To ask if my wedding plans are REALLY enough?

[Isthismummy]

Posted about this before, but really stressing about the fact that friends are STILL trying to get me to add more to the day.

Getting married in Central London in Summer. Registery office wedding at 12.45 and afterwards we will be walking ten minutes to our favourite hotel where we have booked the library for a champagne afternoon tea reception. We have the room for our exclusive use until 20.00 and husband to be and I have a room booked at same hotel for wedding night.

We're only having 18 guests. The plan was that we would have Afternoon Tea etc and people could either stay on until later with us if they wished to drink the cocktail menu dry, or go home if they'd had enough. We just want a low pressure, relaxed day.

However my bridesmaids think it is isn't enough. They originally tried to persuade us to organise a night time do somewhere else. We've now vetoed that idea and now that's changed to booking a table at a restaurant later on in the evening after hotel.

AIBU to be pissed off that they don't seem to think my plans are enough? We've got six hours exclusive use of a beautuful room at a four star hotel ffs! I appreciate some guests are travelling from North East and want to make a day of it, but it's making me feel really stressed and like my plans are inadequate in some way

I'd agree - we had a low key wedding because I didn't want all my family and friends feel like they needed to splash out and spend a fortune for posh clothes and expensive drinks somewhere (my sisters were all me mums juggling little ones)

We got married and had a lunch - then went on somewhere just the two of us - no drama -

I think you've made good choices based on your idea of how you want the day to be - informal relaxed and married -

The bridesmaids can pay for their own lavish do in good time x

Good luck !

can we see the dress?

I had a feeling that was the case. They aren't getting a wedding of their own anytime soon, so are trying to push you for what they would choose given the opportunity.

You do have the right to the wedding you want, and it's not the end of the world if DP's family decide to leave a bit early if they have been present at the ceremony and for some of the time afterwards. You never know, they might be encouraged to stay longer by the unlimited afternoon tea. They have unlimited entertainment and dining options for the rest of the evening when you have retired for your wedding night with DP, and you don't have to feel responsible for them.

what wonderful plans!

Do what you want. If they are your friends they will be happy for you and accept however you want to celebrate.
You should not subsidise someone else's night out. It is not about them. It is about you and your future husband. If they don't like it they can stay at home.
Just remember this is the start of your marriage. You should do what makes you happy. Start as you mean to go on. You don't want the first day of your marriage to be spent pleasing others at the expense of your happiness and plans.
have a great day. I love your idea.

This thread has got way more complicated than it has to be.

When you invite people to witness your wedding ceremony they honour you with their presence and offer their love and support for your relationship.

In return you thank them by providing food and refreshments appropriate to the time of day.

So, 2pm ceremony finishing at 5pm, bit of cake and a cup of tea is fine. Doesn't have to be full blown afternoon tea. These timings do not cover the hours when most people will have lunch or dinner.

All day extravaganza with disco at the end requires more than one meal and quite possibly alcohol . Which you should pay for, not your guests.

If your wedding day lasts from 12noon till 8pm then you do need to offer lunch/afternoon tea and dinner/supper of some sort. If you finish the event before dinner time you don't need to provide dinner.

The reception is a thank you for your guests that have attended your ceremony, many guests choose to thank you in turn for the reception hospitality by providing a wedding gift, and if so you are required to write them a thank you card.

This is what any guide on wedding etiquette will say.

And sorry, "don't start your marriage pleasing other people" really????

These people in OP's case are the 18 people they care about the most in the world. Why wouldn't the couple want to please them?

Funny about wedding etiquette on MN. I was always led to believe you spent the same amount on a gift as what you imagine has been spent in you at the do.

Yet you get posters howling in outrage if they suspect a bride and groom might possibly be expecting some gifts at their wedding.

These are generally the ones who are offended at not having as much alcohol as they want paid for by someone else.

I think any "guides on wedding etiquette" might have passed their use by date, personally.

Gifts are never required and it's considered bad manner to expect them, as in any situation. But at the same time it is social convention to provide them at weddings.

The whole 'cover you plate' thing is silly though. It is the B&G's choice how much to spend on hospitality. Our catering and alcohol bill was around £100 per person, not including venue hire, guest accommodation and entertainment etc. This DID NOT mean guests would spend £200 per couple plus and more for a family. In fact most gifts were around the £50 mark per couple and we loved all of them!!

At the same time I've gifted £100 for an evening do with a cash bar and a bacon roll. Gifts should be based on what the giver wants to give.

Well your wedding was obviously right.

I think it sounds absolutely fine OP. And I'm a big eater and think feeding people at weddings is very important.

For your wedding I would plan on having a late breakfast, then stuff myself at afternoon tea (do make sure it is LARGE!) and then probably slope off at 9pm with DH for a shared pizza or similar small top up meal. Then after that, well pre DC I would have returned to the party at the hotel (hopefully still going) after the top up meal. Post DC I'd probably go to bed afterwards.

The key is being clear to your guests when they will get fed. If people need more food pre/post the wedding they can go find it. As long as you don't mind some (maybe most...) people disappearing in the evening to find more food, I don't think there is any issue.

Sounds lovely. If they want to go for a meal after that's up to them.
My partner, at the time, and I once threw a party for our joint birthdays and had to leave our guests to buy more ice.
We sat in the car park before we got the ice and decided to go out for a drink before we went back.
it's your wedding it's what you and the groom want.

