To talk to FIL about his partner not being our DS's Granny....

[Writerwannabe83]

Almost three years ago my MIL died very unexpectedly when DS was 4 months old. Throughout the pregnancy she had been so excited as she so desperately wanted a grandchild but due to her being unwell she only ever got to hold him once before she died. DH understandably took her death very badly and I know it breaks his heart that she never got to be in DS's life and it kills him that DS will grow up never knowing who his Grandma was (he's now almost three).

About four months after MIL had died our FIL came round and announced that he had met someone - my DH was very upset about this as it felt as though hardly any time had passed since his mother's death and he actually walked out of the room because he didn't know what to do or say.

My FIL has now been with this woman for 2.5 years and my DH has only met her once (and even that occasion was an accident) and he does not wish to get to know her. I think the fact she came on the scene so close to his mother's death has caused him to put up a brick wall and I think he's angry with his dad and deflects this on to the woman. I have met her plenty of times and she seems very pleasant but DH and I never really talk about her, she just generally isn't mentioned. FIL never makes reference to her when my DH is around.

Anyhow - yesterday my FIL looked after DS for me for a few hours and his partner was there too which is obviously fine. However, when DS came back he started referring to FIL's partner as 'Granny' and when he did it for the first time it really stung DH. DH later said to me that the woman isn't DS's Granny and he was really upset to hear it come out of DS's mouth.

We don't know whether FIL is referring to this woman as being our DS's Granny, or whether the woman herself is doing it, but either way my DH is finding it hard to make sense of. He's adamant his dad would never allow another woman to refer to herself as 'granny' (out of loyalty to his past wife) but I'm not so sure.

DH has said that if DS is being told by either FIL or the other woman that she is 'granny' then that's it, he won't let FIL look after DS anymore. He said he won't have DS growing up thinking FIL's partner is his Granny as his mum will always have that title. I think DH feels like his mum's role is trying to replaced as that's how he felt when FIL started dating again so soon.

I feel like I need to say something to FIL because it's really upsetting DH but I don't know what? I can just see this snowballing and I don't want it to create even more family division.

I don't think I said he wasn't Aderyn?

It's not the same losing you life partner - you lose life as you know it.

No less valid or better/worse but it is different. op's dh still has his life partner. He is not alone.

I think in your situation I would have a quiet word with FIL along the lines of you know how DH feels and that's really not helped. Encourage FIL to go to your DH too to try to heal this. I think if I were your DH too I'd find it hard to cope with, though I imagine your DS referring to her by her name may have upset him. Having said that, after 2.5 years she's not a random fling.

My DD has 4 'proper' grandmas and a couple of surrogates. Each has a different name, think Granny, Grandma etc. She loves spending time with each of them and they her. Not one of them is biologically related, but just like being a parent, grandparenting is a state of mind and not down to DNA.

I wouldn't presume to judge fil. Being bereaved is unbelievably hard

I agree.

I could have written the circumstances of your post.

My step mother made my fathers final few years very happy. She shouldered all his ill health. He loved her and she loved him.

I'd have been a selfish cow if I'd tried to prevent that.

You're DH needs to understand his father is an adult and allowed to choose his own life. It doesn't mean the love he had for his wife is in any way diminished, quite the opposite.

Its very selfish to want someone to lonely. Would your DH be happier if his father remained bereaved and depressed? Because that's what he's asking.

Step mothers/step nanas can be just as wonderful as the 'real thing.' Sometimes better!!! I know a few HIDEOUS 'birth' mothers and a few wonderful stepmothers.

I know someone (Lee,) whose father and mother split up 11 years ago when he was 12, and he stayed with his mother. Long story short, his mother is - and always had been an absolute c-nt. She has always yelled at him, called him thick, blamed him for anything and everything, and made him feel stupid. When he was 16, she demanded he goes out to work and had HALF his money from his full time wage. His younger brother couldn't do any wrong, and she let him go to college and encouraged him to have a career.

Upshot is, Lee reminded her of his father, and she loathes him because he wouldn't marry her, and left her for someone else. The brother (a year younger) has the same father but he is nothing like the father apparently.

So anyway, 2 years ago, Lee whose mother is so vile, left home and went to live with his girlfriend. His mother hasn't spoke to him since and blames the girlfriend for stealing him and 'ruining their relationship.' HAHA, WHAT relationship?! She is just bruised because she lost the £500 a month contribution from him! The other lad left home just before to join one of the armed forces, but she still worships him and he can do no wrong.

