Hasn't put his hand in his pocket for 48 hours

[Ferrisday]

My cousin's son is staying for a long weekend from overseas.
He's a student
I've paid for everything and I'm down about £200.
He hadn't offered to pay for a even a drink.
I feel very guilty moaning about this as I'm remembering when I was 18 and his family paid for me I'm sure.
But I'm really juggling money atm.
I don't want to go out today if I have to fork out more money.
And he was out on a pub crawl with friends last night and got an uber back

Bless the poor lad, I hope he doesn't pick up on how much you resent him visiting it wouldn't have occurred to me at that age to pay for things either.

Zone 1-6 Travel cards are £12.90 each- would have been cheaper than Oyster OP

But she's also including buying pizza for them all, including her sons friend in that total.

If his family normally pay for everything when you visit then that's what he's used to, and probably hasn't thought about offering. My parents also paid for everything with guests, so that's what I grew up with. As an adult I do offer to pay for things when visiting people, but I don't really expect it when friends visit us.

Sorry about your anxiety. I suffer too and it can be really tough.

joystir - if you do it on touch in / out with debit card or on oyster, it only ever charges you up to a maximum of the travelcard amount anyway, so unless she's (unnecessarily) spending a fiver each to buy 3 new oyster cards in the first place rather than using debit card touch in / out, there's no way you can spend £20 / day on an oyster per person (esp where one of those people is a child)

We have Oyster cards, so I topped it up with £20 for his 4 days here.
He's up
And showered and dressed
Then moved to the big comfy couch, I think he's pretty hungover!

He has plans with his friends, which will be close to us, so I said we might see him later.

I told you about the pizza so we could kinda discount that.

YABU

You have decided to spend that money, not your guest, so you are responsible for it. And you can't hold them responsible for the cost of you and your DC doing those activities as you chose to do them.

He was happy doing nothing and you were the one who suggested the activities so no wonder he assumed you'd be paying. If you suggest going somewhere specific then you are implying you will be hosting. It would be one thing if you'd said "Oh DC and I have plans to go to X this weekend ... do you want to join us, tickets cost £X?" as you could make it clear that he'd have to pay his own way as he'd be joining existing plans and it would be totally OK for him to sit them out, but when you've made plans for his benefit when he's not fussed then you can't hold him liable for the fact you've then had to pay out for everyone.

Also for things like cafes/buying food at street stalls etc if I went with someone and they said "Right I'm going to get coffees, what does everyone want?" or "What would you like?" so that they are the only one ordering it implies they are going to pay for everyone, and I probably wouldn't offer to pay or might offer once we are back at the table if there was an appropriate moment. But there might not be an appropriat moment or he didn't think of it during the event ... but then felt too awkward bringing it up again later.

If you really wanted to make suggestions without implying payment I would have made suggestions but also include pricings couched in "advice terms" eg "Hey, Visitor I know you said you're happy to stay home but if you wanted to go out and about, you can get an Oyster/Travel card, it only costs £X for Y period of time. If you want me to show you just let me know and I'll go with you when you get it", "Hey Visitor, I'm taking DC to . Tickets cost £X, do you want to join us or would you prefer to stay home?"

We certainly don't expect any of his family to pay now.
We're all adults now and all pay our way

Yes but when you were his age they paid did they?

I think you should try ads again at least in the short term to alleviate the anxiety. It sounds like they might not have helped when your ex was alive as you were rationally fearful then while now you're just having generalised anxiety rather than a genuine specific fear. They might tide you over while you wait for HRT anyway.

And when your DS is older they will be expecting to pay for him when he visits...

I really think you need to deal with this anxiety as you may be losing opportunities for your son when he's older if you don't reciprocate now.

There's a really good online CBT course here which helps with anxiety and might be useful for you:

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Perimenopause symptoms

Thanks for that link Bill
I'll take a look

At 18 you didn't pay though your mum gave you money.
A good host doesn't begrudge money spent on their guests.

Craic- thank you for your very thoughtful post.
I don't think my anxiety is limited to guests visiting.
But I can't think of anyone visiting right now that would make me happy.
I just want to be left alone!

Actually had H's oldest friend visit with his family. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but they are fantastic guests, I love their company and they were very self sufficient. Me and ds had one day out with them.

At 18, I saved up for my trip and had my own spending money.
My auntie and uncle would have paid for me if e.g we went out for dinner, but I would have offered somewhere for the smaller stuff.
But also my mum would have given me money to pay for a day/dinner out. She would have told me not to let them pay for everything.

Yabvu, his family have done the same to you, and you can't return the favour. He is just 18, and probably does not realise he has to pay his way. Next time don't have him.

I am I the only one that would offer money ?
"Poor kid"
His 20 not a child.
I personally would of offered the odd drink out an about but by 20 even going out with my mum etc we treated each other or paid for own drinks and never expected anything from one another.
I am a little confused as to why he would not have at least asked to pay his share ( only his share )

It's too much to ask that he pays for a couple of bottles of water or an ice cream?

No but you didn't ask, did you?

Sorry, I was 18 my first trip to his country.
He is 20, and is way more well travelled than I was!

Count- so I should have said "will you pay for these?"!!

And, if my ds goes out with his friends and their parents, I give him money and tell him to pay for an ice cream for them all.( only happened twice)

Yes, if you didn't want to. He's young, and he's from another country. You can't assume he knows that he should offer, in lots of places if you take a guest out it is your responsibility to pay for them.
If he's a nice young man it would have been easy enough to say "your turn to get ice cream, I got the tickets" or whatever.

I seriously have no idea how you managed to spend £200 on one weekend! Although the fact that you are counting in food for you and your son and seemingly your son's friend who also ate pizza does help with the figures. However, it's still a lot of money! Did you order the pizza or just cook supermarket ones? Your visitor said he was easy about doing things so probably would have been quite happy not to go into central London, hence saving you a shedload of money on fares, food and £40 on a tour! If you did feel the need to go into London it shouldn't have cost you more than the fares as there a re loads of free things - sightseeing, shopping, Covent Garden, Camden Market, walking along the Thames, art galleries and museums - which wouldn't have cost anything. If you brought water from home, then there was no need to buy other snacks and ice-creams etc. if you didn't want to spend the money. Nobody ever expired from lack of Coke or a Magnum!

Possibly he should have offered to pay for some things but you did say he was a student, possibly he just didn't have the money? He also was probably thinking that it was nice that you decided to pay for a tour but it wasn't something which he would ever do otherwise so why would he pay for it?