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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh spending when we are trying to save!!!!!

260 replies

Nkelly1 · 05/03/2017 16:15

I realise I probably won't get many sympathies here because our income is high but this is really a problem.

So dh earns £60,000 I earn anything from £20,000 to £30,000 depending on what projects go through and am part time.

We are trying to save for two holidays this year our two week summer holiday and a Caribbean cruise for the family to celebrate an anniversary.

Both these holidays we cost £5000 grand plus and the first one is paid for but we have only saved a grand for the second.

So me and dh have decided to cut back and reduce spending.

So we have reduced eating out (used to eat out once a week) and we also reduced the amount we spend on groceries buying things from Sainsbury's rather than buying everything from Marks or Waitrose. Also the amount we spend buying clothes we are quite fond of a label as a family particularly dh and dss.

So yesterday dh took the teens into London and spent £600 on them eating out and buying things. We have the money but we are supposed to be saving.

When I hear other people on here talk about there expenses it makes me feel so ashamed. I spend hundreds of pounds of food shopping the amount of food we get through. Dh won't step foot in any supermarket below Sainsbury's. I don't have a figure on food but even if I did I would be ashamed to post it.

Aibu

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 06/03/2017 12:35

She spends £200 on hair and nails, yes, but he goes to the gym. If he won't give that up, then why should she?
However, it's things like the random £600 spent with little thought on a day out that is causing the issue. That's a reasonable chunk of money that could have gone towards the holiday.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 06/03/2017 12:39

You have no mortgage but fail to save for a holiday. You need to look at your outgoings as you clearly have no idea what they are.

And Tesco is better than Sainsbury's price wise.

EurusHolmesViolin · 06/03/2017 12:42

Hmm, but OP says her hair and nails is £200 a month, with the nails being £40, and DH gym is £160 a month. That does seem a lot for a gym, but it's not as much as OP is spending on appearance/fitness type stuff.

I suppose it's a question of whether the £600 days out or the gym and beauty stuff is more important to them. I still maintain that the coffees should go!

Original poster
Nkelly1 · 06/03/2017 12:54

No one has addressed that I can't control dh spending since he has his own account.

OP posts:
Astoria7974 · 06/03/2017 12:57

If he's prone to overspend then maybe he should have a joint savings account without a debit card that you can control?

BarbaraofSeville · 06/03/2017 12:58

Oh, is it one of those where you just wanted to moan, but can't or won't do anything about it?

These kind of problems, you either have to approach it as a team and both pull in the same direction, or accept that destructive behaviour from both of you makes it that you will either get into debt or miss out on one of your many luxurious treats, in this case the holiday that still needs to be paid for.

hesterton · 06/03/2017 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 06/03/2017 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Megatherium · 06/03/2017 13:05

No one has addressed that I can't control dh spending since he has his own account.

Talk to him about setting up a joint savings account with a standing order paying in for it. Point out to him the need to save for rainy days, your children's university fees and anything else that's relevant, and see if you can reach agreement on at least some of those savings being untouchable till they're needed for whatever event you're saving for.

Lweji · 06/03/2017 13:09

It is very worrying that you have no savings at all.

I have no idea how much you have on your current account, but it looks like at the end of the month you have very little left.

What I'd do would be to set up a standing order to pay X amount (and with your salaries, I'd be looking at at least £500 together) to a savings account that is not touched at all and another amount to a separate savings account for things like holidays.
Both of you would then have to spend only from what is left.

Would he agree to that?

purpleprincess24 · 06/03/2017 13:12

You need to sit down together and go through your monthly outgoings. Firstly go through your outgoing commitments, such as gas, council tax etc. Then list your additional monthly expenses such, as gym membership etc, to see if there are any areas in which you could cut down.

I do however suspect that the above expenses are not an issue and you should easily be able to afford them. It's what's left that burns a hole in both your pockets

Once you know what 'spare' money you have each month, agree to set up a monthly transfer for a set amount per month, which comes out as soon as your salaries hit the bank. Of course you have to trust one another not to dip into this account.

Any reason why you couldn't make this work between you?

Kr1stina · 06/03/2017 13:26

OP , I agree that you have a problem. Several in fact.

  1. You and your H don't agree on money. This is a Serious issue and one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdown
  1. You don't agree on how much of your family income should be spent on his kids
  1. He makes agreements with you and them breaks his word so you can't trust him
  1. You have no savings to speak of ( £2 K is a joke for a couple with your income ) . You should have enough to live off completely for at least 3 months and ideally 6 months.
  1. Neither of you seem to know how much you spend.
  1. He seems to be buying his kids affection . I'm assuming he shares care with their mother so I sincerely hope he's giving her a great deal of money for child support, if he's giving them £200 pocket money
  1. He's not teaching his late teenaged kids the value of money
  1. He has benefited from inheritance himself but he's not got anything saved for his kids to help them with their education /car/deposit on a flat.

