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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

225 replies

SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 00:33

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 14:10

So am I the only one here not buying the 2mins/10mins line?

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2017 14:11

I have several friends who like OP will not leave child's bedside if the child is still awake and not happy. They spend their entire evenings 'doing bedtime' and 'settling', and end up co-sleeping or sleeping on child's bedroom floor most nights. I'm really not sure if this is really better than 2 minutes of crying.

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 14:18

So am I the only one here not buying the 2mins/10mins line?

Thats how long he admitted to, could have been an hour.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 14:22

octopus Nope. Me neither. Can't bear this pussy-footing around incompetent fathers based on the assumption that women are supposed to know exact what to do from the moment bambino emerges from their fanjos, but men need help and support. She had a rare night out, he made it clear he couldn't/didn't want to help, hence asking for MIL/SIL to come over so he could sit on his lazy arse and watch telly and posters are BLAMING THE OP?! Remind me why this site is called Mumsnet again?

TedEriksen · 04/03/2017 14:22

Thats how long he admitted to, could have been an hour.

Yes, he's a man, therefore he must be lying.

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 14:30

Yes, he's a man, therefore he must be lying

Nothing to do with him being a man, that;s your deal if you're assuming that.
Everything to do with him being a useless parent, which is not sex dependent.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 14:33

Doesn't matter if they are same sex parents - if one isn't pulling their weight and making the other partner feel guilty about a rare night out - that's the issue.

thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 14:33

Yes, he's a man, therefore he must be lying.

Hmm And you've deduced that we're doubting him because of his gender?On what evidence? It's nothing to do with misogyny; just that I simply don't believe the timescales here.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2017 14:36

Clearly she should set him on fire then leave the bastard. How the actual fuck dare he take care of his own kid and seek advice from his wife on her night out. And then to do it wrong!!!

The absolute and utter fucker. 😂😂😂

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 14:37

Nothing like a bit of insane hyperbole to derail a thread!

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 14:38

I do wonder if it was for a lot longer but I'm not going to ask him, I'm just going to forget about
It.

Cath you need to get it out of your head that we are slaves to our babies just because we don't like them crying themselves to sleep ffs. You're painting a picture that you're assuming exists but actually doesn't. My baby goes to sleep between 7 and 8 every night, he falls asleep within 10 minutes. He sometimes stirs between going to sleep and midnight, but that's because his dummy falls out. All I have to do is put the damn thing back in - how onerous(!!) He will then sleep until 6. I'm completely happy with that.
As I have said previously, he woke up last night and cried because when DH went to put his dummy in, I don't think he was expecting to see someone other than me and in his half asleep state, freaked out. Other than that and the teething incident I mentioned it, he doesn't bloody get up to play every single night!!!

Generalising that parents these days are mad because some of us do things differently to the way you did is condescending and completely bull shit. Back in the day they used to sleep babies in drawers and feed them at 3 months - things change!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/03/2017 14:42

I don't think it really matters how long he left the baby to cry. That's not the point. The point her yet again we have a man who doesn't know how to look after his family , and a woman who is enabling him. All this "sounds as if he lacks confidence" bollocks. The baby's 9 months old! He might lack confidence with a new car but after 9 months he'd be bombing up the motorway like a pro.......

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2017 14:47

Generalising that parents these days are mad because some of us do things differently to the way you did is condescending and completely bull shit.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/03/2017 14:47

The point her yet again we have a man who doesn't know how to look after his family , and a woman who is enabling him.

This, entirely this. There are only two things I can think of which are socially acceptable to be bad at - one is maths, the other is men caring for their families.

DH needs to pull his finger out and put some effort in. Its shameful that at 9 months he can't provide basic care for a couple of hours.

Purplebluebird · 04/03/2017 14:51

Yanbu, I would be very upset too.

TedEriksen · 04/03/2017 15:13

I simply don't believe the timescales here.

On what basis have you made that complete guess?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 04/03/2017 15:14

Agree with most other posters here. Bigger issue than leaving a baby to cry for 2 minutes and whimper for 8 Hmm is the fact he hasnt yet worked out how to parent his child and doesnt sound fussed about learning either. There will be resentment and anger and then deep unhappiness in the future, especially if this is not addressed before having another child.

NoMoreAngstPls · 04/03/2017 15:17

When you leave your D.C. with anyone (DH, DM MIL, DSis, babysitter. ..)you are not in a position to control how they manage things. You can try to influence things, but that's about it.

My DH doesn't look after the D.C. in the same way as I do. There is no schedule, meal times are flexible. And the DCs like it for a change.

When my DD was a toddler, she was put for the day with DH. He forgot the bag with emergency spare clothes. DD fell into a giant muddy puddle, clothes wrecked. DH found a local restaurant, wrapped DD up in his jumper, rinsed her clothes in the bathroom sink, put them under the handryer and thenon the radiator, whilst DD had a big hot chocolate and a bag of crisps. She thought it was the best adventure ever and remembers it 8y later!

Would have never happened to me, because I would have had a change clothes with me, and probably would have then dashed straight home to put the soaked clothes in the wash.

There are different ways of coping and parenting!

thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 15:21

On what basis have you made that complete guess?

Who's guessing? I'm just sceptical. It doesn't make sense to me, that's all.

CountClueless · 04/03/2017 15:24

There are different ways of coping and parenting!

And if you ARE actually coping and parenting, then differences are acceptable. It is when you are doing neither, like here, that is the problem.

Not caring is not a different way of caring.

lizzieoak · 04/03/2017 15:30

Haven't rtwt but is there a chance your dh has done this on purpose (consciously or not) to dissuade you from a night out? My best friend (male) recently told me that men purposefully pretend not to be able to do all kinds of household tasks in a useful way so as to force the woman to do it properly.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/03/2017 15:33

If the timings he gave are accurate, I wouldn't say he left the baby to "cry itself to sleep" more that the baby self soothed. Isn't self settling the Holy Grail of parenting?

cathf · 04/03/2017 15:36

Apparently not Breakfast, not if it means baby at any time cries. If baby cries you are a Bad Parent.

MrsDustyBusty · 04/03/2017 15:48

I'm am shocked by the number of people here accusing the OP of basically sabotaging her partner's ability to parent by getting on with it, doing the research and trying to do her best from the day when she didn't have a clue either. Do her job was both to learn to cope with the baby and teach her partner to parent too?

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2017 16:10

But the DH did manage to parent and get the baby to sleep, with minimal fuss. Everything fine. OP was absolutely livid, sat in tears etc because he didn't do it exactly her way.