To think its perfectly normal and there are many of us out there, who really don't think Sex is all that !!!!

[OopsDearyMe]

I was chatting to my neighbour, she and I were chatting about dating and what she said made so much sense. She had also been talking about this in a group of girls when they went for a coffee.

We have both been married and have children, both have had good and bad sex and are now single. The problem is there seems to be an assumption that as an adult we should want sex and it should be something we are meant to be doing. Feature after feature on TV goes on about spicing up the bedroom, sex is better when you are such and such an age.

AIBU to wish just for once there would be a feature on people who really aren't that fussed if they never had sex again!

And to be fed up trying to find a man who is not obsessed with it!

People say this thought of thing all the time on here, but I can honestly say that I have never asked anyone I know in RL how significant they think sex is in a relationship.

Also, they're unlikely to say "nah, not bothered" in RL because society is so invested in it. It's the equivalent of being "the kid without a tv" in 1982.

I agree Keyser. When I was young I was madly in love with my Damon Albarn lookalike boyfriend, but the white hot sex burnt itself out in about six months and we became celibate. I kept it secret because in a world of sex quizzes, orgasm guides and girly bonding, I felt like a pariah.

When I told them, there was literally silence. People don't know how to respond to the celibate, the sex free or the not arsed. It's seen as more embarrassing than a bucketful of Friday night anal.

My DP felt like that in every relationship before ours. He thought sex just didn't do it for him so it's worth changing things around to see if you can make things better.

Morris I totally agree. Our society has gone from talking about sex or women admitting to liking sex being taboo to it being taboo to say you're not that bothered about it. Every Cosmopolitan cover has an item about Better Orgasms or Tricks to drive your man wild in bed.

nobody I know outside MN thinks sex is insignificant in a relationship

Friends and I don't talk about our sex lives much but I was shocked when a friend of mine recently confided in me that she and her husband (both sorted, outgoing, good looking) haven't had sex since the birth of their second child five years ago. Also read the hundreds of threads about sexless marriages on here.

By the time relationship with exP ended, I thought I never wanted sex again. So agree about the guilt and just feeling like it's a waste of precious time. Ex was really into it going on for a long time and I used to get bored out of my mind and so resentful when I just wanted to sleep. So I ended up just avoiding it.

BUT after we separated my libido did come back. I do in theory like the idea of great sex once in a while. Only problem is I only fancy it now and then, I don't want a relationship, but I don't want sex with strangers either. I need a willing, understanding, nice, kind, respectful AND hot occasional FWB. Otherwise it's not worth the hassle.

Ryan, nobody on this thread has suggested that they want to 'make things better'. The whole point is that they're fully happy, satisfied, fulfilled women who are neither up nor down about sex. They don't need to be fixed.

Well, Morris my OH was also fine with it, accepted that he wasn't one for sex, but everything changed once he met someone he clicked with and now he couldn't be without it.
Sorry for trying to offer a different point of view/life experience.

YABU I bloody love it!! I'm a bit of a nympho(!) I'd be at it twice a day or more if I could be, but then I've been single for 13 months.........

For me life is better when me and DH are having lots of sex.
I'm happier, I sleep better, I feel more confident and I feel closer to DH. Of course feeling less happy, being tired, lacking in confidence and not feeling close to DH are all reasons why I don't want to have sex and then it seems to become a viscous cycle. So I try to always make time for sex.

vicious cycle not viscous!

The only time I am into it is for the first six months to a year of a relationship, after that I am honestly bored to tears by it. I think that's perfectly natural. The whole point is to procreate which you should have done by that time of society wasn't set up as it is to serve time in marriages and long term relationships. I think that initial urge can be utterly consuming and that's why people throw away thirty years of marriage for the opportunity to be with someone knew. It's sad and it's hard for those affected but it shouldn't be a huge shock that this could potentially happen.

New not knew obviously.

Well, Morris my OH was also fine with it, accepted that he wasn't one for sex, but everything changed once he met someone he clicked with and now he couldn't be without it.

Again though, this sends the message that sex is this amazing, mind blowing thing that we shouldn't be able to live without. If thay isn't our experience, we're not doing it right.

It also presents the theory that if you're not bothered about sex, you're not with the right partner.

So should i leave my dh because he's obviously not right for me if we don't have the sex life magazines and tv tells me i should?

I don't get sex, as i said earlier. Don't particularly enjoy it. And while i'm fussy enough to never have slept with a man i wasn't very attracted too, i got married late enough to have had enough partners to know i feel the same about sex, regardless of partner.

The promise that if i just found the right man is not enough for me to leave my dh and kids and go off in search of it. I don't believe it exists anyway, not for me at least.

That's not acceptable though. We must enjoy sex, if we don't we must fix it.

