To talk to FIL about his partner not being our DS's Granny....

[Writerwannabe83]

Almost three years ago my MIL died very unexpectedly when DS was 4 months old. Throughout the pregnancy she had been so excited as she so desperately wanted a grandchild but due to her being unwell she only ever got to hold him once before she died. DH understandably took her death very badly and I know it breaks his heart that she never got to be in DS's life and it kills him that DS will grow up never knowing who his Grandma was (he's now almost three).

About four months after MIL had died our FIL came round and announced that he had met someone - my DH was very upset about this as it felt as though hardly any time had passed since his mother's death and he actually walked out of the room because he didn't know what to do or say.

My FIL has now been with this woman for 2.5 years and my DH has only met her once (and even that occasion was an accident) and he does not wish to get to know her. I think the fact she came on the scene so close to his mother's death has caused him to put up a brick wall and I think he's angry with his dad and deflects this on to the woman. I have met her plenty of times and she seems very pleasant but DH and I never really talk about her, she just generally isn't mentioned. FIL never makes reference to her when my DH is around.

Anyhow - yesterday my FIL looked after DS for me for a few hours and his partner was there too which is obviously fine. However, when DS came back he started referring to FIL's partner as 'Granny' and when he did it for the first time it really stung DH. DH later said to me that the woman isn't DS's Granny and he was really upset to hear it come out of DS's mouth.

We don't know whether FIL is referring to this woman as being our DS's Granny, or whether the woman herself is doing it, but either way my DH is finding it hard to make sense of. He's adamant his dad would never allow another woman to refer to herself as 'granny' (out of loyalty to his past wife) but I'm not so sure.

DH has said that if DS is being told by either FIL or the other woman that she is 'granny' then that's it, he won't let FIL look after DS anymore. He said he won't have DS growing up thinking FIL's partner is his Granny as his mum will always have that title. I think DH feels like his mum's role is trying to replaced as that's how he felt when FIL started dating again so soon.

I feel like I need to say something to FIL because it's really upsetting DH but I don't know what? I can just see this snowballing and I don't want it to create even more family division.

My dd had 3 granny's and 3 grandads,no problem,lots of love.

Aderyn2016

I'm not saying that the OP's should just have accepted it, or that he should have been forced to speed through the grieving process, but what he is doing now is unhealthy.

Not just for him but for any lasting relationship with his father.

It may have been selfish not to hide the new partner but at least he was honest about it, can you imagine the response if DDad had hidden the relationship for it to come out now.

Given that the DH appears to still be grieving for his mother, (again) how long should DDad have to hide the relationship? Should he still be hiding it now?

Lots of love that's a great way to look at it.

lweji

An adult Bringing a child into a family and doing so as a fully recognised legal parent is a very different thing to an adult bringing another adult.

Quite aside from the fact that the child wouldnt just be randomly showing up out of the blue, preparations would have been made its not like speed dating where you can meet and shack up within a couple of weeks, it's not really much different to what happens with extended family members when you produce a biological child. nobody gets a say in someone else having children.

QueenOfTheCatBastards

The sad thing is that if the DH had tried to have a relationship with this "random woman" he could have led the way on what she could be called.

Given that the DH appears to still be grieving for his mother, (again) how long should DDad have to hide the relationship? Should he still be hiding it now?

It doesn't read as if the DH is asking his dad to hide anything. The op has said he doesn't wish for his dad to be lonely, he is simply saying she is not his mother he doesn't wish to interact with her as if she were,she is just a unrelated person who happens to be in his dad's life and by that situation she is not his own childs grandparent

NeedsAsockamnesty

I was asking Aderyn2016 as she has stated that the father should have hidden the relationship to protect his adult son's feelings (paraphrased)

If there is any talking to be done is is your husband talking to his dad about the issues he has. That being allowed to fester will cause far more problems in the future than what your father in law's partner is called by your son.

If your husband is willing to jeopardise your sons relationship with his grandad because of his own resentments, that needs to be addressed.

I know others have shared similar experiences. My mom died very suddenly when I was 19 and my dad began dating her best friend a month later. He told me after they had been seeing each other for about three months, and they were married 18 months after my mom died. It was incredibly painful for me. I pretty much planned to cut off any connection I had with my dad and made plans to stay away from home as much as possible during my university holidays.

