Huge, massive row with Dsis and her arsehole husband...

[Flypaperforarseholes]

Popped round to see my Dsis and niece this evening. We were having a nice evening, myself and dsis shared a bottle of wine while I trimmed my nieces hair. Niece was chatty and happy. I finished the trim just before Dsis' husband arrived home. Niece immediately fell quiet and rushed out to the utility room to get the hoover to clean up the hair. BIL came into the kitchen where we were just as niece came through with the hoover. BIL didn't greet any of us, looked at the hair on the floor and started shouting about "all this fucking mess!" The house is spotless, just a handful of trimmed hair on the floor. I said "sorry, my fault, pass the hoover Niece". BIL said "it's her hair, she'll clean it up." Then shouted at niece "Move it, you messy fat bitch!"

I was, still am, fucking incensed. How dare he speak to her like that?! She's a lovely, kind, funny, beautiful girl.
He stepped towards my niece and as he is a big bloke (6' 3"), I felt it was physically intimidating. I stepped between them and told him to step back and asked him.who the fuck he thought he was to talk to her like that. He told me to fuck off, I'm her father, this is my house, I pay the fucking bills...Dsis told my niece to go to her room, which she did, crying.
All the while BIL is shouting about me sticking my nose in where it's not wanted, calling me a stupid bitch. He then told Dsis to get me out of 'his" house or he would "throw it (me) through the window".
I was raging and told him he could give it a try but he'd get more than he bargained for if he tried. Dsis told me to get out of the house. I know she may not have had a lot of options but it still fucking hurt.
I left, BIL and myself still shouting at each other.
Now I am worried about my Dsis and niece. I have never particularly liked my BIL but have never seen this side of him before (although I don't see him often) and my Dsis and niece have never mentioned anything like this and seem generally happy. I sentered my Dsis a text on my way home asking if she's ok, she didn't reply. I called her and she didn't answer. Called niece but her mobile is going to answering machine. AIBU to go back round there to check they're ok?

This happened to my sister. The things he did to her and her kids without her ever saying anything .
I felt guilty OP and I felt very angry too, I kept running all these scenarios in my head how I could kill the guy: poison him, pay some dodgy randomers from the pub to kick his head in, push him off something. I actually went a bit crazy for a while and DH had to majorly talk me down. If I had been a big man I definitely would have done violence.
But you have done a good thing. Try to keep things calm, try to stop them from going back. (One of my nephews did )

I'm so glad you have them with you now.
Hopefully you have the room to let them stay for a while.
I would suggest getting DSis to call Womens Aid.
They can help her with local support services for herself and your DN.
She will need some serious counselling after the way her father has treated her.
Well done!
I remember having to get my Dsis out of an abusive relationship.
It was horrible and luckily no kids involved.

You ARE a good aunt/sister.

It's not easy to get people to open up about this stuff and people in the situation feel shame, responsibility, embarrassment.

My mums family asked her loads of times if dad was abusive she always denied. They never asked us till we left home.

Be aware your sis may minimise, excuse his behaviour and may consider going back to him. I'm hoping women's aid can advise you on how to deal with this.

Hope today is a better day for you all though.

Given your DN is only 15 I would also advise calling police/SS so they can carry out an investigation as she was assaulted by her father recently. He is a bastard and cannot be allowed to behave like this unchecked. Well done for stepping in last night. You have done well. You could not have have know what was going on previously but now you do you can act to ensure your DN is protected and that she can feel safe at home.

Thank God this has happened. Thank God you saw it, and thank God she has been strong enough to start talking to you.

If this hadn't happened then I suspect that she would have continued to try to keep things hidden and not talk.

Right now it is going to all feel horrific. But last night was a turning point. It's out in the open and your fabulous sister and wonderful niece are going to get the support they need,

You're a true angel OP

Cowardly jerk of a man was crying and cringing in the presence of a bloke, and yet he's been monster if two women for two years??? I hope your sister sticks to her guns and stays away from him.

You are an amazing aunt and sister. People are good at hiding things. You acted when you saw it. You stood up for your sister and your niece. You didn't wait around, and you got you DB involved. Hopefully she'll make the right decision now and leave him.

Such a sad situation-but at least now you know and things can start getting better for your sister and niece. Hopefully he won't be a manipulative arsehole and try to win her back with promises and guilt trips as so often happens (I have helped lots with a support centre for domestic abuse victims). Good luck to you all .

Oh and I would also talk with the police.

the spineless prick. Well done to you and your brother, and I hope you can continue to support your sister so that she doesn't feel she has no choice but to return to him. Your niece sounds like she's checked out on him.

