Huge, massive row with Dsis and her arsehole husband...

[Flypaperforarseholes]

Popped round to see my Dsis and niece this evening. We were having a nice evening, myself and dsis shared a bottle of wine while I trimmed my nieces hair. Niece was chatty and happy. I finished the trim just before Dsis' husband arrived home. Niece immediately fell quiet and rushed out to the utility room to get the hoover to clean up the hair. BIL came into the kitchen where we were just as niece came through with the hoover. BIL didn't greet any of us, looked at the hair on the floor and started shouting about "all this fucking mess!" The house is spotless, just a handful of trimmed hair on the floor. I said "sorry, my fault, pass the hoover Niece". BIL said "it's her hair, she'll clean it up." Then shouted at niece "Move it, you messy fat bitch!"

I was, still am, fucking incensed. How dare he speak to her like that?! She's a lovely, kind, funny, beautiful girl.
He stepped towards my niece and as he is a big bloke (6' 3"), I felt it was physically intimidating. I stepped between them and told him to step back and asked him.who the fuck he thought he was to talk to her like that. He told me to fuck off, I'm her father, this is my house, I pay the fucking bills...Dsis told my niece to go to her room, which she did, crying.
All the while BIL is shouting about me sticking my nose in where it's not wanted, calling me a stupid bitch. He then told Dsis to get me out of 'his" house or he would "throw it (me) through the window".
I was raging and told him he could give it a try but he'd get more than he bargained for if he tried. Dsis told me to get out of the house. I know she may not have had a lot of options but it still fucking hurt.
I left, BIL and myself still shouting at each other.
Now I am worried about my Dsis and niece. I have never particularly liked my BIL but have never seen this side of him before (although I don't see him often) and my Dsis and niece have never mentioned anything like this and seem generally happy. I sentered my Dsis a text on my way home asking if she's ok, she didn't reply. I called her and she didn't answer. Called niece but her mobile is going to answering machine. AIBU to go back round there to check they're ok?

Well done, OP! You acted as soon as you knew about it and have been bloody fantastic!
Hurrah! for DB and partner too!
If only we all had family like you!

AQuietMind, 😢 so very sorry this happened to you. You're very brave sharing your story. ⭐️

You are a TOP SISTER OP!

It's not a dilemma. He is controlling/abusive and in any case he's most likely to receive help and support as a consequence, rather than being 'struck off'. He is most likely to minimise and deflect blame.

Shame on the troll-hunters.

Not sure why I've been deleted but fgs just stop engaging with such nonsense

You're an amazing aunt and sister - don't ever think otherwise.

His family sound really unhinged thank goodness your Dsis is seeing his true colours.

Poor DN

Good of prick's mother to highlight where he learned to be abusive.

You've done a really good thing flypaper - your sister and niece are lucky to have you and your brother.

Good luck with the SS talk.

Sounds like prick comes from a long line of arseholes.

It might help if your niece blocked her Dad's family on her phone and on social media like facebook before they really start trying that avenue to get at her.

OP I read this last night, been out all day but suspected something was very wrong - well done in getting them out.

I was just wondering where the people are who posted last night that you were being "dramatic"? People who have form for being oh so very sensible and jolly well telling everyone to pull themselves together? Are they coming on here tonight to apologise?

OP, I was hideously emotionally abused by my 'mother'. She told me she should have had an abortion but didn't -aren't I lucky! I'm late 30s. I have just realised. I made so many excuses for her. It's only come to light through counselling that I started for another reason.

However, there is a big difference between me and your DN. She has you to tell her it isn't normal. I didn't have that. Keep repeating it to her. For forever. Because there will be moments in the future that she doubts herself. That she looses the confidence about herself that she has struggled to build.

Fly I was one of the posters that praised you for being such an amazing Sister and Auntie and I ment every word of it.

I was someone that went through an horrific time at the hands of my ex for 9 years,I reached out to my closest relative my Mum and she didn't want to know and what I suffered at the hands of my ex could see him still behind bars 16 years later SO PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY YOU HAVE AND ARE BEING AN AMAZING SUPPORT TO YOUR SISTER AND NIECE

You've given them the life line that they've so desperately needed.

So glad you rescued your DSis and DN

It would be advisable for her to get on to women's aid/a solicitor ASAP to get a non- molestation order for your niece and sister and if possible an occupation order to make him leave the house so they can go back in. There is no other way to get him to go unfortunately.

You are their saviour, OP. You have done all the right things, please don't doubt that. Truly wonderful. They need your strength now.

I wish you all the best of luck. What an awful situation.

One thing that occurred to me is that it might be good for you all to get well-versed in how to record video, or audio, as it seems as though it could come in handy. Keep your phones free of clutter so there is memory on there to record these insane phone conversations, etc.

I was in a situation not unlike your Dsis, but my family are all overseas and I was completely alone. I got out in the end, but the damage to the
DCs was considerable. I wish I'd had you and your DB near. It would have made a huge difference. You are a star. I hope all is well in the end, though I know things will be rough along the way.

Fly if everyone was blessed with family like you the world would be a much better place. What a great sister. I hope I would have the presence of mind to act as quickly and as soundly as you have done in a situation like this.

It is in situations exactly like this that it is possible for the escalation to happen without being seen from the outside, and those in it don't reach out for help until the damage is done. Your intervention saved them - great job!

for your dear niece. i hope she knows how wrong he is in what he has said and done to her.

That nasty piece of work should not be allowed around children of any age. May he get his come uppance sooner rather than later.