For the avoidance of doubt - these things apply for you as you have a good family income. It doesn't apply to all the families who can't afford to pay the bills at the end of the month and who are just scraping by.

BaldricksTrousers · 06/03/2017 13:29

-Skip the second holiday until you can get your savings in line
-Do your grocery shopping online from Tesco or ASDA so you don't have to mix with the commoners and still get ace deals
-If you can't find anyone in your area who doesn't charge under a hunny for a haircut, try going outside of your area
-Do your nails yourself
-Seek professional financial advice and budget planning instead of making shit stirring posts on mumsnet

BaldricksTrousers · 06/03/2017 13:33

Alternately for the haircut, find a poor person in your area whose hair you enjoy. Ask them where they get their hair done.

EurusHolmesViolin · 06/03/2017 13:35

What conversations have the two of you actually had about this OP? You said you are 'supposed' to be saving- when was this decided? How were/are you planning to go about it?

Uni costs someone mentioned upthread and is also a good point. Likely you will need to give them more than the £200 a month mentioned now, although maybe not if their DM is contributing too. Has DH got a plan for this?

Belindabelle · 06/03/2017 13:36

DH and I are late 40's, two children age 19 and 11 with joint monthly income of 5K. I could not sleep if I didn't have savings in the bank.

We all have our non negotiables. For some its organic food, eating out, expensive holidays, latest gadgets, school fees, gym membership, designer clothes, high maintenance hair/nails. I am partial to a few of those myself but they come a far second to saving at least 1K per month.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 06/03/2017 13:41

No one has addressed that I can't control dh spending since he has his own account.

Really?!

Talk to your husband about a budget. What else can you do? If he is such an arrogant, ignorant fucker as to do what he wants regardless, save yourself, and go on holiday without him.

Evereve · 06/03/2017 13:46

How do you get access to his income then, OP? Does he pay some into a joint household account?

BlueKarou · 06/03/2017 13:50

No one has addressed that I can't control dh spending since he has his own account.

Are you reading a different thread, or is it that we're not saying what you want us to say? I shall copy and paste from my previous post;

Just sit down with your husband and a spreadsheet - work out your incomings and outgoings, work out how much you need to save per month. Own your situation. It doesn't matter a jot how much or little you earn. What matters is that you and he agree on how you manage your money, and you stick to it.

If you want us to agree that your husband is solely to blame for your not saving for your holiday, then you're probably going to be waiting a while longer.

jay55 · 06/03/2017 13:52

You're accusing your husband of throwing money away but you don't have a budget or know what you yourself spend money on. You need to sort your own spending out too. You need a rainy day fund of your own.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 06/03/2017 13:53

Aldi can be really good OP. You both need to stop looking down your nose at anything below Sainsbury's.

wickerlampshade · 06/03/2017 13:53

My issue is that dh throws money away.

from a woman who spends two and a half grand a year on hair and nails Grin

our family income is more than yours - I wouldn't dream of spending that much on my appearance!

cut your cloth to suit your needs and wants

ShotsFired · 06/03/2017 13:57

There are ways to save while still feeling like you aren't.

Sure you can go full-throttle sackcloth and ashes, and for some people this will work. OP has said it won't at this time and trying to go cold turkey will have him digging his heels even further in and just be pointless. As I see it, OP basically has to work round this frame of mind and still end up with the desired result - win the war not the battle.

Simple example, holidays. You can get cheaper versions of the same thing, without downgrading a luxury Caribbean trip to a weekend's camping in Rhyl. I am planning a pretty fab trip which will encompass some longhaul flights in upper/business class, a stay at a 5 star luxury hotel and other bits and bobs. We (literally) halved the cost of most elements by being flexible with timings and immediately being able to press the button when the deal we were waiting for came up. It felt pretty good to book the trip knowing we'd massively underpaid for an amazing experience.

Evereve · 06/03/2017 13:58

You both need to stop looking down your nose at anything below Sainsbury's.

That made me laugh. How ridiculous, such faux snobbery. It's no better than any of the other supermarkets. We use Sainsbury's and mix of occasional Aldi/Lidl.

Kr1stina · 06/03/2017 14:28

I earn a lot more than the OP and my favourite food shops are Aldi and Lidl. I use the money I save there ( and elsewhere ) for

Guilt free treats for me
Saving for the kids education
Charity donations

Works for me . No one notices they are eating Aldi carrots rather than Waitrose. But they will notice when they have no debt when they graduate from uni.