This thread explains partly why so many men use prostitutes and matches what I've read on punting forums from the men who do.. at least they're not bothering their partners though.. Not condoning it, I hate the whole rotten business. I really enjoy sex, especially PIV, but don't really want it that much... thankfully DP has a low drive too.
If you wouldn't care if you never had sex again and aren't with someone who does want it then it's all good. More people should be honest about it!

Completely agree with your viewpoints reallyanotherone

If a woman wasn't fussed about anal sex would she be told that she's obviously just doing it with the wrong man? Or if she'd just make the effort to do it then maybe she'd start enjoying it more?

I think a lot of my friends would be very surprised if they knew the truth about mine and DH's sex life. The reality is that nobody knows what goes on behind closed bedroom doors and that not being bothered about sex isn't something that's openly discussed amongst friends.

My DH is absolutely amazing - he's so kind, his priority is always me and DS, he's a fantastic father, hilariously funny and would do anything to help anyone. Should I really leave him and go on a quest for better sex because despite everything that I love about him I'm obviously with the wrong man....

Not exactly really, I agree that non sexual people exist. There's nothing wrong with that, but exploration should still be encouraged. Once you've decided you're sure that you feel that way, I think it's great to embrace it and be honest about it. But if my OH hadn't continued to explore, he would still be in that state of mind. Nothing wrong with that, but I don't think he would choose to go back and it turned out that that wasn't who he actually was. He was upset for feeling unsexual though which is because he didn't feel like a man, which I agree is societal conditioning and not okay. If there's pressure on women to be sexual, there is definitely even more on men.

Normal is the problematic word in the OP though, isn't it? It's definitely "OK" to not be into sex - there's no moral dimension to it. But "normal" means common, widespread, unremarkable. I'm pretty sure not being at all bothered by the most fundamental evolutionary impulse we have alongside survivial is not common, widespread or unremarkable, but that doesn't mean it's bad or anything.

For the vast majority of people, sex is a hugely powerful motivating force. For many many people, it's THE motivating force in their lives. The search for that incredible connection and the desire to keep it. To grow with it, to feel it change and evolve with your relationship. Orgasm in couples is a massive pair-bonding experience: oxytocin and other hugely powerful neurochemicals are generally released. Sexless marriages tend to fall apart. Couples who communicate and fuck tend not to.

If it's not for you, then fine, but this thread is also going to be self-selecting. Asexual people or people who don't experience that force, or people who haven't had properly mind-blowing sex for whatever reason, are likely to be attracted to a thread like this, making contributors think that there are proportionately lots and lots of people who aren't fussed about sex, when that's almost certainly not true.

But surely the lesson is "whatever floats your boat". But at the same time don't be too cross with people for not understanding your lack of sexual impulse. To many, it's like hearing someone say "I wouldn't be that fussed if I never ate food again".

The promise that if i just found the right man is not enough for me to leave my dh and kids and go off in search of it. I don't believe it exists anyway, not for me at least.

I, personally, would not have settled down if there was not a good sex life. As long as you and your husband are happy and satisfied, surely that's all that matters and it isn't anyone else's business? It wouldn't be enough for me but obviously you and your husband are compatible sexually if it works for you two.

Women (well people in general) just have different priorities about what matters in a relationship and what makes their partner 'the right man' for them and for some women that includes sex and in other women it doesn't.

I used to have a much higher sex drive than DH but since the arrival of DS three years ago my libido has pretty much disappeared but thankfully my DH loves more about me than just how compatible we are in the bedroom and doesn't feel the need to go off and find the "right woman" which apparently could only be one who would have regular sex with him....

I find my husband very sexy and like having sex very much, but hate morning sex (his preference - gross).

Nothing I like more than a man whisking me off to bed after a few glasses of red, and nothing I like less than being poked awake by a morning erection.

.....and nothing I like less than being poked awake by a morning erection.

Or someone coming at you with morning breath - gross!!!

I wonder...if you don't like sex, do you like massages?

Not by partner, necessarily, but the concept of a sports or beauty massage?

There is a human need for being touched, I think

I, personally, would not have settled down if there was not a good sex life

Never? I was 35 when i met dh. I had been sexually active since 18. Like i said, although i was picky with sexual partners, i didn't go without for long. Most of my relationships only lasted 3 months or so though, in part because the "mind blowing sex" never happened.

So i hit 35. Never found the sex tv and magazines promised. Do i continue looking for the mythical beast, or accept it doesn't exist for me, and choose kids and family?

Dh isn't particularly happy, btw. He does enjoy sex, thinks it's a fun way to spend an evening. We get by because i need it physically. But for me it's a physical release, it's not particularly enjoyable, I wouldn't describe it as fun, and it's not something i'd choose to do if not for the physical urge.

Hard to explain. By most people's books i probably have a good sex life. Dh enjoys it, i find him attractive, he's attentive, knows what turns me on, and i always reach orgasm. Still don't much like it.

RyanStartedTheFire out of interest, how long have you and your OH been together?