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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

225 replies

SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 00:33

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

OP posts:
Limitededition7inch · 05/03/2017 10:44

In the grand scheme of things 10 minutes of crying it out is not that bad. I'm sure I resorted to that at some point. So don't stress too much and I'm sure your baby will be absolutely fine.

But I would have been pretty annoyed at DH texting me on my night out. Parenting is not a woman's work.

IloveJudgeJudy · 05/03/2017 10:45

OP, I do think UABabitU. Other posters are right, DH is a parent, just like you. You do come across as a bit controlling. My DH parented differently from me; his way was no less valid, though.

In your last post you say bringing DC downstairs at 9pm after he's been put to bed at 7 is not rewarding/stimulating. I beg to differ. I would have tried to settle him upstairs. Giving him contact with you by bringing him downstairs is rewarding him and not allowing him to self-settle which is a skill you should really be trying to help him learn.

Anyway, at least you know DH coped while you went out.

pelicanpaul · 05/03/2017 10:45

I don't understand why you're so upset about people parenting differently to you, basically, you just seem incredibly defensive.

cathf · 05/03/2017 11:55

And I don't understand why you are pursuing it when you have already said upthread you are not interested in anything I have to say. As I said, let's just leave it there.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/03/2017 14:27

"Ah. So you are the only one who gets to parent the baby then. Tonight your DH was not a parent looking after their child. They were a babysitter.
Which isnt really the best way to view your DH is it?"

This. Though I'm sure its both of you that need to change.

At 9 months hubby shouldn't be this anxious about a crying baby and you shouldn't be overruling his parenting choices, when he's in charge, unless he's using chloroform.

This is a really important time for forming attachment. Get hubby doing bed times at least a couple of times a week and doing all the care one night a week.

I'd also agree with the suggestions that never leaving DS to cry a bit will store up problems for the future.

CasperGutman · 05/03/2017 17:50

Taking ten minutes to settle to sleep (of which only two minutes was spent crying) is not "crying it out" by any stretch of my imagination. It's just "going to sleep".

I remember rocking my baby daughter for two sodding hours once, willing her to sleep with every fibre of my being. Eventually I gave up, put her down and she grumbled a bit then went to sleep in less than six minutes. I realised then that there's no point whatsoever in rocking and jiggling an exhausted baby. Trying to stop her crying had, at its core, been selfish on my part. I wanted her to be quiet, but I prevented her from finding sleep. As soon a s I put her down she got to sleep PDQ!

TrinityForce · 05/03/2017 18:15

yes YABU

Let your baby's dad spend some time with him and let him parent the way that works for them.

NewPuppyMum · 05/03/2017 18:22

Is rather pathetic of your H that he couldn't manage his own baby without texting you.

Crying out is a sensitive subject and both parents won't always agree

Bunnyfuller · 05/03/2017 18:24

2 mins crying and 8 mins whimpering??!! I'm amazed either of you react to that! That's not crying it out, that's not running at every squeak! Try doing it more and he will self settle more (and that's still not CIO!)

Loopytiles · 05/03/2017 18:28

I dislike and don't respect fathers like this who can't be arsed to parent babies and say things like they're tired from work, will make more effort when the DC are older. Pathetic.

SusieOwl4 · 05/03/2017 18:39

I was interested in what Cathf said. My sone was born very prematurely in the late 80s and was in hospital for a long time. I could not be with him all the time and the nurses worked to very strict routines . When he was out of the incubator it was 4 hour feeds , change , lay down to sleep . No picking up if crying ( as long as medically he was ok) when he came home he was the best baby you could imagine . I thought when I had my second I would replicate and it would be easy. Unfortunately I did not succeed . She was a real crier and there were times I did leave her to cry although I found it difficult. Turns out eventually they found she had a toungue tie and was not feeding properly. But once she was about 4-5 months she settled and was fine. Then the advice was to go in , don't speak , check nappy etc . Give a quick cuddle then lay back down . It seemed to work. Now having a grandchild to stay is a completely different kettle of fish all together.

EweAreHere · 05/03/2017 18:41

I want to know what would happen if you were injured/ill and ended up in hospital for any length of time? Or had to make an emergency trip to stay with an ill/injured family member? How on earth will your DH cope if you do 90% of the parenting, as you say, and he says he can't cope.

He called you at the first sign of crying on your night out ... he's had 9 months to figure this out!

I'd be worried, frankly, and start forcing him to do more 1 to 1 care of his child.

mumindoghouse · 05/03/2017 18:45

Sorry YABU.

