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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its perfectly normal and there are many of us out there, who really don't think Sex is all that !!!!

171 replies

OopsDearyMe · 03/03/2017 22:23

I was chatting to my neighbour, she and I were chatting about dating and what she said made so much sense. She had also been talking about this in a group of girls when they went for a coffee.

We have both been married and have children, both have had good and bad sex and are now single. The problem is there seems to be an assumption that as an adult we should want sex and it should be something we are meant to be doing. Feature after feature on TV goes on about spicing up the bedroom, sex is better when you are such and such an age.

AIBU to wish just for once there would be a feature on people who really aren't that fussed if they never had sex again!

And to be fed up trying to find a man who is not obsessed with it!

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 06/03/2017 12:42

If I ever bring up sex with friends most of them admit they aren't doing it very much, don't want to and don't feel like it.
We don't talk about it often but this is the impression I get. I get the impression I have more sex than them and I am in a relationship where we don't live together and can't have sex even every week.
I have quite an intense physical relationship with my BF but at times I have felt conscious that this isn't the most important part, but one important part of many parts

RyanStartedTheFire · 06/03/2017 12:44

Writer I've only ever really been told to wait for the bleeding to stop and as soon as you feel healed. It's a mix of craving and lust. I felt so in love with him in that moment and I wanted to feel close to him and it just happens that sex is one of the ways we feel close. I am a firm believer though that closeness isn't something only achieved through sex. Cuddling, kissing, talking openly and frankly is closeness. We just enjoy the physical pleasure too. We didn't have to, but we both wanted to.

There isn't anything wrong with you in my eyes. You're a different person. You achieve closeness and intimacy in your own ways, just like everyone else does. As long as you are achieving closeness, that's all that matters!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/03/2017 12:44

I enjoy good sex and have had great sex but no longer go along with rubbish sex

But for me sex is different now than when I was younger. I was happy to swing from chandeliers, be the porn star (never dressed up that just isn't my thing) and be the sex kitten. At times I realise now I was at times trying too hard to be irresistible Hmm. Now I don't feel the need to be and I can't be I am not as sexy or as attractive as I was. I have had partners that find me attractive and I can feel it at times but I not fooling myself and can't pretend to feel something I don't anymore. And when I feel pressured to be that wild sexy thing again it's a real turn off and so is a man acting in a similar way it all seems a little desperate

I enjoy sex as much but like it to be calmer now more connected and less let's see how many positions we can do in an hour

Kikikaakaa · 06/03/2017 12:44

Yeah I do get the urge to have sex and it's quite strong when it happens. Not like a blind sex fog but a really big urge. It's def much more intense mid cycle but what really increased it was having to come off hormonal contraception. When I was on that, I felt nothing at all a lot of the time

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/03/2017 12:53

And I don't want to be that women who just goes along with it or keeps a box of naugty play things to keep their partner interested

If that means I stay single where I don't feel the pressure that is fine by me

TerrorTwilight · 06/03/2017 12:59

to keep their partner interested

Again, that's a big assumption. Some people just do really like sex and continue to do so, and never see it as a chore. Those people might really enjoy toys and whatever else.

Sallystyle · 06/03/2017 13:16

Surely it's a completely personal thing though? If I wasn't having sex in six years time I'd be really worried about my marriage and very unhappy. But that's my marriage, so it's no comment on your marriage, as people are taking it.

It is very personal. I have sex, I enjoy sex when we have it, it just isn't a priority any more for me and I could live without it happily enough. I get that others feel differently but what some people don't like is when others tell them they haven't met the right person or had good sex. That is quite patronising. I am 36 year olds, I have enough experience to say that for me it is nothing to do with the men.

My marriage is great but the sex has just died down. We are still as close as ever, we still have intimacy but for me that is as easily reached by having affection and spending time with one another.

So to OP, yes, it is totally normal.

Sallystyle · 06/03/2017 13:18

Again, that's a big assumption. Some people just do really like sex and continue to do so, and never see it as a chore. Those people might really enjoy toys and whatever else.

The poster was talking about herself, not you.

For her, having toys etc would be her just going along with it to keep a man happy. She isn't saying it's the same for anyone else.

RyanStartedTheFire · 06/03/2017 13:19

Apologies if it came off that I was saying if you meet the right person it would change. I was only saying that was what happened for DP and could happen for others, but the emphasis is on the could.
As I said earlier, everyone achieves intimacy in different ways, all ways are acceptable but what we all want is different. No one is right or wrong.

TerrorTwilight · 06/03/2017 13:22

That's certainly not how the use of "I don't want to be that woman who..." came across to me. She seemed to be generalising about women who do have toys etc and assuming their motivation. If that's not how it was intended, I don't think it's unreasonable to have read that into it. But apologies if that wasn't the intention.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/03/2017 13:27

I have been celibate (bar two slip ups with an ex) for 16 years, since I was 30. I don't equate sex and love, to me they are separate.

