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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with my engagment proposal?

288 replies

TinyMackBear4 · 05/03/2017 19:00

I feel so silly writing this. In May last year just after a mc, my other half proposed. But I'm so disappointed in how he done it.
He had been stewing all day to do it (seen the box in his back pocket, pretended not to notice) eventually at 11pm, he woke me up told me he loved me and proposed there. So technically not even down on one knee.
I just feel so underwhelmed by it, I don't even like wearing the ring cause it reminds me of how badly done it was Blush

OP posts:
babyinarms · 05/03/2017 22:46

You've been through a lot with the mc and now have a 10 day old baby. It's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes when there's a lot going on emotionally.
He loves you, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Wear the ring , or he'll think you don't want to spend it with him.
Big gestures are all well and good but real love doesn't need them
My proposal was on a night out in a night club at the end of the night. Not what I'd imagined at all.... but we're happily married 15 years and have 3 wonderful kids. We have our ups and downs but I wouldn't change him for the world !
🌹🌹🌹

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 22:48

Aw you have baby blues, dont worry your husband loves you, my dp didnt get down on one knee either.

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2017 23:02

TinyMackBear4 YANBU, you are totally entitled to feel how you do about the proposal.

You were not happy. And the fact it still affects after all this time may well mean you need to address it.

However, I think I can see a few reasons why you would feel like that.

The engagement came hot on the heels of your miscarriage. Maybe your fiance felt proposing then would help, would reassure you of his love etc.

Did it reassure you of his love?

Other people not being bothered how their proposals went isn't really relevant OP, it's how you feel about your proposal that counts for you. That's not to say you cannot change how you feel, if you genuinely feel differently after reading other people's stories, great.

You've got a new baby, may well be suffering from some post natal depression or baby blues - and you may also be remembering the grief you felt in loosing your baby last year.

The people asking you (or rather telling you) to get a grip, need to get one themselves! IMHO.

So I'd think your first job is to get better if you really do have a touch of the baby blues. Come to terms with the fact your first baby did not get to be born (if you are still upset by this, maybe you are not, but I can't help but think the engagement reminds you of this).

If you would benefit from a bit of counselling, get some, please and move on.

Your finance knows the way he asked you was not great, can you talk about it when you are more 'recovered' from the birth?

Can you discuss the proposal at some point and either move on or recreate it together how you wanted it to be? If this idea sounds naff, ignore.

Then, when you are ready, concentrate on your wedding and the continuation of your lives together.

You are neither entitled nor in need of a grip, but rather in need of some TLC, I hope your fiance will be able to supply it, with love and care and your future together will be beautiful and bring.

Move on with style.

XXX Thanks

feckitt · 05/03/2017 23:05

Don't be so ungrateful. Poor man. I have never had a proposal as such. Was married though, for over 20 years.

ollieplimsoles · 05/03/2017 23:56

Are you ok op? Flowers

Yabu but it doesn't matter, hope you can get passed it when you are a bit less hormonal (ive been there) and have fun planning your dream wedding together

SecretWitch · 06/03/2017 01:53

Italiangreyhound what a lovely, sensitive post. It sounds to me like Op is still struggling with mc and post delivery hormones. A little kindness goes a long way.

kiwipie · 06/03/2017 02:16

Eugh. Poor guy

Zoflorabore · 06/03/2017 02:46

My dp proposed when he was pissed.

Doubt he even remembered in the morning until I mentioned engagement rings Grin

He loves you, he proposed. End of.

Life isn't a fairytale.

Meowstro · 06/03/2017 02:56

YABU, whilst it does sound underwhelming you're missing the point.
Maybe he had planned something and it went wrong or jumped too quickly to ask because he couldn't hold it in any longer. Whatever it may be, he asked and that's what matters. A proposal is not about how it was done, it is the promise of a future together and a testament of his commitment. It's about the marriage and you've got your own little family unit after a tough period. The question is, do you love him and want the commitment he has offered you?

NotaSnowflake · 06/03/2017 03:27

I think you should just be grateful you have a man that wants to marry you!!!!!!!! Some of us don't have that!!!!!