Angelil · 05/03/2017 18:55

Go away for the weekend and let him handle it then. Go on a retreat somewhere rural with no phone signal and enjoy :) I bet when you come back he will have learnt to handle it much better!!

Marymoosmum14 · 05/03/2017 19:13

I think yabu you said he only really cried for 2 minutes the rest was him whimpering settling himself down. If it had ben for 30 minutes full screaming or more I could understand it. Sounds like you are being a bit PFB to me.

PonderLand · 05/03/2017 19:25

My OH was similar to yours, and I was similar to you! The first time my OH was in charge of DS was at 3 months old. I left him for 6 hours, I came back and it was mayhem. He told me he'd been crying for 3 hours and he didn't know what was wrong, asked if I thought we should go to the out of hours doctors etc. Turned out he'd forgotten to feed him! I was mortified! These things happen though and he's never forgotten since.
He bathed him the other night and didn't put him in his bath seat, just held him under his arms (8 months old) baby slipped and he went half under the water and screamed! I think I just need to take a step back from it and allow him to get confident, it's so difficult but I still remember how I felt when my OH went back to work, would of been even worse if he came home and started telling me how I'm not good at parenting etc.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/03/2017 19:27

YABU!
You don't always get to dictate how your child is cared for - dad has a say too. He tried his best.

ImageQueen · 05/03/2017 19:41

Once again, such supportive messages!

I think the real issue is just to reassure there was no suffering involved. A mother feels pain to hear her child has cried and she wasn't there to comfort.
OP I hope you see your child's smiling face and realise this was a reaction to something out of your control... no lasting damage and all will be well. How you choose to parent as a couple is completely your choices and your business.
It was your hurt feelings people should have reacted to and given appropriate reassurance, not judgement and nastiness.
Big hugs. Xx

Craigie · 05/03/2017 19:42

Yep, YABU. 2 mins of actual crying is NOTHING, and it achieved the desired effect. Taking a baby downstairs and reading it stories is unreasonable. Also, you are not the boss in your family. You don't make the rules. It's normal to compromise, try other ways, listen to the other parent's perspective.

Greensmurf1 · 05/03/2017 20:01

I'd be angry and feel betrayed. Crying it out is bad for child development and trust. I'd be upset if I couldn't trust my partner to find a gentle way of calming baby. I'd feel uncomfortable going out & resentful.
My DH couldn't calm our DD the rare night I went out and he was angry that I didn't come back sooner and answer the phone while in the pub or walking home. It was a nightmare. Time passes and we forgive and move on.

Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump · 05/03/2017 20:01

Look, as a positive he's honest with you at least. Calling you was pathetic though and didn't help his cause at all. You have to both remember that he belongs to both of you and you can both parent how you think best. Try not to criticize him- you've chosen to have a baby with him, have a little faith. If someone was criticizing my parenting and telling me I was doing things 'wrong' then I'd probably be walking on eggshells and not know what to do for the best. Bit of fault on both sides, (easy when you are both knackered and stressed) have a good chat and move forward. Remember this is all very new- when you go back to work etc the parenting has to be more 50/50 so you need to be a good team.

Estilou · 05/03/2017 20:46

Wow a lot of people commenting on this must have perfect partners who help out loads and don't work long hours. Maybe bit different for me because I breast feed however my husband is pretty much unable to settle the children. Eldest is 6 now so obviously fine but baby is 14 months. I basically haven't been out in 14 months. He also works late home after 8 so has very little contact. I think your husband did well. He panicked but then sorted it. I don't do cry it out either but 10 mins is nothing I would be fine with that.

masterchef98 · 05/03/2017 21:13

The biggest concern for me would be texting you. I dont agree with leaving babies to cry, but I'm not sure he did. Maybe he felt so inept that he put your tired baby down in his cot for q couple of minutes while he tried to clear his head and work out the next step then he realised your baby was actually starting to settle. Encourage him to find his own ways to settle him but unless you're happy to be bombarded by questions / disasters every time you are away I would be quite positive about this. He did get the baby back to sleep on his own, it might not have been the best strategy but if he strengthens the relationship it will be easier for him next time. Tbh for me as much as I hate cio bringing a baby / kid downstairs after bedtime is worse!

Believeitornot · 05/03/2017 21:19

Was it really only 2 mins of crying and settled within 10 or did he say that hustto reassure you?

I'd be pissed off with the panic texts more than anything.

ImageQueen · 05/03/2017 21:27

Nasty!!
Who are you to judge that 2 mins of crying is nothing!
Who are you to decide what should and shouldn't make somebody feel anxious and upset!
Oh and it sounds to me like THEY had agreed that she was to lead the parenting issues, so who are you to say that's wrong too?

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