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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with my engagment proposal?

288 replies

TinyMackBear4 · 05/03/2017 19:00

I feel so silly writing this. In May last year just after a mc, my other half proposed. But I'm so disappointed in how he done it.
He had been stewing all day to do it (seen the box in his back pocket, pretended not to notice) eventually at 11pm, he woke me up told me he loved me and proposed there. So technically not even down on one knee.
I just feel so underwhelmed by it, I don't even like wearing the ring cause it reminds me of how badly done it was Blush

OP posts:
Alaia5 · 06/03/2017 20:26

I'm not sure why people think if a man gets down in one knee it's necessarily to show off Hmm My DH managed it but there was nobody around except for insects. We certainly had no intention of putting it on Facebook either as I'm still not on it to this day. I've never told anyone what he said as it's personal. Nearly all my friends have actually had proposals that had some thought put into them and none of these were for show either. How hard can it be?

Mammyashy1 · 06/03/2017 20:31

Do you think the fact that you just had a baby 10 days ago and your body/hormones are all over the place is clouding you judgement on this? He went and got a ring he is the father of your child and he wants to be with you. Take a deep breath have a bath and then go cuddle up with your new family x

starlight13 · 06/03/2017 20:34

YANBU at all! Of course we don't expect a fairytale situation but I totally understand that you feel down because he should have chosen a more 'romantic' time at least when you were not half asleep! We women actually would just like something memorable, tasteful and simple really - the question is why do men think we want all of this clichéd crap and then even go and stuff that up! They will never be on our wavelength I'm afraid . Sorry to hear about your mc and hint for him to try again on your wedding anniversary x

witchkat72 · 06/03/2017 20:38

My ex oh proposed in a car park, I said you could be a bit more romantic, so in a lay by next to the sewerage plant it was! Grin When I got engaged to my now dh I proposed with a haribo jelly ring haha.
Honestly it doesn't matter where or how it's the question itself that matters. Hugs to you both and baby Flowers

Skywest · 06/03/2017 20:55

I think you're being a ltitle unfair my husband had planned to do a really dramatic proposal at a theatre show we were going to that day, but in the end he was so bloody nervous he did it in the morning whilst I was in bed. He his the ring in his slipper. I did joke that now he had done it he should do it at the theatre anyway to get a freenice but it wasn't necessary, I was so thrilled we spent the rest of the day wedding planning!

frogsgoladidahdidah · 06/03/2017 21:09

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby! Enjoy this precious and special time, it really does go too fast!

Secondly, yabvvvu. Romance is not the big grand gestures.

Thirdly, please don't be a bridezilla when planning the wedding!

10storeylovesong · 06/03/2017 21:14

After 10 years together dh and I basically decided that we should probably get married now as I wanted to be married before having kids (personal choice - not a dig at anyone that isn't). We ordered a ring together online and I opened the box when it was delivered and put it on. He wasn't even home!

3 of my friends had very romantic proposals, like those you see in films.

Guess which is the only relationship that is still going...

Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2017 21:18

Alaia5 excellent post. "Why do these threads become a race to the bottom?"

BenLinusatemyhomework "Movies and Disney have sold us the line that it has to be some big production" I very much doubt many men are basing their proposal skills on Disney!

However, you do have some good advice..."...you could tell him all the reasons you said yes to his proposal and ask him to share all the reasons he proposed - could be lovely." This is excellent advice, BenLinusatemyhomework.

Chelsea sorry you felt rushed into marriage before you were ready. Glad it has worked out for you though.

NewPuppyMum I completely agree "I think it's a shame that some men see marriage as a bigger tie than having a baby."

katseyes7 · 06/03/2017 21:51

There's a saying, "everything you have, and the things you complain about, someone else is praying for."
You have a man who loves you, and who wants to spend his life with you. Seriously, if this bothers you that much, l wonder if you should be getting married, as if anything goes wrong on the day, it will mar your married life.
Having said that, l've just seen that you had a baby 10 days ago. l think baby blues may be playing a large part in this, and you're overthinking things.
Be kind to yourself and him, sweetheart. Men don't always comprehend the "romantic gestures" that women sometimes expect. The poor guy was probably bricking it all day, then just decided to go for it.
Enjoy your man and your baby, and if anything doesn't go the way you expect on your wedding day, it's one day. There will be good memories, trust me. lt's the rest of your life that matters, not the single moments.
l wish you well and hope that you have a very happy marriage and family life. x

SquidgeyMidgey · 06/03/2017 22:08

ItalianGreyhound, I don't think it's about a race to the bottom. I shared mine to try to help the op to see that not very romantic proposals aren't uncommon and to try to help her see the sweetness in his effort. Mine was fairly naff by Disney standards but meant a lot because he said how he felt. I imagine lots of blokes are terrified at the prospect and simply do the best they can at the time.

Catherinebee85 · 06/03/2017 22:51

My DP sees a child as a bigger tie than marriage. His parents have 7 marriages/5 divorces between them so I can understand fully his lack of faith in marriage.

