Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

[SuperTrumper]

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

My last comment is in response to superjudger Craigie!

SuperTrumper YANBU or overreacting.

People cannot see when somebody needs reassurance & support instead of put downs and judgements.

Thank you for the supportive comments and for the virtual hugs ImageQueen

I get the whole "10 minutes is nothing" argument but it's not really about the time, it's about taking the easy way out and doing something we had BOTH discussed we don't want to do.

Craigie - And I didn't say that I was the boss. However, I have initiated plenty of conversations to garner his interest in the subject of parenting our child, all I ever get in response is "up to you babe, I trust you, I stand by you". He switches off. so you tell me what right do I have to not lay the foundations of how our baby is parented?

Yanbu op. I'd be furious if my husband left our children to cry. In fact it would make me reassess our relationship.

I'd be really upset and really angry.

10 minutes isn't nothing.

That's not to say that I want a husband who is over-involved in everything to do with the baby either. A guy I used to work with who'd had a baby with his (now ex) wife came in and literally told me the A-Z of breastfeeding and was correcting me on what I can and can't consume while pregnant. He was involved in everything! And no I don't want my DH to be like that, and no I don't want him to help me decide on where we buy DS vests from for example, but I do want him to have an interest in the decisions that matter - e.g. What nursery we put him in to when I go back to work (which I've had to research and sort out myself as DH couldn't leave early to do the visits), or how to deal with DS' lack of milk drinking issues, which he knows troubles me

Sometimes babies cry and scream because they don't know how to sleep. Two minutes screaming of I don't know what to do here followed by the odd whimper is fine. It sounds like your baby was settling by itself which is a great skill to learn. Anything longer than five minutes and I'd be in there singing a lullaby etc too! You've a right to.be cross though as he's used a method you had said you didn't want to use. It worked though so apart from needing an apology (which you've had already), I think the subject of him ignoring your wishes is closed.

Everybody has different opinions on letting babies "cry it out" and this thread seems to have become more about whether it's right/wrong rather than the Mum's Query about irritational.
I was a very young Mum when I had my daughter and was a lone parent from her being 3 months old and I listened to people's advice and decided to use the "cry it out" method. I was fortunate in that my daughter accepted it well and very quickly and before 8 months old was eating three square meals during the day, having Good Night Milk after her bath and sleeping 7pm-7am. That said, when I had my son 2yrs later, he was born with suspected Meningitis and fed every 20 minutes, we also gradually found out that he had multiple disabilities and decided it would not be right for him. He regularly vomited (silently) and went back to sleep without crying because of his problems so stayed in a baby rocker (he was extremely small and only weighed 9kg at 3yrs old) in the Living Room until we went to bed and slept in our bedroom until he passed away at 3.5yrs old (as a result of his condition). I would not have even contemplated doing this with him.
I now have a 6 month old son (who I am probably being overprotective with as a result of losing my son), he has just come out of Hospital with an infection and during examination they found he has a Heart Murmur and a 3cm lump in his abdomen which are going to be checked again in a couple of weeks time. We had anticipated using the "cry it out" method this time, however that is very much dependent on what comes from these investigations.

My daughter is now pretty much 9yrs old, always has been a fantastic sleeper and loves going to bed, even as a toddler, she is in no way traumatised or damaged from using this method and I would not hesitate to recommend it to anyone if they want to use it and also have a perfectly healthy child. Nobody should be shamed for using their own methods but clearly these parents need to communicate better. If the Mother regularly takes control the Father may feel pushed out, ignored or inadequate. I am certainly not one for being soft on men, I believe they should do as much as a Mother and make a conscious effort to get a bond with the child (particularly if the Mother breastfeeds as that is a huge bonding time for Mother and Child) but there is clear issues with communication here. I personally found my ex was unable to make any decisions without his Mother's approval because she had always controlled him, it took a VERY long time to get him away from this and make him realise that our child was OUR child not JUST his Mother's Grandchild and that he was perfectly capable of bringing up a child without her approval on every bit of food or clothing!

Clearly this Father thought he was doing the right thing so I don't think he is at fault, he wasn't intentionally upsetting the Mother. He just maybe needs to get confidence in himself not to have to contact the Mother because clearly he is capable of dealing with the child.

Five of mine had to cry it out - a lot longer than ten minutes. Only child who suffered any consequences was the first who I pandered to. Should have been tougher in hindsight but it's hard with first one.
Anyway - why are you cross with your husband? He has equal rights to determine how he'll parent - particularly as he was in sole charge at the time. You are massively overreacting. He simply proved given the right circumstances babies can settle themselves quite quickly.

SuperTrumper does your dh share your views on baby crying it out?

