once again takes no account of his son's feelings. Quite apart from anytging else they are not married and don't live together. Grannies are special - to this child she should just be grandads friend.

I absolutely disagree with your husbands approach here. He has no right to be so thoughtless with regards to his fathers happiness. It was his mother - yes but it was his fathers wife a totally different dynamic.

He doesn't know what it's like to lose a wife, a parent - yes

He is being utterly selfish in not moving on from the past and he is being passive aggressive towards his father.

Smooth over the fact he called her granny. When love and warmth are offered to your child and you deny them that to appease your own inner self then it's quite obvious who is being unreasonable

Just because he dated someone it does not mean he was over his wife - she may have been supporting him.

You don't get over a death in four months you are still adjusting in that time.

You can't go around telling people how to grieve or how they should live their lives when their wife has died or punish them for not doing it in a manner you approve

Plenty of selfish ideas on this thread. A person moving on after the death of a loved one should be their choice to make and free of judgement.

To you a parent is irreplaceable I get that but partners are a different thing all together. Fact

It did not mean he thought any less of your mother, she may well tell him to find someone etc

Ultimately your DHs stance is not going to enhance anyone's life in anyway.
If he continues to refuse to acknowledge his DF's partner his relationship with his DF will suffer
If he stops your son seeing his grandfather then your son will suffer.
If he accepts that his father is entitled to a relationship without his say so then it will all enhance EVERYONES life including his own.

Refusing to accept relationships happen after death when most commonly after extremely happy marriages they happen quickly- there is no fear attached only positive feelings where the relationship has been good and no need for a 'once bitten twice shy' approach.

Sadly your DH needs to realise that 'blaming' this poor lady for existing will NOT bring his DM back.

I have a step father . My DF died before mine were born . My relationship with my DSF is quite different from my Dcs - who have only ever known him as Grandad George. Whereas they are well aware of 'Grandpa'. who has been kept alive in memory by me .

For people saying that they aren't even married, could the son have anything to do with it?

I'll also ask something else. In those four months, how much support did your OH give his dad?

My dh lost his mum very suddenly and like the OP his dad moved on pretty quickly. It made grieving for his mum much harder I think and damaged the relationship between his dad and all his children. Of course they didn't want him to be alone and lonely, but they had hardly any time to adjust to losing their mum and then effectively they lost pretty much lost their dad too because his new relationship changed him. They didn't really have the time to adjust to 'dad without mum' before they had 'dad with new and unfamiliar woman' to grow accustomed to and it was very hard.

FILs partner is quite nice, but she isn't a mother to dh and she isn't a granny to our children. She's FIL's partner. She makes him happy and that's great, but her presence has damaged the family. Not her fault but sad all the same, and not for dh and my SILs to fix really.

The OP's son has lost his grandma and that's sad. She's not replaceable however. FILs girlfriend, or even wife if things work out for them in the long term is a new person, much more like an in law really to an adult child, and goodness knows we are not required to love our ILs!

My DM passed away 18 months ago, suddenly and we were/all devastated.

DF was introduced to a lady 9 months ago and they have become firm friends (we suspect more but that's between them and none of our business)

We struggled with it for a while, thought it was too soon/disrespectful to DM etc, but you know what, DF is happy, they go on holidays together, days out etc and enjoy each other's company and I'd rather have a happy DF than the broken DF I had after DM died. It is difficult to see her where DM should be and to be fair to DF he keeps us and her separate. To us, she's a very pleasant lady and she serves a purpose in that she keeps DF occupied, so as difficult as it is we do accept her for the sake of our DF.

I call my step grandmother by her first name. She was married to my grandfather before I was born. My grandmother died before my older sister was born in fact. But we never thought it was weird to call her by her name. I consider her my grandmother.

I'm surprised that so many people don't sympathise with your DH. I do. I think this would be incredibly hurtful, especially against the background that to your DH suggests his mum was so easily replaced at a time when he just became a father himself. I don't agree she gets the title 'Granny' and think it's reasonable that your DH speaks to his dad and says it's too hard for him. She can be called by her first name. Maybe later it's Granny First Name but that would come in time.

