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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge, massive row with Dsis and her arsehole husband...

275 replies

Flypaperforarseholes · 02/03/2017 23:16

Popped round to see my Dsis and niece this evening. We were having a nice evening, myself and dsis shared a bottle of wine while I trimmed my nieces hair. Niece was chatty and happy. I finished the trim just before Dsis' husband arrived home. Niece immediately fell quiet and rushed out to the utility room to get the hoover to clean up the hair. BIL came into the kitchen where we were just as niece came through with the hoover. BIL didn't greet any of us, looked at the hair on the floor and started shouting about "all this fucking mess!" The house is spotless, just a handful of trimmed hair on the floor. I said "sorry, my fault, pass the hoover Niece". BIL said "it's her hair, she'll clean it up." Then shouted at niece "Move it, you messy fat bitch!"Angry

I was, still am, fucking incensed. How dare he speak to her like that?! She's a lovely, kind, funny, beautiful girl.
He stepped towards my niece and as he is a big bloke (6' 3"), I felt it was physically intimidating. I stepped between them and told him to step back and asked him.who the fuck he thought he was to talk to her like that. He told me to fuck off, I'm her father, this is my house, I pay the fucking bills...Dsis told my niece to go to her room, which she did, crying.
All the while BIL is shouting about me sticking my nose in where it's not wanted, calling me a stupid bitch. He then told Dsis to get me out of 'his" house or he would "throw it (me) through the window".
I was raging and told him he could give it a try but he'd get more than he bargained for if he tried. Dsis told me to get out of the house. I know she may not have had a lot of options but it still fucking hurt.
I left, BIL and myself still shouting at each other.
Now I am worried about my Dsis and niece. I have never particularly liked my BIL but have never seen this side of him before (although I don't see him often) and my Dsis and niece have never mentioned anything like this and seem generally happy. I sentered my Dsis a text on my way home asking if she's ok, she didn't reply. I called her and she didn't answer. Called niece but her mobile is going to answering machine. AIBU to go back round there to check they're ok?

OP posts:
AshesandDust · 03/03/2017 14:43

Your poor niece hearing her father say those soul destroying words to her - it breaks my heart. It can never be unsaid and will be with her for all her life.
The cruel bastard father should be sterilised.

nachogazpacho · 03/03/2017 14:46

I'm surmising that he's not your niece's father? And that they haven't been married for more than a few years?

Because that means his behaviour hasn't changed. Abusers are always abusers, they just up the anti when they can. So he revealed his true self bit by bit over the years they have been together. This is who he really is. He hasn't changed, just allowed his mask to slip because he thought that even with you seeing him lie it things would stay as they were. Indeed, your sister and your niece both legged it and tried to sort it without you getting involved.

EdmundCleverClogs · 03/03/2017 14:49

The worst thing he's done is tell her that he spends his days with "beautiful, brave children who are dying. And I think of you and wonder why them? Why not you?"

Op, I grew up with some awful emotional and physical abuse. Nothing really shocks me. However, what your niece said, that is one of the most awful things I've heard of a parent saying to their child. He's a monster.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 03/03/2017 14:49

thank God they have you and your brother in their life

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2017 14:51

Nacho, where do uou get that impression from? The op specifically states the niece said "she hates her father" which would indicate he is her biological father and they have been involved all her life.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 03/03/2017 15:54

It sounds like he is buckling under the pressures of his job and taking it out on his family.

It is no excuse at all mind. Your Dsis and niece need out of there and he needs help

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 16:01

I very much doubt he has suddenly turned this way in the last year. Worse, maybe but she's probably been putting up with crap for years, as has your niece.

Hope they're ok x

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2017 16:16

The worst thing he's done is tell her that he spends his days with "beautiful, brave children who are dying. And I think of you and wonder why them? Why not you?"

How utterly evil; such words won't just hurt her feelings - they'll hurt her very soul, and for that there can be no forgiveness

This man may well be sick, having a breakdown or any number of things, but what matters most of all is that your DSis and DN are finally out of his clutches and able to get the help they'll badly need

Thank god they've got you, OP Flowers

ShootFruit · 03/03/2017 16:23

"She said no. The worst thing he's done is tell her that he spends his days with "beautiful, brave children who are dying. And I think of you and wonder why them? Why not you?".
He is a paediatric oncologist"

I have tears in my eyes and my blood ran cold. What an utter vile excuse for a human being. I hope he loses everything. Arsehole.

OP well done. Keep doing what your doing. Your family are lucky to have you. You acted in the best way, they got out safely. Not sure I wouldn't be tempted to go round with a bat and kneecap him. But that would not solve anything. Hugs to you all

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 16:34

He works with children with a mindset like that?!

I'm lost for words.

NewPuppyMum · 03/03/2017 16:42

I'm well experienced with men doing worthy jobs in the community and being abusive in the "home." Sickening.

OP your brother, his partner and you have all done very well.

welovepancakes · 03/03/2017 17:01

Even if your sister isn't ready to consult Womens Aid yet, you could look at Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" which may help you all to understand the dynamics of domestic abuse

PossumInAPearTree · 03/03/2017 17:15

If you're dn has her GCSEs starting in a few weeks she needs a lot of support and as much stability as possible between now and then.

