To talk to FIL about his partner not being our DS's Granny....

[Writerwannabe83]

Almost three years ago my MIL died very unexpectedly when DS was 4 months old. Throughout the pregnancy she had been so excited as she so desperately wanted a grandchild but due to her being unwell she only ever got to hold him once before she died. DH understandably took her death very badly and I know it breaks his heart that she never got to be in DS's life and it kills him that DS will grow up never knowing who his Grandma was (he's now almost three).

About four months after MIL had died our FIL came round and announced that he had met someone - my DH was very upset about this as it felt as though hardly any time had passed since his mother's death and he actually walked out of the room because he didn't know what to do or say.

My FIL has now been with this woman for 2.5 years and my DH has only met her once (and even that occasion was an accident) and he does not wish to get to know her. I think the fact she came on the scene so close to his mother's death has caused him to put up a brick wall and I think he's angry with his dad and deflects this on to the woman. I have met her plenty of times and she seems very pleasant but DH and I never really talk about her, she just generally isn't mentioned. FIL never makes reference to her when my DH is around.

Anyhow - yesterday my FIL looked after DS for me for a few hours and his partner was there too which is obviously fine. However, when DS came back he started referring to FIL's partner as 'Granny' and when he did it for the first time it really stung DH. DH later said to me that the woman isn't DS's Granny and he was really upset to hear it come out of DS's mouth.

We don't know whether FIL is referring to this woman as being our DS's Granny, or whether the woman herself is doing it, but either way my DH is finding it hard to make sense of. He's adamant his dad would never allow another woman to refer to herself as 'granny' (out of loyalty to his past wife) but I'm not so sure.

DH has said that if DS is being told by either FIL or the other woman that she is 'granny' then that's it, he won't let FIL look after DS anymore. He said he won't have DS growing up thinking FIL's partner is his Granny as his mum will always have that title. I think DH feels like his mum's role is trying to replaced as that's how he felt when FIL started dating again so soon.

I feel like I need to say something to FIL because it's really upsetting DH but I don't know what? I can just see this snowballing and I don't want it to create even more family division.

My son automatically called grandads girlfriend Nanny no one told him too he just picked the most appropriate name from his limited vocabulary

I certainly wouldn't let my DD call a long-term partner who wasn't a blood relative 'granny' or 'nana' or anything like that, unless it came from her spontaneously. The acid test for me would be: if they split up, would there be a mutual desire for the grandparent-grandchild relationship to be maintained with that person? If not, I would veto this. It's not fair on the child.

Many years ago my mother died. My father met someone else(not quite so fast) and they lived together for a few years and then married.

She was never my or my brother's stepmother or my nieces' granny as they remembered my mum. However she was granny to my children, otherwise they wouldn't have had one.

I can see why your DH is upset, but doesn't it please him that his dad is happy and that both of them love your child?

Would he rather his dad was lonely?

Is the issue the word Granny? I actually expect not. In which case, Nana etc instead won't help.

My child calls her step grandfather "Grandpa" but is well aware that her father's actual father died many years before she was born. It's not just a title that her grandfather finds it a privilege to have - it's also lovely for my daughter to get to have a "Grandpa".

I appreciate that was easier for us with the timescale though.

Your husband already lets his father's girlfriend spend time with his son - so that's a positive.

Your FIL has done nothing wrong, and honestly I think your husband needs bereavement / grief counselling. I absolutely get his anger at a delay of only 4 months. That said, I'm marrying a widower and I know in his ill wife's final months, she told him to grab happiness however quickly it came to him. If I die, I want my fiancé to be happy - another girlfriend after 4 months won't disrespect me.

It would change my opinion if he suspected his father of an affair.

But I really think the onus is on your husband to work through this. His father is already being sensitive in not mentioning her or - it sounds like - pushing things.

I don't think he's in a good position to decide about the "Granny" title - there's so much more going on.

I don't think it's your FIL you or anyone else should be talking to. It's your OH who needs a word.

As much as he loved his mother, did he expect his dad to be alone? Why can't he be happy that his father has found a companion and is happy?

Are you afraid of talking to him about it?

It looks to me that he has had trouble dealing with bereavement and maybe some counselling would help, if you can't discuss it with him.

I can understand how this is hurting your OH, but on the positive side there is a woman who wants to part of your child's life and to build a special and hopefully long term relationship with him.

If you are able to do so I think one way would be for you to talk about it to her ,explain that you want your son to know her and to have a special relationship with her but that the name is a sticking point. If you can come to an agreement with her about what an acceptable name is then I think that will go some way towards building a relationship between her and your OH in the future.

I think a 'granny' relationship is a special and very fulfilling relationship for a child, your son has missed out on this for long enough, it is not his fault that his dad's mum died and that his dad resents the new partner.

