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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge, massive row with Dsis and her arsehole husband...

275 replies

Flypaperforarseholes · 02/03/2017 23:16

Popped round to see my Dsis and niece this evening. We were having a nice evening, myself and dsis shared a bottle of wine while I trimmed my nieces hair. Niece was chatty and happy. I finished the trim just before Dsis' husband arrived home. Niece immediately fell quiet and rushed out to the utility room to get the hoover to clean up the hair. BIL came into the kitchen where we were just as niece came through with the hoover. BIL didn't greet any of us, looked at the hair on the floor and started shouting about "all this fucking mess!" The house is spotless, just a handful of trimmed hair on the floor. I said "sorry, my fault, pass the hoover Niece". BIL said "it's her hair, she'll clean it up." Then shouted at niece "Move it, you messy fat bitch!"Angry

I was, still am, fucking incensed. How dare he speak to her like that?! She's a lovely, kind, funny, beautiful girl.
He stepped towards my niece and as he is a big bloke (6' 3"), I felt it was physically intimidating. I stepped between them and told him to step back and asked him.who the fuck he thought he was to talk to her like that. He told me to fuck off, I'm her father, this is my house, I pay the fucking bills...Dsis told my niece to go to her room, which she did, crying.
All the while BIL is shouting about me sticking my nose in where it's not wanted, calling me a stupid bitch. He then told Dsis to get me out of 'his" house or he would "throw it (me) through the window".
I was raging and told him he could give it a try but he'd get more than he bargained for if he tried. Dsis told me to get out of the house. I know she may not have had a lot of options but it still fucking hurt.
I left, BIL and myself still shouting at each other.
Now I am worried about my Dsis and niece. I have never particularly liked my BIL but have never seen this side of him before (although I don't see him often) and my Dsis and niece have never mentioned anything like this and seem generally happy. I sentered my Dsis a text on my way home asking if she's ok, she didn't reply. I called her and she didn't answer. Called niece but her mobile is going to answering machine. AIBU to go back round there to check they're ok?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 03/03/2017 05:21

I will never understand what people get out of coming onto a thread like this and questioning credentials, like the timing of events

Because it seems odd behaviour for the OP to waste time typing up a thread on MN after such an extreme set of circumstances instead of addressing the situation in the RW e.g. Calling the police if she fears for her DNs safety. As Worra says upthread, it seems dramatic.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2017 05:30

Calling the police can seem like a huge step to take when you are in the thick of a domestic abuse situation. It is a rubicon to cross in very way and people do not do it 9 times out of 10 that they should.

Also, many people think they can handle a DV situation, because they know the people involved. Sadly, they are mistaken, but it usually takes a few attempts to intervene personally or try to reason with the abuser before they realise the person is not reasonable or rational and actually very dangerous because he thinks he is the law and completely entitled to treat people badly, completely justified in terrifying his family. (This man claimed this right, effectively, in his comments about his house, his money paying the bills).

And people rationalise that it's none of their business or the victim can handle things herself, or even that there must be two sides to the story. The OP hasn't done this, and she knows this man is hell on wheels but even having witnessed such a flagrantly awful scene and actually been the target of the rage, calling the police is still a huge step.

OP, I hope you can contact DN's school to alert them to home life for this girl and I hope you can help your sister and DN to get away from it all.

GenerationYmember · 03/03/2017 05:55

Call the police or SS, don't send your brother round there, it will only aggravate the situation because the husband doesn't sound like a man who can be reasoned.

Hope you and your family are ok OP Flowers

pipsqueak25 · 03/03/2017 07:36

hope all is o.k and that op can let us know that.

Catlady1976 · 03/03/2017 07:45

Hope all is OK.

cookiefiend · 03/03/2017 07:50

Since you and your niece witnessed it- call the police. That should be enough to charge him. It is unlikely to be a one off. Try to offer her as much support as you can- get numbers for local organisations.

Sounds awful.

WhisperedLoudest · 03/03/2017 07:50

Agree re questioning credentials- if you think the OP is trolling report. At best it's tiresome for users to read the passive aggressive calls of troll, at worst it's distressing for genuine OPs.

The OP states in opening sentences she went round in evening and shared a bottle of wine. I'm my world evening runs until about 8pm and if I'd shared a bottle of wine that could take me an hour or two.