As long as you are happy for people to leave after afternoon tea then fine. Not sure people will hand around until 8. Tea will take max 2 hours.

But do what you want to do!!!!

With respect why is everyone so obsessed with my catering arrangements on this thread? It wasn't started about food. It was started about whether I should organise night time activities ( for which I would obviously provide a buffet if I did)

I'm starting to wonder if people just go to weddings to get fed I'm providing a massive (and bloody expensive) afternoon tea and paying for everybodies booze by putting ££££ behind the bar to cover the costs of everything up until 6pm.

My bridesmaids aren't worried about their stomachs. It's the party finishing too early and me regretting it later that they are worried about.

I've actually been told by some guests that I'm paying for more free booze than they've had at other weddings. I have no idea of course as I haven't been to a wedding since I was 12 and I didn't drink much wine then

We haven't asked for gifts either and we definitely don't expect them. If anything I don't want any. Our flat is tiny and we've nowhere to put them

isthis you said way upthread that what you really wanted to do was to retire to your room with your husband after the tea. As it is, there's no definite 'end' to the day, hence your bridesmaids feeling the need to tack things on (charitable interpretation). If you want to be clear, why not signal that your wedding celebrations have drawn to a close by throwing your bouquet and announcing that your DH has surprised you with an 'a deux' London Eye flight, or similar, then bid them farewell and leave?

It sounds as if it's only the bridesmaids who want to make a night of it, so let them - maybe you could give them show tickets as a bridesmaid thank you gift? By all means give the others a list of places they could eat afterwards, but once you start booking things for them, there'll be an expectation you'll be there and if you definitely don't want that, then you need to be clear.

Well I don't want to retire straight after the tea. We want to retire to the bar for cocktails with those who want to join us That was the original plan anyway.

It's just be hijacked by bridesmaids telling me it's not enough, we need to do more etc. That's what is making me doubt myself and stressing me out. I'm feeling the pressure to do more things to drag the day out

I couldn't throw my bouquet. It's quite an intricate shower bouquet and there would be petals everywhere. Plus I quite want to keep it for when I swan around my flat in later years in my dress like Miss Haversham

Hopefully a Miss Haversham who got married though. Unless my groom leaves me for not providing adequate amounts of catering

Your plans sound absolutely perfect and I would love to be invited to a wedding with afternoon tea, cocktails and then wander off for a meal if we want to. It is your day so make sure you do it exactly the way you want. We had a small do and it was fantastic. Do not be bullied into changing it for other people - if they want to do it differently then do it at their own wedding. Honestly I wish more people did weddings like you!!

So tell them after the tea you and DP will be having cocktails in the bar, that anyone who wants to join can. Equally, anyone who wants to do something else can, but you will be staying put and not going clubbing. As we keep repeating, you are not unreasonable for wanting what you want, and the bridesmaids will just have to like it or lump it. Get your DP to tell them face to face, in order to show a united front on the issue. I doubt they'd try to mess him around.

With respect why is everyone so obsessed with my catering arrangements on this thread? It wasn't started about food. It was started about whether I should organise night time activities

Probably because many of us have bitter memories of weddings where we've gone hungry

Having a wedding where your guests are hungry is a much bigger crime than having a wedding which finishes early - at least in MN opinion

Not sure why this thread is still going. I thought the OP decided to pick somewhere for drinks that also sold food for those who wanted it about 2 pages ago.

You clearly would like an option for staying on with those that want to, it would be sensible for that to include the option for those who want to to eat, but booking a fancy restaurant would be OTT.

Stop stressing about this, just organising it, tell the bridesmaids that it's sorted and moving on. You could perhaps invent a different wedding related crisis to distract them, perhaps your hair. Send three potential styles as whatsapp photos and then pretend to um and ah between them constantly changing your mind in the course of the chat. They will lose the will to talk to you about wedding related issues fairly quickly.

That's a brilliant idea Punjatea I think I need to be more of a brideszilla. I feel people are disappointed in the fact that my main focus is marrying dp.

I might start obsessing over wedding favours. How many sugared almonds to put in the little bet bags might do the trick?

Net bags even!

Favours would be perfect. You could suggest a bridal party pottery course so that they can help you make a perfect likeness of each of the guests.

Just ensure that you do what YOU want to do.

Also, make sure your guests are very clear about the flow of the day. Something on the invites such as -

A and B would be delighted if you could join them for their wedding ceremony at 12pm at X, followed by afternoon tea reception from 2pm - 6pm or whatever time at the Golden Hotel Mayfair.

I think a lot of the issues are being caused by a lack of clarity. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Guests will then know exactly what the reception consists of and the timings, and can sort themselves out after you leave at 6pm or whatever time you decide for yourselves.

When the deadline comes, get off the scene immediately! The guests can do what they like after that.

They will know what to expect, you said it on the invites, and as adults, they are well capable of looking after themselves.

Best of luck and hope you have the most wonderful day. Sounds gorgeous.

Obviously you can have your wedding exactly as you want it, and you're spending a lot of money.

But Minipie isn't wrong - many of us who have attended other people's wedding remember waiting around for hours and being served a pretty yet insubstantial meal. Your guests may well spending a lot of money on travel,hotels, outfits, gifts etc - the costs aren't just one way.

People have made food suggestions because you don't want to extend the evening, so people are putting forward a range of ideas to consider. If you only posted to get a unanimous response saying that everyone is sure to be totally stuffed following afternoon tea, or that everyone will read your mind about exactly when to leave, then it probably won't work like that.