AQuietMind · 03/03/2017 17:20

I've just read your update op and I am so upset for your niece, my mother once told me she should have drowned me at birth as I was the runt of the litter and also on another occasion told me she should have used a coat hanger. Those words stayed with me for a lot of years.

I hope your niece gets the support she needs and realises that this prick is exactly that, a prick!

stonecircle · 03/03/2017 17:30

AQuietMind ShockFlowersFlowersFlowers

Mix56 · 03/03/2017 17:40

Jeez. seriously shocked.

If they haven't got the documents, your sis should go back when he is out at work & get them if possible. It saves a lot of hassle when she needs to show income for SHL. He won't have thought of hiding/removing/destroying things yet, he will be on the remorse & regret stage.(partially blaming his stress on Dsis probably)

ohfourfoxache · 03/03/2017 17:54

AQuietMind Sad - what an utter fucking bitch

Op I've just read your update. Words fail me Shock

NewPuppyMum · 03/03/2017 18:06

AQUietMind. So sorry to read that.

My "mother" also told me she went to have me aborted and I was supposed to kiss her feet that she didn't. It would have been better if she had tbh. She's the badly done by one of course.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/03/2017 18:44

Please, please, please report to social services. He is a paediatric oncologist. He has access to some of the most vulnerable children imaginable. Social services will need to complete a LADO notification, so there can be an assessment about whether he presents any risk to his patients.

That process will not be nice. But it is necessary. He probably won't lose his job (unless there is evidence patients are at risk), but it does need checking out properly.

I'm a paediatrician. If I knew one of my colleagues had slapped their teenager across the face I would be notifying myself. Because our patients, our children, must be safe.

Most paed oncs are lovely, lovely people. But the burn out rate is hideous. And if he's burned out (which is the most innocent explanation of his behaviour) reporting now may actually get him help before he does something from which he can never recover his work (and thus maintenance payments/doctor to those patients).

You have been pretty awesomely amazing through this. And involving social services is a very hard thing to do. But please, please, at least think about it. If you're not sure, you could anonymously ring the NSPCC and ask for their advice.

Original poster
Flypaperforarseholes · 03/03/2017 18:47

AQuietMind What an utter horror of a woman. I Do you mind me asking g.if you had therapy/counselling? I'm so worried about how this has damaged my niece. She's a lovely girl, has a nice group of friends and adores her mum but I really want to get any issues addressed now rather than waiting for the damage to show,IYSWIM?
The pricks bat shit-crazy mother called my niece while Dsis was at the house. Niece put her on speaker phone so I could hear what she was saying. All aong the lines of "how could you do this to your father, you selfish, ungrateful little bitch?" and "you do know your mother was a prostitute when your father pulled her out of the gutter?" and "your bitch aunt is to blame for this, attacking my son in his own home!"
I can see where he gets his charming personality from. I introduced myself (I've only met her 2 or 3 times in the last 17-odd years but apparently she hates my guts. Feeling's mutual, bitch) and told her to leave my niece alone and concentrate on getting her son the professional help he needs because he's as unhinged as she is.
Incidentally, my Dsis was not and never has been a prostitute. She was a professional dancer when she met that piece of shit and was doing well for herself, had just bought her own flat and was running a children's dance class. I was the family fuck up, she was the together one who I relied on. And I didn't notice when she needed me.
I want this fucker to pay for what he's done.
Dsis, DB and partner got all the paperwork they could find. Well, Dsis and DB's partner did. DB sat at the kitchen table opposite the prick and told him he wasn't to leave the kitchen until Dsis was back in the car. DB said he just sat there looking at the table, couldn't look him in the eye. DB asked him if he felt good about who he is and the prick didn't answer.
He didn't ask about my niece.
Niece is going to a GCSE study skills club at her school tomorrow, Dsis and I are going to talk to her form tutor.

OP posts:
PuffTheMagicDragon1 · 03/03/2017 18:50

Try looking into Relate's Relateen service for your DN as some gps have very long waiting lists for counselling.

Original poster
Flypaperforarseholes · 03/03/2017 18:55

I am going to speak to Dsis tomorrow and tell her what my niece has told me (niece has given me her permission). I will talk to her about the police and social serices. Social Services will not be an easy sell. Our mum was very ill when we were younger and there were no family members who could look after us so we went into a care home for almost a year. Our Social workers were awful and it has left us all with a distrust of Social Services.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/03/2017 18:59

It's such an awful thing, how abuse is a cycle. I bet your BiL had a terrible childhood with his hateful mother. I really hope you can get some help for your niece and break the cycle.

user1486924355 · 03/03/2017 19:02

Wow, just read the whole thread. You sound wonderful. Your DSis and DN are so lucky to have you in their lives. He, however sounds fucked up.

ShugAvery1 · 03/03/2017 19:06

OP, you are brilliant. Your sister is lucky to have such supportive siblings around her to look after her. Bad things have happened but it could have been so so much worse.
I'm so pleased that they are safe with you now. I understand the guilt you are feeling, but it isn't necessary. You know now and you've done everything you can to ensure they are safe. As a domestic abuse survivor I feel the need to thank you. Many people never escape, it's people like you and your brother that they need. I hope you all find happiness and safety and your sister and niece are able to rebuild their lives with your support Flowers

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