Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hasn't put his hand in his pocket for 48 hours

198 replies

Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 08:16

My cousin's son is staying for a long weekend from overseas.
He's a student
I've paid for everything and I'm down about £200.
He hadn't offered to pay for a even a drink.
I feel very guilty moaning about this as I'm remembering when I was 18 and his family paid for me I'm sure.
But I'm really juggling money atm.
I don't want to go out today if I have to fork out more money.
And he was out on a pub crawl with friends last night and got an uber back

OP posts:
RiverdaleJughead · 05/03/2017 15:38

My family expects people to offer to buy drinks or food if they stay if they're earning ( so my sister and her boyfriend) but when you're still students ( me and my boyfriend) it's not expected as they know that one round of drinks could be a weeks food budget to me x next year when we're earning we will be expected to contribute.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 15:38

Oh ok, I wouldn't really be comfortable saying that, unless close friends.

OP posts:
SouthPole · 05/03/2017 15:40

So stop fucking paying.

Jesus wept, woman up, will you?

Originalfoogirl · 05/03/2017 15:42

He's a guest. I wouldn't dream of making a guest pay or being annoyed they didn't offer. And actually, I get really annoyed with the "let me get this" stuff that goes on. I offered to take you out, I'm paying. End of.

My nephew is 19. He often visits and we go out to do stuff. I didn't expect him to pay when he was 9, I don't expect it at 19. My sister pays for all the stuff when she has our girl. It's what family does.

Sounds like you didn't want him here anyway and because of that, you're picking on things to reinforce how you felt about him coming.

EssentialHummus · 05/03/2017 15:44

I think this is sometimes the pattern that both sides can fall into when it's a young adult who still sees you as much more grown up.

I'm 31, and there are some older family members where I still haven't paid for so much as a bloody ice lolly when we go out, because there is some odd long-standing expectation that they pay, and if I try to pay I'm waved away.

He may have had that with some other family member, or just be too shy to enter into what he thinks will be a pantomime "I'll get it", "No I'll get it", "Don't be silly, my treat" etc exchange.

I'm glad you all had a good day out though. It sounds like his hangover will make today more cost-effective Grin.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 15:49

So I should have let him stay home and do nothing, when he said I'm easy. Or dragged him (and ds) around museums, cos they're free. I actually would not do a museum tour with anyone, I think it's an absolute nightmare walking round galleries and museums with people you don't really know, and ds too.

I did say earlier that we just walked yesterday, sightseeing. I didn't choose expensive things.
Money spent has been travel, food and drinks.
Yes takeaway pizza on Friday night.
And a tour on Friday that he wanted to do in the Summer, but it was closed.that was £45 for us both.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 15:51

Yes Hummus, I know a couple of relatives that won't let the grown up kids pay!

OP posts:
happyinherts · 05/03/2017 15:58

Surely if you're hosting a family member, he is entitled to think anything you care to suggest / offer is free of charge?

Secondly, if money is tight, and you're juggling finances, why would you be extravagant only to complain later. Makes no sense to me. I think you're being unnecessarily harsh on the lad. He's probably totally unaware you're this put out about it all.

If you can't afford to host a family member to this level, don't, but equally don't cause an issue if you choose to overspend.

FrancisCrawford · 05/03/2017 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 05/03/2017 16:01

But OP, he hasn't asked or expected ANY of this money from you. He probably just thinks you are very generous. Maybe he even feels awkward because he can't afford to pay, but assumes you can because you are suggesting expensive options like a takeaway? Why not just cook dinner if you can't afford the spend on pizza? It makes no sense.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2017 16:12

He's not a mind reader. He has no idea of your struggles either with anxiety or with money. Please take the lessons you have learned from this experience to manage the next guest visit.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 16:13

Pizza was a treat for ds and his friend who was staying over
I only mentioned the pizza to discount it!

