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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

225 replies

SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 00:33

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 04/03/2017 11:11

Quite a lot of babies cry a bit as they are settling themselves - proper crying for a couple of minutes, then whimpering for a while before falling asleep.

Sounds like your DS, OP Smile

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 11:16

I love how women are meant to just 'get on with it' the minute they bring their newborns home but 'poor men' need coaxing and encouragement and confidence - building. The OP had a rare night out and the lazy shit wanted MIL and SIL to help him out. Not a confidence issue. An idle fucker issue.

itsawonderfulworld · 04/03/2017 11:19

I think he did really well actually! He rocked him gently then managed to get Baby to settle himself in just 10 min, without resorting to bringing him downstairs and waking him up further.

The one thing he shouldn't have done was text you, but it sounds as if you're so strict about your rules that maybe he felt he had to involve you in case he otherwise did the wrong thing?

BertrandRussell · 04/03/2017 11:20

"When my oldest was born in 1993, there was no question about it, three months was the magic point when MOST babies were expected to go through the night. And most in my baby groups did"

Really? My dd was born in 1995 and it was all co sleeping, attachment parenting and Deborah Jackson. I think it all depends on the social circle you're in.

Emboo19 · 04/03/2017 11:20

And I've addressed that Originalfoogirl in fairness my issue wasn't in regards to him or his interactions with our daughter. And it was just one of the things he felt put a barrier between his relationship with our daughter.

limon · 04/03/2017 11:31

Yanbu . Cio. Is cruel and unecessary. Your dh needs to become a better parent.

DameDeDoubtance · 04/03/2017 12:04

I think he sabotaged your evening, you'll think twice about going out now won't you so his work is done.

Chinnygirl · 04/03/2017 12:07

I'd beupset that he can't handle his own kid. You need to go out more.

Beachedwh4le · 04/03/2017 12:11

Why did he even tell you he let him cry? If it was me I would have just told you it was fine and not gone into details

I think you need to stop micro managing his parenting.

pinkish · 04/03/2017 12:19

I would actually be really happy about this. It shows that your baby can self-settle quickly. I'd let your DH deal with the wakings more often.

thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 12:20

Either he was BU for texting you after only a few minutes, or he's minimising and back-tracking like mad by lying telling you it was all done and dusted within 10 minutes to get you to STFU about it now.

I suspect the latter.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2017 12:33

It sounds like he lacks confidence and when he does care for his child as he gets criticised for doing it wrong, he doesn't trust his own instincts and asks. He clearly did try and you sitting crying is such a major over reaction. I'd be scared to look after your child too as I wouldn't want to deal with the aftermath if uou felt i did something wrong.

You're both parents, you need to learn to relax and stop not just telling him he is wrong, but over reacting so much to any small misdemeanour. This way maybe he will build up some confidence and wish to be involved more.

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 12:51

Tonight your DH was not a parent looking after their child. They were a babysitter

And a pretty shitty one at that. It's not about her parenting wishes trumping his, its about him being a lazy fucker who wouldn't make any effort alone when left with the baby. He woke up, your mans reaction is to start texting OP, then just give up and leave him in the cot.

What a load of bollocks about the poor man needing support in his parenting....how about he just gets the fuck on with it like the rest of us?

Onthecouchagain · 04/03/2017 12:51

Ten minutes of crying isn't much at all especially if leads to settling. Relax,

L he didn't do too bad and sounds nervous.

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 12:52

This way maybe he will build up some confidence and wish to be involved more

He may WISH to be involved more? I wasn't aware we could just opt out until we felt more confident and pandered to, is that only for the penis owners or can we all pick and choose when we decide to be involved?

Booshbeesh · 04/03/2017 12:55

I havnt read the whole thread just op. However, u have ur way of parenting u wadnt there so dad done it his way? U have already told us u bo he wont be damaged.by it so what is the issue? U want it done your way all the time stay home and do it all the time. Dh is unreasonable for textin u telling u hes crying on ur night out he should have just got on with it and again for telling u when u come home. Its almost as though he wanted u to no and be upset.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 13:01

CountClueless This, exactly. Some poor first time mother got absolutely flamed on here a few months back for asking how often she should wake her newborn during the night in order to change his nappy, but if a man 'lacks confidence' he must be gently encouraged to 'be a father'. Breaking news! He already IS a father! Get the fuck on with it and let Mum have a break now and again without ruining her night out, guilt tripping her and telling her how distressed baby was. Man the fuck up!