Back to the subject matter; the lad's dad is amazing and he has a great relationship with him, and his wife (married last year after 9 years together,) is lovely too, and is a much better mother than his birth mother who not only made Lee feel like a loser and failure in life who she could beat down, but also hates his girlfriend when all she has been is a wonderful, loving, supportive partner.

Now Lee and his girlfriend and his dad and dad's wife, along with the girlfriend's parents and sister, make a really happy family unit that do lots of things together, whilst Lee's mother is alone and sad, just where she belongs, as the brother has left now and has joined one of the armed services.

Lee actually said his stepmother is the 'mother he never had.'

I grew up with a Nanna and a Grandpa Joe, I nevertheless knew until I was a teenager that's Nanna was my mum's step mum and Grandpa Joe wasn't even her dad he was Nanna's third husband!

Mum lost her own mum age 4, her dad remarried Nanna and then died when mum was 26 and Nanna remarried Joe.

They were just grandparents, I could easily have been denied any grandparents if mum had been funny about bloody relatives.

I think your DH, sad as he is, should not deny your child the chance of a granny, he is reasonable though to pick a name that he is comfortable with, Nanny Mavis or whatever.

MissBeehiving totally agree with you.

OP, I would never be able to accept another woman as a grandmother figure for my DC and it is hugely disrespectful of them to refer to her as Granny. I'd be absolutely livid and I completely empathise with your DH. I would tread carefully in your position as the last thing your DH needs would be to feel that you are on their side, rather than his. He has been through so much he needs you to support him in how he feels. I would not encourage your DH and the lady to meet. I don't see how any good can come of it.

Thank you everyone for your continued replies.

I think the fact that DS and FIL's partner don't really have a relationship (they've only met 5 times) is what is making it more upsetting for DH.

Yesterday was the first time the woman had spent time with DS without me being there and it was only for three hours so for DS to then come home and start talking about the woman who was at his grandads house as being his Granny just seemed a bit odd. It would be different if they saw each other weekly for example and they had an established relationship, but they don't. It just seems inappropriate seeing as she doesn't even know DS.

DH has told DS that the lady who is at Grandad's house is not 'granny' and her name is 'x' - which to be honest I think would be a much more fitting way for DS to refer to her as.

Maybe FIL thinks that as DH's mom would have been called Grandma and not Granny he doesn't see that there'd be any harm in using it.

I wouldn't be happy with this, either. Your DH needs to speak to his father.

Dd has a grandpa - my mother's husband. And then my father, who died is her grandad. I talk to her about him. She sees photos. Your mil can live on through your dh and you. Your ds can grow up to know he was so much wanted by her. Nothing can detract from that. Her death is very sad. And I agree that your dh needs to find a way to move on. He's displacing his grief onto this lady and it is unfair. You are 50% responsible for the wellbeing of your child. And it is very much in the interest of a child to be surrounded by loving family and significant people. If this lady is here to stay, which it sounds as though it is, I would definitely be advocating for her to hold an important role in your ds's life - assuming she's an appropriate role model.

I can see my dad doing that, getting together almost immediately after losing my mum if she were to die before him. Some men just cant be on their own, especially after a long marriage, and it sounds like the FIL is one of those.

Thats all very well for them but I would be heartbroken if my dad did do that, as if it didnt matter which woman he is with, as long as he is with someone and that my mother could be so easily replaced after 50 years of marriage. So I do think that the speed he started seeing someone else is very relevant.

I also dont think that it is unreasonable to not want the GF to be called "Granny" and a simple conversation about how it upsets DH and that you dont feel its appropriate should hopefully put a stop to it.

Oh ffs, people get to choose THEIR OWN NAMES.

And why would anyone want to deprive a child of any decent person HAPPILY taking on the role of doting carer? If a genuinely nice neighbor wanted to bake cookies, emergency babysit, etc, etc, and wanted my daughter to call her Gramma, (provided my daughter was happy with it), why on earth would I object?

FIL is a grown up. He obviously loved being married and hurried to get things feeling ok again.

I would tread carefully in your position as the last thing your DH needs would be to feel that you are on their side, rather than his.

I do wish DH could find a way to accept this woman as it would make life so much easier but on this issue I'm completely on DH's side. I don't like DS calling her Granny either because she doesn't even really know him.

I feel for your dh but think he's being pretty selfish.

And in case it's not clear from my posts my FIL and his partner aren't married and they don't live together - again, I don't know if that makes any difference.