This was all about 16 years ago now, and I've learned a few things. I'm going to make a massive generalisation and say that I think a lot of men aren't very good at being alone. I don't think that he was trying to erase the memory of my mother, but my dad didn't know how to cope without her and found solace and comfort in someone who knew her and loved her. He didn't handle the situation well with me, but he accepts that and acknowledges it now.

The second thing is that my stepmom really is a wonderful woman. She loves me and she loves my children. I do refer to her as grandma, but as my babies get older I'll also tell them about their other grandma. I am glad that they have another person to love them, even though it's sometimes painful that it is not my own mother.

Your DH's situation is different because it's all more recent and fresh, but I would encourage him to have an open and honest conversation with his father about his feelings, and then to gradually try to spend more time with the partner. It's perfectly reasonable that she not be called granny, but it sounds like he is nursing a lot of anger and resentment, which isn't good for him and isn't great for your son. I hope he's able to find some space in his heart for this woman and to work on healing the relationship with his father, which is undoubtedly strained.

Now that makes far more sense then Boney sorry for miss reading

In the nicest possible way, your DH needs to get over it, through counselling if necessary. Neither your FIL nor this woman - who he is treating so rudely - has done anything wrong, and he is standing in the way of a potentially warm and positive relationship between her and your** DS.

Taking DS to kiss his grandmother's headstone is just plain weird tbh - she can't ever really mean anything to him because he'll never know her. And that's painful (I know!) but not a reason to deprive him of what could be a fond and supportive relationship with another granny figure.

I would hazard a guess that most of the posters who are calling OP's DH 'selfish' and saying he needs to get over himself have not experienced the loss of a parent themselves.

I was orphaned as a teenager. I'm an only child. I'm very grateful for all my children's adored and adoring surrogate aunties, uncles and grandparents.

I don't think DH is wrong, though after 2 and a half years it would be nicer all round if he got to know his fathers girlfriend on her own merits. But that is all she is, a girlfriend.

Not a step mum or a step grandmother.

People have likened this to an adoptive child - well no. Because a child someone has adopted is their child. This woman is not the mum/stepmum.

People have likened this to a son or daughter in law. Again, no. Because no one is being 'replaced' in that scenario. And again, that at least involves marriage. A more appropriate scenario would be to relate it to a girlfriend.

"My brother has a girlfriend I've met 5 times, they have dated for 2.5 years and don't live together. Aibu to not want my kids to call her auntie?"

Mummyoflittldragon "You are 50% responsible for the wellbeing of your child. And it is very much in the interest of a child to be surrounded by loving family and significant people." IMHO No, not necessarily, not if the presence of people causes issues and problems in a child's immediate family, no it is not in the child's best interests.

"If this lady is here to stay, which it sounds as though it is, I would definitely be advocating for her to hold an important role in your ds's life - assuming she's an appropriate role model."

Why? What value can she bring is she causes issues to the child's own father? I am not saying it is her fault at all. Just that it is pointless to try and shoehorn an adult into a child's life when they could actually bring a degree of discomfort and conflict into the immediate family.

crapitus I am so sorry for you this sounds shit, your dad has behaved so badly to you.

Pin "but is also punishing himself by having no contact with his dad..."

The OP's Dh and his dad have a relationship they enjoy around sports.

The OP has said they would not spend more time with the FIL and his partner even if they all got on. I can understand why it would be quite difficult for the OP's dh to have any kind of productive relationship with his dad's partner when she looks so much like his mum!

"FIL hasn't remarried and from the post we don't even know if he lives with the new partner."

We do, the OP said, he doesn't.

My grandson calls his step grandmother Granny followed by her name. As far as my son in law is concerned the more people that love his son the better, something we all agree on. Our grandson is 3 and things can are explained to him in at the level he can understand.

Of course we all miss our parents desperately, and it is particularly poignant when they will never know the grandchildren you know they would have loved. It is my greatest sadness my dad never met my children, but that is MY sadness, not my childrens. As far as they are concerned they just love the people that love them too. And the more the better - and at least there are numerous different grandparent names to chose from!!

