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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

225 replies

SuperTrumper · 04/03/2017 00:33

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 05/03/2017 07:44

The timeline makes no sense. Surely when he texted at 9 the baby had been crying for a while? Longer than 10 mins? And it was a while after that that he went to sleep. The 10 mins thing is total bollocks.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 05/03/2017 08:01

Do you think DS really did only cry for 10 mins or do you suspect DH is bending the truth a little?

cathf · 05/03/2017 08:08

Also, can I just say that stating that playing with baby when it's time for him to sleep is not a good idea does not mean I left them to scream for hours when they were tiny

differentnameforthis · 05/03/2017 08:09

The advice to new parents is that if you cannot cope with the baby, put them in a safe place.

You say your dh couldn't cope with his crying, and he couldn't get him to sleep. So your dh did the right thing, imo.

I don't think he did a bad thing by texting you. He was looking for help, and guidance, no different to what you are doing here, no?

mrsmuddlepies · 05/03/2017 08:17

You sound sensible OP apart from your initial wobble. Don't shut you DH out from being a parent, don't be a gatekeeper. Your DH will be fine if you leave him to it and let him follow his instincts. When I went back to work, my husband did 1 day a week childcare and although it was an initial shock that his routine and ways of coping were different to mine, I had the sense to see that he was enjoying looking after them and they enjoyed his attention. Fast forward a few (many years) and they are very close.
I do think it is a danger that some mothers want everything done their way with hovering hands and then complain about the Dad not being involved. It's a bit like a supervisor at work, monitoring an employee into the ground and then wondering why workers keep leaving.

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 05/03/2017 08:20

I think it was longer but I'm not going to ask it. I got a text 15 minutes after the first text saying "panic over" but yesterday morning when we were talking about it, he said that he only text me that because he felt guilty for worrying me.

I don't think he deliberately did it to stop me from going out again, he's always encouraging me to go out, and on the previous times I've gone out, I hadn't heard a peep from him, but on those occasions he had told me baby had stirred but that he was able to self settle. I think he just felt like he lost control this time round.

cath I completely believe and appreciate that. But by the same token, taking baby downstairs doesn't mean shaking a rattle in their face and putting disco lights on

OP posts:
pelicanpaul · 05/03/2017 08:23

Shit mum here too katharina. I still don't know where people get their patience from. When mine woke, all I wanted to do was to get them back down asap. Shit mum indeef

Oh grow up, you're the one who came on here so exasperated and condescending, generally a mum knows their child best and knows sometimes it's best just to reset the situation, take them downstairs for some quiet time and try again a bit later. No one was interested in how YOU do things so not sure why you're getting all passive aggressive now. Why does it annoy you that people do things differently to you?

pelicanpaul · 05/03/2017 08:24

And I'm a bit surprised you think patience is a bad trait in a mother Grin

CPtart · 05/03/2017 08:37

The very fact he suggested bringing MIL/SIL over to help is a worry. Why not FIL/BIL? He obviously sees the slog of baby work as women's work. Address that immediately- you began last night. I agree he must get more involved and be 'left to it' and if baby has a cry, (note both your baby, you said 'my baby' in your OP) the benefits of his involvement are worth it.
Another saying never ever bring baby out of bedroom after they've been put down. Bedtime is for sleep and very minimal interaction, not up and down stairs reading stories. You need to train baby and DH here!

cathf · 05/03/2017 08:46

Pelican, I think we'll leave it there. You obviously can't debate without being unpleasant.

theothercatpurred · 05/03/2017 08:53

YANBU. Yes, a crying baby is hard to deal with, but he simply didn't try hard enough. It's not good enough that he found it difficult so he left your baby to deal with being upset on his own.

It's not fair that he undermined something you feel strongly about (CIO) because he found the baby crying stressful. This was about putting his needs first, not the baby IMO.

Jojobythesea · 05/03/2017 08:53

Cathf, I am with you 100%....

Elendon · 05/03/2017 08:56

Do you know what I'm fed up with excuses made for slack parenting.

I babysat an eight week old baby who was breastfed when I was sixteen. I gave him some water, which he took, burped him and then held and sang to him till he went to sleep, then put him down. I did this as per the instructions from his mum - she had to go to this event. Apparently it was his first sleep throughout the night. I was asked back! Yes, it took up my time, but I wasn't expecting to watch TV and eat crisps all night. (Mind you the experience put me off having a baby for at least a decade.)

If a sixteen year old can look after a baby, then so can an adult.

Original poster
SuperTrumper · 05/03/2017 08:59

But cath - you're not debating. You're putting your views across, ignoring any responses back to you and then getting all passive aggressive if someone says something you don't like

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperTrumper · 05/03/2017 09:01

I think I've responded to most of your points yet you ignore them and go on about your opinion again!

OP posts:
Jojobythesea · 05/03/2017 09:03

it's hardly a faff to take him downstairs at 9pm, it's not like it's 3 in the morning...........

This is irrelevant as your DS has no concept of the time. It needs to at least be consistent and imho minimal stimulation when he wakes.

TeamSteady · 05/03/2017 09:56

YANBU op. I would be upset too. He was being lazy.

cathf · 05/03/2017 10:28

Super, sorry I did not respond directly - I genuinely thought you had enough support on this thread.
I think my frustration comes from a position of bewilderment as an old gimmer - the current advice is so counterintuitive to me, as my generation just wanted our babies to sleep, so everything was geared up to that aim.
I really do not like the attitude now that new mum knows best, and the trials and tribulations of mothers who have been through each stage count for nothing.
There is a lot of anecdotal evidence that children today are more entitled than ever before, so I don't think everything I say is rubbish.
Baby rearing has become a performance art in a way it never used to be which I struggle with, as every little thing seems to be such a drama to be picked over and over-thought ad infinitum. Obviously the internet is to blame for that.
Sorry this post is so long by the way!

StrawberryMummy90 · 05/03/2017 10:31

I agree with you too cath!

StrawberryMummy90 · 05/03/2017 10:31

And I'm not a 90s mum I'm a 2015 mum...

cathf · 05/03/2017 10:32

And one last thought then I will shut up.
This might illustrate my frustration better.
Fast forward 30 years, and you are a grandma to a new baby.
Your daughter or DIL is insisting on a strict routine, CIO and everything that in your opinion is totally against the way you think a baby should he cared for.
She asks your opinion, you give it, only for it to he dismissed as old-fashioned and interfering, as she knows best.
His would you feel?

cathf · 05/03/2017 10:34

How would you feel, obviously!

cathf · 05/03/2017 10:38

Strawberry Grin Shut mums unite!

cathf · 05/03/2017 10:38

Shit mums! This blasted phone!

pelicanpaul · 05/03/2017 10:43

It has nothing to do with age though, many mums now do CIO, I'm 32 and my mum never let me CIO and has never suggested it with my children either. It's just one of many many things people do differently when parenting. The difference is your patronising tone, as if responding to your baby is somehow pathetic or pfb, and most of all that this thread did not involve the OP asking for advice on how to get her baby to sleep better yet you felt the need to come on and write long posts about how wrong anyone who doesn't use CIO is.