Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

225 replies

SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 00:33

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 16:34

Katharina - Wrong. Sitting him in front of a washing machine, swinging him in a hammock or singing heavy metal songs to him are not "my way" either, but if he did any of them I wouldn't care - because they're not methods that we've discussed and agreed we wouldn't do in this situation. It's really not hard to understand

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 16:37

Dunno if he 'managed to parent' with 'minimal fuss' - he expected his mother and sister to help him out and then hassled OP on her night, followed by upsetting her on her return by telling her he'd left their baby to cry!

Blossomdeary · 04/03/2017 16:51

I think YABU.

Your way of doing things with the children is not the only way - he has a right to do things his way when he is in charge.

My children used to have a Daddy Day every week - his day off work and mine on. He used to do things his way when he had them - and it was different from my way - but I did not criticise him, nor he me. The children learned that different people have different views on things but can still get along.

10 minutes is neither here nor there and maybe this is the moment for your dc to learn to settle himself to sleep - mine did from the first; and this was because they did not know anything else - it was just what you did. Bed - lots of hugs, songs and rhymes and then you were on your own - end of. It was never a problem. Sorry if I sound hard-hearted, but little ones need to learn that they have to adapt to family life and that it cannot all centre round them.

Maybe you could try your DH being the one who puts him to bed for a while - and you go out for a cup of ea with a neighbour if you think you might be tempted to put your oar in!

He has settled himself once - he can do it again. He just needs to get the hang of the pattern.

You have come home and been really upset by his decisions - that is no way to instill confidence in him when it comes to handling the dc!

cathf · 04/03/2017 17:04

Why does everything need to be researched and discussed in advance? How did you fill your days before baby came? I think you need to get out more op.

HookandSwan · 04/03/2017 17:04

I'm sorry but your DH did the right thing. He's 9 months old, he's safe in his cot and clearly your husband had trouble getting him to settle.

Sometimes baby's get so beside themselves they won't be touched and it's honestly better to let them cry themselves out.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 17:10

I think you need to get out more Er, yeah - that's kind of the point of the thread!

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 17:17

😂😂😂😂😂jingle er I think me going out started this didn't it!?

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 17:19

Yeah who researches or discusses in advance these days? In fact in a few months when I'm going to look for a new car, I'm just going to stroll into the nearest showroom I find and write a cheque for the first car I see. And stuff telling DH about it.
Oh to go back to the 90s

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2017 17:23

OK so from your point of view, you discussed that CIO was not acceptable, and he did it anyway.
According to his point of view, he probably didn't realise you consider a few minutes of crying CIO - most people wouldn't, he wasn't left to scream for hours or anything. Everything was fine, child woke up happy and it is really not likely that he was permanently damaged by this.

But if you want to avoid that the next time your DH will text you about every little thing, it might be a good idea to agree what major items you both consider unacceptable and neither will be doing; but also agree that otherwise he can use his best judgement as a parent.

And then go out more.

pelicanpaul · 04/03/2017 17:28

Why does everything need to be researched and discussed in advance? How did you fill your days before baby came? I think you need to get out more op

Why are you so defensive about your parenting choices? All these long posts about how everyone else is doing it wrong, you did it your way, fine, some of us don't want to shut the door on their screaming 3m old,

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 17:45

This is absolutely my personal opinion and all parents are different - my experience of CIO was bloody stressful for all of us. No one was happy, no one was relaxing and it was miserable all round. Cuddles, story, songs and, at worst baby stays up a bit later and drifts off on my lap - easier and less stressful all round. I have a don't know much about psychology but I imagine mothers are kind of primed to react to their baby's distress, which in turn, triggers their own feelings of distress.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2017 17:56

cathf

My children are somewhat older than yours and sadly didn't sleep through until they were round about 2. I don't think it's anything I did wrong, I think it's how they were.

And if you are new to childcare, surely research isn't a bad thing? You don't suddenly know what to do because you've given birth,

Flowerydems · 04/03/2017 18:12

YABU it was 10 mins. I let the kids cry it out up to about 30 mins before I go up. SIL doesn't and her baby won't settle as well as my lot.

