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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my wedding plans are REALLY enough?

509 replies

Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Posted about this before, but really stressing about the fact that friends are STILL trying to get me to add more to the day.

Getting married in Central London in Summer. Registery office wedding at 12.45 and afterwards we will be walking ten minutes to our favourite hotel where we have booked the library for a champagne afternoon tea reception. We have the room for our exclusive use until 20.00 and husband to be and I have a room booked at same hotel for wedding night.

We're only having 18 guests. The plan was that we would have Afternoon Tea etc and people could either stay on until later with us if they wished to drink the cocktail menu dry, or go home if they'd had enough. We just want a low pressure, relaxed day.

However my bridesmaids think it is isn't enough. They originally tried to persuade us to organise a night time do somewhere else. We've now vetoed that idea and now that's changed to booking a table at a restaurant later on in the evening after hotel.

AIBU to be pissed off that they don't seem to think my plans are enough? We've got six hours exclusive use of a beautuful room at a four star hotel ffs! I appreciate some guests are travelling from North East and want to make a day of it, but it's making me feel really stressed and like my plans are inadequate in some waySad

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/03/2017 08:12

Isthis, it sounds fine! It's not a 'main meal' and the time and invitations make that clear. It reads 'Afternoon Tea'. Just stick to your guns! No fucking emails with explanations, suggestions, changing it to yet another fucking buffet, worrying about 'hot' food, etc etc. If people don't like it, they don't have to come. It's central fucking LONDON, there are tons of places for adults to get food, party, get drunk after if they want. Leave them to it, they're adults.

As for the whingers - you don't want people like that there, anyway.

ladymariner · 07/03/2017 08:20

Oh isthis please don't get upset! There are one or two on this thread who appear to have set out to be fecking eejts contrary but they are the minority.
Its like when you book your holiday and see a bad review in among all the good ones, its the one you remember but it shouldn't be! Your wedding sounds wonderful. You've made it clear what is happening, and your guests are adults and, hopefully, able to make their own plans afterwards. Nobody is being forced to come, but they are doing because they want to share your day. Your bridesmaids can do what they like afterwards, their choice, you will be otherwise engaged Smile
Remember you can't please all the people all the time, so put this thread to one side now and try to relax. Your day sounds wonderful xx

stephenisjustcoming · 07/03/2017 08:35

isthis I love weddings like the one you've planned. As a PP upthread mentioned, this is the epitome of the chic London society wedding people had before the occasion mutated into a daylong running buffet with several different feeding opportunities and a disco.

You've invited people to join you between 12.45 and about 6pm to witness, then celebrate your marriage over afternoon tea. You will be feeding them heartily right in the middle of that timetable. What they do before and after is their business.

mollymaid16 · 07/03/2017 08:39

Is this your doing the wedding you want. Just put an end to all the comments by the bridesmaids now and you'll have a great day regardless.

It's not about what random people online think anyway if your family think it's lovely then don't feel negative about it.

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 07/03/2017 08:40

Stick with your decision.

If the bridesmaids go on and on, I'd be inclined to ask them if they are still happy to be bridesmaids. If they ask why then tell them that they don't seem to approve of the wedding which is tough as you have no intention of changing it to please them.

I nearly lumped my Mum because she wanted my little bridesmaid to have flowers in her. Yes, that's lovely but I don't....... She went on and on and on and on and on......... Angry

Eatingcheeseontoast · 07/03/2017 08:45

Sounds lovely, I'd be really excited about going out afterwards but more than capable of sorting that out by myself as long as I knew. Love the sound of posh afternoon tea.

Your guests know the plans. Ask your bridesmaids to organise a meal if they want but you and Dh won't be going.