He said it is up to you, now you've decided is he willing to support you in what you have decided?

If not, can you share some information on it and help him to see your side? I agree cry it out if not great for babies, but one night is not a big issue.

Of course he is a parent too but the best way to parent together is to have the same views and aspirations for the child, and parent together, otherwise it will only get harder.

Here is what strikes me "He didn't take him downstairs like I'd suggested, he said that he rocked him the way I showed him to, that didn't work so he put him into our bed and laid with him but that didn't work, and then I dont think he tried anything else."

So he has phoned you and put a it of a dampener on your night out, can't imagine you've done that to him when he has been out for the night, has he been out for nights, have you called with an update part way through the night?

Now you are back and he's not done a great job and you feel guilty for leaving baby and upset. are you quite sure your dh is not making life harder for you so you will not go out too much and also to make sure you feel suitably contrite upon return? Maybe I am an old cynic but that strikes me that your night out was spoiled a bit by his actions. Why ring you if he is not going to do what you suggested?

We do not know for sure that baby screamed for 2 minutes and settled after 10. Just your dh's view of time!

"I have tried to help him act like a parent. I always try to involve him in things but he just doesn't seem to be as interested and then wonders why he doesn't have as good of a bond as I do.
Even tonight he said "shall I get MiL and SiLs round to help me" - I said "No!!" Because I want him to be a parent rather than just fob him off onto his family while he sits there watching tv!"

So he is not taking it all seriously? I hope you can work this out together, what is right and best and how to work it through together. Can he do bedtimes sometimes when you are home? Get him more involved.

Have you read The no cry sleep solution

I might be being unfair on your dh. I am just a random person on the Internet, feel free to ignore me!

Over thinking it. You should both learn how to manage you will have to if other "gifts" come along x

YANBU. So totally not about whether you approve of cry it out (which this wasn't). I guess you were upset by crap husbanding which leaked over into lazy parenting. He needs to practice a lot more. It is hard for them when babies are small, but at 9 months they recognise him, interact and I'm guessing quite like him most of the time. Its not fair on him or you for him to opt out all the time, because its a bit hard to start with. If he tookmore interest in the things you worry about (milk/eating/nursery/you going back to work/methods of parenting) he would feel more empowered to make decisions about small stuff on his own, and therefore be more confident to cope. It sounds like he's tired after work and not realised the baby is no longer a newborn and has already got to the point of being more interesting. He needs to start bonding now so he doesn't end up with a one or two or thirteen year old who doesn't want to do the fun stuff with him. Its all practice (just like you did/do). My DH was a bit like this, but absolutely loves the (now occasional) nighttime cuddles, bath,book, playing thing as i made him get on with it, but told him what I know works for me and we agreed on what we wouldn't do. If he needs his mum and or sister to show him or help him a couple of times for confidence so be it. But he needs to crack on and learn it.
Does sound like he knows that though, and had a bit of a panic in the evening. Hope you sort it out. And theres been a bit of over-judging on here- you have agreed on a plan and he had a meltdown at what was a smallish thing and just gave up, and you feel let down. No, no harm done to baby, but I would find it difficult to go out again without addressing some of the issues. Make him practice.

I'd be annoyed that my DH, after 9 months of parenting, had to text to ask what to do!!
But also you do have to respect that he is DS's parent too - and he can make his own parenting decisions when he's there and you are not.
2 minutes of crying and 8 whimpering is really no big deal. I think YABU giving him a hard time about it.

I'd have felt exactly the same way OP and I'd have been in tears too!

You say you want support etc and others have said you need the same, you husband needed support last night, what he didn't need was you crying hysterically because he patented slightly different. You come across as quite controlling and everything has to be your way or no way, and I am similar in that respect. However I learnt to put those feelings aside as long as my kids were ok it didn't matter too much how things were done, in fact my partner is great at the morning routines but I'm hopeless and he cracks on with it so well and calm, I'm better at bedtimes etc and when they are sick. We all have different strengths and should work more with those but you seem like you suffocate him and he seems like he almost needs to check with you if he can do something. You completely overreacted and probably have now made it even harder on him if you go out again, you say he's been on his own with the child before and never had issues so why such an overreaction from you this time? The baby wouldn't stop crying or couldn't get settled so he put him in a safe place and went to clear his head in minutes the baby had calmed down, I think he did a great job. My second child (lived in hospital on life support etc for 8 months) cannot be hugged when she is crying, she doesn't like being held or cuddled, she will push away and scream more, I'm worried now at how many people would judge me for basically leaving her to cry and settle while trying to soothe her with my voice every now and again, some babies just need that little bit of complaining before going over, just like a toddler asking to get out of bed etc and when told no will whinge but they soon go over and no harm done. If you can't handle him doing things differently then you take over but don't complain that he isn't doing much as that will have been your own fault.