Catherinebee85 · 04/03/2017 13:02

Before your next night out DH needs to be the one that gets up to comfort him. Then when it comes to your next night it will be normal to see daddy when upset. I don't think you're being completely unreasonable. He didn't try different things to settle baby and probably ruined your night out. A babysitter would have tried harder, it's a bit worrying that daddy wouldn't. I can see how he would lack confidence but the only way for him to.improve his confidence is to get stuck in (and be very careful not to criticise/comment on little things he doesn't do the same as you....think of the bigger picture) xx

TedEriksen · 04/03/2017 13:22

Your reaction has pretty much guaranteed that, when you next have a night out and the baby wakes up, your DH will text you, cos he won't want another row and/or crying fit if he does something you disagree with.

When he is left in charge of the baby how he deals with comforting or waking should be up to him.

EmzDisco · 04/03/2017 13:25

I have only read some of the comments, but I would be upset too. All the recent research I've read has led me to believe that it's not good to leave babies to cry to sleep, and my partner knows that. I'd be shocked if he left our DD to cry to sleep alone. For however long it was. on the very few occasions my daughter has been looked after in the evening I ask that whoever is looking after does as you asked, that if they cannot settle her they bring her downstairs and chill with some tv or books and cuddles until I get home. It's much better for her to be awake and know she is safe and someone is there than to cry to sleep alone.

i can't "unknow" the knowledge that leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep is harmful, I wish I could in someways, ignorance is bliss and I'd get more sleep and worry less about leaving her! But now I do know that, I can't ignore it. And I'd be concerned if my partner decided to ignore that, since he know knows it too. I am pretty sure he wouldn't though!

pinkish · 04/03/2017 13:49

There's a big difference between a tiny baby cio and a 9-month-old though. 10 minutes is fine for that age and learning to self-settle is important.

I say that at someone who got up four times a night for years, and has permanently wrecked my sleep in the process.

cathf · 04/03/2017 13:52

The more I read on here, the more I think some parents are completely mad.
Genuine question - is is not the 'done thing' now to put the children top bed and enjoy some adult time alone without them?
If this is now somehow outdated, crack on with your 'chill time' in front of the TV rather than teaching your baby that night time is bed time.
If you would like some time to yourself in the next 12 years, could someone explain to me exactly the thought process that leads to rewarding baby for waking up, and how that will lead to the goal of getting them to sleep?
I know they are 'only little' but a quick peek on the sleep board shows that this is a problem that generally does not go away without intervention, and the earlier you intervene, the better.
Have you any memories of being nine months old? Thought not. I bet you can remember being three though.
I can't think of anything this kind of thing teaches the baby other than mummy/daddy loves them so much they are prepared to drop everything to entertain them, no matter what time of the day or night.
Now, I am sure someone if going to say that this is a good thing that the baby feels so secure, but projecting forward, your baby - who is in no doubt he is the centre of the universe - will soon be a toddler, then a reception child, who is going to get a rude awakening when he realises, after four years of ruling the roost at home, he is not the centre of EVERYONE'S universe. How will he cope? How will you cope?

ShaniaTwang · 04/03/2017 13:52

Yabu and what pinkish said. Hope you're OK op, it's a difficult stage Flowers

cunningartificer · 04/03/2017 13:54

Yanbu. You went out, father nervous texts for advice, then copes and says no worries things are ok, then you're cross about hearing about 2 mins crying that resulted in successful sleeping child? I think you should be a little more resilient unless you want to always be the parent in charge. I'd be happy it was a success, not thinking of scolding him as though he's an ineffective employee. Think how you'd feel if it was the other way around! If you empower him to look after baby you'll have two capable parents instead of one---a good result!

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 14:07

When he is left in charge of the baby how he deals with comforting or waking should be up to him

And if he doesn't deal with comforting him at all, thats also your fault because you haven't properly supported him in managing his transition to being a parent.
Hmm