Each to their own but crying it out isn't really that bad, my kids still feel loved

Angela0413 · 04/03/2017 18:13

YABU 10 mins crying is not a big deal. And whoever is looking after baby gets to make the call on what to do. Plus he did actually tell you, he could have lied. Honestly don't see the problem at all. Precious first born I guess???

BastardBloodAndSand · 04/03/2017 18:16

Haven't read previous posts but baby was probably overtired...... not the same as crying it out at all.

My own dd would have a little cry in her cot most nights, she wouldn't tolerate being rocked etc. She just needed a few minutes to regulate herself. He hasn't done anything wrong at all.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 04/03/2017 18:17

I really dislike all this 'precious first born' sneering on MN. So a mother thinks her baby is precious? And she's a dickhead for that and should be mocked? What the fuck?!

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2017 18:20

Well the thing about PFB and crying for 10 minutes is that once you get your Precious Second Born, it will inevitably happen that one or the other has to cry a little, as you can't be there for both of them at the same time. And nothing bad will happen.

pelicanpaul · 04/03/2017 18:25

Well I actually think crying properly for 10 minutes is quite a long time, but the OP said it was 2 mins of crying and 8 mins of whinging which is slightly different.

mumeeee · 05/03/2017 00:17

Cath my eldest is nearly 30 and we definitely didn't have a strict routine. Yes we had a routine but I fed on demand for the first few months and so did a lot of other Mothers I knew. She wasn't sleeping through at 3 months and I didn't expect her to. She was actually still waking quite a lot at 8 months.

Eminado · 05/03/2017 04:42

*I'd be absolutely furious OP...But over the flurry of texts more than anything else. You need to address this now else you'll be chained to the baby forever more if your incompetent DP can't even manage 90 minutes without needing to interrupt your very rare night out.

I wonder how many times you have sent him a flurry of texts about how to settle your baby. I'm guessing none.*

^
This.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/03/2017 04:55

Agree with ItShould. I think the anti PFB brigade are most likely shit parents trying to make themselves feel better for being shit parents.

Also there's no reason baby 2 should be left to cry either. My 2&3 DTs certainly don't get ignored and left alone because I'm a bit busy. Hmm

peukpokicuzo · 05/03/2017 06:25

2 minutes crying then 8 minutes whimpery settling is not crying it out. It's probably a better way to help your baby settle than your usual techniques.

A 2 min cry when it's time to go to sleep is just expressing outloud their complex emotional state because there's now no stimulating interesting things to keep awake for and an overwhelming (and not really understood) sensation of tiredness. Picking up for a cuddle downstairs is exactly the wrong thing to do as it brings back the interesting stimulation.

Not every cry means "I am sad and you need to do something about it" - and sometimes it can mean that but the baby is mistaken. Babies don't understand sleep and don't know that tiredness is turned into non-tiredness by sleep. Sometimes when they shout they are asking for you to take the tiredness away, just like you are able to mysteriously take away other sensations (the ones we call "hungry" and "uncomfortable bottom"). That kind of shouting is best met with a reassuring word from the doorway of their darkened room but no restart to activities.

Tootsiepops · 05/03/2017 07:04

Personally, I think this was your husband's passive aggressive attempt at making you feel bad for going out.

There was absolutely no need for him to text you, and there was no need for him to tell you the baby was left to cry.

What he's actually saying is that he's annoyed that you went out, so he deliberately interrupted your evening, then, when you came home he deliberately told you he'd done something you are very actively against.

KatharinaRosalie · 05/03/2017 07:12

Also there's no reason baby 2 should be left to cry either. My 2&3 DTs certainly don't get ignored and left alone because I'm a bit busy. hmm

Yeah see I still haven't managed to figure out how I should be simultaneously comforting the younger one while I am for example cleaning up the older who has just puked all over his bed in the middle of the night. So the younger will be crying for a few minutes indeed. Shit mum, clearly.

cathf · 05/03/2017 07:33

Shit mum here too katharina. I still don't know where people get their patience from. When mine woke, all I wanted to do was to get them back down asap. Shit mum indeef

Swipe left for the next trending thread