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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its perfectly normal and there are many of us out there, who really don't think Sex is all that !!!!

171 replies

OopsDearyMe · 03/03/2017 22:23

I was chatting to my neighbour, she and I were chatting about dating and what she said made so much sense. She had also been talking about this in a group of girls when they went for a coffee.

We have both been married and have children, both have had good and bad sex and are now single. The problem is there seems to be an assumption that as an adult we should want sex and it should be something we are meant to be doing. Feature after feature on TV goes on about spicing up the bedroom, sex is better when you are such and such an age.

AIBU to wish just for once there would be a feature on people who really aren't that fussed if they never had sex again!

And to be fed up trying to find a man who is not obsessed with it!

OP posts:
organixeveryday · 05/03/2017 02:03

Also on no contraception but do have a lot of life stress. I actually think (prepares to be flamed) that as DP is the first guy to accept that I don't always want to have sex (tired,illl etc) then it's made me lazy and more often saying no!

SaucyJack · 05/03/2017 02:49

They are indeed my words Spartacus. I'm very fond of talking about the wants of our Lord and saviour after a few ciders. Do with them as you choose.

Also- as far as the wrong bloke thing goes; I'm definitely with the right bloke- we just have the wrong amount of children.

We love our sofa. And our cat.

Birdsgottaf1y · 05/03/2017 02:50

""75% of women do not orgasm during PIV. Those who do have an anatomy where their clitoris is closer to their vagina than the average.""

Sex is more than the orgasm, though.

There's been times that PIV, for various reasons, hasn't been possible.

The rest may have been brilliant, but it's still been missed.

That's down to personal taste, though.

Mittensonastring · 05/03/2017 03:09

Is it mainly psychological though? we were raised to celebrate sex and desire, I had an unusual upbringing with a Mother that was very open about sex. This is in the 1970's.

Post menopausal both myself and two of my sisters agree that the fact we can't get pregnant any more has improved further how we feel about sex even more.

ElizaDontlittle · 05/03/2017 03:26

To go back to the OP - I think when you are looking for a new romantic relationship but want to find someone who is interested in you but doesn't want sex - that I don't quite understand I'm afraid. What's wrong with being single in that case, and spending your time developing and investing in your friendships?

SallyVating · 05/03/2017 03:40

Nah I think I'm done with all that sex business.

I've had several partners and all turned out to be crap shags after the initial trying to impress period.

I'm happy having my bed to myself and I don't miss sex one bit. I'm mid 40s if that's relevant

ohgoonthenjustonemore · 05/03/2017 13:00

I'm always far too tired these days ! However if Tom Hardy were to come knocking on my door I think I could definitely be persuaded 😉

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 05/03/2017 13:19

Nope, it could be anyone knocking at the door and I don't think I'd fancy it.

ImGonnaSingTheDoomSongNow · 05/03/2017 13:29

I've had periods in my life where I've not been bothered about sex at all. The ehole time I was breastfeeding DD I had literally no sex drive. My OH was very patient and didn't pester and we revived our very good sex life after but it took work and understanding.
Sex is important to me and in previous relationships I have known that the relationship wasn't going anywhere due to the lack of sexual connection.

From my experience definitely the less I have the less I want and these days particularly I need the day to day affection and sexiness without expectation in order to be in the mood. Whereas when I was younger I pretty much was horny all the time!
For me how good my partner is definitely also influences how much I want sex and if a guy is pestering all the time and just wanting to go straight to PIV it's a real turn off and makes me never want to do it as it's not good for me.

I can't imagine never wanting it ever again in my whole life though.

Fireandflames666 · 05/03/2017 13:33

I've only slept with one person (exp) and i feel as though sex is overrating as well. I also agree it's probably to do with not having it with the right person, lol.

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 05/03/2017 13:40

I don't think that I have ever had 'good' sex. Started at 16 with over-eager teenagers and then onto my ex who thought he was Gods gift but (particularly towards the middle/ end of the relationship) we'd finish and I'd think 'Is that it?' Maybe it's my fault for not being articulate about what I wanted but I didn't have the confidence. I think I would now that I am 45 but have been single for 12 years and don't think that I could put up with someone else, I value my freedom.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 05/03/2017 13:51

I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood, much prefer oral-most likely due to orgasm.
That said I get quite irritated when people come out with the bullshit statements that you're either doing it wrong or with the wrong person if you say you're not fussed about sex, it's perfectly fine to not want sex.

HecateAntaia · 05/03/2017 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshinesupermum · 05/03/2017 13:59

Clearly you do not have cats.

Ha! (Still prefer the real thing though!)