Wow.

What an amazing family your sister has.
I would have loved to have had your brother when my husband was screaming bitch at me in the street....till he was frothing at the mouth!

What a champion you are for them....and as for that twat...
I'd don't have enough words.

Your niece will be fine...honestly. She has enough good support around her to see what a twat her dad was.

NewPuppyMum

connie, I reported and Mumsnet towers said poster is genuine.

The pricks bat shit-crazy mother called my niece while Dsis was at the house. Niece put her on speaker phone so I could hear what she was saying. All aong the lines of "how could you do this to your father, you selfish, ungrateful little bitch?"

Well - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

What a wonderful sibling group you are. Stay strong and well done for being so brave. You're a star!

There is a tendency to think that domestic violence is almost exclusively the province of working-class/ low-income families. It isn't.

The main difference is that middle- and upper-class victims can more easily find ways of keeping it quiet, and are also under more social pressure to do so. They each think that they must be the only one it happens to (whereas in low-income families it is almost considered a "culture' in some areas, despite the fact that it isn't acceptable anywhere.)

Professional people are also more likely to be subjected to financial, emotional and psychological abuse, and less likely to have anyone to turn to - their lifestyles often mean that they move frequently and don't form the social networks required for admitting to fear. There is a huge amount of shame attached, and the abusers are almost always charming, polular and socially influential men (I know women abuse, too, but the majority of abuse remains male on female.) - no-one believes they would do it. The woman is branded hysterical and hormonal, or (if it can't be ignored) told they shouldn't "provoke" him - even though what counts as provocation can vary from one day to the next, because these men are just looking for excuses to assert their dominance. And, of course, abuse almost always starts in minor ways and then escalates. By the time the woman knows she must get out, she hasn't the emotional or physical strength, and has been effectively brainwashed into thinking that she is the one at fault; or she stops because she is afraid that her partner will get custody of her children, and she is afraid for them.

Abusers are found in medicine, teaching, the law, social work - you name it, there are abusers in that profession.

Some abuse is caused by stress and mental health breakdown; most is just a power-trip - men who will not allow a different viewpoint or any freedom in their homes.

OP - your sister and niece are very lucky to have a supportive family who will fight their corner.

Fly

Please take it from me, you are a great sister. I have a great sister and a great mother, and great relatives. I know one when I see one in action.

Here is what to watch out for now:
Gestures of sorrow and remorse on the part of the STBX.
Expect flowers, professions of love, apologies and promises of massive change. Do not let your sister fall victim to any of this. It is all fake. There will be cycles of 'remorse' and anger on his part. He will be very angry that he is not dictating the terms and very anxious to reel your Dsis back in.

A certain amount of revision of history on the part of your Dsis.
She is no doubt feeling terrified right now, frightened of what this man will do to her in court during divorce, frightened of having her whole life laid open for all her friends to see, feeling ashamed and humiliated and small and powerless and frightened of the judgement of others on her (Why did she stay? She must have stayed for the money... She must be making it all up, he's a doctor after all... Why did she not leave for the sake of her daughter if it was that bad?) It is very natural to start asking 'Was it all really that bad?' - 'Could we not work on it - he seems to have his tail between his legs and it might just work..' - 'He once said he loved me and he was nice to me two Christmases ago'. It is also very natural to try not to antagonise someone like this man by taking the initiative and filing for divorce, or calling the police to report abuse. In order to find an excuse for not doing this, history can sometimes be rewritten. Be kind and patient and bite your tongue when you feel like blurting out something angry. Listen, listen, listen.

Remember she is going through a lot of grief
Right now her life has fallen down around her ankles and she is feeling wretched, a failure, a public failure, which is worse. All of her hopes and dreams are now officially dashed. She has probably known this for years but the toothpaste is now out of the tube and there is no putting it back. There was a time when she really liked this man. Again, bite your tongue and make it your business to listen.

To Do:
If she does not contact Women's Aid by Sunday, I really think you should make that call yourself on her behalf. Women's Aid may also be able to recommend someone for the DN, or they may provide services themselves. This can be your excuse for calling.
She may hesitate to call because it is really, really hard to imagine yourself putting into words something that you have kept secret for so long. She is not at all unusual among abused women in the keeping of this secret (so incidentally, don't beat yourself up about not knowing). It is part and parcel of the effect of abuse that victims keep it secret and find it hard to contemplate talking about it. It is immensely humiliating to be an adult human being admitting that you have been treated so badly for years.

Buy her ASAP the Lundy Bancroft book, 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'.

I really think that you, DB and Dsis and DN should go to the police station and record what happened. I know Dsis may be very hesitant. Maybe after speaking to Women's Aid she may feel a bit stronger.

Please start to scout solicitors with reputations for understanding abusers and domestic abuse situations, and also for being really good on their feet in court.

A word of caution:
You must not record phone calls. It is illegal to do so without the permission of the person on the other end.
You can take notes and send a memo to him or to someone like his mother, stating the contents of any conversation 'for the record' if abusive phone calls take place. You are fully within your rights to tell people on 'his side' to communicate with Dsis and DN only by e-mail and set up a dedicated e-mail address for this purpose. That way they know that what they say will be on record and it may serve to civilise them. This may be enough to put a stop to their gallop.

[I believe it is ok to put someone on speaker, but if any other poster has any concrete info on this, please post.]

OP say to your niece to get a call recorder on her phone, could come in v handy for future evidence. Actually maybe you all should just in case? ACR is a good one to look out for.