RingMasterto5 · 06/03/2017 23:13

My now Ex proposed to me by, me cooking a romantic meal, candles and all, and at the end of it he tossed me the ring box and said 'you know what's in It! ' and walked off to refill HIS wine glass (not mine as well).
Probably the most romantic thing he every did!
Took me 12 years to realise it wasn't quite the match I'd hoped for

iamavodkadrinker · 06/03/2017 23:27

Not even a decent effort. Are people seriously taken in by such low quality trolling?

Mermaid67 · 06/03/2017 23:44

He proposed when you were already in bed! Now you'very had a Baby! Who cares how it was done, it's been done in the wrong order anyway. Ring and wedding FIRST!

twattymctwatterson · 06/03/2017 23:50

I've been on my own for almost 5 years and have almost given up on the idea of meeting anyone. Get a grip, you don't know how lucky you are

annfield62 · 07/03/2017 00:14

Congratulations on your baby and congratulations on the proposal however he asked you. Some men just aren't very good at the big gestures or the romantic stuff. It took him all day to pluck up the courage to ask you so this was important to him. You haven't said anything negative about the ring so I'm guessing you like it and that's a big plus. At least your not looking at something on your hand every day that you don't like. Your life's journey together is just beginning and I'm sure you'll make lots of special memories together. You may not think it now but in years to come you'll realise it's not the way he asked you to marry him that's important it's the fact that he did. i wish you and yours lots of love and luck for the future. Xxx

Italiangreyhound · 07/03/2017 00:55

SquidgeyMidgey "ItalianGreyhound, I don't think it's about a race to the bottom. I shared mine to try to help the op to see that not very romantic proposals aren't uncommon and to try to help her see the sweetness in his effort. Mine was fairly naff by Disney standards but meant a lot because he said how he felt. I imagine lots of blokes are terrified at the prospect and simply do the best they can at the time."

It's great you were pleased with your proposal and that it worked for you. I am not sure what Disney has to do with it, I am not sure that proposals figure big in the films, although some do end with a wedding scene!

Does it really take a lot of confidence to ask someone to marry you? I've never done it so no idea. I kind of feel if you want to marry someone you shouldn't find it too hard.

I think lots of people here have told of their very unromantic proposals, I can't remember your story but as I say if it works for you great.

The OP doesn't feel happy with her experience. I do wonder if it is tied in with the miscarriage and also a feeling that he did it in a rush maybe and what that means for him or her.

I think the OP should talk to her finance once she has sorted the baby blues (if she has them) and also maybe do something to remember her lost baby (if not already done yet), e.g. plant a tress in a forest or something. Because I do feel the loss of her baby at the time of the proposal has meant it is fixed badly in her mind.

Maybe it is helpful for the OP to hear other proposals are not romantic. But I guess there are some negative comments like you should count yourself lucky to get married or whatever, and that suggests the OP should just shut up about her concerns.

Italiangreyhound · 07/03/2017 01:01

SquidgeyMidgey I can't find your story of your proposal, I am sure it was good if it worked for you.

crabb · 07/03/2017 01:03

I'm with Italian Greyhound. OP, you feel what you feel, there is no right or wrong to feelings.

So much has happened to you in the last 10 months - a miscarriage, an engagement, a baby. No wonder some parts of life seem strange at the moment.

If you can, I'd spend some time looking inside yourself to see what this feeling of disappointment is telling you, where it's coming from. Not easy with a new baby I know! But it may be significant.

Take care of yourself Flowers.

piggypoo · 07/03/2017 07:51

My DH proposed one night whilst in the bath, he shouted through to me in the kitchen, asking me "Do you fancy getting married then, or what?" I would have hated him to have got down on one knee, in front of a load of gawping idiots, YABU, get over it!

THC63 · 07/03/2017 08:11

In relationships, time has taught me that if you set your expectations in a partner too high, you will often be disappointed.

kurlique · 07/03/2017 08:33

Over the phone for me... "I got the job so you better start looking for a ring I suppose"... or something like that!! He's not known for his romance but we've been together over a quarter of a century so it hasn't been a deal breaker... cheer up you can rib him about it when you are old and grey! Sounds like he was dead nervous... my friend was so nervous he proposed walking along a lane in the dark back from the pub after several pints.., they weren't even on the same side of the road let alone holding hands!!

ProphetOfDoom · 07/03/2017 09:42

He woke you up to tell you he loved you and proposed? Aww that's very endearing & sincere. I like that a lot.

What would you have liked?

Instagram/FB proposals are not my cup of tea but I think it can place a pressure about what the 'ideal' proposal must be like.

Congratulations on your engagement and new baby OP Flowers

florencebabyjo · 07/03/2017 09:53

If he's already admitted it was a bit rubbish, why don't you playfully ask him what he would have done. It might lighten things up for you a bit

AllDaBoats · 07/03/2017 10:18

On one hand i can see why you would be disappointed tbf.

How long have you been together?
Is he usually romantic and considerate etc? this may be a sign of things to come.

Or perhaps he wanted to make it understated as you'd both just suffered a loss and just wanted to show he loves you but didn't feel right making a song and dance as you'd just mc.