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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Huge, massive row with Dsis and her arsehole husband...

275 replies

Flypaperforarseholes · 02/03/2017 23:16

Popped round to see my Dsis and niece this evening. We were having a nice evening, myself and dsis shared a bottle of wine while I trimmed my nieces hair. Niece was chatty and happy. I finished the trim just before Dsis' husband arrived home. Niece immediately fell quiet and rushed out to the utility room to get the hoover to clean up the hair. BIL came into the kitchen where we were just as niece came through with the hoover. BIL didn't greet any of us, looked at the hair on the floor and started shouting about "all this fucking mess!" The house is spotless, just a handful of trimmed hair on the floor. I said "sorry, my fault, pass the hoover Niece". BIL said "it's her hair, she'll clean it up." Then shouted at niece "Move it, you messy fat bitch!"

I was, still am, fucking incensed. How dare he speak to her like that?! She's a lovely, kind, funny, beautiful girl.
He stepped towards my niece and as he is a big bloke (6' 3"), I felt it was physically intimidating. I stepped between them and told him to step back and asked him.who the fuck he thought he was to talk to her like that. He told me to fuck off, I'm her father, this is my house, I pay the fucking bills...Dsis told my niece to go to her room, which she did, crying.
All the while BIL is shouting about me sticking my nose in where it's not wanted, calling me a stupid bitch. He then told Dsis to get me out of 'his" house or he would "throw it (me) through the window".
I was raging and told him he could give it a try but he'd get more than he bargained for if he tried. Dsis told me to get out of the house. I know she may not have had a lot of options but it still fucking hurt.
I left, BIL and myself still shouting at each other.
Now I am worried about my Dsis and niece. I have never particularly liked my BIL but have never seen this side of him before (although I don't see him often) and my Dsis and niece have never mentioned anything like this and seem generally happy. I sentered my Dsis a text on my way home asking if she's ok, she didn't reply. I called her and she didn't answer. Called niece but her mobile is going to answering machine. AIBU to go back round there to check they're ok?

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 03/03/2017 13:00

It's a good job he made the mistake of showing his true colours when you were there. Was he drunk?

Topseyt · 03/03/2017 13:25

Caught up with this now, and just wanted to wish you and your sister and niece all the very best, OP.

It was a blessing in disguise that your arsehole of a BIL showed his true colours in front of you, so that you and your brother were able to help your sister and niece.

I do hope that they now manage to stay safe, and away from him. Niece will probably be able to concentrate far better on her GCSEs if she isn't looking fearfully over her shoulder for her twat of a Dad all the time.

Has her school been informed of the situation so that support can be provided as needed in school? Maybe take advice from Women's Aid on stuff like how to go about that?? I am not an expert. Just offering support.

wishcarry · 03/03/2017 13:29

You are wonderful op.
you are the best sister and aunty.I wish I had an aunty like you when I was 12 and had to go into a women's refuge.
I wish your sister and niece all the best for the future.

Pettywoman · 03/03/2017 13:35

Good on you OP.

Original poster

Flypaperforarseholes · 03/03/2017 13:38

DB and partner have taken Dsis to get clothes etc. for her and niece. Thank you, Mix56 for the advice, wouldn't have thought about paperwork. I have a feeling he will be home so not sure if they will be able to get it but fingers crossed. My niece didn't want to go so she's here with me. Dsis has arranged to go to the school tomorrow to speak to her form tutor, she's asked me to go with her. She has made a GP appointment for niece to try to access some support/counselling, too. She hasn't called Women's Aid yet. Bit concerned about that but don't want to rush her.
I asked my niece if the slap across the face was the worst thing he's done.
She said no. The worst thing he's done is tell her that he spends his days with "beautiful, brave children who are dying. And I think of you and wonder why them? Why not you?".
He is a paediatric oncologist. How can he possibly do.such a worthy job and be such an utterly deplorable father and husband? My poor, poor niece. She hasn't told her mum he said that but has said I can. I'm hoping it will help my Dsis take that step to reporting him to the police. Niece said her boyfriend recorded the prick verbally abusing her so that may be useful to the police. If my Dsis and niece do report to the police, will the scumbag lose his job? Doesn't seem right that someone so vile should be treating children.
I'm so angry I don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:

Sunnydaysrock · 03/03/2017 13:51

Wow, thank God you went round last night and all this happened...If u see what I mean. You have literally saved them. I've no idea about his job but if the police get involved it can't do him any favours. I hope your niece is ok, your sister too.

Topseyt · 03/03/2017 13:51

He is not fit to be in paediatric medicine in any way.

Perhaps he might lose his job and he would deserve to. Not sure though how you broach that with your sister though without it scaring her away from doing what she has to do.

Others might have better advice than me.

Sunnydaysrock · 03/03/2017 13:53

Also meant to add, but goes without saying, that what he said to his own daughter is beyond disgusting. He sounds extremely unstable as well as being vile.

TeenAndTween · 03/03/2017 13:57

If he loses his job

he won't be in a position to pay maintenance
some very sick children may lose a key doctor.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, and if reported & convicted he may well lose his job, but that in my opinion, shouldn't be a consideration for you right now. Support your sister and niece, he is secondary.

Topseyt · 03/03/2017 14:01

Teen has put the dilemma quite neatly there.

Priority remains your sister and niece though. One step at a time and don't jump the gun. She could find that off-putting.

