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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hasn't put his hand in his pocket for 48 hours

198 replies

Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 08:16

My cousin's son is staying for a long weekend from overseas.
He's a student
I've paid for everything and I'm down about £200.
He hadn't offered to pay for a even a drink.
I feel very guilty moaning about this as I'm remembering when I was 18 and his family paid for me I'm sure.
But I'm really juggling money atm.
I don't want to go out today if I have to fork out more money.
And he was out on a pub crawl with friends last night and got an uber back

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 05/03/2017 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

228agreenend · 05/03/2017 08:54

So it's not £200 but £60. Unfortunately, all those coffee and cake etc can add up.

BillSykesDog · 05/03/2017 08:56

Is this a reverse? If not I really think you should have picked up on the cues of what would be expected from your family's behaviour towards you in the past.

Judging from what you say, this lad would probably feel if he just came and went as he wanted it would be rude as it's not the done thing in your family and they expect people to spend time with their hosts. Again, learn for next time: if you want them just to treat it like a crash pad rather than a visit to see you be very upfront about this and tell them before they come that you are very busy and they are welcome to come but will be left mainly to their own devices.

theothercatpurred · 05/03/2017 08:57

OK, you need a plan for free / cheap things to do. Or to encourage him to go out on his own.

How long is he here for?

Hopefully today he'll want a lazy sunday and to nurse his hangover!

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 08:57

I sent him links and asked him if there was anything he wanted to do.
He said he'd have a look.
Then said he was easy.

He's ok spending time with us, he has younger cousins too.

When I say drinks, I just been coffees and soft drinks. Food in street markets or cafes.
And I can't really go home to eat when we're out and about.
It does include pizzas on Friday, ds had friend over.
£40 on Oyster cards, £40 for a tour.

I think I'm most annoyed that he hasn't said "oh I'll get these" for anything.

OP posts:
neweymcnewname · 05/03/2017 08:59

YABU. He's family, and only 18. You chose to take him out to a lot of places that cost money - he would probably have no idea of the cost beforehand, and wouldn't dream that you took him despite being short if cash, or that you'd expect him to pay. Even if he asked to go to those specific places, YABU to pay then moan about him afterwards. Unless you KNOW he spent a small fortune out with his mates, his going out isn't really relevant.
As others have said, you should have budgeted what you could afford for family days out, it sounds as is you've just added up what u spent, got a shock, and want to blame someone else :-/

BillSykesDog · 05/03/2017 08:59

But why should he fork out for expensive things you've chosen to do? You could have taken sandwiches!

When you went to stay with his parents did you buy drinks or meals?

pasturesgreen · 05/03/2017 08:59

You're coming across as rather entitled, OP.

It was all right as long as it was his family doing it "for years", not so all right now the shoe is on the other foot?

19lottie82 · 05/03/2017 08:59

He's 18. The thought most likely hasn't crossed his mind to be honest. Especially if his parents pay for everything at home.

Keep your activities more budget friendly for the remainder of his trip (I doubt he will be wanting to do much today anyway from the sounds of it!).

If his family have been your hosts previously I think you need to suck this one up I'm afraid!

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 09:02

You're being hugely unreasonable, and not very nice as well,,, the money was not spent just on him, in fact only a fraction of it was, and you yourself received fhe same from his family. He's only 18 and doubtful has much money. When I take even my daughters friends out with us, I pay for them and wouldn't accept otherwise.

BillSykesDog · 05/03/2017 09:05

I call reverse...

neweymcnewname · 05/03/2017 09:05

It does include pizzas on Friday, ds had friend over.

You are surely having a laugh now! You sent him links to encourage him on places to visit, but he asked for nothing; and you think he should be responsible for costs, including you choosing to get takeaway because DS had a friend over??
Tell him you're having a quiet day, or go for a family walk. Buy some pizzas to heat up when DS has a friend over. And stop blaming this boy for what you chose to do with your money!

hmmwhatatodo · 05/03/2017 09:07

So did you used to say ''I'll get these' to his family when you were 18?

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 09:09

He's 20 btw.
That's why I feel terrible moaning, because his family always make an effort. I said that after people had said he was being unreasonable.
I was crying on Thursday because it was obvious I was going to have to do this.
I was just dreading it, not because of the money. I even asked my sister to come and help me but she couldn't.

We did one activity that cost money, the rest was travel and food and drink. I didn't pick expensive things.

Ds and I have to go into town later, he's not interested in the event, so he might meet up with his friends later.

He's leaving tomorrow.
I do just have to suck it up.

OP posts:
Hellmouth · 05/03/2017 09:11

OP, you are sounding more and more U as this thread goes on.

You chose the activities
The money you spent was for you, him and your DS
But now you want to blame him for spending 200?

You're an adult, take some responsibility.

Plus there are so many free places to go to in London and cheap places to eat. If I was out for a day in London we'd go to one of the many free museums, and lunch would probably be a subway. So you would have spent maximum £20 each day, not including travel.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 09:11

Yes I did offer to pay when I was 18.
My mum insisted and would have given me money specifically.

My family have been hosts to all his family over the years too.

OP posts:
lovetonamechange · 05/03/2017 09:12

Well only one more day bit odd as you've had loads out of his Danish and you suggested to go to these places.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/03/2017 09:12

I think I'm most annoyed that he hasn't said "oh I'll get these" for anything.

Did you ever do this whilst you repeatedly stayed with family?

The fact your DC had friends over for pizza is your issue not your guests!

lovetonamechange · 05/03/2017 09:14

I live in central London. There are plenty of greasy spoon type cafes bagel places etc not touristy places to eat so you made the choice to go to fancy coffee places rather that 80p cup of tea places too.

Hellmouth · 05/03/2017 09:14

He's 20 but a student. Unless you ask, he's probably not going to think of offering. And since you suggested activities, he probably assumed you would pay. You could have asked him what his budget was, or his plans while he was here, or ask if he wanted to split lunch, or ask if he minded paying for drinks.

I think it's too late to moan about it now without causing a problem. You might just need to suck it up.

If you were worried that much about money, then you could have budgeted or looked for free /cheap stuff.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 09:14

So iabu
It's too much to ask that he pays for a couple of bottles of water or an ice cream?

OP posts:
lovetonamechange · 05/03/2017 09:15

Ice cream? It's bloody freezing

hmmwhatatodo · 05/03/2017 09:15

Sounds to me that you just cant be bothered with doing things for other people - but you're quite happy to have stuff done for you.

In future, dont agree to have anyone over, he will surely have picked up on your tension which is why he has said he doesnt want to go out today. Im sure he's wishing its time to leave really soon!

Original poster
Ferrisday · 05/03/2017 09:15

We just walked yesterday, it was just the travel and food and drinks

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 05/03/2017 09:15

Well I'm not bloody surprised he doesn't want to come with you if he feels like you resent everything you're doing as a host.

Why on earth would you have needed your sister to 'help'? Why were you crying on Thursday? Before he even came? Poor lad was never going to do the right thing was he? You just couldn't be arsed and didn't want him there despite being happy to accept hospitality from his family.

Why didn't you take water bottles and sandwiches? Honestly, stop blaming this poor lad for your poor choices. He didn't make you get a takeaway or go on expensive tours. This is your fuck up.