Peanutandphoenix · 07/03/2017 08:55

Tell your bridesmaids to fuck off in the nicest possible way and gently remind them always the bridesmaid never the bride they can do their weddings their way whenever that happens until then they need to keep their noses out. Your wedding sounds absolutely lovely and I hope you and your hubby to be have a wonderful day congratulations to you both. If your bridesmaids really want to go to a restaurant after then tell them to stick their hands in their own pockets and pay for it themselves otherwise shut up and put up or don't bother coming.

hairymairyfromthedairy · 07/03/2017 08:58

Haven't read the whole thread but your wedding sounds fab to me - I've only had afternoon tea once - I lasted all the the way from a normal breakfast at a normal time & certainly wouldn't have wanted a meal that evening - we stayed overnight in the hotel & I think we managed a bag of crisp in the evening!
We also had a small wedding & I resisted any attempts to alter the plans (dmil) & have never regretted how we did it. Hope you have a lovely day

PixieMiss · 07/03/2017 08:59

You know your guests OP, not us and you know that they will love the afternoon tea Smile

Have you sent the invites? You could include a map of the local area, pubs and bars etc. If you feel the need to include a "hint" of course.

JigglyTuff · 07/03/2017 09:05

Afternoon tea IME is HUGE - honestly, no one is going to fancy a sit down dinner afterwards.

I would be absolutely firm and give them the details of some local restaurants. You don't want to go for a meal in the evening - neither would I! I would just tell them you're going to see how you feel - you may join them, you may not but right now, you're thinking of going back to your room at 8pm. Then if you change your mind - either to have some drinks in the bar or go out for a meal or whatever, then you can.

Whatever you do, don't allow yourselves to be steamrollered into having a wedding that isn't what you want. You will be forever resentful. Honestly - much easier to put your foot down now.

Your day sounds elegant and absolutely perfect :)

girlywhirly · 07/03/2017 09:44

OP, do not let guests or anyone on this thread make you feel negative about what should be a happy and celebratory day. If adults can't organise themselves around the ceremony and the afternoon tea, there's no hope for humanity.

Send your invitations with the required information, and as you say, they can accept or decline; but once the arrangements are in print on the invitations the friends who are being difficult should go with it or stay away. I think the bridesmaids need reminding whose wedding it is.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 07/03/2017 09:56

Thank you everyoneSmile

I think I just really need to take some time to calm down and breathe. I'm swinging between excitement and frankly depression at the idea of people not enjoying the day at the minute.

Although one of my bridesmaids assures me that all brides hate planning their weddings. I'm personally not sure what the point of it all is if that's the caseHmm

OP posts:
stephenisjustcoming · 07/03/2017 10:07

one of my bridesmaids assures me that all brides hate planning their weddings Hmm. How many other brides has she 'helped' with their wedding plans? And might there be a connection between these two facts? Hmm

Housemum · 07/03/2017 10:24

Do what makes YOU happy it's YOUR day. It's unfair of your friends to comment on your choices and rude quite frankly. Our wedding was similar - we had under 20 guests, got married in a quiet rural restaurant and had a meal after. In the evening we went to our hotel, one couple joined us at the bar everyone else went home. One couple commented on how it was one of the loveliest weddings she had been to as t was about is and our vows not a huge event. Enjoy your day x

PrivatePike · 07/03/2017 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TealStar · 07/03/2017 10:31

Oh isthis

You sound so lovely and classy. Can I be your friend and have an invitation to eat lots of cake. Please don't feel down about this. Your wedding sounds perfect. I'm not a big eater either; I'm the type to eat a roast dinner midday and be unable to eat until the the next morning and I can completely see an evening meal after your wedding as overkill. I would far rather drink cocktails for the rest of the evening and maybe then order some chips from the bar at midnight Grin

So many weddings are a blinking circus these days, believe me I've been to so many but yours sounds like a breath of fresh air.

I hope you have a wonderful day, and please don't feel pressure to conform to others' opinions. Flowers

2014newme · 07/03/2017 10:33

I've stayed at that hotel and the afternoon tea was fine. I wouldn't have dinner in the restaurant there I would go elsewhere but the op has said she won't want another meal in the evening anyway.