KarmaNoMore · 06/03/2017 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kel1493 · 06/03/2017 10:08

Sorry but I think yabu op. Surely the fact he loves you and wants to marry you is enough? And to not like the ring for that reason? Are you saying if he'd been down on one knee you'd love the ring?
My dh and I had discussed marriage. Yes I was in the early stages of pregnancy, but we both agreed before I was pregnant we wanted to get married. Anyway we'd been having a bit of a row about things, that we managed to sort out and agreed to leave it behind us. We were sat with the music channels on sky, having a chat, and he walked over, (yes he got down one one knee), and simply said "Myname, will you marry me"? I said "yes", and that was it.
I never wanted any big gestures or anyone else around. I was so pleased it was simple and we were alone. Also meant we could enjoy it just us knowing for as long as we wanted, which we did enjoy it being only us who knew for a bit.
A lot of people would say that getting engaged after an argument is a bad idea, but we don't let it bother us. In fact now we laugh about it. Now been married nearly 2 years and couldn't be happier.
Sorry but I do think if you can't get over this, it will continue to impact on your relationship

Honeybee79 · 06/03/2017 10:10

Have you been stewing over this since May?!

yabu.

gardenangels · 06/03/2017 10:14

Unbelievable poor guy. He deserves better. I predict nothing he does will be quite good enough for you. YABU

noeffingidea · 06/03/2017 10:24

karma that is the point of a proposal though, surely? He wants to marry her, she wants to marry him. I would think they would both be grateful for being in that position.

noeffingidea · 06/03/2017 10:26

And what is the 'down on one knee' thing. Does it make the words more meaningful or something?

CosyCoupe88 · 06/03/2017 10:26

I actually think most of the posters on here are being un reasonable with their comments and I wouldn't take them to heart too much. I think is ok to be a bit disappointed ... everyone I know has had at least a slightly romantic proposal... its a big deal and if I had just been shaken awake and proposed to I wouldn't have been over the moon. But for some maybe that is perfect. Having a baby with my husband ( who was then my bf) was by far the most romantic thing we have ever done anyway. The proposal and wedding were lovely but it's the little day to day things that truly warm my heart. Try to think of it like that and that he was just nervous. You have the rest if your lives to be romantic woth eaxh other whether that means breakfast in bed or bavk to back game of thrones with a bucket of popcorn at 2am once the babies are finally asleep (until 4am)

2rebecca · 06/03/2017 10:40

We just discussed getting married and then discussed when. I find it odd that this is an area so many women won't take equal responsibility for and hand all the power to a man.

yerbutnobut · 06/03/2017 11:47

You feel bad for him OP? nice.
So do I but entirely different reason.

NewPantsforaNewYear · 06/03/2017 11:47

petapixel.com/2017/02/16/humor-marriage-proposals-age-instagram/

Anyone else thinking of this?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/03/2017 12:23

It seems odd to me to get the ring and keep it around the house with you all day. He couldn't just take you out to dinner?

If it were a sudden romantic idea to propose then waking you up at 11pm and asking would be sweet. I think it's weird the knew in advance and bought a ring and didn't bother to make it special.

Were you arguing through the day or something? Any reason he just carried it around like that? It's weird.

I know a couple who were planning to get engaged, except she wanted the fancy proposal so when they went on holiday together they both knew it was likely to happen. Turns out they argued so much and had such a miserable time he never got the chance to propose. When they got back he did it on some random night out, but at least they were out of the house...

purpleprincess24 · 06/03/2017 12:32

We found a holiday we really fancied but it would mean we really needed to take 3 off work for and DH could only have 10 work days, without special permission.

After much deliberation, he announced, 'I could get more than the 10 days if it were a honeymoon ... and that was the extent of his proposal

FYI we did book the 3 week honeymoon

grannytomine · 06/03/2017 13:32

I know a couple who were going on a big holiday and she told him exactly where he was to "surprise" her with the proposal, when it was to happen and the ring she wanted. This was all so she could facebook the amazing romantic proposal. I told him he was mental for going along with such a contrived plan. Someone rolling over in bed and telling me he loves me and proposing sounds far more romantic to me.

luckygirl322 · 06/03/2017 14:29

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh-but real life isn't a pinterest board or an instagram photo.

You have found a man who loves you, who wants to spend the rest of his life with you...you're one of the lucky ones.

YABVU.

gardenrosie · 06/03/2017 17:41

My other half proposed after a funeral, no ring, but in a really romantic place.

I knew he really meant it and I was just happy to be marrying him - a bit disappointed not to have an amazing story to gloat about tell people but mainly happy to be marrying him.