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 05/03/2017 16:14

Why didn't you research oyster costs before topping up so much?
Doesn't your child have a child's oyster? Cheaper tube travel.
If you are skint then why plan expensive activities and food?
You spent £200 because you wanted to. You didn't want to go round museums because you didn't want to. Maybe he did.

teresa2003 · 05/03/2017 16:24

I hate this when some young people seem to have this attitude. My SSs in late twenties/early thirties do this. Whenever in DHs presence whether it be a meal , a coffee , a pint or a snack they always revert to parent child mode and don't even attempt to put their hands in their pockets and it's taken as read that 'daddy' will pay. In fact some feel when any older relatives are present they should pay. It's a very entitled and immature attitude especially as in my SSs case they both have good jobs. But is unfortunately enabled by the adults usually so really you should say 'Oi come on ,your turn,your round ,whatever.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 16:28

We've always just had Oyster cards in the house and top them up as and when needed for ourselves or friends.
We get the card back, nothing wasted, just sign in and out. There's not much difference. He could use £20 in 4 days, but I've put £20 on it, he can pay more,
Ds travels free.
I didn't plan expensive activities.
I asked him what he wanted to do- he never mentioned museums. We went past galleries yesterday, he didn't want to go.

OP posts:
happyinherts · 05/03/2017 16:31

In fairness Teresa2003 the scenario you describe is totally different. Your SSs have good jobs.

We're talking about a student here who is being hosted by someone clearly not cutting the cloth according to the pattern and then moaning about it. Can't compare the two, I'm afraid.

TENSHI · 05/03/2017 16:41

yabu and you are being completely ridiculous.

You knew he was coming. You could have gone to free museums As there are fantastic ones in London.

Before leaving the house you could have have had a make your sandwiches session and he could have brought his own.

You could have given him an empty bottle to fill up with water, squash or whatever from home.

You could have given him a free map of London and told him he was free to explore by himself with his friends.

You could have made him beans on toast or spaghetti when he got back.

Instead of stressing and blaming your hormones you could have planned this so that there was zero extra cost to you.

Yabvvvvvu

southall · 05/03/2017 16:42

Your only obligation is to provide room and board, a warm welcome and your free time. That is all i expect when i am a guest somewhere.

You are under no obligation to spend large amounts of money even if you have been spoilt by his family in the past. That was there choice and pleasure and they shouldn't have done it expecting anything in return.

You are juggling money atm.

Stop the take aways. And you should take a packed lunch on your days out, or buy one from a supermarket while there. If he wanted something hot (mac d's or whatever) he could have bought for himself.

neweymcnewname · 05/03/2017 16:43

OP, you've had your answers on what people think. I guess you haven't been to many museums if you think it would be a compulsory organised tour as a big group (I've never done that, not sure the big long on museums even offer it?). You can't keep insisting your guest forced you to spend lots of money - he didn't, in any way.
You could instead look at the positives - it was a successful day out, you were a good host, and you've picked up some useful pointers on how to manage things a bit more carefully next time to avoid being surprised at how much you spent. Look forward to taking charge next time and planning some economical options. And don't write off museums please - your own children might well enjoy the science and natural history museums!

Andylion · 05/03/2017 16:44

OP, what was the purpose of his visit? Was he coming to see your and your family? To see London? To go out to the pub with his friends? Had you invited him?

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 16:48

I'm certainly not writing off museums. We've done them all thank you. I'm not thinking of museum toursConfused
But not with people you don't know.
And I wouldn't inflict my child on anyone on a museum. He either races through or wants to discuss every single detail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 16:54

Andy-he said he had a week off school and could he come and visit.

He came for a couple of days in the Summer, we had fun. But my sister was here and other v interesting friends. And we were drinking in the garden. Maybe he thought it would be like that!
Not just boring me and annoying ds, desperately trying to make it interesting for him.

OP posts:
teresa2003 · 05/03/2017 16:57

happyinherts fair comment.Though I was presuming that because the OP was put out that he didn't put his hand in his pocket that she thought he had money or his parents had given him enough to contribute now and again. As she said he could afford to go out including expensive transport home etc when he went with his mates. It does sound a bit like he only thinks he should pay his way when out with his mates but not when he's out with 'auntie '. But then again he might not be able to afford both so just accepts anything the OP is willing to pay for to save his money for his own time without her. .

MudCity · 05/03/2017 17:09

If having visitors causes you to be stressed and anxious then you need to tell people you can't have visitors.

However, that means not expecting them to host you as that way obligation starts.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 17:14

I would never expect to stay with anyone now.
I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone except really close family, or maybe my friend who over last year.

We visited his city last year, we spent time with the family at their houses and days out, but we didn't stay there.
I find it way too stressful with ds.

OP posts: