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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hasn't put his hand in his pocket for 48 hours

198 replies

Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 08:16

My cousin's son is staying for a long weekend from overseas.
He's a student
I've paid for everything and I'm down about £200.
He hadn't offered to pay for a even a drink.
I feel very guilty moaning about this as I'm remembering when I was 18 and his family paid for me I'm sure.
But I'm really juggling money atm.
I don't want to go out today if I have to fork out more money.
And he was out on a pub crawl with friends last night and got an uber back

OP posts:
Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 09:40

I don't see myself issuing a blanket "no visitors"
I was just kind of talking out loud!

Yes batteries, sensible post thank you

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 05/03/2017 09:43

TBH they might have felt the same when they were entertaining you but they, like you, disguised it.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 09:44

Very true
If so they certainly disguised it. Lovely people

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/03/2017 09:47

If you've been accepting his family's hospitality for years, it's not unreasonable for you to return the hospitality now. If you're struggling financially, you need to budget accordingly. Take sandwiches and water with you, free sightseeing and free museums etc. If you can't afford to do something, don't do it, but don't be ungracious about it. If he wants to do an expensive activity, there's no harm in saying 'I can't afford for all of us to do that at the moment, but you're welcome to go an do x yourself.' That puts the onus on him to pay for it if he wants to do it, but not just rocking up at the attraction together and then saying it. He's leaving tomorrow so I wouldn't kick up about it now, but treat it as a lesson learned for the future.

Needcourage · 05/03/2017 09:48

YABU.
But I wonder if it's your current financial situation that's put a stress on the situation. If you weren't juggling finances at the moment, you may probably feel differently about it.

I would not expect a student and/or much younger relative visiting me to pay for stuff when out with me.... I actually wouldn't accept it.
Different case if said younger student relative wanted to buy an ice cream for my child or get my child a gift.
I have been hosted by family/friends on many travels to different countries as a student and adult And I have hosted lots too. As a student, i would buy gifts when arriving (usually financed by my parents). And during the visits buy little things for the kids. As an adult, I buy gifts when arriving and would cater for a night out or/and an outing (sometimes the hosts don't accept). But it's the same when they come visiting us. Our families have been doing this for generations.

And also what BillSykesDog said re: your son may not be able to enjoy having family host him as you and your student cousin have enjoyed if you no longer welcome visitors etc

BillSykesDog · 05/03/2017 09:50

I agree about ice cream, I had one last week. Have you tried anti depressants? They help with anxiety too.

Needcourage · 05/03/2017 09:52

Sorry, OP. Just read your update.
I misunderstood. I thought you didn't want to host visitors anymore.
Enjoy your last day with him. I am sure it will be one visit he will always remember for all the fun he had.

Trifleorbust · 05/03/2017 09:55

I can't see how any of this is his fault. This is about your anxiety, which isn't your fault, but please stop blaming him.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 05/03/2017 10:05

I understand where you are coming from as I have anxiety and I am not a lover of having visitors but you need to keep in mind that it's not his fault that you feel this way. Try and enjoy the time you have left as I'm sure once he goes you will be annoyed with yourself for winding yourself up instead of making the most of it

Herschellmum · 05/03/2017 10:08

I can get really stressed hosting, unless it's super good friends it really does overwhelm me a lot, having to be responsible for someone else, their activities and happiness levels, etc. So I totally get that.

The money side, he's male to start, I doubt he would think to offer to pay for anything and if your getting yourself something I would seem natural you would get for him too. Given that his family have done this or more for you over the years then I think you begrudging the money is a little selfish but I also appreciate that if money is tight than it's a much bigger sacrifice on your part.

I think you just have to suck it up, have a nice day and go with the flow if he's leaving tomorrow.

In the future if they ask again just say, he's welcome but money is a little tight at the moment so can't afford to take him places or have treats, but he's more than welcome to crash at yours.

Hugs.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 10:10

Of course it's not his fault
I don't think I said it was.

I'm still urprised that he has stood next to me watching me pay and not offered to pay for anything

OP posts:
CaptainBrickbeard · 05/03/2017 10:13

Would it make you feel any better about his visit if he had bought a couple of ice creams? The problem seems to be that he's there at all more than the money from what you've said. How much difference would it make?

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 10:14

My anxiety is a long story
I tried a few ads years ago, but I don't think I was actually depressed, just stressed from having an abusive H.
Then he died, so gp thought stress and anxiety was down to that.
Now it's defintely menopausal so I'm not sure if hrt is more appropriate.
He just keeps sending me for blood tests
I know I'm going to have to go back and put my foot down, but is hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 10:15

Yeah maybe not Captain

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/03/2017 10:16

Most people of his age aren't yet used to sticking their hand in their pocket. Its student mentality.

If you had said he was 30 and was well established with a home and steady job I'd have said, yup tight wad.

20 and a student. No he's just... well, y know 20 and a student Grin. Didn't we all used to be one of those?

Iamastonished · 05/03/2017 10:19

"I'm still surprised that he has stood next to me watching me pay and not offered to pay for anything

Sorry, but I'm not. He's a student. It just wouldn't occur to him. I think you need to lower your expectations of other people. Hope for the best and expect the worst kind of thing.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 10:21

I think if the thought of having guests reduces you to tears, your only option is to stop having guests. Especially since you clearly resent them. However the downside of this is it would be unfair of you to be a guest of someone else if you don't wish to reciprocate.

The paying is neither here nor there, he didn't pay, he probably doesn't have much money, many twenty year olds don't and the bulk of what you spent was on uou and your son, not him. Does he work or is he a student, unemployed, what's the deal with him?

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 10:22

Oh sorRy, he's a student, then no I wouldn't have expected him to pay,

msrisotto · 05/03/2017 10:25

Is anxietya side effect of the menopause?

Iamastonished · 05/03/2017 10:28

"Is anxiety a side effect of the menopause?"

It might be for people who are prone to it. I don't know. I have been through the menopause and it didn't make me feel anxious.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 05/03/2017 10:33

He may also be on a very very limited budget and knows just offering to pay for one round of drinks will massively eat into that. Because you have suggested whatever activities he may just assume you can afford.it and are happy to pay

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 10:37

"I know lots of 18 year olds who would assume a family friend who suggested a day out was paying. "

I think I would have done as a non-earning student.

Craiconwithit · 05/03/2017 10:38

Sorry you're having such a hard time OP.
It's interesting that you dreaded your friend's visit, acknowledged how well it went but then went back to dreading this visit.
Is it the fear thinking about hosting that's the bigger issue rather than the actual hosting? If so, would you consider seeing a therapist to help you turn it around so that you actively plan and look forward to visits from friends and relatives? It would be a shame to refuse future visitors because of your anxieties which I'm sure could be tackled with a bit of help.
I'm probably wrong but if you'd sat and thought about the visit in advance and actively drew up a list of fun things to do and put some money aside for them, do you think you wouldn't have felt so hassled by it all?
I'm sure you've inadvertently made it more difficult for yourself by hoping he either wouldn't come or just do his own thing for the entire visit, which you deep down knew wasn't likely to happen.
I'm only suggesting this because I used to HATE hosting with a passion. I always felt under scrutiny and desperate to put people off. However, I've managed to turn it around and in the last two years have really enjoyed having visitors. We've moved abroad and live in an area that's a bit touristy so friends and family are keen to visit us. I knew that I'd conquered my fears when I hosted a male friend of my DH's for a whole week!
Previously, when this friend visited us back in the U.K., I used to go out for a few hours and left DH to it as friend was really hard to chat to and I always felt a spare part in my own home. I put a lot of effort into the visit and DH's friend has now become my friend too. He's actually a lovely but very shy divorced man. He had such a good time that he's planning on visiting again this year and I know we'll all have a great time.

MrsTwix · 05/03/2017 10:42

I had this the other way when I was that age. I didn't offer to pay for coffee with boyfriend's mum when she took us both to a cafe. The way I was brought up, my mum would pay for children and friends. My mum would have been super offended if any of my friends or anyone the age of her children offered to pay because it would imply that she wasn't looking after them properly. So I didn't offer because I didn't want to upset his mum, but she thought I was rude not to offer. She didn't say anything and neither did he until much later which just made it worse. I didn't mean it to be rude, it's just a difference in upbringing. He said I should have offered so she could refuse to let me pay which strikes me as a bit bonkers/fake anyway. His family weren't struggling for money if that is relevant.

Anyway, I don't think this is about that really, I think you sound a bit upset generally and maybe you need to go back to your GP. Take care.

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 10:44

Taking a family out in London shouldn't have racked up £200! Why didn't you plan cheap and free stuff? All the museums are free. Travel cards and lunch should have come to half what you paid out.