I may be totally off the mark here (I probably am) but do you think maybe your fil has been showing him pictures or taking about your mil and used the name granny? Did your ds definitely mean the new partner?

I completely understand why your husband is hurt btw.

Thank you everyone for all your responses - they're all very helpful.

MIL would have been called Grandma, so technically the use of Granny is a different name but DH still doesn't want DS saying it.

DH has always said he accepts FIL has met someone else, states that he doesn't want his dad to be lonely but also says he doesn't want anything to do with her. I've spoken many times to DH about how he needs to find a way to accept her into our lives (for his dad's sake and our DS's sake) but he just shuts the conversation down.

He has said that if FIL had met this woman now he wouldn't feel so strongly about him having a new partner, but he just can't get passed the fact that FIL started dating her so soon after his mother's death.

The new partner looks a lot like MIL too so I think DH struggles with that as well.

This lady is an important part of Fil life now. I can see how your husband is angry, as it was so soon after his dear mum's death that he got another partner, and he's hurt. Mabey he wod not have felt that way if Fil had waited a couple of years. It's done now. Mabey all come up with a name that your DC's can refer to her as, like Nanna Jane, or Grandma Jane.

It does sound like your DH is being somewhat unreasonable and I second the suggestion that he sees a grief counsellor.

I think YABU, and your husband even moreso. Why deny his son a grandparent because he has arbitrary ideas of when it's okay to have a new partner?

Granny Jane (or whatever her name is)?
I wouldn't go down the "Nana" route if you don't come from a family or area where that is the norm.
My second cousin didn't have a granny (hers committed suicide before she was born), so she "borrowed" ours and called her Granny Gracie.

And not to know whether this makes a difference or not - but FILs partner has probably only met DS a maximum of four or five times. Yesterday when FIL was looking after DS it was the first time his partner had ever been with DS without me being there too.

Can they not be Granny and Nanny?

I'm so sorry for you all your DHs DM dies but DH is being a bit unreasonable IMO.

Things could be much worse, his DF could be suffering from loneliness, turning to alcohol, having depression, etc.

Instead, he has a lovely new partner.

It would be great for your DSs sake that your DH gained some perspective.

*died

I would speak to Fil privately and ask him to use his partners first name. We had the same issue with my mother. My dad died when mine and my brother's children were babies. She remarried fairly quickly. My dad was their Grandad not my mum's new husband. I was appalled when she tried to use the term for her new man.

As for your husband, he must work through this on his own. I can understand the heartbreak of your children never knowing a parent that you adore.

Would your husband consider some counselling to get past this? It sounds like he hasn´t accepted his father as a autonomous adult person who has a right to live his own life as he sees fit. It sounds like he still sees his father primary role as being his Dad.

My friends step dad is and always has been pappy to her children. They adore him and while he's just the same as any other grandparent to them they are very aware that he's not their mummy's dad. My friends dad died many years ago before she was married but her children know of him and refer to him as Grandpa.

There's room for his dad's new partner in your child's life without it lessening the importance of your MIL. Your husband should try and focus on the positives that your FILs partner has brought into his dad's life.

It's just so difficult isn't it. FIL is really lovely and was devastated when MIL died and I'm glad he has someone to make him happy. I think I might broach the subject again with DH about getting to know FIL's partner again but I fear that this Granny issue has just bought back all the initial anger

Would your OH accept one of his children telling him when he was allowed to start dating if you died?

I completely understand why your DH feels this way, BUT I think he's being a little unreasonable. Part of adult life is accepting other people's partners and trying to get along.

Has he spoken to anyone about his feelings of grief and loss? It sounds very raw still - 3 years is admittedly not that long (you never really 'get over' a loss like that) but it sounds as though he's still very deeply upset. Detaching those feelings of grief from his feelings about your FIL's new partner might be quite a valuable thing to do.

To say he will never meet her is reallt sad. Your husband is still deeply hurting and acting like a child really. I don't mean that in an unkind way ..life is long and your dh needs to find peace in his heart for his own sake.

Your FIL is an adult ..he can grieve and move on in the way thst suits him best.

Can you take a firmer line with your DH and say you will help sort this naming issue out if he agrees to move fr ward abd meet this woman ?

I couldn't forgive my dad if he shacked up with a woman 4 months after my mum died. Never. Maybe that's cruel but I wouldn't really care.

I have a close friend who was in this situation (it was her mum who died and her father who met a new partner), her dd called the new partner nanny one day and my friend was not impressed. The compromise that worked for them (found cringeworthy by some of her other family members but friend told them to myob) was NJ (partners name was Jean so short for Nanny Jean but never spoken aloud).