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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

225 replies

SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 00:33

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

OP posts:
sabzii · 04/03/2017 08:52

YABU and controlling. When your DH is on duty it's his decision how he settles him. Leaving a 9 month old to cry for a bit is totally normal and teaches them to self settle. There's a lot of evidence to support CC methods. Personally I think taking baby downstairs or into your bed is counterproductive, when I tried this my DD woke up more frequently, because she was getting a reward!

I know it's hard to let go, but your DH has equal say in how you parent, how you deal with sleep issues etc. If he decides to try something different in your absence (and exhaustion is a good enough reason) that's fair enough.

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 09:08

With all due respect potatosalad if you read my other posts then you will see that's his doing more than mine.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/03/2017 09:12

Why would I search for your other posts? You have presented a scenario here for people to say whether you are you being unreasonable.

No amount of backstory could justify playing hell at someone for two minutes of full on crying followed by 8 minutes of settling down.

So yes I think YABU.

NapQueen · 04/03/2017 09:15

How do you get to a situation where your own child is 9mo and youve never had sole responsibility for them? Never learnt to settle them without having to ask for help?

Is your dh generally hands off or have you prevented him from learning?

Bananamanfan · 04/03/2017 09:19

I think your dh did the right thing to put put the baby safely in his cot when he felt out of control of the situation. I think you should go out more though or start to alternate bedtimes so dh builds that bond.

Trifleorbust · 04/03/2017 09:19

It's really hard, isn't it? My DH isn't used to settling the baby and I admit to getting annoyed when, on one of the few occasions where he does do it, his 'best' seems to equate to saying ssssh a few times and then putting the baby on the bed! I can't help thinking that he shows somewhat more perseverance when the car breaks or he needs to solve a problem at work. Then he is a veritable treasure trove of solutions!

It is because he has you to fall back on as the 'default parent'. The catch 22 is that when you leave, he doesn't change up to actually using a bit of imagination and logic. He just gives up.

Last night we tried the following: dressed my DH in my dressing gown. I stayed in the room while he settled out daughter. I basically 'coached' him in terms of recognising the signals and responding to them. It worked really well and she fell asleep with the bare minimum of crying. But it is hard work, as I think he realises this morning when his arms and back ache and he can't really feel his feet, but our daughter is smiling away happily.

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 09:22

potato - other posts on this thread, not my posting history. Where I have stated that I have tried to get him involved but he has hardly any interest. He has said to me and to his family , albeit in jest, that he wants to take over when "DS is more fun"

And no I haven't prevented him. As per my post last night, he wanted to invite his mum and sisters over to mind the baby when he went out. I said no. If I wanted to prevent him from being a parent, why would I have said no?

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 09:24
  • when I went out, not he
OP posts:
SEsofty · 04/03/2017 09:26

As others have said ten minutes is not crying out. He tried something and it worked.

However, there are clearly lots of other issues around this.

Maybe you could proactively ensure that he has more alone time with the baby. So today you go out for an hour and just leave them to it.

And the same tomorrow etc

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 09:26

Trifle that's exactly it. I felt like he put him in his cot and walked away not because he actually went through a thought process and decided that was best, but because he had given up

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/03/2017 09:27

No more trying to get him involved. He NEEDS to learn how to be a parent. Lots of practise starting from today to get his confidence up.

Joffmognum · 04/03/2017 09:28

I would also be upset. My DP and I have a sort of agreement where if either of us think something's harmful, the other person respects that. I hate to leave baby on his own, so we cosleep. DP hates DS's leather shoes as he thinks they could harm his feet, and wanted us to quit turtle tots 3 weeks in because DS cried. So I've respected those things (we use public sessions at the local pool). Cry-it-out should be a last resort, which it likely wasn't at 9pm. I'd be angry too. Have a talk with your husband about why exactly it upset you so he can better understand you - he might just think it's not a big deal.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/03/2017 09:30

But the end result was the baby was asleep after a mere 10 minutes, and only 2 of those were crying. He apologised to you for texting, you admitted in the cold light of day that you had overreacted. So I am confused as to why you are trying to convince me that your DH is shit.

LisaMed1 · 04/03/2017 09:31

I think what happened last night was that you were told to shut the fuck up, stay at home, behave and be a good girl or your child will be disadvantaged.

EyeStye · 04/03/2017 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackMirror · 04/03/2017 09:37

I think he did you a favour as your ds might be able to self settles quite well now!

thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 09:41

Was it chuff only 10 minutes!!

KitKat1985 · 04/03/2017 09:42

I think you are over-reacting a bit. Cry-it out methods take a lot longer than 10 minutes (and it sounds like it was only 2 minutes that he was actually upset). A lot of babies cry when they are first put down to sleep but settle pretty quickly, and it's actually pretty important for them to learn how to self-settle. There's also a good chance that he was crying because he was tired and was cross at being awake. I imagine if he was asleep within 10 minutes then that seems then he was probably back asleep much quicker than what he would have been if you took him downstairs and start reading him a story, because I imagine if anything that would just wake him up more).

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2017 09:42

So he put DS to his cot and he settled after 2 minutes? I would consider this a brilliant result and would certainly prefer it to hours of bedtime activities. Yes, it might not be your way, but he's a parent too.

IamFriedSpam · 04/03/2017 09:43

I can understand you're feelings if you've decided not to do CIO (and we made the same decision) it's frustrating that your DH has gone back on that. OTOH while not what I'd choose ideally a one off spell of crying for 10 minutes is really no big deal. I'm sure I have failed to wake up for that long when I've been super tired or you could be driving on the motorway and not get to your baby for longer than that so I really don't think this one time is anything to worry about.

BertrandRussell · 04/03/2017 09:45

"Even tonight he said "shall I get MiL and SiLs round to help me" - I said "No!!"

Why not "Up to you, mate. You're in charge, I'm off out!"

ComeOnSpring · 04/03/2017 09:53

I think you are BU. I can understand what its like when you first go out after being in control all the time and setting the rules, but if there are 2 of you, then you need to make learn to parent together.

If you think about it you are treating him more like a nanny/sitter by giving him instructions. He is a parent too. He made a choice while you were out. I think you are overreacting. Next time go out and enjoy it and let him learn how to parent..

mumeeee · 04/03/2017 09:54

YABU. It was only 10 minutes and most of that sounds like it was whimpering not full blown crying. Both parents should work together on parenting so both should make the rules.
Your DH did what he thought he should do and your Ds settled within 10 minutes which is fine. You are overreacting.

Vegansnake · 04/03/2017 09:58

I would feel exactly the same in your shoes,it would put me of leaving baby alone with dad,I would wonder if he had done it on purpose to make sure he wasn't left with full solo responsibility again

pictish · 04/03/2017 10:02

It's not that he needs to parent your way imo, it's that he needs to parent more often. The more he's left in the situation of having to resolve things, the more adept at finding methods he'll become.

I was always advised that when your baby wouldn't stop crying and wouldn't be consoled and you were at the end of your tether, to leave baby safely in the cot and walk away for 10 minutes until you are able to calm down. Leaving your baby crying in the cot is not the worst thing he could have done. He dealt with it.

I believe you when you say he's disinterested and unwilling...but by the same token you do come across as somewhat of an instructor. Maybe you need to find your faith in him figuring it out for himself. x

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