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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with my engagment proposal?

288 replies

TinyMackBear4 · 05/03/2017 19:00

I feel so silly writing this. In May last year just after a mc, my other half proposed. But I'm so disappointed in how he done it.
He had been stewing all day to do it (seen the box in his back pocket, pretended not to notice) eventually at 11pm, he woke me up told me he loved me and proposed there. So technically not even down on one knee.
I just feel so underwhelmed by it, I don't even like wearing the ring cause it reminds me of how badly done it was Blush

OP posts:
pudcat · 05/03/2017 19:23

My husband just said shall we get married. No big romantic gesture and we went to get the ring together.

Flowerbombz · 05/03/2017 19:24

I kinda know how you feel OP - my DH proposed whilst the weakest link was on the tele and I only had one shoe one and had just checked into hotel room. We'd gone away for the weekend and he just wanted to get it over with as he was so nervous! Bless him. It wasn't exactly the proposal of my dreams....but he is the man of my dreams and we're happily married. Your DH will do lots of lovely, lovely things you'll never dream of or expect in the time you're together- especially as he becomes a daddy - focus on those instead. Enjoy your new bubba - hormones and sleep deprivation are probably making you overly emotional at the moment, take a deep breath and give some cuddles xx

jamdonut · 05/03/2017 19:24

Weird...
When did proposals become these big ,planned things???
It seems that the act of getting engaged has become super important, I wish I understood why.
My DHs proposal was walking home after going to the pictures, and went along the lines of " Do you think we will ever get married ?" To which I replied " Are you asking me?"
He said "Yes I think I am"
I replied " Ok then!"
We bought a ring together a week or so later. Got married almost 4 years after. We've been married for nearly 27 years.

Just be happy that he DID ask, not the circumstances in which it happened.

MissDemelzaCarne · 05/03/2017 19:25

YANU

I find all this 'down on one knee' crap cringeworthy. There's something creepy about public proposals too.

DH's proposal was spontaneous, we were in bed, (not post coital!) and we'd been married 10 years before he bought me a ring.

I wouldn't change anything and we've been married over 20 years.

1ris · 05/03/2017 19:25

I'm married - no proposal, engagement ring or wedding ring. Just the way I like it.

I can never understand why marriage is actually such a big thing when you've actually given birth. Had a child. Had a child with the man you love. That is SUCH a huge thing.

Marriage is just a formality.

specialsubject · 05/03/2017 19:26

May this be the worst that happens to you.

Mulberry72 · 05/03/2017 19:26

For you OP Biscuit

CoraPirbright · 05/03/2017 19:27

Maybe you can build some extra romantic moments into the wedding and the honeymoon? And then something special on your anniversaries? Then you can have those as special moments to think about....? Maybe worth considering.....

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/03/2017 19:28

Might possibly be able to top that. Long distance relationship, hadn't even met in person yet, having a discussion about ideal proposals. Had just told him for me it would just be being outdoors somewhere (possibly on a beach, but even in a back garden) on a clear night looking up at the stars whilst stood cuddling (so him stood behind me, arms around, me with arms over his) and just putting the ring on my finger.

I didn't have a webcam and neither had mics but he had his webcam on, he just turned it to face the side of his bed, got up, got on one knee in front of it and typed "will you marry me?" on the messenger we were chatting on whilst creepily staring into his camera.

No emotional speech of what i meant to him, that he loved me, wanted to spend rest of our lives together, nothing, just 4 typed words. I didn't even know if he was seriously proposing and i had literally just told him i would absolutely never want to get engaged without having met in person and it being an in person proposal, after having spent significant amount of time together in person. But at the time i thought i loved him and so i said "nothing would make me happier" because i wasn't sure if it was an actual proposal and didn't want to say "yes" just assuming. I spent 30 minutes completely confused if we were actually engaged or not til i had to just outright ask him.

I know now that he never loved me but saw me as a possession and it wasn't anything to do with being so desperate he couldn't wait to ask and instead was almost certainly him undermining me, my wants, feelings etc and a way to exercise control over me to do it the way that he did. He was a very controlling manipulative and abusive person. (emotional, financial and verbally sexual, forcing me to sex chat on an increasingly frequent basis until the point it was the only thing he would talk about, and he blanked me when my mum died because he couldn't make me do it, with lots of threats of actual sexual violence including anal rape once we met in person) He didn't even buy me a ring, i had to buy my own!

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 05/03/2017 19:28

Firstly, congratulations on your engagement!

Secondly, YABU - but you know that really, don't you? The problem is that you build up in your head a picture of how you'd like an event to go, but the reality is often different. Instagram, FB and Pinterest don't help because they all show a very stylised - and highly artificial - way of doing things.

I get that you are disappointed. But the way to try and think about this is to remember that your OH was clearly nervous - it's a big thing for him. He's tried to screw up the courage all day and then finally blurted things out late in the evening. The important thing is that you love each other - try and focus on that.

BTW my DH was 7 vodkas down when he proposed. Ideally I'd have preferred it if he hadn't been rather drunk when he got down on one knee (although props to him for not falling over when he did it). But he said afterwards that he was incredibly nervous and had been trying to get together the courage to ask as he was terrified I'd say 'no'. We've been married for over a decade now. Oh and I didn't like the ring he proposed with - we changed it together.

boolifooli · 05/03/2017 19:28

Ha. I didn't even get a proposal. It was a routine conversation where we spoke about getting married and he said he'd really like to be married to me and I said I would like that to so we decided we would. And then we went to the registry office with witnesses and did it on the sly. Proposals and weddings don't matter. Your relationship trumps all that.

IlsaLund · 05/03/2017 19:29

A friend of mine was proposed to in the romantic way you can imagine - he whisked her away on a surprise weekend to Florence and proposed on one knee on Pont de Vecchio with a beautiful ring he designed himself

DH grunted at me - you'll be finished uni next month, I suppose we should get married.

My friend never got as far as marriage - turns out he was sleeping with someone else.
I'm just about to celebrate my silver wedding anniversary

sparklefarts · 05/03/2017 19:29

Aw I think it's your hormones at play here, ten days after having a baby your bound to be all over the place. I remember suddenly being really upset after having the baby, because I thought the necklace my OH had bought me a while before wasn't pretty and therefore he must have thought I wasn't pretty. Nuts and totally not me.

However, if it isn't your hormones, then yeahhh you just gotta suck it up and appreciate what you have Flowers

Catherinebee85 · 05/03/2017 19:29

I'd kill for a proposal. My boyfriend doesn't 'believe' in marriage. YABU and it's a strange thing to obsess over when you have a new born baby to look after.

Witchend · 05/03/2017 19:30

The most romantic proposal out of all my friends... broke up within 6 months.
They're both happily married to other people now.

mnbvcxzl · 05/03/2017 19:31

Actually 1ris, I disagree. Lots of people have children together who barely even like each other, that is less frequent with marriage (though sham marriages do happen).

troodiedoo · 05/03/2017 19:32

My husband threw the ring box at me and mumbled that he'd got the receipt if I didn't like it. It makes me smile when I think about it. If someone is not a grand gesture sort of person then it takes a lot of courage to put themselves out there like that. Give him some credit, and mention repeatedly how much you love the ring.

boolifooli · 05/03/2017 19:32

Why you have a second proposal where you organise it, run a bath etc.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 05/03/2017 19:32

In the kindest possible way, you're a mother now, you're parents. Congratulations Bear You have much more important things to worry your head about than looking back in disappointment. You should also realise that real life isn't like those scenes on Instagram or people boasting on Face Book.

I've never been proposed to at all in my entire life. I have, however, been with the most wonderful man for forty one years and every single day he does something to make me smile if not laugh out loud and to show me he loves me. We are married, we just didn't see the importance of fuss and partying for other people to see, over a marriage for life. DH is not good at 'romance' he is good though at being a brilliant partner.

The romance of life is in the relationship, not the big gestures Flowers

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/03/2017 19:33

I do personally feel proposals are the kind of thing you only get one go at being "special" to be honest. I love the idea of it being a complete surprise, doesn't have to involve spending money, fancy ring, expensive dinner or anything, but the surprise part and it being intimate emotionally setting wise. (As said for me, looking up at the stars whilst cuddling and having the ring slipped on my finger)
I would hate to find a ring beforehand or have someone else spoil the surprise (accidental or intentional) by letting it out of the bag they'd been talking about proposing or had bought a ring etc.

Loubymoo27 · 05/03/2017 19:34

Completely understand why you feel upset. If you're like me you've dreamed of being proposed to since you were little and felt underwhelmed when the actual proposal happened. I don't think you should feel bad for how you feel. I do think you need to ask why he did it how he did. It sounds like he was very nervous and maybe had to build up the courage to just do it! He wants to marry you and you've just had a baby. You get to plan a wedding the way you both want it. Concentrate on the positives. Congratulations on your engagement and baby Flowers

esmaesmomma · 05/03/2017 19:34

Think yourself lucky I got dragged to Spain and he got down on one knee on the beach in the evening... the sound of the waves and all the romantic lighting from the coast like and I faint sound of Spanish music just totally killed it for me.. Wink

To be honest I wouldn't of cared how he done it I get to marry the man I love!

Chin up OP so many woman out there would kill to be proposed to x

KarmaNoMore · 05/03/2017 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 05/03/2017 19:35

Firstly congratulations on both your engagement & new arrival.
You really need to get a grip though love, life isn't the bullshit you see on tv, FB or stupid fucking instagram, he loved you enough to ask you to marry him, he also loved you enough to create a life together, focus on these things & your relationship rather than a silly ideal proposal that you, & millions of others, didn't get.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 19:37

My engagement ring cost £30 and I was never proposed to. My marriage still counts and it's pretty good too as it goes. Honestly, once you've been married any amount of time you won't care. Probably won't care much about the wedding either tbh. It's not the proposal that ends up being important, it's how happy you are together. It's not important- don't worry about it.

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