The lack of relationship here is not a valid argument because that's because of your husband.

She's been in your FIL's life for 2.5 years; maybe it's time you all started to get to know her.

When my dad died, my mother never dated, and I found out after she had passed away that it was because she didn't want to upset my brother and me. That broke my heart, that she was alone (it was just a couple of years, but still) when she didn't have to be, because she wanted to make things easier for me. Had she dated someone, I would have been upset, uncomfortable, even angry, but I'd have kept it to myself. I would never have begrudged her spending time with someone, especially when I was going home to my husband and kids.

What happens if FIL marries this woman? Is your husband just going to cut ties with his father? I don't know how he could avoid her otherwise.

I understand your dh's pov BUT think about it.

This woman is standing FIL's wife's place and fulfilling her role. She is keeping FIL happy in so many ways that you can't even imagine. With out, your FIL would probably need a very great deal of attention from you and from his son, to an extent which many people find stifling ot irritating or so time consuming they are exhausted by it. This woman is saving you from all that worry. And she is making FIL happy. That is a gift without measure.

Further, if a family break up and each parent find a new partner, are those new partner's not fulfilling a role which helps to keep the children cared for and safe? What of younger people who tragically die leaving small children behind? Or adoptive parents? Are they not parents too?

Try to see her as the gift that she is. Your dh will find it hard, of course, but can you gently encourage him to view her in a positive light, and as so eone who is contributing to the family and to ds' well-being?

My Step Mother and I had an AWFUL relationship. She was extremely emotionally abusive to my brother and I. I now make the effort to bear her as it makes my Dad and half brother so happy. She is amazing with ds and he adores her so he calls her Granny and I send Mother's Day cards to her.

It fucking kills me to do this but ds gains from the relationship. I'm an adult, I put his needs and feelings first (usually). If I can do this with a woman I have any reason to loathe then your husband can.

Awkward for you op.

My rational mind says that your DH is being unreasonable and that he should accept his dad's new partner.

However, having lost my mum in similar circumstances (totally unexpected death) I can say that grief makes us irrational.

I think that your dh needs to talk to his dad and try to get to know his partner. If not he'll be pushing away his only remaining parent. However I completely agree that the granny thing is inappropriate. She can be called her first name and if fil and partner can't see that then they are being insensitive.

I would really encourage your dh to try to get to know this lady though. She'll never replace his mum but his dad might just need someone in his life. Better to be happy than totally depressed and needy (speaks from experience).

Good luck

are you sure the 'Granny' didn't partly come from DS? I do think your DH needs therapy, I suspect your DH's dad was totally bereft and couldn't stand being alone - perhaps neither of them have dealt well enough with the grief. They probably need to have it out and define their own parameters before you involve DS.

It isn't really - FIL doesn't see DS in the week because he works full time, as do we, and at the weekend me, DH and DS do family things and FIL does his thing.

About two weekends out of every month DH and FIL go to sporting events together so they still socialise but it's just not in a way that enables DS to be part of it.

Even if DH was completely accepting of FIL and his partner we still wouldn't really see them.

My father did exactly this. TWO DAYS after my ther died I went to my dads to find a woman sat in his lounge. I was introduced as a family friend and didn't think any more of it until he went out for a drink with her two weeks later. A few weeks after that they were regularly dating and 4 months later he'd moved her in. I struggled so much with it - made worse by the fact the woman told my father in no uncertain terms that I was to "butt out" of their business.
To cut a very long and painful story short my father wouldn't accept that I was struggling to cope and he wouldn't talk to me properly about it. His GF caused loads of trouble and broke up with him a few times, emotionally blackmailing him by making him choose between her and his 'troublemaker' daughter.
He cut contact with me two years ago, 6 months after my mother died. In the process he lost contact with his only two grandchildren too.
He now has a ready made family with her children and grandchildren and we don't feature in his life at all.
The home that my mother loved so much has been completey altered and remodelled, any evidence of my mother has been removed.
It's been the most painful time of my life.

Hiya,
I must admit I haven't read EVERY post on here, but just wanted to throw my view in.
I lost my dad 18 months ago, it was unexpected and the most painful thing I have ever gone through / going through.
I am expecting my first baby any day now, and my dad is my baby's granddad.
Mum is single and has no one on the scene, but even if there was, over my dead body would my baby refer to them as granddad. Baby's granddad is my dad, there is no compromise on that whatsoever.
that's all!
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