Maybe it is strange but I was so delighted when my mum found somebody else after the death of my beloved dad. As much as we all want out children to be happy, don't we all want our parents to be happy too?

I am told I was always my step grandfather's favourite, even though all his other grandchildren were his naturally.. And I loved him as much as my other grandfather. It;s only as we get older we wish we had known the family who we had lost, but as a young child it's not so important.

TitusAndromedon this is excellent advice " I would encourage him to have an open and honest conversation with his father about his feelings, and then to gradually try to spend more time with the partner. It's perfectly reasonable that she not be called granny, but it sounds like he is nursing a lot of anger and resentment, which isn't good for him and isn't great for your son. I hope he's able to find some space in his heart for this woman and to work on healing the relationship with his father, which is undoubtedly strained."

Excellent, because it is centuring the OP's dh and his needs, which is what he will be interested in primarily (like most of us). And yet it could have a trickle down effect for his son and for his wife and his dad and dad's partner.

I think FIL and DH need to have an open talk, especially over what DS calls FIL new lady friend. My DH parents have split up and he's close to his Mum, so we have Nanny & Grandad Geoff. His Dad is Grandad Ron & Mel. His Dad TBH hasn't bothered with the other grandkids and I doubt he will bother with our new son.

In my opinion, its like trying to get someone to call their stepmum, mum. Whilst yes, that step parent could be very motherly and be a wonderfully helpful and supportive member of your family, that doesn't mean you have to call them mum, because that is not who they are.

The DS does not have to call the girlfriend granny, or other such names, to have a great grandmotherly bond with her, and I really think it is more appropriate as the FIL and partner really haven't been together that long.

2 and a half years is well long enough. People get married and have children when they've been in a relationship less time than that.

Lweji "But you're still imposing a non blood relative on your relatives and demanding that they also consider them as your child, and their relative."

Not at all, I am not imposing anything on anyone. If any family member were not happy to accept my son as my son, they would not be having contact with him. I would not want him (as a child) damaged by the idea that he was not good enough for our family.

I might remain in contact with key family members if they rejected my son, but in all honestly I doubt it. Adopting is, in my mind, the kind of relationship like giving birth (I've done both) and it comes first, before extended family or even marriage, before partners or girlfriends or boyfriends.

"It's not what most people do with partners, but I'm just trying to point out the unfairness of saying that a new partner has nothing to do with the original family because it's not blood related."

I know what you are doing and it is fine to do it but if you ask an adoptive parent how they feel about their adopted child they will most likely tell you it is like a relationship with a birth child. It is not like a partner or girlfriend or even a spouse. And as others have pointed out it comes after planning and preparation.

I would also add it is normally seen as a happy event, potentially after years of fertility issues.

The arrival of a new partner after a reasonable time of loss (by death or divorce) may well also be seen as a happy occasion too. But a few months, or in the case of one poor poster, days, after the loss of a loved one I doubt many adult children would be ready to welcome a new person into the life of a parent.

Sadly, because of the quick start even though it has now been years the adult son still feels raw.

I can understand it but in your child's eyes grand-dad lives with grandma doesn't she? But obviously they need to talk about this.

It is hardly surprising that your DH is upset as FIL got together with this new lady with what we call indecent haste.

OP I must say I find the kissing the headstone and talking about Grandma a lot, very worrying and I would address this issue for this reason primarily.

You son will never have a relationship with his grandma and will one day tire of visits to a cemetery. When my parents died, mine and my sisters kids were young, (actually my first was in my tummy and ds not yet conceived at the time of my dad). My sister and I did not involved the kids greatly in the grief and loss. We took them only a little to the crematorium and chose instead to remember our parents through nice photos and family stories. We got to repeat it all again last year when mum died and again things were mostly not for the kids, it felt right, my sis and I supported each other.

Neither of my kids met my father and my son had no real relationship with my mum. But they have toys brought that were special, see photos and hear funny stories.

I do very much believe life is for the living and I do feel your husband's feelings about the loss of his mum might negatively affect your son in time, quite aside from the issue with his FIL's partner.

morning they do not live together.

I feel very sad for the grandad in all this.

Do you really take your DS to kiss his dead GM gravestone?

I think it is the picture on the gravestone not the gravestone itself, that was my mistake.