This article:

www.calmfamily.org/blog/children-and-sleep-a-response-to-panorama

I'll carry on as I am thanks

I would be upset by this too OP. 10 minutes crying is a long time, when you never leave him to cry. Posters who are saying he's in charge so he can do whatever he wants - how does this actually work for you in real life if you disagree on something you feel to be harmful or feel strongly about? For example, I would never smack DS. Neither would DH as it happens, but if he felt ok about smacking (as lots of people do) I would not be ok with him smacking DS when he was in charge of him. So he would have to agree with me on that, or not be in charge of DS. That's not me being controlling, it's me not wanting my child smacked, by anyone, for anything. I never left DS to cry and would have felt the same about that.
He is now a happy, secure toddler who sleeps through the night beautifully. You are not teaching your child 'bad habits' by going to them when they need comforting.
It's also bullshit to say 'maybe he just isn't interested in this bit, he might be better when your son is 2/3/more interesting'. You don't get to opt in to only the bits you like. Or who would ever change a bloody nappy??
He needs to step up in a big way and stop relying on you to deal with all the hard stuff.

if you are that concerned about leaving your baby with the daddy perhaps you shouldn't be going out.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, he's done what he probably thought was best at the time even if it was the wrong choice at the time in your eyes. We're not the same, don't deal with situations the same so yes YABU give him a bit more slack, us women always have our idea how to deal with situations and if it doesn't go to plan don't panic over it. As long as the baby is ok you shouldn't get upset over it.

There will be loads more like this in life so get ready!

Yes, nice article - she also admits that her 4 and 6-year olds are still not sleeping. Poor things must be exhausted if they have been waking up every night for all those years.

NHS says controlled crying is safe and known to effectively reduce infant sleep problems and associated maternal depression
www.nhs.uk/news/2012/09September/Pages/Controlled-crying-safe-for-babies.aspx

super

I totally respect anyone's decision to not sleep train/do CC but it is frustrating when I read articles like that where 'facts' are stated that simply aren't true. She hasn't linked one study and he biggest lie in that article is:

study that measured the stress hormone cortisol found that while the babies were crying, the level of cortisol was high (and it has been suggested at a high enough level to be toxic to the developing brain). When the babies stopped crying, the level of cortisol was measured again. The levels of cortisol were as high as when the babies were crying. They had just stopped vocalising their distress

I did extensive research before I sleep trained and hearing ^ this put me off CC however after I looked in to the study I saw it had been discredited as the conditions the study were conducted in were not suitable. It was basically done in an orphanage (in Romania I think) where children were severely neglected, they didn't just cry when going to sleep they cried continuously throughout the day from hunger, pain from hurting themselves, dirty nappies etc. There sadly wasn't enough volunteers to help run the orphanage efficiently and make sure each child was seen to when they needed to be and of course the children were extremely stressed 24/7. The lady used these children to push her own agenda but was very quickly outed and her work was discredited.

To date, I have not seen any evidence whatsoever that CC (if done correctly and you don't just leave baby to cry for hours and hours night after night) is potentially harmful in any way and the cortisol rising simply isn't true. The most recent study conducted on CC (as far as I'm aware) measured the cortisol levels of children who were being sleep trained and who weren't, there was no difference. They then measured the levels after sleep training so when the sleep trained children were sleeping through and the non sleep trained children were not and again no difference in cortisol levels between either bit obviously one bunch of children who were much better rested!

I'm open minded with this and if I ever did see any scientific evidence that says CC is harmful in anyway I would be willing to change my mind, I'm not militant about it. But I haven't seen anything out there that hasn't been discredited or CIO has been used which is completely different.

Sorry I haven't linked any studies etc that I've referred to but I have a busy morning just wanted to quickly reply! Google is your friend though.

yes, tablets and all-hours kids’ TV probably aren’t helping, but I also feel that it is an easy demon to point the finger at. Parents are tired. They work all day. They need a babysitter so they can get stuff done – and that’s ok. Instead it’s used as another stick to beat parents with, another thing to make them feel guilty about. I used to stay up till all hours reading books when I was younger (my mum has numerous photos of me asleep in bed with a book on my face) – and you didn’t see anyone demanding that my books be taken away

Oh dear just read this properly. So she was flabbergasted that people compared sleep training to vaccinations but then compares reading books to watching tv/using a tablet?! Lol sorry but how can anyone take her seriously? She obviously ignores science and the numerous studies that show watching TV/tablet usage before bed is a bad idea and can affect sleep (in children and adults)..