To talk to FIL about his partner not being our DS's Granny....

[Writerwannabe83]

Almost three years ago my MIL died very unexpectedly when DS was 4 months old. Throughout the pregnancy she had been so excited as she so desperately wanted a grandchild but due to her being unwell she only ever got to hold him once before she died. DH understandably took her death very badly and I know it breaks his heart that she never got to be in DS's life and it kills him that DS will grow up never knowing who his Grandma was (he's now almost three).

About four months after MIL had died our FIL came round and announced that he had met someone - my DH was very upset about this as it felt as though hardly any time had passed since his mother's death and he actually walked out of the room because he didn't know what to do or say.

My FIL has now been with this woman for 2.5 years and my DH has only met her once (and even that occasion was an accident) and he does not wish to get to know her. I think the fact she came on the scene so close to his mother's death has caused him to put up a brick wall and I think he's angry with his dad and deflects this on to the woman. I have met her plenty of times and she seems very pleasant but DH and I never really talk about her, she just generally isn't mentioned. FIL never makes reference to her when my DH is around.

Anyhow - yesterday my FIL looked after DS for me for a few hours and his partner was there too which is obviously fine. However, when DS came back he started referring to FIL's partner as 'Granny' and when he did it for the first time it really stung DH. DH later said to me that the woman isn't DS's Granny and he was really upset to hear it come out of DS's mouth.

We don't know whether FIL is referring to this woman as being our DS's Granny, or whether the woman herself is doing it, but either way my DH is finding it hard to make sense of. He's adamant his dad would never allow another woman to refer to herself as 'granny' (out of loyalty to his past wife) but I'm not so sure.

DH has said that if DS is being told by either FIL or the other woman that she is 'granny' then that's it, he won't let FIL look after DS anymore. He said he won't have DS growing up thinking FIL's partner is his Granny as his mum will always have that title. I think DH feels like his mum's role is trying to replaced as that's how he felt when FIL started dating again so soon.

I feel like I need to say something to FIL because it's really upsetting DH but I don't know what? I can just see this snowballing and I don't want it to create even more family division.

He has said that if FIL had met this woman now he wouldn't feel so strongly about him having a new partner, but he just can't get passed the fact that FIL started dating her so soon after his mother's death.

I don't buy this at all, I get the feeling that anytime would have been too soon.

My Dad remarried five years after my mother's death. My DD was four when my mum died and she never met my DS sadly. There is no way I would allow either of my children to call my stepmother any sort of name that refers to her as a grandmother. She is not their grandmother, she is my Dad's wife. That title belongs to my mother. Don't get me wrong, I adore her, she's lovely and has been a fantastic wife to my Dad and is great to both mine and my brother's children but they all just call her by her name. I don't see what's wrong with that at all and actually, neither has she or my Dad ever suggested that she should be addressed with "grandmotherly" title.

OP, I struggled to accept my Dad wanted to remarry, which sounds ridiculous, but it really did affect me so I can totally see where your DH is coming from. I hope somehow you find a way forward.

See the current anger as a way to bring up the root of the issue.

My husband's step mum is called Nanny (name) by my kids because his mum died before they were born. They also know they have Nanny (name) who died before they were born. A grandmother figure who is present, and can have a meaningful relationship with the child is worth having. It doesn't negate the memories of his birth grandmother. Why deprive a child of a loving relationship? Your dh can talk to him about the granny who died, and show him.pictures so he still knows who that person was and how important she was to your dh.

Your dh sounds unreasonable and judgemental and needs to be told that the more people who surround a child with love the better. I have two grandchildren who call me Granny who bear no blood relation (their nanna died before they were born she was my best friend) to me but I love and adore just the same as my actual children's children and my sister's grandchild is adopted but just as loved and adored. Your dh needs to get his head out of his arse and stop judging his father and put punishing this poor woman for daring to love his father and children.

Does your husband know that many many men find a new woman just months after their wife of many years has died. It is so common. Women don't do this so much. I know of two just thinking quickly and these situations too have brought much ill feeling into the families. But it is definitely a phenomenon.

It might help your DH to know that his father acted in a quite common, if very hurtful way.

Has your FIL acknowledged to your dh that he got together with this woman very quickly and that he can understand why your dh might be so upset about that? Maybe some acknowledgement would help.

If the woman seems nice and FIL is happy it would be healthy and helpful if your dh could accept the situation. Understandable though his feelings are.

Withe regard to thename, yes, definitely either you or dh needs to have a word with FIL to find a mutually acceptable name for the woman. And soon.

Gallavich I agree with you, I would have been bloody livid if my Dad had done that and would have found it difficult to forgive to be honest.

My ex had an affair with and subsequently left me for a woman who had been widowed suddenly a couple of months previously. My DS was 2.5. My ex immediately started encouraging my toddler to call OW's parents grandma and granddad! I was absolutely livid and stopped that nonsense immediately. The nerve!

This: "A grandmother figure who is present, and can have a meaningful relationship with the child is worth having. "

My step kids have chosen to call my mum "granny" and I think it is lovely. Embrace bonus family members, they will enrich your lives and your sons life

I would personally tell FIL she's not to be referred to as granny/nanny. They have been together 2.5 years and she's absolutely no claim to that name.