RachelRagged · 03/03/2017 14:02

For those of you who have said I'm a good sister and aunt, I'm not. If I was, I'd have seen this. They'd have been able to tell me

You are wrong OP. When living DV/spousal aggression , the LAST people you want to know of it are your family . Believe me, I have been there. No idea if its misplaced loyalty (to the abusive arsehole) or to protect them (family) from it all . Its just good you SAW it now and seems your sister and niece are safe enough right now . Don't beat yourself up , you done things exactly right (imo)

stonecircle · 03/03/2017 14:06

He sounds so unstable I don't think he should be working at all given his job. Somebody so emotional and volatile isn't fit to do what he does.

Has he always been like that or is he having some sort of breakdown - perhaps a result of the pressures of his job? The things he has said to your DN are appalling and will probably stay with her for life.

Wolpertinger · 03/03/2017 14:07

He won't necessarily lose his job - probably not actually. However all convictions/cautions are reportable to the GMC - so he will have an investigation and his work will be interested.

It sounds like he is coping poorly with his job anyway which his work would be very interested in. He quite possibly is being a twat there as well. So there will be likely both HR and GMC processes he will have to work through.

RachelRagged · 03/03/2017 14:08

She said no. The worst thing he's done is tell her that he spends his days with "beautiful, brave children who are dying. And I think of you and wonder why them? Why not you?".
He is a paediatric oncologist

OP I usually have a lot to say but this has left me speechless !!

RachelRagged · 03/03/2017 14:09

Bold Fail again ! And in my view I hope he DOES lose his bloody job !! What a disgusting unforgivable thing to say to any child ,, let alone his OWN CHLD.

RachelRagged · 03/03/2017 14:11

Read Teens post now . Yes there is that too the maintenance and saving ill childrens lives but surely its not just OPs not so Dbil who is qualified here ?

I do not get a penny piece in maintenance even though he works .. Nobody ever chases it up so I wouldn't think on that at moment OP

mateysmum · 03/03/2017 14:13

"Has he always been like that or is he having some sort of breakdown - perhaps a result of the pressures of his job?"

I thought this too. He needs help and his family need to keep away from him.

The fact your DN wouldn't even go home to pack her things shows how deeply affected she is. Thank God you and the rest of your family are rallying round.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2017 14:19

The worst thing he's done is tell her that he spends his days with "beautiful, brave children who are dying. And I think of you and wonder why them? Why not you

milliemolliemou · 03/03/2017 14:23

like other pps glad you ad DB were around, OP. But someone needs to make sure the husband gets help. PTSD isn't unknown in medical people especially those dealing with the dying

aginghippy · 03/03/2017 14:28

But someone needs to make sure the husband gets help

That may be true, but that someone is not Flypaper. She needs to concentrate on supporting her ds and dn.

KindDogsTail · 03/03/2017 14:32

Being abusive and being a doctor/surgeon are sadly not mutually exclusive, for all that many are very,very good people. There is a lot of control and real power in being a surgeon. Power over life and death, over every decision, over everyone around, over 'dirt' and 'germs'. No one can believe bad of them. They are like little gods. At the same time stakes are high and the job is intense and nerve-wracking.

You were truly helpful to your sister by not backing down in the way he is used to. How lucky your niece has been to have you as her witness, and your sister in having you help her get out of this mess. I think you were really very brave.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/03/2017 14:39

Exactly! Just because he is a surgeon, does not mean he is devoid of any responsibility and abuse should be excused. The op main job is helping her sister and niece. It is up to her hopefully now ex partner to get his own help.

HappyFlappy · 03/03/2017 14:40

Like a couple of others, I can't but wonder if something has happened a couple of years ago to cause your BIL to change?

I'm not excusing his behaviour - it is deplorable - but it seems strange that he has been (apparently) a good husband and father until two years ago. Could he be ill himself? Or, as others have suggested, is he having a breakdown of some type?

The important thing is that you ensure that your sister and niece are safe. His problems may have a medical basis, but he can't be allowed to bully other people.

nachogazpacho · 03/03/2017 14:41

Thank fuck they had you round to cut her hair!

Your dsis would have been keeping quiet through a mix of fear, embarassment (yes, this bit is hard to understand but when someone is so demeaning to you you start to think it's true or that others would believe him not you) and probably a sense of hope or loyalty that he would sort himself out.

His argument almost certainly is going to be that he is stressed. That he wasn't coping so if they come back he will try and change. If she doesn't he'll up the anti. They need all the documents they can lay their hands on as he is going to try and take them to the cleaners. If he has another woman on the go then they'll be better off for it as his attention will be somewhat diverted. But if not and even if he has this sort of controlling abuser likes to utterly ruin people who go against what he says.

I would not be surprise if he promises changes and she goes back to him, whilst your niece looks for somewhere else to live. I say this as someone who has experienced abuse like this - you will do anything to get that person being kind to you again. If he is highly intelligent and charming then he can switch back to that persona and your dsis is very vulnerable to this. Once back with him he will most certainly want her to cut all ties with her family.

Sounds like he abuses people to maintain his feeling of control. The fact he is very professional eg consultant suggests he is that type of personality. It makes his 'outbursts' actually much more calculated. Like the way he told your niece he hoped she would die instead. He's thought about what he could say for maximum impact. At work he may be very good as a consultant because he is perfecting saving lives. Not for the sake of the children, but for the sake of him feeling god like.

nachogazpacho · 03/03/2017 14:42

Sorry, oncologist not consultant...

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