I would rather stick pins in my eye than have sex again or have a relationship though

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/03/2017 13:30

But I'm funny about being touched by people!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/03/2017 13:40

TerrorTwilight

I was talking about myself

I am not going to get dressed up in an outfit (I don't mind nice lingerie) and I don't particularly like having a piece of plastic shoved up me or rubbed on me I don't find it makes sex better

but I do know many women who do go along with it to keep their partner interested - I don't want to be that woman

and as I said in my previous post I did when I was younger try too hard to be irresistible I am not doing that for anyone again

for me it is the biggest turn off to use props to make sex exciting or to have to put on an act and I find it desperate when a man wants me to act in that way or he does

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/03/2017 13:49

My parents didn't have intimate relations after the birth of my last sibling - mum told me some 20+ years later that was the case. I was a bit Shock at the time, being only in my 20s myself then - but now, I can completely understand it.
Don't know how much it bothered Dad though, and I'm not game enough to ask him!

MorrisZapp · 06/03/2017 13:56

My grandparents had twin beds, then when grandpa started with the emphysema gran booted him permanently to the spare room.

My younger self was aghast at this, my present self dreams of a spare room!

Laiste · 06/03/2017 15:23

Is it something you actually crave and need and you physically can't go two weeks without it?

writer i said 2 week wait as for me that's about the amount of time it takes my heavy bleeding to stop after birth. (As far as i know 'they' don't actually give a specific amount of time to wait any more. It used to be wait till the 6 week check up when they could see you and get you back on contraception IIRC)

Why do i want to have sex so soon? Well, lots of reasons:

  • by 2 weeks in i find i'm desperate to have a bit of normal pleasurable adult relations and interaction other than baby stuff. Normal for me is having a sex drive and having sex with DH so 2 weeks feels like ages.
  • also yes it's lust. I see his body and i smell him and i crave it.
  • sex is relaxing for me. An escape.
  • it feels good.
  • AND now i think about it, seeing him cradle and care for the new baby makes me go all gooey and my love for him surges. So ... it makes me want to be close.

We don't go at it hammer and tongs the first few times obvs Grin

TFPsa · 06/03/2017 20:31

It's certainly absurd the late twentieth century's western society flip in such a short space of time from pressuring women into being somehow 'proper' to pressuring them into swinging off the chandeliers at all hours. Societal pressure is so prevalent that I expect it's more or less impossible for most of us to genuinely unpick what we'd actually want if we were free from it. I strongly encourage everyone to try and let others make their own way as far as possible, the expectations placed on us are hard enough without letting them invade even our bedrooms.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 06/03/2017 21:04

Sex is one of the best things in life (good sex that is) unfortunately DH thinks a quick shag once a month is ok (and I feel this is just done out of duty). Each to their own we don't all have to be the same but mismatched sex drives is shit

wantmorenow · 06/03/2017 23:27

Love sex, prefer a night of fucking to going out, watching a great film or even a fillet steak! Have gone 3 years and 2 years celibate as would rather be celibate than have intermittent sex as getting used to having sex then not having any really made me miss it more than anything.

Not everyone's priority but it is mine. Luckily have found the right man who is able to give me hours of intense physical pleasure each week. He has a high sex drive and enjoys pleasing me. Maybe it will be less important as we age but our sex games have included some role play, unusual sex stuff and swinging. It's all been fun and I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to fully explore sex in a wider sense. All good. I'm normal and so is my best friend who hasn't had sex in over 10 years, does not miss it and probably will never do so again.
I know about her sex life; she knows nothing about mine. She wouldn't get it and I couldn't explain it.

BertieBotts · 07/03/2017 03:17

I don't think that the "with the wrong man" thing is a myth, nor is it unhelpful. I think it's incredibly important. So many heterosexual men are shit at sex (and relationships in general, to be fair) because our standards are incredibly low. Yes, please continue to challenge this because it's awful and many women are being short changed.

That said, it's not true that if you're not gagging for sex at all times it definitely means you're not having good enough sex. The sex everyone has should really be excellent, but that doesn't mean that it has to be spectacular or involve all kinds of complicated things, and nor does it mean that everyone is going to feel the same way about it.

I don't think that's so hard to understand. Of course we are all different.

BertieBotts · 07/03/2017 03:24

Interestingly enough on the massage comment - no, can't stand massages, horrible tickly things.

I do like being physically close to a partner, cuddling, kissing, holding hands.

(I'm a low sex drive one who enjoys good sex when it happens but doesn't have the urge very often at all).

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