PrivatePike · 07/03/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halle71 · 07/03/2017 10:53

We did it the opposite way round but just as simple and it was awesome.
We got married in 2015 - DF is sick (Parkinsons) and getting frailer, DH's parents had a visit planned from NZ already so the proposal was in July and the wedding in September.
I didn't want any fuss so we had a family ceremony at a gorgeous Hotel du Vin in SW London (that we could not have afforded for a full wedding) followed by lunch for 13. We then disbanded for a couple of hours for my dad to have a nap and the Kiwi's to watch the World Cup. Meanwhile my friends were decking out our lovely local pub with fairy lights and confetti balloons for the evening party. Another friend DJ'd, the food was lovely, they have a cinema room so the kids watched a movie and when they went home we parties til 2am.
The things that were special to me were not 'weddingy' things - flowers, cake, even the dress. The things that make me smile:

  • My best friend coming from HK for the weekend for such a 'non wedding'.
  • My dad walking me down the aisle
  • 5yr old DD losing the ring when the registrar asked for it and 2 yr old DS trying to marry DD.
  • The kids abandoning lunch to climb trees in the hotel grounds.
  • The quite frankly amazing transformation of our local pub by my friends while we were getting married.
  • Dancing til 2am.
  • Everyone telling us it was the best party ever.

While we did have an evening do, it was just a party in a pub for 50 people. We did it our way and loved it. I also had people who said that I would regret not having a bit day but I could not imagine anything worse for us.
It's your day.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 07/03/2017 11:11

I think it all sounds lovely OP and I would be delighted if we were invited to a wedding like this! (especially if it's the Wonka themed tea Shock Grin)

DH and I would definitely prefer going to a wedding like this rather than an all day and night affair!

MargaretCavendish · 07/03/2017 11:20

I'm swinging between excitement and frankly depression at the idea of people not enjoying the day at the minute.

I felt like this, too, and I wish in hindsight that I'd not worried so much. I don't think our wedding was perfect, and while most guests seemed to enjoy themselves it probably wasn't absolutely everyone's idea of the ideal wedding. I know a couple of people thought we should have spent more. A few years on I couldn't care less: we had a great day, and I have some really lovely memories of it. More importantly, we're married. I know it's easier said than done, but relax and enjoy!

girlywhirly · 07/03/2017 11:20

Isthismummy, your bridesmaid sounds very envious. People who are genuinely pleased for their friend wouldn't say that all brides hate planning their weddings. What an immature generalisation for her to make. Of the brides who do hate the planning, it is usually down to people interfering, or being negative, or trying to take over. Maybe she should consider what sort of friend she is being, because she isn't very supportive.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 07/03/2017 11:27

I'm possibly a bit hormonal but am getting quite teary on your behalf Ithis. Can anyone else who wants to pour cold water on these wedding plans kindly fuck off not do so and remember your manners.

Sounds bloody perfect to me Smile

Original poster
Isthismummy · 07/03/2017 11:39

Thank you TealStar that's very sweet of you.

Privatepike Shall we combine weddings? We sound like we are both totally on the same page.

Halle71 That sounds like the perfect day to me and wedding like enough for anyone Smile I would love to do something like that, but I don't really have anyone who would help out with venue like your wonderful friends did. It would be more stress that I don't feel like I need.

Perhaps my low self esteem is playing a part in all this. I feel like if I had a night do nobody would come (I'm even worried about DP's family buggering off at 5pm for Gods sake!) It's the same low self esteem that's making me feel like I don't have the right to demand what I want on my own wedding day.

Perhaps there is some jealousy at play? I never really think like that because I don't see what I have that anyone could possibly be jealous of. Then again I do have a man who can't wait to marry me, so I should be grateful. Funnily enough the bridesmaids being awkward are unhappily single / in unhappy LTR with a man who refuses to marry her.

Thank you SukeyTakeItOffAgain Please don't cry on my account though Flowers

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 07/03/2017 12:21

Mummy

You just enjoy your day - I know you said that you are sick of the sound of this wedding now, but you will love it and have a magical wonderful wedding and a fab afternoon tea! And please don't forget you promised me a MumsNet Bag of leftovers and I have bought extra tupperware and cleared space in the freezer

Tell Bridesmaids you don't want to do anything in the evening except legally sh*g your new husband senseless relax as a married couple.