If my df did the same I'd struggle also so I think your dh isn't being unreasonable.

I can say now if anything happened to my dd's grandparents I would not allow anyone else to pick up that title and my dd are young.

I have been through the same situation as you and my husband refused to accept his fathers wife for many years. They starting dating 6 months after his mother died and she never got to meet our daughter as she died just before. They also married a year later.
It your husband who should be speaking to his father as it's something that isn't going to go away unless they have the discussion. I would encourage him to make bridges and you could help in that way by arranging them to come to dinner etc.

My DM died and DD found his first new partner after 2 weeks. It was immensely painful. He then moved onto new partner #1#2#3 over the next 18 months and #4 moved in after 3 years. I have to say that his need to fill the woman shaped hole in his life delayed the grieving process for me a DSis. It felt so disrespectful to DM and it was so hard to move past that.

It is very hard to understand how someone who was very special to you can be replaced so quickly, after all, my DD has another wife but I won't ever have another mum.

Things do get better in time, and no one, including your DH should be forced into moving on in his own remembrance and grief by someone else.

Is she kind and will she be good to your ds? as that is all that really matters. My late mother's husband is my ds's grandfather as that is all my ds knows. Maybe easier for me as both my parents and ex h's parents are dead, so if I was going to be churlish about it my ds would have no one to call a grandparent. Try and get your husband to see that the more people who love a child the better for the child.

My mother died when I was a child, but even after all this time, I would never be happy with a partner of my father being referred to as the grandmother of my kids. Also, had my father found someone new after that short amount of time, I don't think I could have forgiven him.

Similarly, I would find it strange if my father started referring to his partner's grandchildren as his grandchildren. The only grandkids he will get will be from me, or my siblings. To be honest, I think your husband has the right to decide what his own DS's relationship is with FIL's partner.

The fact your MIL died "very unexpectedly" speaks volumes. It sounds as if your husband has never got over the shock and trauma of her death. Is this something you could broach to him getting help for, minus the Granny issue? Because that is minor compared to his being in so much pain 3 years on, and may be solved if his grief can be better supported.

I really feel for the poor man.

Four months, ouch.

Time has passed, and this needs sorting sooner rather than later. Don't let it poison memories - could FIL be persuaded to talk to DH? But, if you think FIL is going to say anything a little too frank about his first marriage, don't even think about it.

Its very hard to loose a parent especially when they are so keen on being a grandparent, My dad died when I had small children and was an amazing Grandad so I can identify with his feelings, It hurts when they arent there everyday and missing out on so much.
Its also extremely hard when a parent then gets another partner very quickly, Its not something he can just "get over" it will always be hard because his mum isnt there even though she desperately wanted to be.

They have been together 2.5 years? I cant believe the thought would even enter their heads on encouraging your child to call her Granny, shes barely a stepmother let alone a Granny.
Hopefully its just a misunderstanding, Get your partner to have a chat to his dad about it.

Your poor FIL, he loses his beloved wife and, even though he finds comfort happiness with another woman, is punished by his child, who thinks he should have sat around for years alone and sad. Life doesn't work like that, some people move on quickly, others don't. Your husband is dragging the pain out for everyone when they could be helping each other. I can understand he felt shocked and upset initially, but he needs to move on for the sake of his kids and family. It's not just abou him.

Sounds like your dh could use some grief counselling as he seems to still have a lot of anger and grief to work through.
I would say that he's punishing everyone involved here including (unintentionally) your ds for having any sort of relationship with this woman. He needs to see that she's providing an important relationship and role for your ds that would be sad for him to miss out on if he cant get to grips with his grief. xx

I think your fil has been monumentally selfish tbh. Of course your sh feels his mum has been replaced - fil waited only 4 months. Did he not give any thought at all to his son, who has lost a mother?

The new partner may be lovely, but she has no relationship with the OP's dh - it is massively presumptuous for fil to allow the name granny to be used without asking and when the woman barely knows this little boy's father.
Grandparent relationships are important and the title is not something that should be bestowed lightly. This is something for OP's dh to decide, not fil, just because it suits him. Really insensitive behaviour towards his son.

I agree with those saying the child's thoughts and feelings come first.

In my family we have a similar but different set up with fil being married to ow. My dc have three grandparents on that side of the family and two on mine. My children don't know or understand the hurt that occurred before they were born. They have 5 grandparents who love them and that's what matters.

Sil feels differently. That's her perogative but her children don't understand it and find it bewildering. I don't envy her, it's a hard place to be and made harder by that stance :(

My DC has three sets of grandparents by various names, due to parents splitting up and remarrying. Just means they get more presents! If your DH wants to keep a name eg. Granny for his mum then that's fine, but he should help choose another name for his dad's partner.

I wouldn't presume to judge fil. Being bereaved is unbelievably hard.

I would try to be understanding while accepting I can't understand.

The OPs dh was bereaved too though moving.

If your OH adopted a child would he want his dad to call them grandchild?

I feel sorry for the 'granny', she's done nothing wrong, your DH is angry at his dad and is misdirecting. I've seen this a few times too, and I also don't think your DH is acting in his son's best interests - the more kind involved people your kids have, the better off. I'd be gutted if I died and was swiftly replaced, but I wouldn't want my grand children disadvantaged for the sake of my memory.