To be disappointed with my engagment proposal?

[TinyMackBear4]

I feel so silly writing this. In May last year just after a mc, my other half proposed. But I'm so disappointed in how he done it.
He had been stewing all day to do it (seen the box in his back pocket, pretended not to notice) eventually at 11pm, he woke me up told me he loved me and proposed there. So technically not even down on one knee.
I just feel so underwhelmed by it, I don't even like wearing the ring cause it reminds me of how badly done it was

When did the decision to get married turn into the expectation of a staged, artificially cod-'romantic' affair stage-managed by a nervous-but-masterful man and directed at a simpering, passive woman who also wants to be surprised and dazzled and seethes with disappointment and anger if her requirements for some 'meet cute' thing she can put on Facebook aren't met?

Has it really come down to this?

And these vaguely Victorian ideas make even less sense in 2017 when most couples contemplating marriage have been living together in a committed manner for some time, and often have children together, when marriage is essentially a legal seal to an extant commitment.

I understand, know where you're coming from. My husband (of 15 years) didn't really do it properly either. In bed, jokingly, like on 5 different occasions until I just said one day "alright then" and that was that. No down on one knee, no ring even! (it came later), no trip to venice or sunset on the beach, but hey, its the marriage that counts, not the proposal, but yeah, sometimes I feel a bit done out of that bit!

Yabu. My proposal was after an awful night shift where I didn't stop for 14 hours, not even to drink or pee. My make up was all down my face from crying, snot covered hands and in my animal onesie. Hubs handed me the box with the words "this might cheer you up" and walked off. Didn't actually ask me to marry him till the following day. It's not the act, but the thought and the meaning behind it.

Mine told me that we would get married if the EU citizenship rules changed.

Got to page 2 - OP I don't think YABU. You can't help how you feel and you shouldn't apologise for your hopes. U wanted something better and didn't get it - you are disappointed , and you can't help that.

Personally, I wouldn't have accepted the proposal. I would have told him I loved him and understood he was nervous , but he needs to try again. Many won't agree with that but that's me. The same with my engagement ring. I believe my DP should know me well enough to know what proposal/ring I want. If he doesn't know , then we need more time before getting married. YANBU OP

Congratulations on your new addition OP.

You can wear the ring now. I think 8 months is enough time to get over the disappointment.

Your story is your story - as soon as you start telling it as something magical (which it is) you'll bring yourself around.

My DP proposed in our garden, at 2 in the morning because we were up late drinking wine and the moon was really beautiful. There's a part of me that would have liked a little more planning, but at the end of the day it's such an inherently romantic, wonderful thing to do - you just have to let yourself find the romance in it.

I can see why it matters to you, you probably had a lovely idea how it might happen and it was nothing like it. Disappointing I know. I practically had to tell my husband how to do it because he was so useless! But he made an effort and (with my guidance) the proposal was simple but lovely to remember.

Without sounding harsh you do either need to get over it and try and find the romantic side of it or ask him to do it again and give him some pointers what you'd like but let him bring it all together. But you will always know this was the second proposal so it will never be as special as the first one, no matter how much he did or didn't do :)

YABU

So I proposed to my fiance but I get where you're coming from. After we announced that we were engaged everyone was obsessed with my lack of a ring. (I thought it would be weird to ask someone to marry me then put the engagement ring on my own finger). People went so far as to tell my fiance that he was a bad person for not buying me a ring!

We do seem to have some collective idea of what a proposal 'should' be and when that doesn't happen sometimes we feel let down. I get the impression you wanted to feel like the most important person in his world when he proposed and that didn't come across at the time. That's ok but I think that you have to let it go. Or get him to take you on a minimoon

19 years ago, my engagement ring cost £3 from Charing Cross market, I still cherish it. It's the thought and the meaning, not the how and size/type of ring.

JustifiedSinner not all couples live together or have kids before marriage and some who get engaged have no desire to put the proposal on Facebook. Even if this is what others do.

What some of us want is to feel what happens for us us significant for us. The fact some are happy to be asked in one manner or other doesn't mean we all will.

Abi "It's not the act, but the thought and the meaning behind it." I think this can be relevant here. Does the OP feel confident in his love.

OP that is what I think you may need to feel peace about, his good intentions even if the proposal was not exactly as you would have wanted it.

LittleGwyneth "Your story is your story - as soon as you start telling it as something magical (which it is) you'll bring yourself around."

In one sense I can see you mean this in a positive sense but actually it isn't exactly her story it is how her fiance chose to propose.

The idea we can make it good by telling ourselves it was better than it was is both exciting and, to me, dodgy! Since we can redeam those bits of life we do not like but if we are doing it by lying then is it also damaging? I guess I feel for the OP this is not just about a proposal but about her miscarriage, potentially the baby blues, so much more.

So telling ourselves something we remember as not good is actually good is maybe akin to gaslighting ourselves.

However, rather than saying it is really better than it was - I'd rather say the propsal wasn't great but the engagement was great and the marriage can be wonderful.

The great engagement can redeam the proposal but it can't make something un-romantic magically romoantic! IMHO