Allowing time for the argument and the return home it's easy to understand why OP might wonderingbwhat to do at 11:30 Hmm

OP I hope your sister is ok - chances are this has been going on for a long time. After she goes through denial your sister will be likely relieved that her family know.

Original poster
Flypaperforarseholes · 03/03/2017 08:00

Sorry everyone, haven't had a chance to read comments, just a quick update. Dsis and niece are safe and with me. Lots of goings on last night with the prick, dsis and niece have opened up about what's been happening. Taking annual leave today, but have to pop into work to do a few bits this morning, will update when I get a chance. Thanks everyone for your support.

OP posts:
Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 03/03/2017 08:02

Glad you got your family away from him.he sounds nasty..just hope your dsis doesn't go.near again.

Originalfoogirl · 03/03/2017 08:03

Did you call the police?

EssieTregowan · 03/03/2017 08:06

Well done for intervening. I hope they are both ok today.

Dumdedumdedum · 03/03/2017 08:10

Well done for getting your sis and niece out of there safely, Flypaper. Sounds as if a call here Women's Aid might be helpful in the first instance.
Good luck to you all.

shovetheholly · 03/03/2017 08:11

Thank goodness they have your support.

I was going to post to say that, whatever you've witnessed will be the thin end of the wedge. My mother was emotionally abusive and violent and there was an incident when I was about 14 when I begged my boyfriend to stay in front of them, because I knew what would happen when he left and there was no outside eye looking on. It is appalling what goes on behind closed doors, and the fact that your niece was so terrified about the mess on the floor is strongly suggestive of a long-standing pattern of abuse.

Your Dsis and niece will need a lot of support through this - I'm so glad they have you.

ohtheholidays · 03/03/2017 08:14

Well done Fly ,you stepped in when so many wouldn't,your Sister and Niece are very lucky to have you,lots of us that have faced DV never had any family support,your support will make the world of diference to your Sister and Niece Flowers

Does your BIL know that your Sister and Niece are staying at yours?If he does,before you go to work it would be worth seeing if another family member would stay at your house with them both(incase the Wanker turns up)and make sure all the doors and windows are locked and that your Sister has some keys incase she needs to get out of the house.

I know it's very early days but please let your Sister know that she does have rights to the house as well,if she has a look online at Womens Aid
www.womensaid.org.uk/
There's loads of free support on there another great place is the Citizens Advice,they're help is all free and confidential(they won't tell him anything)and they have helped women fleeing DV before.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/?gclid=CK_CjYbyudICFZUYGwoduv4HmQ

WateryTart · 03/03/2017 08:15

They are so lucky to have you.

pipsqueak25 · 03/03/2017 08:18

fantastic news op, Smile let's hope dsis gets the support she needs for her and dn,

AndShesGone · 03/03/2017 08:18

Just well done on getting them away Flowers

Graphista · 03/03/2017 08:19

Well done to you and your family for getting this sorted at least for last night.

But yes there's a danger your dsis could go back so get advice from eg women's aid to support and encourage her not to. Horrible situation.

Vegansnake · 03/03/2017 08:28

Phone police. Social services,and contact her school...

Vegansnake · 03/03/2017 08:29

Just read yr update...yes well done xx

AQuietMind · 03/03/2017 08:30

Well done op, I can imagine both your sister and niece are pretty terrified right now about what their future holds, leaving a dv situation is terrifying Flowers

Miserylovescompany2 · 03/03/2017 08:35

Lets hope they say safe?

I would have the incident logged with the police. You can report him for threatening you. Your Dsis and DN should also report this. Depending on your DN's age? The police could pass an alert to SS?

I hope you can support your Dsis in seeking legal advice. Whether that's a trip to your local CAB or with a solicitor.

I'd imagine what you witnessed is merely the tip of the iceberg...

FurryLittleTwerp · 03/03/2017 08:44

Awful man Sad - glad you're helping

Mix56 · 03/03/2017 08:45

You are the best sister anyone could have ! It's lucky that it came out this way, as DSis was unable to talk/act on it.

As an aside, She will probably need time to come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) & will be very vulnerable. He may make all sorts of false promises to change.......; She may go back. Ultimately she will believe that financially she is unable to leave, & emotionally she will still be "in love" with the person she thought he was. It is a slow process of awakening.

RachelRagged · 03/03/2017 08:46

Thank God she is with you OP

You sound not only a caring Auntie, but a caring sister too Flowers