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2017 14:01

YANBU at all, the last time we had penetrative sex was over 5 years when my son was conceived and really we don't miss it. We are so tired with our daughter nearly 10 who has ASD, and our son, who is so active, I go to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. We just cuddle and be intimate in others ways.

liquidrevolution · 05/03/2017 14:05

Another one who honestly can't be arsed. Much prefer a cup of tea.

And yes I have had great sex in the past.

Oysterbabe · 05/03/2017 14:06

I'm too tired most of the time, DD 14 months still doesn't sleep through. We've just started ttc #2 and DH is very excited about the inevitable increase in bedroom activity, I'm sure he hopes it takes ages to conceive.

pipsqueak25 · 05/03/2017 14:06

post menopause, medication and vulval drynes has a mood killer for 2 years, lubes don't work, g.p says more foreplay etc, just don't have the energy tbh so sex is infrequent but dh is understanding, he says he's not too bothered because piv causes me pain.
have been fantastic in the past but now ? meh.

Elendon · 05/03/2017 14:07

I'm not bothered either and I still have orgasms in my sleep (very lovely when it happens).

I realised sex was not the be all and end all when my exh used to rub his perfect sized penis against me when I was making the dinner for the children. He couldn't help himself because I was so sexy. Obviously when he met the woman he left me for, she was sexier. I feel so sorry for her.

His favourite and only way of getting mutual orgasm during PIV was with woman on top. He was a one trick pony. He's recently had to have an operation to fix his hernia (post his reversal of vasectomy and icsi).

Can't be doing with it any more. Happier for it as well.

Bitofacow · 05/03/2017 14:11

I spend far too much time thinking about sex. I think I would be CEO of a major business if I hadn't spent so much of my life thinking about and then sex.

However, I also like olives and dark chocolate, I loath Cadbury's Dairy Milk.

Whatever, floats your boat. The annoying thing is being told what you should or should not be thinking or doing. Nobody forces milk chocolate on me. I don't like it so I don't eat it.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2017 14:12

I definitely relate to asexuality or more accurate for me demisexuality which is supposed to be a halfway.

Otherwise known as a low sex drive I suppose. Though I recently read the book Come As You Are which is very interesting and throws the idea of "sex drive" being a kind of numerical thing out of the window.

I do enjoy good sex and while there have definitely been times when I've gone "Yes I want to do that again", I also honestly think I'd be perfectly fine if I never had it again. It's not intrinsically linked with love and affection and intimacy for me. It is all those things but I don't need sex to get them. I'm quite happy to be considered unusual in that and I suspect I am. But I don't think it's so rare as to be something wrong.

I also agree that a lot of heterosexual sex is crap and this is in part due to rubbish myths which always go around and also the way that we (society) think about sex in general.

I couldn't/wouldn't be happy with someone who thought sex was the best thing ever and hugely important over other things, I find that attitude such a turn off. DH places more importance on sex than I do I reckon (he probably would be unhappy if we never had it) but it doesn't override other things in his life and I'm glad about that.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2017 14:23

One of the interesting things in Come As You Are is that it talks about the fact that rather than a "sex drive" as though it might be programmed in on a little computer how often you desire sex and so it's important to find a partner with a similar frequency-of-sex desire to yourself, is that sex like everything else in our bodies actually has two scales, one which excites and one which inhibits, which the author uses the analogy of a "sexual accelerator" and "sexual brakes" to refer to. How sensitive your accelerator and brakes are then denotes what we think of as a "sex drive".

When I did the quiz in the book I came out as having a sensitive "brake" and not a very sensitive "accelerator" which translates in practice to a low sex drive - I'm not very likely to get turned on in the first place and once I'm there it's also difficult to keep me there as I'm easily distracted or small things can put the brakes on and then I'm not interested any more.

Some things mentioned on this thread like poor self image would relate to things which are hitting your brakes, or regular good sex is likely to make a person's accelerator more sensitive.

(I thought it was fascinating anyway!) Blush

Astoria7974 · 05/03/2017 14:35

I think many of you might be on the asexual or grey-sexual spectrum or used to bad sex. Nobody I know outside MN thinks sex is insignificant in a relationship.

Klaphat · 05/03/2017 14:39

If you arent happy with your body you wont feel sexy.

I'm trying to imagine a man being told he should 'feel sexy'. You seem to link 'feeling sexier' with wanting to have sex more often. I can't help but read all this as 'seeing yourself as sexy through the male gaze and wanting to perform for male gratification'.

When I want to have sex it's because I enjoy orgasming and being close to my husband. I look back on relationships where this 'being sexy' and performing element was involved and shudder and thank fuck I got out of that way of thinking.

MaQueen · 05/03/2017 14:41

I can't get my head around not feeling physically attracted to your partner Confused If that's the case, then basically you're just living with a mate - which is fine, but I have lots of mates. I wanted what I had with DH to be something far more intimate and passionate.

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