X-post - so glad your Dsis is getting some support.
All you can do now is be there for when she is ready to tell you more.
It's hard to hear, I have to say, but your support will help her through this.

Thank goodness your Dsis has you and DB looking out for her. Well done.

I wish my family would have stepped in as you have, op.

I am so pleased you and your family is rallying around, and supporting your sister, it will so help her when she leaves this prick. I wish all abused people would have the same support as your sister has.

Not so tough is he now, that somebody is standing up to him. Like most abusers, he is a nasty coward, who preys on those who are vulnerable. I hope this gives your sister the strength to leave this asshole.

Well done OP.

Hope this is the start of a better future for your dsis and dneice- which you and your dbro have played a big part in.

Hope you have a restful day

You and your brother are heroes, OP. Bullies are always cowards, always...I can just imagine the big hard man getting off on terrorising his wife and daughter and then cowering and whimpering when a man comes along and isn't even physically threatening (not that he should be, he handled it perfectly, but it's just to show how craven the prick is). With you and your brother around, I think your sister and niece will be ok...

You and DB have done really well, OP. Good luck to your family in separating from this creature.

People hide abuse for a myriad of reasons. How were you to know when your Dsis didn't want to admit she was suffering. There is only blame to be laid at one persons feet and those feet belong to an abusive man/father/husband.

I can understand why your sister doesn't want to involve the police. As she's only just opened up about what's been happening. The police are trained to deal with abusive relationships. It would also benefit your sister to get the pysical abuse and also the psychological abuse logged. It needs to be out in the open. He's less likely to be violent/threatening knowing the police are already aware. It also stands both your sister and niece in good stead when it comes to the legalities of their current situation. Home, money etc...

I think the people thread who are expressing doubt about this situation are perhaps confounded by someone taking direct action when confronted with a something like this. Perhaps they are the type to conclude it was none of their business and they shouldn't get involved. I am glad you ate not one of the latter, op.

upthread

I have to agree with the many other posters who have already said it - you absolutely ARE a good sister and you have nothing to berate yourself over!

Your sister and niece were doing what so many, many victims of DV do - hiding it from their nearest and dearest because they feel ashamed of it. IT's NOT THEIR SHAME - but they still feel it.

You would have needed to have cameras in the house, or to be an expert in tiny signs, to have picked up on any of this before now. And even then, if your sister was still trying to make a go of things, she would have denied and minimised.

Thank god she's now realised that staying "for the sake of DN" is NOT the right thing to do and hopefully with you and your brother's help (and any other family) they will both be able to leave this abusive dickhead and get away from him. And you have facilitated this, you and your brother, but you started the ball rolling. That makes you great! But your sister needed to be ready - and she is now.

Big (((hugs))) etc.

Save a life and the world entire. Bloody well done OP.

OP you have been wonderful to your DSis and DN. you acted as soon as you knew something wasn't right. Don't beatbox yourself up about the things that have been hidden for so long, they were hidden for a reason. I'm sure that now this has come to light your sis and niece are both equally relieved and terrified.

With regards to calling the police; the police would act on a domestic abuse situation as the law changed recently so that they could intervene. If the police attend a DV/DA situation and an under 18 is in the house or involved, a police log will be shared with local children's services and they would make some enquiries and would monitor the situation to make sure that the minor is safe. So calling the police and reporting abuse against a child is an appropriate measure, it also then gives legal documentation to back up the victim in procuring a divorce and protecting the child in custody cases too.

All I will say is tread very carefully from now on. You may become a target for his ongoing rage and your DSis may also be in for more abuse and she'll need support to remain strong. I do recommend reporting the incident to the police, even though it's after the fact, just in case things take a turn for the worse. I know that lots of people on MN will pooh-pooh contacting the police to 'log' a situation, but in this case it is entirely appropriate and necessary to protect your niece and to some extent, your sister. You have the advantage of you and your brother witnessing the abuse.

If its not too late.
tell Dsis, to take all important documents, house deeds, pay slips, pension & bank info, she can copy & return (or not) Birth cert, passports, all & any important info that could go "missing"
also anything precious that the Prick knows will hurt her to lose.
he will be back pedalling now, this is the classic cycle of abuse, he will go into apology, remorse, excuse mode & try & wind her back in... Promises of therapy, blablabla., it's bollocks. he has been tormenting her for 2 years...
She will need time, to "come clean", people who have suffered abuse are often unable to explain, & often are often incapable of understanding the whole picture initially, it is death by a thousand cuts.
All she needs to know is that her DD needs her, & she cannot condone her Ps behaviour ever. It's over

loads of "often" there Soz !