These women do not want to be anyone's mother though. They simply want to meet a man and be happy. They do not want to replace your mother.

my mother's husband is not, and can never be, my dad.

therefore he is not my children's grandfather.
therefore he gets referred to by his first name.

my father may be long dead but he still gets the title.
no-one finds this odd.

I'm on your husband's side, OP. the woman is not your child's grandmother.

however, your husband has to accept this woman's relationship with his father does exist and deal with it

Nooka - the woman's presence has damaged the family?? Are you for real

More like you have all done the damage yourselves by refusing to grasp that life goes on and that this woman should not be given as the reason as to why the family is now damaged!

I always think that those who have a great capacity to love will always find someone to love.

I think it is incredibly sad that your DH cannot accept his father's partner.

What on earth happens at Christmas?

Quite the dynamics of a family change though, when you add someone new to the mix. If the dc feel that the woman's presence has changed their dad or if they weren't in the right place emotionally to deal with her being in their mum's place then that will damage the family. It isn't the new partner's fault but the widower has to understand that for his dc this is hard and be protective of them, not expecting his new dp to just slot right in to the family dynamic because that is attempting to replace the mother in the eyes of the dc

This is an awful situation, ultimately I understand your DH's position more than your FIL's. This woman is not your child's granny, neither by genetics or an earned title through her place in your lives. I would feel the same in DH's position tbh. FIL moved on very quickly and I can completely understand why that has upset DH.

FIL has been insensitive if the motivation for this granny silliness has come from him. If it's his girlfriend who has initiated the title then she's massively overstepping the mark. Either way, a quiet word with them is in order to put a stop to this.

I do think some counselling for your DH might be a good idea regardless. He's got every right to feel the way he does and I certainly don't blame him for it but he perhaps does need to consider the future.

QuiteLikely, yes it has. It's not her fault of course, but it has permanently changed their dynamics. Of course that was bound to happen simply because of MIL dying, but grief needs time, and bringing in a new person very quickly in a way that feels that your mum was perhaps a bit disposable doesn't help. dh and his sisters are nice to her, she is a pleasant lady but they don't get to spend any time just with their dad and he is a different person with her (not I think that unusual either). They are all a bit sad about it, and it's been many years now.

It doesn't have to be that way. I know other families where a parent has remarried and their spouse has become a real part of the family, but not with such a short time gap.

My DH went through a similar thing - he realised at his mother's funeral that his dad was already seeing someone else. It hurt for lots of reasons, some reasonable, some not.

1. DH's dad was supposed to spend a bit of time grieving - it's called respect. Watching FIL be so happy within weeks of MILS death was awful.
2. Being told by FIL that he feels like he is 17 again and in love only 6 weeks after MILs death was a bit insensitive.
3. DH was left alone in his grief as his dad was having such a fantastic time.
4. Being able to replace MIL so quickly meant that his parent's relationship can't have been that special.
5. Expecting the kids to sit round a table with the new girlfriend only weeks after their grandma's death (DC were 11 and 8) was insane. They were both distraught.

It split the family up and it has never recovered. My DH would feel exactly as your DH does - utterly loyal to MIL.

The insensitive way FIL and his now wife behaved completely tainted our view of them and their relationship.

Children can have more than one grandparent. It's not stealing grandmother's title for this perfectly nice woman to be granny.

I think it sounds horrible, selfish, jealous and mean spirited for OP's husband to refuse to get to know this woman, and to deprive his son of a loving parent while teaching him to kiss a gravestone. That's macabre.

OP your husband needs therapy (awaits the inevitable "oh he'd never do that") and to decide on a plan for managing how to get to know his dad's partner.

This situation is ridiculous and it shouldn't go on any longer. DH is entitled to his grief but not to to punish his father and his son because of it.

I don't think your husband is unreasonable. I think it's probably only made things worse and driven more of a wedge that she looks just like his mother. Seeing a stranger who looks just like his mum with his dad, in his parents house with them asking to be granny.. that is a head Fuck in itself.

His dad moved on so quick that his son is probably questioning his love alongside his own grief. Then for fil to have replaced her with an imitation physical appearance is telling for the fil grief but a mind Fuck in itself.

Do you think if she'd looked completely different to your dhs mum things may not have been so hard op? He's obviously still grieving so that round be very hard but this has to make it just so much harder.